This story has recently undergone a massive overhaul. It's much better now, thanks to jerseygirlxx. - He's got to protect his little brother. For her. For all of them. [Novelization of a video.]
(#) jerseygirlxx 2007-04-08 02:02:11 PMI think your concept was good but it was kind of confusing.Alot of him and her and she and he. Maybe if you replaced some with a name it would flow better. I know some of it is for effect the whole mysterious 'she' gives it a nice feel. But when you keep refering to HIS brother it takes away from the effect. Sorry if this dosent make any sense.But I re read this a few times and thats the best way I can describe it.
Author's responseIt makes sense. I understand. I was trying to keep it a little mysterious, and I even confused myself a few times rereading it. I know it's messy, but I just couldn't bring myself to type any names (stupid, I know). I'll try to go back and edit it so it's a little clearer.