(#) jerseygirlxx 2007-04-09 06:27:44 AMthe second to last paragraph- the medic is trying to save his life...should read the medic is trying to save his brothers life. (or how ever you want to say it) What do you mean 5%? this was way more than 5% better!!!!
Author's responseI will figure this out...
(#) jerseygirlxx 2007-04-09 01:26:04 PMI know I suggested changing the medic saves his brother and that works but now it made the other half of the sentence a little screwy. maybe try the medic tries to save his brother.."but the young boy suddenly stops moving..the screams fall silent. He wants to scream...but he cant because he feels like a part of his heart had just died.
or The medic is trying to save his brother. He cant hear anything anymore. The gunshots and screams of the wounded fade into the background ...all he can hear is his brother softly whimper..and then...it stops..The medic looks up and says nothing. Theres nothing to say. He feels like part of his heart had just died.
I dont know. Theres just something about this story that I like. Two thumbs up for trying to write about the video. Thats always hard to write out things you see you know to try to capture the emotion on paper. But I like this.
Author's responseI noticed that, too. It's not cooperating! It's just not as smooth as I would like it to be. I can't do much right now because I'm on my phone, but I'll get to it later.
(#) jerseygirlxx 2007-04-12 06:31:12 AMok I think I am obessessing on this more than you!! In the paragraph before you write HE struggles...HE dosent care...HE only wants his little bro...(Thats good- everytime you use the words he or his it should be about Gerard) then the next paragraph reads...The medic is trying to save the younger mans life...but HE sudd. stops mvng. HIS screams... (this sound like the main character again- refering to it as HE and HIS). Then the next sentence His older brother stops screaming makes no sense. You shift from G being the main char. to Mikey. The entire story is written in I dont know what the techincal term is its kinda like 3rd person/1st person. I think its called 1st person abstract but Im not sure.. Its where the whole story is told from HIS POV but written in 3rd person so you say his instead of mine. Does that make any sense? Anywhere you write he or his must be about the main character. Everyone else you need to write in 3rd person for. ex- the medic is trying to save the boys life rather then his life(cause his would mean Gerard not Mikey) The next sentences should read the same..the boy stops moving...the screams fall silent...He and his should only be used to describe well Gerards actions, he is the main charac. right? For everyone else use 3rd person words. It will make it alot smoother to read. Plus this is like the most crucial part of the story where his brother dies so it kinda brings the whole story down.
You dont have to change anything if you dont want to. Sorry if Im being way too obsessive about this. I'll leave you alone now!=)
Author's responseYou're helping me a ton. It's called third-person limited p.o.v. I don't have time to fix anything now because I'm going to Canada, but I promise to work on it while I'm gone and to try and fix it when I get back. I am not going to quit until it works!