Argus Filch tries to make some money writing fiction -- and he writes what he knows! Won 2nd place in a contest with the following prompt: Pick one character from the books and write the shipfi...
"Congratulations on ordering our short fiction writing course for Wizards! By following a few simple steps, you too can be writing Muggle fiction in no time at all! Watch as the Galleons start pouring in!"
Filch shuffled through the papers, and came to the first step. "Write what you know. Take details and people from your everyday life."
Filch didn't finish reading as he grabbed a clean scroll of parchment and dipped his quill in an ink bottle.
"Harry Potter was an annoying boy who lived to break rules and track mud into the Hogwarts castle."
Filch looked at the instructions for what he should write next. "Be sure to change the names a bit so you can't be sued later!" He chewed on his hangnail for a moment, then scratched through "Harry Potter" and "Hogwarts."
"Gary Potter was an annoying boy who lived to break rules and track mud into the Hagwarts castle."
He chortled at his cleverness as he realized this wasn't so hard, his eyes gleaming at the thought of all the Galleons he would make off the Muggle fools. He looked over the instructions, moving on to the next step. /"There are only thirty-six different plotlines in the world. You only need one! Some classic plotlines include Pursuit, Disaster, Obstacles to Love ... ."/ Filch, impatient to get on with it, stabbed his quill at Obstacles to Love. Muggles loved that claptrap! He proceeded to write:
"Gary Potter was an annoying boy who lived to break rules and track mud into the Hagwarts castle. He was in love with Lana Luvgud, but she didn't love him in return because he didn't believe in the imaginary creatures she searched for." Filch picked up a surprising amount of what happened around the school as no one paid him much mind unless they were breaking the rules, and he put this to good use now.
The next step dealt with the setting. "Make sure you give your readers lots of details about the setting, such as where they are, what sort of day it is, what they are wearing." He thought for a moment, then added:
"Gary and Lana stood in the Great Hall of Hagwarts. It was cold, just the way a castle should be. They were wearing wrinkled robes as all undisciplined children do."
The next step told him that he needed dialogue to make a story interesting. It also told him to make sure to give the readers clues as to the passage of time in the story.
"Gary told Lana, "I love you!" Lana replied, "But I don't love you!" Time passed."
Filch scanned the guide, looking for the next step. He found the category for Obstacles to Love, and read underneath it. "Eventually, you will need to let your characters get together. But don't let it be too quick!"
He picked up his quill again, and wrote:
"More time passed. Gary looked at Lana. Lana looked at Gary. They realized they had to be together and began snogging in the Great Hall."
This was almost too easy. He read through the last step, about crafting satisfying endings. "You know how you like stories to end when you are reading them! Muggles are not much different -- they love happy endings!" Filch's brow furrowed for a moment as he thought about what would make a happy and satisfying ending. Suddenly, his eyes lit up, and he began to write.
"The hero, Argas Fitch, swept into the Great Hall and saw the two students snogging, which was clearly against school rules! He grabbed them both up by the napes of their necks and dragged them down to the dungeons. His constant and sweet companion, Mrs. Morris, followed happily behind. He strung the two nasty children up by their thumbs and left them there for days. The end."
He happily read over his story and set his quill down as he began thinking about how to spend his Galleons.