Categories > Original > Humor > Five Minute Soap Dish
Week 16
Nick grumbled out some swear words as he unlocked the door, and opened it into his pitch black flat.
"I need a break," he groaned to himself, "Back's buggered, lungs are buggered, nose is buggered-arse, ironically not buggered though."
A short laugh nearby alerted Nick to someone else's presence. He crept carefully to the light switch, switching it on to reveal Steve searching through his cupboards.
"Come on man! You could have a dinner party easy with this stuff. You've got twenty different types of dried....herbs and spices, here. Surely you could mix them all around-"
"Have you been waiting here for me to arrive?" Nick asked.
"Yeah. I originally planned to take the couch, and look menacing. But then I decided it would be better to have the swivel chair, then spin around when the lights went on. Then I realised it didn't really matter as I didn't have a cat on my knee to perfect the image so I-"
"Shut up!" Nick hissed, "How long have you been waiting here?"
"Two, maybe three hours," Steve explained, "Working nine to five, man, something you should try."
"I do, but it's the wrong nine to five," Nick grumbled, throwing himself down on his couch, "By the way, if you really like my herbs and spices so much, feel free to eat some. Because there's nothing else to eat."
"Oh, I ate before I came," Steve said, leaving the kitchen, walking over to kneel in front of Nick, "But enough about me-what's the problem you're having at the moment."
Nick decided to look past the uncharacteristically selfless nature of Steve's words to unleash his problems onto the other man. Steve's ulterior motives would be examined later.
"I've caught a cold, I think," Nick said, "Bound to happen. Working in a cramped kitchen for so long, anything one person has, everyone has."
"Oh. Well, go on sick leave."
"Sick leave? Sick leave is what you guys, the rich get. If I don't work, I don't get paid. So now I have to mask my illness for a while," Nick explained, then realised something, "You stayed in my flat for three hours, waiting for me, right?"
"Yeah."
"You do realise we're not going to have sex, ever, right? Because the last time you were half so stalker-ish about someone, you were trying to sleep with them."
"No, no, of course not. Why the hell would you even think that?" Steve said, standing up to move away. Nick smiled. There was naught so much joy as making fun of the homophobe.
"Well, you're wasting your time. Because I'm still not going to do a dinner party for you. Now, go home and-"
"I'll buy the ingredients. All the ingredients," Steve begged.
"Well, firstly, you say that but you never do, and secondly, I still wouldn't."
"You'll get left over food, enough for weeks!"
"I rarely eat at home as it is."
"So..." Steve said, thinking it over, "This would be a perfect opportunity for you to practise up your cooking skills again. You might have gotten rusty."
"You're and idiot, and I'm still not doing this," Nick said, "What happened to you, Steve? Once upon a time you didn't need an elaborate ruse to lay someone. Now you're begging me to cook for you, with sex still not guaranteed."
Steve wasn't discouraged, "Eh, some people just aren't worth me working up the charm."
"Then give her up, because you won't get help from me."
Steve paced backwards and forward, "You could...bring someone. Use this as an opportunity to pick up someone. Like, a girl. We could both get laid!"
"All the women I know at work are old, married, and don't speak English at all. Besides which, there's only two women in the world I like, both currently have boyfriends, and to be perfectly honest, I don't like either girl that much. It's more a case of not hating them."
Steve pondered over that last line a bit longer, before it hit him.
"Get Gia to come. Then she and I will be forced to get along," Steve said, "Finally, all our friendship problems will be over."
"Don't worry. Kelly and I have designed a number of tortures to force you to sort out your differences with Gia," Nick said, "Besides which, what do you mean our problems? No, Steve, it's your problem. No one else has an issue with Gia except you. In fact, some people seem to like her a lot."
Again, Steve thought it over before he realised what to do. "Everyone could bring a partner, except you of course. But everyone else. So you could meet Gia's boyfriend. Find out if you think he's safe."
Nick brow clenched, "Oh, just ram the kryptonite in. Fine, I'll do it. But I'll hate you forever afterwards."
"I'll get laid afterwards. I can live with being hated by one person, if I get sex from another," Steve said, walking off towards the door, "So, a week Friday, let's say seven to ten people, your place."
"Sure, whatever," Nick said back, not really listening, until he realised what Steve had said, "What? My place?"
Steve was gone before he could hear what Nick had to say about him.
Nick grumbled out some swear words as he unlocked the door, and opened it into his pitch black flat.
"I need a break," he groaned to himself, "Back's buggered, lungs are buggered, nose is buggered-arse, ironically not buggered though."
A short laugh nearby alerted Nick to someone else's presence. He crept carefully to the light switch, switching it on to reveal Steve searching through his cupboards.
"Come on man! You could have a dinner party easy with this stuff. You've got twenty different types of dried....herbs and spices, here. Surely you could mix them all around-"
"Have you been waiting here for me to arrive?" Nick asked.
"Yeah. I originally planned to take the couch, and look menacing. But then I decided it would be better to have the swivel chair, then spin around when the lights went on. Then I realised it didn't really matter as I didn't have a cat on my knee to perfect the image so I-"
"Shut up!" Nick hissed, "How long have you been waiting here?"
"Two, maybe three hours," Steve explained, "Working nine to five, man, something you should try."
"I do, but it's the wrong nine to five," Nick grumbled, throwing himself down on his couch, "By the way, if you really like my herbs and spices so much, feel free to eat some. Because there's nothing else to eat."
"Oh, I ate before I came," Steve said, leaving the kitchen, walking over to kneel in front of Nick, "But enough about me-what's the problem you're having at the moment."
Nick decided to look past the uncharacteristically selfless nature of Steve's words to unleash his problems onto the other man. Steve's ulterior motives would be examined later.
"I've caught a cold, I think," Nick said, "Bound to happen. Working in a cramped kitchen for so long, anything one person has, everyone has."
"Oh. Well, go on sick leave."
"Sick leave? Sick leave is what you guys, the rich get. If I don't work, I don't get paid. So now I have to mask my illness for a while," Nick explained, then realised something, "You stayed in my flat for three hours, waiting for me, right?"
"Yeah."
"You do realise we're not going to have sex, ever, right? Because the last time you were half so stalker-ish about someone, you were trying to sleep with them."
"No, no, of course not. Why the hell would you even think that?" Steve said, standing up to move away. Nick smiled. There was naught so much joy as making fun of the homophobe.
"Well, you're wasting your time. Because I'm still not going to do a dinner party for you. Now, go home and-"
"I'll buy the ingredients. All the ingredients," Steve begged.
"Well, firstly, you say that but you never do, and secondly, I still wouldn't."
"You'll get left over food, enough for weeks!"
"I rarely eat at home as it is."
"So..." Steve said, thinking it over, "This would be a perfect opportunity for you to practise up your cooking skills again. You might have gotten rusty."
"You're and idiot, and I'm still not doing this," Nick said, "What happened to you, Steve? Once upon a time you didn't need an elaborate ruse to lay someone. Now you're begging me to cook for you, with sex still not guaranteed."
Steve wasn't discouraged, "Eh, some people just aren't worth me working up the charm."
"Then give her up, because you won't get help from me."
Steve paced backwards and forward, "You could...bring someone. Use this as an opportunity to pick up someone. Like, a girl. We could both get laid!"
"All the women I know at work are old, married, and don't speak English at all. Besides which, there's only two women in the world I like, both currently have boyfriends, and to be perfectly honest, I don't like either girl that much. It's more a case of not hating them."
Steve pondered over that last line a bit longer, before it hit him.
"Get Gia to come. Then she and I will be forced to get along," Steve said, "Finally, all our friendship problems will be over."
"Don't worry. Kelly and I have designed a number of tortures to force you to sort out your differences with Gia," Nick said, "Besides which, what do you mean our problems? No, Steve, it's your problem. No one else has an issue with Gia except you. In fact, some people seem to like her a lot."
Again, Steve thought it over before he realised what to do. "Everyone could bring a partner, except you of course. But everyone else. So you could meet Gia's boyfriend. Find out if you think he's safe."
Nick brow clenched, "Oh, just ram the kryptonite in. Fine, I'll do it. But I'll hate you forever afterwards."
"I'll get laid afterwards. I can live with being hated by one person, if I get sex from another," Steve said, walking off towards the door, "So, a week Friday, let's say seven to ten people, your place."
"Sure, whatever," Nick said back, not really listening, until he realised what Steve had said, "What? My place?"
Steve was gone before he could hear what Nick had to say about him.
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