A nonsensical humor piece in which Vader gets a job at a daycare.
Rating: No language, a little violence.
Disclaimer: I don't own Star Wars, but this story is mine.
It seemed like each time the doorchime was pressed it sounded whinier and more annoying. And of course it really was so. After all, would you like someone pushing you into the wall repeatedly?
As Tumush Kuhdlin rushed to the door, she tried to hush the crying child in her arms.
She slapped the button in anger. "Yes, what do you w-" Tumush cut off at the sight of the dark imposing figure at the door. "Y-y-y-you're-"
"Waiting to be let inside," the Sith Lord snarled. Only it wasn't truly a snarl, since that's not something Sith Lords do. Unless, of course, the Sith Lord in question is Darth Maul, who you would have to forgive for snarling, for those horns protruding from his head cannot be comfortable. But, since he's dead, let us pretend that Darth Vader snarled in as unsnarlyish of a manner as possible.
"Oh, yes, of course," the woman backed off, child in arms, gesturing the unsnarly Sith Lord inside.
"Glaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh!" the baby screamed, flailing his tiny fists like an angry beached octopus.
Darth Vader silently held his hand out in a fist, and the baby started gurgling, eyes bugging out like those of a rabid bantha's.
"Darth Vader!" the daycare lady shouted in shock, lifting her hand up and smacking the Dark Lord across the helmet, yelling in pain as she heard something snap in her wrist.
Darth Vader, who had felt nothing but let go of his invisible hold on the child's neck anyway (the kid was fine, just in desperate need of a pacifier and a stuffed animal to squeeze), looked at her with his helmet tilted as if she was insane. Which, considering she worked in a daycare, was highly probable. "I hear you have a job opening."
"Uh, the position has already been filled-" evidently the woman did not know how unwise it was to lie to a Force user, but she soon found out when the invisible hands settled around her throat. She quickly backtracked, "Uh...ack...I mean...uck...one just...gasp...opened..."
"Good," Vader released her. "When do I start?"
Palpatine is going to pay for this, Vader thought furiously as he stared down at the two tykes clinging to his leg.
"Play with me, Mr. Dark Baber!" a gray alien of an origin he had never encountered before squealed in Basic.
"Yghth Vavay!" the human kid attached to his right foot garbled.
"Do you want to play with a toy?" Vader gritted.
"No!" the two said simultaneously.
"He broke my choo-chon!" a child screamed madly from across the room.
Shuffling his feet, the Sith Lord made his way over there, glaring through his helmet at the culprit. "Did you harm the..." he tilted his head. "What was it called?"
"Choo-chon!" the child screamed.
"No!" the culprit yelled.
"Shut up, the both of you!" Vader howled, or boomed, if you prefer such a word for our masculine Sith Lord, his fists clenched in Force-readiness.
"Okay," the two sat down and started playing with a new toy.
Beduffled, bedaffled, and bespectacled-uh, whatever-Darth Vader watched the pair as they obliviously engaged in blissful activity.
A small Twi'lek went up to the dark man, and tugged on his cape. Hard.
The unsuspecting Sith Lord crashed to the floor and was soon tackled by dozens of hyperactive three-year olds.
"Sith Lord Sissy!"
"Pway wif me!"
Vader started throwing toddlers off of himself like a man beneath a pile of hungry predators gasping for air and craving safety.
Darth Vader boomed throughout the daycare center, "That's enough!"
An insectoid evidently didn't get his meaning, "Chirp. Chirp."
"Now, I want every one of you to go and take a nap. Now!"
Grumbling, they complied.
"Grouchy poopoo head."
"Don' wanna take nap. Nap for sissy Sith Lawds."
"Dumbo. Meanie. No fair."
A small blonde boy walked up to the Dark Lord, and tugged at his arm. Gloved hand cocked and ready to slap the child across the room, Darth Vader growled, "What!"
Sniffling, the boy pointed at his finger, which had a few specks of blood on it. "Huwts."
"What do you want me to do about it?" the Sith Lord asked crossly.
"Kiss and mwake it bwetter."
Darth Vader stood motionless. Finally, he managed, "I have a mask on."
"So take it off!"
"I don't take off my mask for anyone."
"Why not?" the boy asked curiously.
"I will die."
Growing a little impatient, he answered, "Because my body is weak, and because the mask helps keep me alive."
The blonde tilted his head, "Why body weak?"
"Because a traitorous Jedi pushed me into a lava pit."
"It was pwobly yowr fault."
"My fault?" Vader was amused.
"Yes," the child nodded enthusiastically, sucking on his hurt finger. "Nobody wants a mean Sith Lord sissy around who won't kiss boo-boos and make them better!" With that, the blonde boy walked off, leaving Vader staring after him.
Eventually a small noise reached his ears, and he swiveled around to find a little Rodian snickering at him.
"What?" he grated.
Laughter merely reached his ears once again, this time that of the children behind him joining in with the Rodian.
Suddenly struck with an idea of what was going on, Vader reached out to the Force and ripped the messily scribbled-on piece of paper off his back.
Kis mi stith bunz now plez.
"Which of you did this?" he hissed, not receiving a reply. Innocent faces from all around looked at him.
The blonde boy peeked his head out of the crowd, "D'ya willy tink who did it'll tell ya?"
"Why would they not?" Vader inquired crossly.
"Cuz you're scawy."
An chorus of voices in various languages, some children understanding, some not, agreed.
The Sith Lord could do little more than stare as a tidal wave of younglings rushed towards him...
The Sith Lord's eyes shot open.
Just a dream...
He didn't question the fact that he never had dreams anymore, instead he just let it be, and went back to meditating, peacefully.
What he didn't notice was the "choo-chon" laying beneath his feet on the floor, its lights blinking rapidly, then finally slowing and disappearing.