- The story itself is good, very good, and I added it to my alerts for this reason. You do seem to have a problem with adding in articles though (I know some languages do not have them - is your native tongue one of them?) which I would be glad to help with, if you like. If so, contact me, I'd be happy to help you with this little detail in an otherwise fine story.
(#) Featherwizard 2006-11-28 07:54:28 AMThis is a very good story. The plot is widely used, but you write it so well that I don't mind that.
The only problem I noticed is that you keep dropping the articles (the, a, an, etc.). I'm afraid that in English you need to use an article whenever you are referring to something. So, when you say "Problem with transport I stated was very real" in the author notes at the end of the second chapter, you need to put "the" in front of "Problem," making it "The problem with transport." You also have trouble with phrasing things the right way ("I stated" is awkward in English, and there are some other things like that). Together, these make it kind of hard for people to read your story, because we are always being jarred by the lack of articles and funny phrasing.
I would suggest you get in touch with a native English speaker for a beta. Those are really the only mistakes I noticed. I really like involving the Dursleys - you didn't use it just as an opportunity to bash them, and it solves the problem of Order guards very nicely.
- What a great second chapter;
I don't know who Lucas Vader is, but I like the idea of Harry changing his name, so that no-body could find him.
So Harry's got a new wand, cool. What is the fucking Phoenix trying to hide from Harry.
What the hell is the voice in Ron's head about