Categories > Books > Harry Potter

A Boy Named...

by malaga 4 Reviews

James wants the butchest son in all of Hogwarts, and is unsure whether he'll be there to ensure that his son grows up as planned.

Category: Harry Potter - Rating: G - Genres: Humor - Characters: James, Lily, Sirius - Published: 2007/05/02 - Updated: 2007/05/02 - 1043 words - Complete

This story was inspired by a Johnny Cash song called 'A Boy Named Sue' and by the way, Falala was found on a baby naming site. Apparently 5 people named their daughters Falala.

The small town nestled beneath a large hill, the only signs of life the smoke rising gently from chimneys. The snow that was falling muffled most sounds, and made the whole village look clean and white. This picture perfect scene wasn't appreciated by anyone however, as all the inhabitants of the town were inside huddled by the fire, and only two people lived on the hill, and they were... preoccupied.

"Edgar is a lovely name!"
"Yeah... If your last name is POE! Do you really want our baby to known as Poe?"
"What would you prefer? Falalalala?"
"It's Falala you... you..."

There was an ominous silence broken by a yelp of pain and an expletive.

"Lily! What was that for?"

The red haired woman inside was heavily pregnant and wielding a frying pan. A man was crouched at her side, obviously deciding whether to disarm her or get her to sit down. The latter option won and he tugged on her elbow, attempting to lead her to a cushy chintz armchair. She pulled her arm back and burst into tears.

"Huh? Lily, don't cry! Please? Falala is a lovely name, really!"
"You think I'm faaaaaaaaat!"
"Nonononono! How about we look through the name book? That always cheers you up. I don't mind just doing the traditional thing and you name girls and I boys. How about that Hun? Please don't cry!"

The man's hair was even more ruffled up as in his panic he pulled out bunches of tissues from a small box, many more bunches than could have possibly fitted into the small elegant cube. This was the first clue that perhaps the residents of this house weren't as conventional as they appeared. The second clue was a lot less subtle than the first, as the flames in the fireplace turned a vivid shade of emerald green.

Through the flames appeared a whirling body, which slowed its turns to become a slim young man with smiling blue eyes.

"Hey guys!"

He noticed the crying woman and backed out of the room.

"I'll just go over here huh? Lily? You got any turkey? Never mind, I'll check."

His progress was stopped by a large hand grabbing the back of his robe, leaving him with the options of stopping, ripping his robes, or garroting himself.

"James? Could you just? Maybe just?" He twisted in the hold, but only succeeded in wrinkling his robes further.

"Sirius, I need you to..." What James needed Sirius to do was unknown as Lily interrupted them with a shrill scream.

"I think the baby is coming!"

James rushed over to Lily where she lay on the overstuffed armchair. Sirius was just a few steps behind and he grabbed James' sleeve before James pushed the button on Lily's bracelet and they portkeyed to St. Mungos. James ran up to a man in blue and grabbed him.

"My wife is having a baby! Do something! Now!"

Sirius pulled him away.

"That's a patient. Staff wear green."

James looked at the man and blushed before running up to the next one. Sirius stopped him before he got there this time, then pushed him towards a harassed looking orderly.

"Wife! Baby! Now!"

The man sighed, and wordlessly pointed towards a large sign saying Maternity Ward. Sirius grabbed a wheelchair and they sped Lily toward the friendly looking nurse at the entrance. She took in the situation with a practiced glance and brought the three into a small room, deposited Lily in a bed, and sat James next to her and Sirius further away, as befitted mother, father, and godfather of the baby.

~3 hours later~

"You know, having a baby is really boring."

The screams from the exam room indicated Lily felt differently.

"It's a beautiful baby boy!"

Lily sat in the bed, a far cry from the yelling writhing monster she was a moment ago. In her arms there was a small bundle of white. She handed him to James with a smile.

"He's a boy, so you get to name him."
"I love you."

He bent down to kiss Lily but was interrupted by the cry of the baby in his arm.

"I guess I better get used to him interrupting us."
"Fact of life."

James handed the baby back to Lily and turned to Sirius.

"You know what this means?"
"Celebration drinks!"

The two men turned to Lily and turned on the puppy dog eyes. She laughed and waved them away.

"Go on!"

They didn't need anymore urging and practically ran out of the ward to the Leaky Cauldron.

"I'm a daddy!"
"And I'm a god-daddy!"
"Drinks on me!"
"Drinks for me!"

The pub cheered and there was a rush to the bar.


"You shee... I may not be there for ma liddle... thingy. Boy."
"Don' be a diot. Idit. Idiot. Course you'll be there for your girl."
"He's a boy. Isn't he?"
"Yuh. Yuh. That."
"Well Dum... Dum... Dumblesmore."

They both bent over in hysterical laughter at the idea of 'Dumblesmore'.

"He shays my son might become an orphan!"
"But he has... pawents."
"But if we thingy. Die. Then he might not grow up proper. As a Marauder oughta. Rhyme!"

They snickered over the coincidence before becoming serious again.

"Whaddabout... Johnny Cash?"
"What about him?"
"Lissen to this..."

Sirius played some music and he and James sat in wonder, partially because of the sounds, partially because of the pink elephants floating above their heads. Once the song was over they stood up, rather unsteadily and both attempting to lean on each other. After a few false starts they made their way down to the Ministry.

"I wanna name ma boy!"

The clerk looked at them scornfully.

"Fine. But remember the name cannot be changed after it has been signed."

James gripped onto the pen with an overly tight grasp and squinted at the paper as he scribbled words onto the certificate. The woman behind the desk read it and an eyebrow rose.

"Really? You're sure?"
James nodded happily. Susan Harriet Potter would be the butchest boy at Hogwarts.
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