Categories > Movies > Pitch Black
Childish Heroes
1 Reviews"She stayed hidden when she first saw him hanging there. There was no doubt in her mind as to who it was- there was no question that it was Richard B. Riddick, a name she had both loved and despise...
Reviews
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Childish Heroes
(#) JenCarpeDiem 2008-04-12 08:11:06 PM
First sentence says 'lave' instead of 'love'. Italics in the third (story, not lyrics) paragraph are messed up. Same paragraph has 'pearning' instead of 'learning'
The lyrics don't really add anything to the story - I ended up skipping them altogether. You've made the mistake of falling back on lyrics instead of trusting your ability to write a strong character piece - which this easily could've been if you hadn't been fitting Kyra's voice to the song. Sorry, but it didn't work. Your narrative is good - you need to focus a little bit more on checking for typos and not overusing commas, but all-in-all I'd say that you've got a lot of potential. With a small amount of cleaning up, this could be a really strong piece.
You clearly understand the character, and the story you're trying to tell is a good one. Seriously, I enjoyed it. To capture the character as well as you have is brilliant. Well done.