Categories > Games > Final Fantasy 7 > Preschool Interview

Preschool Interview

by Kioaun 2 reviews

After a freak assignment from Rufus, Tseng attempts to get three silver-haired brothers into preschool. By any means necessary.

Category: Final Fantasy 7 - Rating: PG-13 - Genres: Humor - Characters: Kadaj, Loz, Rufus Shinra, Tseng, Yazoo - Warnings: [?] - Published: 2007-05-07 - Updated: 2007-05-07 - 833 words - Complete

Notes: Gift-fic for Sephulbadis. Intended OOCness as well as a situation that probably would never happen.


It wasn't enough that Sephiroth was defeated once and for all with severe injuries to his Turks. No. Rufus wanted to make sure Sephiroth never sprang out of the youngest clone again. Tseng suggested keeping them in cages but Rufus (Rufus! Of all people!) had told him it was too cruel. So instead...instead he had adopted them.

All three of them! And he'd efficiently emasculated Tseng and made him their maternal figure while he healed from his wounds.

It was logical when you took everything into account. The clones didn't like his game of "the next person to make a sound gets shot" and he didn't like having three sets of feline-pupiled eyes on him at all hours of the day. So he had found a preschool.

He made sure the pre-school knew that 'his' children were rather 'advanced' in a physical sense. He also made sure to research a disorder that could explain away their unnatural eyes and perpetual tendency to grab at one another's crotches.

"You say you burned your hand on the stove?" The interview woman asked him for probably the tenth time. She was a pleasant enough woman but was wearing a tasteless dress with bunnies on it and was covered in the outputs of various children. Her name was also insufferably cheerful; Daisy. She kept shooting nervous glances between the blood-covered bandages on his hand and Kadaj's lips that were a little too red.

"Yes," Tseng repeated. "I burned it on the stove. I was...making cookies."

He didn't mention that Kadaj had broken all the fingers on his hand the first time then bitten him on the way here when he'd tried to buckle his seat belt. No. He needed the clones out of his hair and if he had to lie to dispose of them so be it.

Daisy looked briefly afraid and Tseng saw Kadaj lick his lips. He elbowed him subtly, causing the smaller clone to squeak and edge away. "What?" He asked, feigning innocence. "I like cookies!"

Tseng sighed. "Go play with your brothers." Yazoo and Loz had taken up a corner covered in pillows and were proceeding to examine various toys. Yazoo currently had a doll and was making it dance for Loz's amusement.

Kadaj stalked off, muttering something about his other hand and Tseng turned back to Daisy with an overly bright smile. "I know it is unorthodox but I need to return to work and it's such an inconvenience to have no childcare services..."

He'd contemplated building a cage to put them in himself. Kadaj had chewed through the prototype while Loz and Yazoo had been doing something in the back that made the entire cage move. He made a note to have Kadaj de-toothed and de-clawed and de-everythinged.

Daisy was still smiling cheerfully. "Tell me a little something about them," She instructed. "Then I'll know if they'll get along with the other children here."

The other children had cleared out of the room upon seeing the three silver-haired men. But Daisy didn't mention that so Tseng didn't either.

"Well...they're very well-behaved. Quiet. Take instruction well... KADAJGETTHATOUTOFYOURMOUTH and normally can entertain themselves. They're very close but that just YAZOOTHEFINGERPUPPETDOESN'TGOTHERE increases the time they can be left unsupervised. They're also rather easy to teach but DAMNITLOZSTOPCRYING can get distracted at times." Tseng glared at them.

Kadaj subtly slurped the last of his purple play-doh spaghetti into his mouth while Yazoo removed the finger puppet and tossed it aside. Loz sniffled and wiped at his eyes.

Daisy looked more than a little bit scared. Tseng didn't blame her. He knew his hair was going to be white in under a year if Rufus kept springing these surprises on him.

"Your children advanced. Maybe they'd be happier with older children," Daisy began. Tseng could clearly read the words 'Get your horrible little spawn out of here' in her mind, however.

He was about to start begging her. He couldn't stand another day with them, not even to find another preschool. However, suddenly Daisy's eyes got wide and she made a noise that seemed almost like she'd swallowed her own tongue.

Tseng turned back to the clones to find that Yazoo had Loz's pants undone and his face in the older one's lap. Meanwhile Kadaj had half a toy train set sticking out of his mouth.

"Time to go!" He announced, running over to them because the last thing he needed was Daisy calling child services.

He herded them to the car, Loz stuffing himself in his pants, Yazoo smirking and Kadaj apparently unable to cough or vomit.

Once inside the relative safety of the black sedan, Tseng poked at the train parts dangling out of Kadaj's mouth. "I think I have an idea for getting this out," He informed the smaller male. "And I don't really care if you say 'ah'."

Kadaj screamed.
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