Seifer realizes things about his past, and about his feelings toward Squall. This story has been revamped and edited heavily.
Never seen a bluer sky
And I can feel it reaching out
And moving closer
There's something about blue
Ask myself what it's all for
You know the funny thing about it
I couldn't answer
No I couldn't answer
There are things that are
Turning a deeper shade of blue
And images that might be real
Keep flashing off and on
Free- wanna be free
Free- gotta be free
Move among the stars
You know they really aren't so far
Feel so free
Gotta know free
Please don't wake me from the dream
It's really everything it seemed
I'm so free
No black and white in the blue
Everything is clearer now
Life is just a dream ya know
It's never ending
Squall's eyes in the middle of some deep emotion are blue, a deep beautiful ocean blue with hidden depths that you'll never see. Though in a one of his usual moods, they tend to be greyish blue, like an overcast sky before a storm.
And it always comes back to the sky, I can never look at the sky without thinking of Squall's eyes, and therefore Squall himself. I can't really tell you when I knew I was in love with him. I don't know if one day I looked up at the sky and it hit me like an anvil, that I was in love with Squall. Or if I looked into his eyes and fell headlong without a parachute.
I floated away into his blue and never found a way out.
I do know I've been in love for a very long time. Everyone tends to think we're rivals, which is right, but that we also hate one another. On my part, I don't think I ever really hated him. Maybe in the beginning when we got to Garden. I might have hated him, for all of ten minutes.
At least till I realized that he meant more to me, that I deeply cared for him.
I'm not great when it comes to dealing with people, so my skills suck! But because of that handicap, I could never tell him how I felt, I'd look for ways to tell him, tried to find ways to show him. But he'd look at me, and it'd be a certain look he has. Like he's bored with the world and especially with me. And then he'd put his hand on his hip and kink it and ask "what?" Nothing else, just that one word.
I'd find myself reacting to that look, pose, and word. I'd react with anger, anger at myself for not being able to simply tell him, and anger at him for just not knowing what I wanted to say!
My pride would kick in, because hell, I'm Seifer Fuckin' Almasy! No one, and I do mean NO ONE looks at me as if I'm nothing, as if I bore them.
So we'd fight, and as we got older we'd learned to keep it in the training bouts. Though I'd still get in my digs and punches when no one was looking.
All because I couldn't tell him and he couldn't see it.
But for a long while that was good enough for me. Because out of everyone at Garden, I was the only one who could rouse his attention, could gain a reaction, no one else seemed to do this. I was proud of this fact.
I was the only one to pull that deeper darker blue from his eyes.
It took me a long while to realize that I wasn't helping my cause in anyway. That look wasn't something I really wanted. Not when night after night I'd dream of seeing that blue with a different reaction. But I was locked in my own hell because I could find no other way to go back down the road I had driven, and find a new route.
And now...now it's too late.
For just a moment, I held the world in my hands. And in that moment life was wonderful. Unfortunately for me, 'cause my luck never holds, life doesn't ever seem to remain that way. I had to let go of my world, to let it go free.
Though that moment in time will always be cherished beyond all.
I watched him with her. And it nearly broke me completely. I watched as she gained all that I had coveted. She found ways to pull that blue from him. Ways that I'd only dreamed of. It bent me in two, the pain was intense.
When the Sorcesss came to me, I went willingly, anything to get away from the pain of seeing them together. Not only was Rinoa gaining all that I had wanted, but he had taken her from me as well. She was my back up. Someone that helped me pass the time, someone that made me feel almost good about myself. And here they both were, while I was out in the cold.
But I couldn't forgive her for finding the right kind of blue from him.
I watched them dance at the ball, watched her pull him out there, and watched him tranform before my eyes. He danced with her. He looked at her. Really looked. And in that moment hate filled me.
I hated so much that it scared me senseless. And all I could do was channel the pain into anger and the desire to hurt them. I wanted them to bleed, I wanted to see them bloody and broken just as I felt bloody and broken.
They say the other side of love is hate. I'm proof that they're right. And it's deadly!
I came to my senses when Squall and Edea were fighting and I watched that shard embed itself in his chest as he went falling off the float.
I knew I loved him, and if I loved him how could I hurt him? But before I could find a way to get to him, she took control of me. She taunted me, controled me, tortured me, drove me mad, and I couldn't stop my actions, not then, and not at the prison. I could see what I was doing, but I was locked within my own mind, screaming down the walls. I was her puppet on a string. Moving as the master pulled.
Everything I did and said was a twisted version of what I really meant. No thought was safe from her. And when she did finally let me go completley, at that final battle with him. I had nothing and no one. My dearest friends had become fed up with me and had walked away hoping that it would bring me to my senses. Besides why stay on a ship that's sinking?
I would have left sooner if I could have. But with no one and no where to go, I had nothing left, so I stayed. And fought a losing battle.
When Squall asked me if I still considered myself a Knight, I called myself a revoluntionary. Why did I say this? Because I'd had dreams of being a Knight, and I didn't want those dreams to get any cheaper. But I was no more a revoluntionary, then Zell was tall!
All I has was my pride, but that's all I needed at the time, it kept me standing when I'd have otherwise fallen. Especially when faced with the two of them, looking almost happy to be with each other.
It hurt so deeply. Knowing that'd I'd never know that look for myself, that he'd never know of how I'd been allowed to hold him and placed a kiss on his unresponsive lips in the D-District prison, right before his torture.
He would never know of my sorrow and pain, I vowed I'd die before he ever knew. Not because I was weak, but because I'd rather he remember me as he knew me. If I couldn't have his love, I'd rather have the little I did have. I was still one of two people that could gather that pretty blue!
I know I'm prideful, but that pride is as big as Esthar! And pride can make you do stupid things. It can also help you save face. Even when you don't want it to.
I wanted to tell him there so badly, there at the end. Wanted to shout it out to him, and her. But I truly didn't think he'd believe me, I figured he'd simply throw it back in my face. And that would have been worse then anything else.
Still, it hovered on my lips, the words I'd longed for years to say. Till Rinoa showed up. And I swallowed the words, and began to fight with everything I had left. I knew I couldn't win, I knew it was the end, still, it didn't matter. If he was going to be happy with her, then fine, let him go off into the sunset, but before that I'd have my last battle. I'd see at least respect for a foe in his eyes for standing as long as I did.
Just me, Hyperion, Squall and Lionheart, and we fought with everything, two young lions fighting over a pride. But what hurt even more, was seeing the contempt and disgust pour from that blue I'd always loved.
I knew what the others thought of me. With their looks of hate and such. That in itself didn't bother me. I brushed that off like lint on my shoulder. But seeing it there, in the coveted blue, produced an agony so deep, a wound so painful, I knew I couldn't live with it. And I lost the will to fight.
When I lay there, lost in my own private hell, I heard her call to him, and he immediately turned to her. I knew then I had truly lost. Again my hate overruled all other thoughts. I snapped, I don't even remember every detail...I lie, I remember it all vividly. I stood up, and quickly took Rinoa, the bitch that took all I had ever wanted without really trying. She was a thief, and I was going to bring justice to her.
I stole her from Squall and gave her over to Adel, knowing that I could never go back from this. Not with Squall, not with anyone. I was commiting suicide right there and then.
Looking back at that, I realize Rinoa didn't steal him, he wasn't mine to begin with. You can't steal what is freely given. But she took my dream, the only romantic thing within me.
I dreamt of his love. That was my romantic dream that I'd spoken of to him so long ago. I looked and saw all the pain I had caused him, and I couldn't forgive myself. So how could I even think of asking him for forgiveness.
I would never say "I'm sorry." It's not in me, it's not who I am. I can admit a mistake, but I can never go back and apologize for it. I'd rather bluster my way through it. I'll forever regret actions that have caused others pain, but I will not apologize. Not when I'm not going to receive forgiveness from others.
I continue to walk, leaving a trail of my blood on the sand. If there were monsters nearby, they'd surely smell it and come running. I'm dying and I'm alone. Nothing new there, I was always alone, from the very beginning, to the very end.
How very fitting!
I don't fear death, never have. The training cadets receive at Garden takes care of a lot of this, and for a while now it's been in the back of my mind as an escape route from the pain and the horror of being controled by the bitch.
I'd be without worries, no more lies, to be able to lay down and dream.
Dreams are funny things, I sometimes wonder if this place is the reality, where time has no meaning, or if if the other existance, Garden, the battles, all of that was the reality. The more I bleed, the less I really care.
I can see something in the distance ahead of me, something laying there. It could be some kind of animal, maybe. As I walk closer to it, I realize, if it's an animal, I'm in no shape to fight it. And I find myself hoping it's dead.
Stepping closer to it, I can feel the beat of my heart speed up, it's no animal, it's Squall, lying there motionless. How can this be? I look around wondering where the others are. Why would they not be here with him, especially if he's hurt!
Kneeling over him, I feel for a pulse...it's there but faint and I can feel a stinging behind my eyes. And anger comes to the quick. How could they just leave him out here, in the middle of nowhere? Don't they realize that he's the hero, and needs to be watched over? Heros never worry about themselves, they need others to keep watch over them.
I take him into my arms, holding him close; this may be my only chance, and I'll take all that I can. If he were awake, I'd never have gotten this close.
Holding him close, I enjoy the feelings this invokes, all of my longing and desires culminating here in this moment. He, lying in my arms, if only he'd wake and look at me with the love I need. But I know that will never happen. Still, torturing myself was always one of my side hobbies.
I can feel myself getting weaker from blood loss, and I pull him closer, laying my rapidly cooling lips against his warm ones. Just a kiss, as gentle as the wings of a butterfly against his skin, but to me, it's enough. And I can feel the presence of another around me. I don't know how I know, somehow I just do. I lay him down gently and start to awkwardly get up, feeling moisture on my face.
I lift a badly torn gloved hand to feel it.
Tears? Will you look at that, I can actually cry. Those bastards at Garden were wrong!
I walk away slowly, the trail of blood I leave I can't do anything about. I grow weaker and weaker, but I'm unwilling to try to cast magic, not that I have anything that could heal me. Once I'm far enough away, I stop and watch over Squall, simply to make sure he's in good hands.
I can see Rinoa kneeling next to him. I grit my teeth at the reunion, but I'm not able to look away. Like a bad train wreck that calls to your morbid curiosity.
And I always had a healthy dose of that!
With her head on his chest I can see her crying as if he's dead. How stupid of her not to check for a pulse. But he opens his eyes. And suddenly all around us the sky lightens. I can see the blue of the sky as I fall to my knees. A ray of sunshine breaks through to shine down on me, warming me.
I watch them kiss, as my body weakens further and I fall flat, I can feel my heart break completely. And yet...I hope he'll be happy...even with her...
My senses are filled with the warmth of the sun, and the blue of the sky, and I can feel as if I'm floating away, lightheaded from the blood I've lost. If he's happy, that's all I can ask for, if I really love him. And I do.
I don't think we'd ever have been happy with one another, too much had gone on. Though one thought pops into my head and I find myself chuckling. At least whenever he looks in the mirror he'll remember me.
I can only hope he'll some day remember me with some small bit of fondness.
It becomes harder to breathe, and I'm fighting for each breath, fighting even at the very end. Even though I welcome this death, waiting for the next adventure.
I smile, knowing that Squall will live on, he'll be fine, he's a survivor, and I'll have found some semblance of peace. I let go of the battle, feeling as if darkness is starting to close in around me.
But there before its darkest, I find the brightest of lights, a beacon calling to me...
And what do you know...it's blue...