Categories > TV > Red Dwarf0 Reviews
The newly minted (after SMAC) Ace Rimmer comes across Tek Jansen of Alpha Squad Seven. Gratuitous crossover. Slash.
/Oh, excuse me/, he thought with bad grace, and started over.
Ace was not enjoying himself.
For openers, he was not fond of ice worlds. The atlas in the Dimension Jump ship had assured him that Flurvia was a desert planet, but as it turned out, that piece of scrap was about seven thousand years out of date. The planet's orbit had been changed due to a massive outburst of flatulence in the southern hemisphere three hundred years ago, and it was orbiting far enough away from the sun to change the climate drastically. It was now cold enough to freeze a man's tackle off.
Even a hard-light hologram's.
He sighed as he trotted across the frozen plain, shivering. He hoped to high heaven that Princess Amoxycillin's pictures were not also seven thousand years out of date. He'd hate to have gone through all of this for some bitter old crone.
He slipped into a ventilation hatch with a sigh of relief. The base was heated, and the air inside of the duct was considerably warmer than that outside. He huffed on his frozen hands, then rubbed them together. Good. Part one of his plan had gone rather spiffily, if he did say so himself. Part two involved rescuing the Princess, and part three involved gratuitous sexual congress.
He was rather looking forward to part three.
However, part two hit a rather abrupt snag when the ventilation shaft's floor gave way underneath him, dropping him neatly onto the heads of the current changing guard just as it happened to be passing below.
If there was one thing Ace hated more than ice planets, it was interrogation rooms in ice planets. Particularly ones with him inside of them, stripped to the waist and chained to a hook that was set into the ceiling.
"Look, is there anything in particular you'd like to know?" he asked the interrogators. Ugly smegging bastards, the Flurvians, with their short stature and receding hairlines and long, grotty fingernails. Perhaps the information they wanted was benign - the London tube timetables, for instance - and he could get out of this with no harm done. To himself, rather particularly.
"Not really," one of them said, his voice scraping down Ace's spine painfully. He drew his long index fingernail down Ace's chest, drawing blood. "We just enjoy inflicting pain."
"Oh smeg," Ace sighed. There was no easy way out of this little predicament. He was going to have to do something heroic. But he was so smegging new to all of this!
The expression on the face of the interrogator suddenly became very surprised. This corresponded rather well with the pzzrow of an energy weapon and the appearance of a large hole in his torso, and it preceded directly the man crumpling into a heap. With two more /pzzrow/s, the other two interrogators crumpled.
A man stepped out of the shadows. He was dressed in tight black vinyl, which matched his hair - the parts of it that weren't greying. "How you doin'?"
Ace squinted at his unexpected rescuer. Yes, it was nice to not be tortured, but wasn't he supposed to be the performer of heroics, now that he was Ace? "I'm all right - I think. Could you find your way free to... er.. cut me down, here? My fingers are getting numb, and that's hell on the cuticles."
"Nah. I can't step in on Tek's heroics. Still, he should be here soon." The man sighed and scratched his crotch. "I hope. I hate this outfit. Makes my nuts itch."
"Tek Jansen?" Ace cocked an eyebrow. "I've heard of him. Makes the maiden-rescuing rounds, doesn't he?"
"Yeah, that's for sure," the man agreed, ruefully.
The door to the interrogation room rattled on its hinges. The sound of someone kicking at it and swearing drifted underneath, followed by the /pzzrow/s of an energy weapon being discharged against it. Finally, a man's voice drifted underneath - "Oh, it has a door handle!" The door swung open, and a dashing figure swept in.
He was obscenely muscular and obscenely handsome, dressed in a form-fitting suit of red, white, and blue. He carried an energy pistol in one hand and a woman in the other. She was stunningly beautiful; her blond hair flowed in the way hair only flows in shampoo commercials, and her three breasts stood out perkily. Her doe-like eyes were turned with admiration on the man holding her. "Oh, Tek, that was so wonderfully done!"
"Princess Amoxycillin?" Ace gasped.
"Veronica Mars!" Tek bellowed, surprised, in a deep and commanding voice. Ace could not help noticing that the man had a left part, and he wore it with imposing virility. "After I rescued this fair maiden from the evil Flurvian horde, the Circumcised Crusader alerted me to the fact that there was another prisoner on the base. Thank god I got here in time!"
Ace turned to the man in black, who was rubbing his cheek and flashing a rueful smile. "You're the..."
"Yeah. Look, it's bad enough when he says it. Could you just call me..."
"No time for chatter!" Tek bellowed, despite the fact that they were all close enough to hear him even if he whispered. With lightning-fast movements, he took a knife from his belt and sent it whistling through the air. In almost offhand defiance of all of the laws of physics, it cut Ace's bonds on both hands and feet, then whipped around and sliced a good two inches off of the Princess's skirt before returning to Tek's hands. Even more of her long, slender blue legs became visible.
"Oh, Tek," she breathed, rubbing those legs against the newcomer's muscular thighs.
Ace rubbed his wrists ruefully. "Well, I guess you won the day, my old level crossing sign. I suppose I'll just be going..."
"Wait!" Tek declared, holding his palm out dramatically. "Although I am an incredibly virile and potent man, I am also one with a heart large enough to be voted Most Sensitive Man In The Solar System for twelve years running. Here, take her."
Tek tossed the Princess over, and Ace found his arms full of soft feminine curves. She began to stroke his pectorals. "Oooh, what a guy!" she purred, winding his chest hair in her fingers.
"Er, thanks, my old candy cane," Ace said, feeling a little disconcerted at the rapid pace and sharp turns of events. "But what about you?"
"I'll be fine," Tek said, showing teeth as white as a perfectly starched shirt as he flashed a brilliant grin. "After all, I have the Circumcised Crusader!" He whipped over to the man's side. The Crusader in question looked a little shellshocked at being bent backwards over Tek's arm, but he did not put up any kind of protest as Tek kissed him deeply. In fact, Ace noted, he moaned a bit as Tek put his tongue, if the momentary bulges in the Crusader's cheeks were any indication, much farther down the man's throat than Ace had thought physically possible.
"But..." Ace stuttered, feeling confused. The things the Princess was doing to his nipples were not helping. "I thought you were straight!"
"Oh, he is," the Princess said, pausing to lick Ace's neck. "He's had hundreds of girlfriends," she pulled back to add, before ducking in again.
"The Princess has it right!" Tek declared, coming up for air. The Crusader looked slightly shellshocked, but in a rather pleased way. "The Crusader is just my special friend."
This statement set off a rather interesting chain reaction of thoughts in Ace's head. "Wait. You're telling me that an interstellar space hero can be straight - and still have a special friend? A male one? Of the penis-possessing persuasion?"
Tek threw his head back and laughed a rich and victorious laugh. "Can? It's expected of superheroic folk like us! Now, if you'll excuse me," he purred, tracing the Crusader's cheek with a forefinger, "I have things to do with my friend here. Or rather, things to do to my friend here."
"That's for sure!" the Crusader squeaked. Tek lifted the man in his arms, and in a flash, they were gone.
"Well." Rimmer pondered this. It left open a whole new field of possibilities, didn't it? Or, rather, left open the possibility of something he had been gnawing on for some time now, thanks to those strange dreams. Being a perfectly straight action hero - but still being able to have his special friend... He could take a page from Tek Jansen's book, couldn't he!
"Ace, darling," the Princess said with a polite cough, "do you think we can do this first...?"
"Oh, yes... of course!" Ace began to methodically unbutton her blouse, letting her pert breasts poke out enticingly. He was a good, kind, considerate man, one who would not leave a Princess to languish without a good bit of rumpity.
Ace Rimmer was hero, after all!