Disney's Aladdin/Prince of Tennis AU.
"I'm not a street rat!" Momoshiro Takeshi, scoundrel of Agrabah, complained loudly to his pet monkey as he watched the fat guard amble away. "He can't just say that, he just can't! Is it so bad to steal a hamburger or twelve? I'm just taking what I need to survive!"
Echizen, the small brown monkey, didn't pay attention as he nimbly filched the last burger from Momoshiro's pocket. If he had been listening, he would have most likely rolled his eyes and tugged his little cap down.
Momoshiro lunged for Echizen, but the blasted primate scampered high in the beams above his head. "Bastard," Momoshiro said fondly as he shook his fist in Echizen's general direction.
They weren't "thieves" exactly ... Momoshiro thought criminal masterminds sounded much better ... but they were the best damn what-ever-they-weres in Agrabah. Best looking too, Momoshiro added as he fondled his damned fine chest in a manly sort of way.
A plus to being too poor to afford a shirt was that his hot body was always prominently displayed. He'd always been popular with girls ... just not their mothers. All in all, scrounging for food his whole life hadn't been too terrible. He had Echizen for company, he didn't have to follow any rules and no one complained when he hadn't taken a bath for a couple of months.
Still ... Momoshiro had a secret dream. At the bottom of his heart, in its most hidden chamber, Momoshiro dreamed of the palace. He had a perfect view of it from his bedroom/only room window, lit with richness as the sun set slowly. He imagined what it would be like to have his every whim obeyed -- what it would be like to be the big man. Momoshiro really wanted to be a big man.
He sighed, not knowing what fate had in store for him.
Prince Kaidoh was the only child and heir to Oishi, Sultan of Agrabah. Besides being the most desirable and sought-after bit of boy meat in the world, he was really rich and the best belly dancer ever. And it fucking sucked.
He stroked his tiger Karupin, glad that Princess Tomoko of the North had retreated in an angry rage. Why couldn't his father understand that when he got married ... he wanted it to be for love?
Yes, Kaidoh was a romantic. Many times, he read love poetry aloud to his cute kittens and puppies. He'd punch anyone who mentioned it though. Fsssh.
"Son," Oishi said, sitting down beside him on the courtyard bench. "Princess Tomoko said that she couldn't marry you because you are so flamingly gay. Now, I let you have KAT-TUN play at your birthday party, and I overlooked your lace manthongs, but enough is enough. I'm sorry, but the law is the law. You must marry a suitable princess --"
"-- by my next birthday. But the law is retarded, father!" Kaidoh hissed. Karupin the tiger growled at Oishi in agreement.
Sultan Oishi eyes sparked as his face swelled redly. "Hmph!" he snapped. "Allah forbid you have any sons!"
Kaidoh, lip trembling, watched his father storm away. "Oh Karupin," he sobbed, burying his face in the tiger's thick fur. "I just want to be free."
Inui Sadaharu, the closest advisor to the Sultan, watched the prince sob tragically with his large feline in the gardens. His glasses gleamed.
"Mwahahahahaha," he spoke into the hot, Arabian air. "I will be a chump husband!"
"My glorious two years of experience will pay off!" Horio the parrot chirped in happily, joining in on the evil laughter.
They didn't know that the young prince was planning on doing more than update his blog with angsty poetry.
Kaidoh had never been out of the palace walls in his whole life. Neither had he ever dressed so badly. He decided he loved the market place despite the fact that so many people were moving into his "personal space" bubble. Everything was vibrantly chaotic, and to eyes used to refined elegance, it was paradise. People used bad words as though they were nothing, and he even saw one man taking a piss in the road! Sweet liberation, he thought.
But then, he heard the whiny cry that could belong to nothing but a puppy. Kaidoh honed in on the canine with perfect precision. It was looking up at a kabob stand where hot, roasted meat was dripping with juice. Kaidoh could count all of its ribs, and nearly cried out at the animal abuse.
Angrily, he stalked over to the stand and brought a slather of meat down to the poor puppy. "Are you hungry?" he cooed, and the dog lovingly ate the food out of Kaidoh's hand.
A shadow loomed over him and the dog. "You'd better be willing to pay for that," a deep voice warned.
Kaidoh looked up into the face of a truly hideous woman with the largest breasts he had ever seen. "P-pay?" he said in bewilderment.
"No one steals from /Sumire's Cart/!" the hag howled, grabbing Kaidoh's arm in a vice-like grip and holding it up high. "Do you know what the punishment is for STEALING?"
Kaidoh was very quickly changing his opinion on commoners. In fact, he was terrified -- this was just like one particularly scary bedtime story that he'd forbidden Kawamura-sensei from ever reading to him ever, ever again. "Please, ma'am, let me go to the palace and ask the Sultan --" he protested to no response. He was just about to deck the old woman despite the fact that he never hit girls when he found he'd miraculously been let go of.
"Why thank you, kind lady!" a cheerful voice exclaimed, and Kaidoh felt an arm thrown around his shoulders. /No one had ever touched him like this before/. "Thank you so much for finding my brother!"
The hell? Kaidoh was about to protest when a large, warm hand covered his mouth. No one had ever touched him like that before either. His eyelashes fluttered.
"Your brother?" the cart owner asked doubtfully. "He said he knew the Sultan!"
The hand released his mouth, and Kaidoh was able to take a good look at his savior. He was young -- probably around Kaidoh's age -- with hair that stuck up (presumably with his own grease). He was filthy, but his muscles gleamed in the hot desert sun. He was common, but possessed a smile that could charm one's pants off. Kaidoh decided he liked his rescuer very much.
"Yeah, well, he's a little crazy," the boy said, twirling his finger around his temple in the universal symbol of batshit wackiness. Kaidoh changed his mind. "He thinks the monkey's the Sultan."
All eyes turned to the small monkey that was about to pick a careless tourist's fanny pack. The monkey stopped and stared back unblinkingly, baring its teeth. It wasn't a very cute monkey, Kaidoh thought. It probably had rabies.
His rescuer coughed, /Play along, retard/, and grudingly, Kaidoh bowed to the monkey. "Oh ... Sultan ..." he said under his breath. "I am but your servant."
"Che-oo-aa-aa," the monkey scoffed before darting up onto Kaidoh's shoulder.
His rescuer took his hand, and they started walking away until they heard a shriek of, "But where's my money, you thieves!"
The boy winked at Kaidoh. "Run," he said, and Kaidoh did.
Grand Vizier Inui cackled as poured the last ingredient into the concoction. Soon ... soon the lamp would be his. The giant hourglass's juicy sand began to swirl maniacally.
"Oh my god, how much longer," Horio the parrot panted as he ran around the wheel powering the Device of Evil. "If we don't find that stupid lamp, the Sultan is going to stuff another cracker down my --"
"99% chance I don't care," Inui cut in. "Run faster, Horio."
"I'll be the one stuffing the down his throat," Horio said to himself as he increased his pace.
A giant panda formed inside the hourglass.
"Yesssss," Inui murmured in glee. "Spirit of the Lamp, show me the one who can enter the Cave of Wonders -- this /diamond in the rough/."
/I said 'Diamond in the BUFF'/, a deep voice roared, but the panda faded to show a young boy with bad hair -- a street rat no less.
Inui smiled a dangerous smile. "You're two years will pay off soon, Horio."
"Is this your home?" Kaidoh grunted, not sure if his question was polite. The place looked like a war zone.
The boy laughed. "Yep, me and Echizen's. It doesn't look like much, but it's got a great view!"
He pulled back a rag curtain to reveal the palace.
Kaidoh's voice was teaming with unenthusiam. "Yeah ... great."
The boy frowned. Perhaps that line worked on most of the people he brought up here. Kaidoh, on the other hand, wasn't easy.
Except he suddenly was feeling rather weak, and found himself falling forward, pressing his lips to his rescuers'. They were wet and nice and hot. Kaidoh tasted fast food on his breath, and was exhilarated at the forbidden flavor.
"Woah, nelly!" the boy whistled as Kaidoh pulled back, eyes closed. It was definitely one of his best kisses. "I'm not gay!"
Kaidoh's eyes flew open and he blushed fiercely. He was about to punch the scorner of his affections in the gut when the monkey hurled an apple at its owner's head.
"Ouch!" The street boy rubbed the back of his head good-naturedly. "Stupid monkey."
Kaidoh sort of fell in love with him again.
"Look," the boy said, not really meeting Kaidoh's eyes but licking his lips, "we got off on the wrong foot, I guess. Um. I'm Momoshiro! You can call me Momo! The hairy brat is Echizen."
The monkey turned his back on them.
Kaidoh looked back at Momoshiro. If only he weren't so handsome! Kaidoh never knew what to do when he was around handsome men.
"Ffffssshhhuuu," he hissed uncomfortably. "I'm Kaidoh."
Momoshiro -- Momo -- wrinkled his nose as though that were a funny name, but he didn't comment on it. "First time in the market, huh?"
They were silent for a while. Then --
"So are you gay?" Momo asked quickly. "I mean, I don't think I am, but, you know, maybe we could test that out again ..."
Their eyes met.
Ignoring the sounds of Echizen gagging in the background, the two boys began to lean in.
"FOUND YOU!" Arai the guard bellowed, breaking down the rag that served as Momo's door.
"They're after me!" Momo and Kaidoh chorused at the same time. "They're after you?"
Momo grabbed Kaidoh's arm, pulling him towards the window. "Do you trust me?"
"No --" Kaidoh began, but then they were falling out the window.
Right into a trap. Guards surrounded them.
"Well, fuck," Momo said.
Kaidoh punched him in the jaw. "I said I didn't trust you!" he shouted.
"Well, we escaped, didn't we?"
"Dumbass! We're surrounded!"
Momoshiro smiled carelessly. "Yeah, yeah. Don't worry, Echizen will --"
Echizen was currently being fed grapes by a female guard with dark red hair. "What a little masterpiece you are," the guard giggled. "You're /perfect/."
Echizen looked over at Momo and waved goodbye.
That was when things started to get ugly. Kaidoh didn't like blood -- and to watch it pour from Momoshiro's nose as he was kneed in the face ... well, that just wasn't on.
"Stop," he commanded, throwing his robe's hood off. "In the name of the Prince."
"THE BRINCE?" Momo said, clutching at his streaming nose.
The guards all fell to their knees. "Prince Kaidoh!" they said reverently.
"Let him ... uh ... go," he said, not trying to sound like he cared, because he really didn't care about jerks who violated trust and stuff.
"I'm sorry, your majesty," Arai apologized. "But our orders come from ..." the guard shuddered visibly ... "Inui. You'll have to take it up with him."
"Meep." Kaidoh cleared his throat. "Fssshuuu. I'll go do that then."
"Sorry, /Kaidoh/, but the boy's sentence has already been carried out," Inui explained, showing Kaidoh a detailed drawing of the device that was used to torture then decapitate prisoners of the state.
"Oh," Kaidoh said uncomfortably. "Too bad."
Then he ran away very quickly to his bedroom to cuddle with Karupin, tears streaming down his cheeks. "Stupid asshole," he sobbed. "Why couldn't he be more of a man?"
Karupin purred, the vibrations shooting through Kaidoh pleasurably. Kaidoh held onto him for the rest of the night
"This isn't good, it just isn't," Momo said to himself, yanking at the shackles that bound him to the cold, wet dungeon walls. "How could I have been so stupid? He was the freaking Prince! I can't believe I asked the Prince if he was gay. Damn it!"
He didn't realize that Echizen had snuck into the dungeons and picked the lock to his handcuffs until he saw his hands gesturing dramatically in front of him. "About time, Echizen!" he said happily. "Did you bring any food?"
The monkey threw a loaf of bread at Momo's mouth, which he caught in between his teeth. "SCORE," he said, spewing bits of bread everywhere. He gave Echizen a noogie.
Echizen bit him.
Momoshiro brought his hand to his mouth and sucked out the blood. "Okay, okay, I was stupid. I won't be retarded about ... a boy ... again. Come on -- like I have a chance. He has to marry a princess, remember?"
"You're only retarded if you give up, boy," voice echoed from deeper in the prison. A man in a baseball cap emerged out of the darkness, two rectangles of light gleaming from where his eyes should have been. "I am Jackal," he said.
"Riiiiight," Momo said, raising an eyebrow. "Nice meeting you, Jackal, but we're going make like a fault and be out ..."
Jackal grabbed onto Momo by his disgustingly developed bicep. "Haven't you ever heard of the golden rule?" he leered, opening his other hand to reveal rubies the size of bird eggs. "Whoever has the gold makes the rules?"
"That's not gold," Momo said dimly. "I thought gold was yellow."
Jackal bit his tongue to stop from explaining the percentage of white gold that was in existence. "You can buy your Prince if you have enough money," he explained, and Momoshiro's face lit up.
"Really?" he said excitedly. "Man, I bet he'd hate that! Sounds awesome. So how do I go get the money?"
The worst part about looking around in the Cave of Wonders for Jackal's lamp, Momoshiro thought, was trying to shut out the sound of Echizen making sweet love to a magic carpet that decided it wanted to tag along with them.
Not that they were actually having sex (imagine -- Echizen losing his virginity before Momo!), but Momo thought the way they were stoicly walking (or floating) side by side was Gross with a capital 'G'. It wasn't right that Echizen actually liked something when he'd never liked anything in his whole, stupid life, especially if that something was an expressionless rug.
He didn't have much time to worry over his monkey's love life though as he reached the center of the cave to see the lamp glimmering on top of a stone staircase.
Truth be told, it looked pretty shitty. /Whatever/, Momo shrugged as he stuffed the lamp down his voluminous pants. He was making his way the stairs when he tripped over the magic carpet as it was being stroked by Echizen.
"Ahhhhh," went Momo as he careened into a mountain of gold jewels and treasure.
"DOOOOOOOM," went the panda voice of the cave's guardian. "DEATH TO YOU NOW FOR TOUCHING MY G's NIGGAAAAAA."
"Oops," Momo said as everything suddenly turned into molten lava. He was about to panic when the magic carpet shot under his feet, lifting he and Echizen to safety. They raced towards the exit, but just as they were at the opening, a giant boulder fell onto the magic carpet's arm, dragging it down to the cave's bottom. /Good riddance/, Momo thought privately before trying to reach for Jackal's arm.
"Hand me the lamp first," Jackal shouted.
"I'm going to freaking fall to my death!" Momo shouted louder.
"First give me the lamp!"
"Jeez, fine, whatever," Momo said as he tossed the lamp out. He didn't notice the curious, hungry gleam to Jackal's eyes as clutched the lamp to his chest.
"Mwahahahahahaha," Jackal laughed and withdrew a dagger from his tunic. "Oh, and now for your reward, you young, stupid, Kaidoh-stealing person."
He was just about to stab Momo in the eye when Echizen, still upset from the defeat the magic carpet suffered, bit Jackal in the wrist. Viciously, Jackal shook the monkey off into Momo's face, and together, they plummeted into the darkness.
They were lucky, for the magic carpet seemed to have worked its way free just to stop their untimely death via /splat/. Which seemed to make Echizen blush. Ew.
"Well, it looks like we're going to starve to death now thanks to a certain rug," Momo whined as his tummy grumbled. "I'm /hungry/. I bet that Jackal and his stupid lamp are stuffing stuffing their faces right now, maybe burgers with fries or maybe noodles or a thick stew or ..."
Echizen, with a certain amount of smug flair, pulled the lamp out of his ... fur. Momoshiro wasn't all that impressed. "I'd rather eat you than that lamp," he pointed out. The magic carpet wrapped itself around Momoshiro's throat menacingly. "Just kidding!"
"Anyway ..." Momoshiro said after he got bored again, which took about three seconds, "Let me see that thing."
Echizen handed over the lamp. "Hmmm, I think there's something written on it!" Momo said, rubbing at the inscription on the lamp. "If only I knew how to read ..."
Suddenly, the ground began shaking and quaking. Or it appeared to be until Momo realized that the movement was coming from /the lamp/. He tried to throw it out of his hands, but it seemed to be magnetized to his skin.
Blue, sparkly smoke began pouring our of the lamp's spout ... and then ... POOF!
An eery laughter echoed throughout the cave. "Saa, it's quite nice to be out of there."
A most unusual being had appeared in front of them. It was bright blue with gold cuffs around its neck and wrist, and many rings decorating its ears and fingers. The figure's feet were dressed in curled-toed shoes, which Momo noticed not because he knew much about shoes, but because his legs were crossed as he floated several feet in the air. Momo couldn't even tell if it was a chick or a dude. It had pretty blue eyes and a slender build. It was also kind of hot.
"Who --" Momo began, but his voice died down as he realized the ... thing ... was talking to the magic carpet.
"Tezuka," it said warmly, it's voice light and sharp at the same time. "How slowly these past two thousand years have passed. I have missed you."
The being's eyes drifted over to Echizen. "How cute." It smiled, and Echizen's fur puffed up as he moved closer to the magic carpet -- well, Tezuka. The carpet seemed to glare at the girl-guy thing.
"Hey, sorry to interupt," Momoshiro interupted, not sounding very sorry, "but what -- I mean who -- or whatever are you?"
The being smiled so widely as it turned to face Momo that it's eyes disappeared. It was a little terrifying. "Do you wish for me to tell you who I am?"
"Yeah ... I guess," Momo shrugged.
"I am but your humble servant, master," the being replied, dropping to its knees gracefully and bowing its whole body onto the floor. "Your wish is my desire."
"Huh?" Momo's mouth literally dropped upon seeing anything bow to him. He was a street rat, right? "I mean get up! Are you sure you don't have the wrong person, I mean, I'm pretty sure I've never met you before ..."
"I like you," it said, dusting its pants off. "My name is Fuji, and I am the genie of this lamp. And," Fuji chuckled, "I am a boy, since it seems to be troubling you so much."
"Right," Momo said, his ears turning red. "well you can't really blame me -- wait, you're a genie? So what, you do what ever I wish for?"
"You are limited to three wishes to be exact. And I'm afraid you can't wish for more wishes. Apart from that, your every desire will be granted."
"Lucky!" Momo cheered happily. "I wonder what I should use for my first --"
"Second," Fuji chimed in serenely.
"But I thought --"
"You wished that I would tell you who I am, remember?" Fuji reminded Momo, picking an invisible piece of lint off of his spotless outfit.
"I -- damn it!" Momo was going to be careful with this genie. He was clearly a trickster. Unfortunately for him, he'd never dealt with a genius along the likes of Momoshiro! "You're not going to make me fall for that again."
"Do you wish that I stop tricking you?" Fuji asked innocently.
"Ye...No!" Momo caught himself at the last moment after Echizen leaped onto his head and flicked him between the eyes. "He he he, almost got me again!" he said, impressed.
Inui watched the Sultan swallow his latest juice like a hawk, making sure that his throat was working the liquid down. A small drip missed its mark so Inui used a long finger to catch it before thrusting it into the Sultan's mouth.
The Sultan was already too far gone to notice.
"You will command Prince Kaidoh to marry me," Inui commanded, each syllable heavy and hot.
"Yosh! Weddings are my favorite!" Sultan Oishi sighed dreamily. "It's perfect ... but ... you're so creepy!"
"The Prince will marry me!" Inui yelled, pouring more juice down the Sultan's throat.
"The ... Prince ... will marry ..." the Sultan's eyes fluttered as a music hit his ears, breaking him from the juice's effect. "What is that sound?"
"I could make your true love fall in love with you," Fuji pointed out after Momo'd commanded that the genie let him 'think'.
"Really?" Momoshiro imagined imprisoning Prince Kaidoh into liking him against his will. It sounded pretty awesome ... only, deep down, that wasn't what he wanted. What he wanted ... what he wanted was something kind of embarrassing and gushy. The trouble was, being a street rat, there was no way that he could court Kaidoh in a traditional way ... or was there?
A lightbulb flashed above Momo's big head. "Genie!" he commanded excitedly. "I wish for you to make me a princess!"
The Sultan immediately was enamored with Princess Momoko. Not only was she fair, rich and charming (and had her own theme song!), but she owned a most fantastic magic carpet.
"Yeah, yeah, take that pedo Tezuka off my hands," Princess Momoko said graciously.
Oishi was only too happy to rest his butt upon the softness of the carpet. "How delightful!" he said, right before the monkey leaped.
"Where did you say you originate from?" Grand Vizier Inui asked the princess sharply.
"Huh? Oh ... far, far away." The princess wasn't paying much attention to Inui. Instead she seemed to be trying to spot something or someone. "So, uh, when do I get to meet that homo -- I mean ... Prince Kaidoh?"
"I'm 78% sure you're not suitable for her," Inui sniffed.
Momoko rolled her eyes. "Dude, look at this chest," she explained, squishing her boobs together with a look of ecstacy. "These babies are suitable for /anyone/."
"Ew," Inui said. "The Prince doesn't like bulges of fat."
"I know you are but what am I?" Momoko taunted.
"Your mama --" Inui began, but then the great doors to Kaidoh's bedroom burst open, halting their very mature in its tracks.
"I'm not some prize to be won!" Prince Kaidoh whined before slamming his door shut dramatically.
"SOMEONE GET THIS MONKEY OFF OF ME!" Sultan Oishi shrieked in the background, but no one paid much attention to him.
Momoko thought a brilliant idea would be to break into Kaidoh's bedroom while he was sleeping. For some reason though, instead of bouncing on Kaidoh's huge and very cool bed until he woke him up, she was sidetracked when she spotted Kaidoh's underwear drawer. His underwear sure looked girly in Momoko's opinion.
She was sniffing a pair of pale pink panties when there was a loud roar. She turned around slowly and came face to face with a giant tiger. "Oops," she said.
"Karupin?" Kaidoh choked hoarsely as he was rudely awoken from his beauty sleep. "Oh my god! Rapist! Attacker!"
Momoko threw up both of her hands in the air. "Whoa! It's just me!"
"Molester!" Kaidoh shrieked as Momoko's breasts jiggled. "Karupin, eat her!"
Fuji the genie was currently floating right by Momoko's ear in bee form. "Don't tell him the truth!" he warned. "Don't bee yourself!"
Momoko gave Fuji's advice all the thought he felt it deserved. "It's me! Momo! The street boy, remember? Come on, Kaidoh, killing the guy who saved your ass with a tiger isn't right, it just isn't!"
"Momo?" Kaidoh said, voice suddenly husky, holding up a hand to tell Karupin to stay. "Is ... is it really you?"
Momoko smiled a bright, goofy smile. "The one and only!" she said winningly.
"GHOST!" Kaidoh cried. "EVIL SPIRIT! RUN KARUPIN, RUN!"
Momoko chased after Kaidoh as he ran, but damn, that Kaidoh was fast. "I'm not a ghost! I swear! A genie turned me into a princess!"
"PSYCHOPATHIC MASS MURDERER! AHHHH!"
This was begininng to get really ridiculous. Momoko launched herself into the air and tackled Prince Kaidoh to the ground. The wrestled sweatily for several minutes until Momoko realized that it wasn't a longboat in Kaidoh's pants, and that he WAS happy to see her.
"You're so manly," Kaidoh panted gruffly. "Take me."
"Yeah, okay," Momoko replied. "But first ..." She smiled, sure that this time she was making a good choice. "Genie, I wish for a happily ever after for me and Kaidoh!"
Fuji smiled. "Your wish is my command."
AND PRINCE KAIDOH AND PRINCESS MOMOKO LIVED HAPPILY EVER AFTER.