Categories > Anime/Manga > Inuyasha > This Can't Be Good
KURAMA: (Holding cellphone) I just got a call from Botan asking why I wasn't at work.
Did you tell her you're starring in my masterpiece?
KURAMA: Not in those words. She said Togashi knew nothing about leasing my contract.
Well we never really finalized the terms. It was more of a verbal-
KURAMA: Let me see that reciept! (Grabs it)
. . .
KURAMA: This is written on the back of a noodle box.
Is it?
KURAMA: In crayon!
.
.
.
It all happened very quickly.
Hojo had gone back to his book, Sango had gone back to hiraikotsu, and Miroku had gone back to wondering what Sango would look like in one of Kagome's revealing uniforms.
He couldn't believe he'd gotten through that last crack without getting a new bump on his head. Miroku put a casual hand to his scalp. Yup, his last one was nearly gone. How long had it been since not one part of his skull ached?
He would have to find some way to repay Kagome's friend for the favor. Truly, why was Inuyasha so irritated by him?
Miroku let an eyebrow twitch. As with many things which concerned the dog demon, the answer could be found with Kagome. Hojo was a reminder of that strange time of hers. He shook his head. Inuyasha needed to realize it wasn't this boy, or Kouga, and certainly not Miroku - Kagome's homeland itself was his only real rival.
Besides, although Hojo was certainly polite and good-looking, it wasn't as if he had anywhere near the technique or sophistication to pose any threat where the ladies were concerned. Well, Miroku realized with subdued pride, maybe he did in comparison to a spluttering ruffian like Inuyasha...
Hojo closed his borrowed book with a sigh, looking idly over to Sango.
"Do you really use that thing to kill demons?"
Sango looked up, smiling just slightly. Miroku allowed himself to do the same. Sango usually heard that question from small children. Was everything here really so new to Hojo?
In fact, that had looked almost exactly like Childlike Smile-Eyes Averted. Miroku blinked. He hadn't seen that move since...
"Yes," she nodded. "It takes quite a bit of wear," she turned the weapon, "look here."
Hojo leaned the book against the wall and scooted over to sit next to Sango.
Miroku looked away while the taijiya gave the future boy a quick lesson in the care and feeding of a demon-slayer's boomerang. Something about it... He leaned back against Kaede's wall. The answer would come to him if he didn't look too hard.
"Should you find yourself -ahem!- lonely for a woman's attention, Miroku," /he found himself hearing one of Mushin's lessons in his head, "just remember that there's more than one way to wax a... Many kinds of skins for a ... what was I saying? /
Ah yes, Miroku mused... Mushin may not have been the most sober of masters, but his store of knowledge in all things holy - and otherwise - was beyond price.
"When in doubt, boy, just find out what a girl does and feign interest. That never fails..."
"So how do you make one of these, Miss Sango?"
"Well, this one is made from the jawbone of a centipede demon..."
Maybe Hojo... Nah.
"I didn't know those things had jawbones," Hojo admitted.
And... That looked like an Innocent Shrug With Sheepish Smile
Miroku searched his memory. Yes... Mushin had been speaking of the innocent approach...
"Don't be afraid to state the obvious... It gives her a chance to agree."
"Wow! That sounds like one of these takes a long time to make!"
"That's right, Hojo-san; this one took my father and me months to finish."
Miroku's eyes narrowed.
"The problem with this technique, boy, is that it never lasts very long. Unless she's either stupid as a stump or VERY drunk, most young women are going to see through the sensitive act right away.
Miroku's brow creased. Something odd about Sango's face. Had she been in the sun too-
His eyes went wide. Sango, who had faced down demons the size of foothills without fear, Sango who had torn her own heart to scraps in the hopes of salvaging the lost Kohaku, the unconquerable Sango, was blushing!
"I am teaching you this, Miroku, so that you will be able to recognize a creature that is in some ways more treacherous than any demon..."
And Hojo didn't seem to notice. He kept prattling on like an idiot, asking one mindless question after another as if he really did want to know about that stupid hiraikotsu.
Sweet merciful Buddha... /Miroku realized in horror. /Why didn't I notice it before?
Mushin had warned him of those foul and deceitful men who feigned boyish innocence to gain the trust of young women (Miroku himself preferred to feign boyish virtue, an entirely different approach.), but if his master had been right, Hojo was a far more serious problem.
"Basically, my boy," /he remembered the old monk's chilling words, "the only way this technique works on an extended basis is if the man using it really IS an innocent twit. It's frustrating as hell, but when you run across a natural, it's best to just cut your losses and go get drunk instead..." /
Sango had raised one hand to her mouth to cover a shy smile as Hojo asked her - with a textbook Hopeful Glance - how she'd attached the hand grips.
"But Master Mushin," he heard his own voice from years past, "how do I feign innocence without feigning it?"
"Men like us don't - I mean, you'd think with the monk thing - but it's generally unwise to try a discipline which conflicts with your nature. Why, I remember..."
And the lesson had dissolved into a retelling of Mushin's younger days... Entertaining, to be sure, but hardly useful in the current situation.
Hojo leaned in to listen intently as Sango explained the different throws she'd used in battle, and Miroku tried very hard not to panic, invoking some of Mushin's more traditional lessons to bring himself a sense of calm.
The really sad part was, Hojo probably wasn't even trying to get laid. All that time and - well, in a normal guy's case - effort just going to waste. That hurt about as much as Sango's diverted attention.
/Ah well/, Miroku willed himself to think. At least he was still the only man whom Sango let touch her gorgeous body. ...if by 'let,' of course, one meant 'let live...'
Just thinking about it made his fingers start to itch.
And then it all happened very quickly...
.
.
.
.
.
"PERVERT!!"
"Hey, did you just-?!"
"Get out of the way!"
"Oof!"
"Houshi-sama!! "
"Sango, It was an accident, I swear!"
"Ooooooh! "
Kagome and Inuyasha stepped into view just in time to see a furious Sango slap Miroku hard - not in itself an unusual happening - but why was /Hojo /pressing one hand to the side of his face? Surely...
No way...
Inuyasha felt his eyes narrow. Miroku's influence couldn't be that bad! Not that quickly!
And for fuck's sake! How come Sango got to hit him and he didn't?
Inuyasha shook his head. Something else must've gone down here. Hojo was far too spineless to have felt up Sango, but at least it looked like he'd found out why no one else wanted to. Well... Inuyasha glanced at Miroku. No one else who didn't have some twisted love of pain.
"What ...happened?" Kagome asked tentatively.
Hojo was giving Miroku a suspicious frown, "If I didn't know better, I'd say that-" he looked to Kagome, "I don't mean to speak ill of your friends, Higurashi, but-" He looked from Kagome to the fuming taijiya and back. Inuyasha rolled his eyes. Again? What a loser. "I think Miroku-sama-"
"Tried to grab Sango's ass?" Inuyasha finished.
"I'm sure that wasn't it!" Hojo held up his hands, "Come on, the man's a priest for goodness sake!"
Inuyasha snorted.
"It is reassuring," Miroku was by now sitting cross-legged on the ground, looking remarkably composed for a man with a bright red handprint on one side of his face and a seething girl ready to give him the matching set standing not three feet away, "to find someone in this world willing to take the word of a simple monk..."
"That's only because he doesn't know you, pervert!" claimed Sango.
"Now, now, Miss Sango, no need to get upset," Hojo tried to placate her, "He said it was an accident."
Sango folded her arms, "I think he was talking about hitting you in the face with his staff while he was trying to dodge, Hojo-san."
Wait wait wait-what?!
Inuyasha blinked in surprise. Miroku got to club the runt?!
Kagome had covered her eyes with one hand. "Actually, Hojo," her voice was almost apologetic. "He does it all the time." Sango nodded darkly.
"He what?!" Hojo looked to Miroku, "but... but you're a monk!"
"Indeed I am," answered Miroku.
"That's no way for a holy man to act!" Hojo sounded somewhere between surprised and angry, "And no way to treat a lady!" he gestured to Sango, who jumped.
Inuyasha frowned. The stormcloud on her face seemed lighter for a moment.
"And here I thought this was just a big misunderstanding!"
"Hojo-kun," Kagome stopped him, sounding tired of the whole mess. Inuyasha smirked.
"I can't leave you alone for a minute, can I?"
Wha-Fuck.
"Come on," she held out an arm. "Kaede's busy right now, but you might as well see the village." She looked over her shoulder at the monk, "Leaving you with this pervert was obviously a mistake."
"I think I'll go with you," Sango flashed Miroku a glare and slung hiraikotsu across her shoulder.
He still hadn't said a word.
And as gut-twistingly reluctant as Inuyasha was to let Hojo go with Kagome for even a minute, he had to admit he was curious...
"Misunderstanding?" he asked once the girls were out of earshot.
"Actually," Miroku sighed, rubbing his head, "I'm afraid Sango and I seem to understand each other quite well."
"You /never /dodge Sango's hits," he demanded. "What happened?"
"I don't know what came over me..." The priest looked up from his hands, "I suppose... I suppose something about him just ticked me off."
Inuyasha snorted.
"Inuyasha, we must send this boy back to Kagome's time as soon as possible!"
"What clued you in?"
The monk didn't answer, eyes returning to the ground. A moment passed, and the silence stretched until someone had to break it. Inuyasha took a breath:
"Felt good, didn't it?"
Miroku leaned back with something like a smile and closed his eyes.
"Indeed..."
.
.
.
KURAMA: It's usually Hiei who goes for revenge, but in your case I'll consider an exception.
Anytime, babe; my number's in the book.
KURAMA: I can't believe I almost did porn!
Hey, I admit that was a slutty costume, and the script kinda' sucked, but it was a strict PG-13!
KURAMA: Okay, okay...
Give me some credit; that human form of yours is only what, sixteen? Besides, you and I both know that fanfiction.net does not host sexually explicit material.
BOTH: (laugh riotously)
A fox demon's legal by three hundred, right?
KURAMA: I will destroy you!
Did you tell her you're starring in my masterpiece?
KURAMA: Not in those words. She said Togashi knew nothing about leasing my contract.
Well we never really finalized the terms. It was more of a verbal-
KURAMA: Let me see that reciept! (Grabs it)
. . .
KURAMA: This is written on the back of a noodle box.
Is it?
KURAMA: In crayon!
.
.
.
It all happened very quickly.
Hojo had gone back to his book, Sango had gone back to hiraikotsu, and Miroku had gone back to wondering what Sango would look like in one of Kagome's revealing uniforms.
He couldn't believe he'd gotten through that last crack without getting a new bump on his head. Miroku put a casual hand to his scalp. Yup, his last one was nearly gone. How long had it been since not one part of his skull ached?
He would have to find some way to repay Kagome's friend for the favor. Truly, why was Inuyasha so irritated by him?
Miroku let an eyebrow twitch. As with many things which concerned the dog demon, the answer could be found with Kagome. Hojo was a reminder of that strange time of hers. He shook his head. Inuyasha needed to realize it wasn't this boy, or Kouga, and certainly not Miroku - Kagome's homeland itself was his only real rival.
Besides, although Hojo was certainly polite and good-looking, it wasn't as if he had anywhere near the technique or sophistication to pose any threat where the ladies were concerned. Well, Miroku realized with subdued pride, maybe he did in comparison to a spluttering ruffian like Inuyasha...
Hojo closed his borrowed book with a sigh, looking idly over to Sango.
"Do you really use that thing to kill demons?"
Sango looked up, smiling just slightly. Miroku allowed himself to do the same. Sango usually heard that question from small children. Was everything here really so new to Hojo?
In fact, that had looked almost exactly like Childlike Smile-Eyes Averted. Miroku blinked. He hadn't seen that move since...
"Yes," she nodded. "It takes quite a bit of wear," she turned the weapon, "look here."
Hojo leaned the book against the wall and scooted over to sit next to Sango.
Miroku looked away while the taijiya gave the future boy a quick lesson in the care and feeding of a demon-slayer's boomerang. Something about it... He leaned back against Kaede's wall. The answer would come to him if he didn't look too hard.
"Should you find yourself -ahem!- lonely for a woman's attention, Miroku," /he found himself hearing one of Mushin's lessons in his head, "just remember that there's more than one way to wax a... Many kinds of skins for a ... what was I saying? /
Ah yes, Miroku mused... Mushin may not have been the most sober of masters, but his store of knowledge in all things holy - and otherwise - was beyond price.
"When in doubt, boy, just find out what a girl does and feign interest. That never fails..."
"So how do you make one of these, Miss Sango?"
"Well, this one is made from the jawbone of a centipede demon..."
Maybe Hojo... Nah.
"I didn't know those things had jawbones," Hojo admitted.
And... That looked like an Innocent Shrug With Sheepish Smile
Miroku searched his memory. Yes... Mushin had been speaking of the innocent approach...
"Don't be afraid to state the obvious... It gives her a chance to agree."
"Wow! That sounds like one of these takes a long time to make!"
"That's right, Hojo-san; this one took my father and me months to finish."
Miroku's eyes narrowed.
"The problem with this technique, boy, is that it never lasts very long. Unless she's either stupid as a stump or VERY drunk, most young women are going to see through the sensitive act right away.
Miroku's brow creased. Something odd about Sango's face. Had she been in the sun too-
His eyes went wide. Sango, who had faced down demons the size of foothills without fear, Sango who had torn her own heart to scraps in the hopes of salvaging the lost Kohaku, the unconquerable Sango, was blushing!
"I am teaching you this, Miroku, so that you will be able to recognize a creature that is in some ways more treacherous than any demon..."
And Hojo didn't seem to notice. He kept prattling on like an idiot, asking one mindless question after another as if he really did want to know about that stupid hiraikotsu.
Sweet merciful Buddha... /Miroku realized in horror. /Why didn't I notice it before?
Mushin had warned him of those foul and deceitful men who feigned boyish innocence to gain the trust of young women (Miroku himself preferred to feign boyish virtue, an entirely different approach.), but if his master had been right, Hojo was a far more serious problem.
"Basically, my boy," /he remembered the old monk's chilling words, "the only way this technique works on an extended basis is if the man using it really IS an innocent twit. It's frustrating as hell, but when you run across a natural, it's best to just cut your losses and go get drunk instead..." /
Sango had raised one hand to her mouth to cover a shy smile as Hojo asked her - with a textbook Hopeful Glance - how she'd attached the hand grips.
"But Master Mushin," he heard his own voice from years past, "how do I feign innocence without feigning it?"
"Men like us don't - I mean, you'd think with the monk thing - but it's generally unwise to try a discipline which conflicts with your nature. Why, I remember..."
And the lesson had dissolved into a retelling of Mushin's younger days... Entertaining, to be sure, but hardly useful in the current situation.
Hojo leaned in to listen intently as Sango explained the different throws she'd used in battle, and Miroku tried very hard not to panic, invoking some of Mushin's more traditional lessons to bring himself a sense of calm.
The really sad part was, Hojo probably wasn't even trying to get laid. All that time and - well, in a normal guy's case - effort just going to waste. That hurt about as much as Sango's diverted attention.
/Ah well/, Miroku willed himself to think. At least he was still the only man whom Sango let touch her gorgeous body. ...if by 'let,' of course, one meant 'let live...'
Just thinking about it made his fingers start to itch.
And then it all happened very quickly...
.
.
.
.
.
"PERVERT!!"
"Hey, did you just-?!"
"Get out of the way!"
"Oof!"
"Houshi-sama!! "
"Sango, It was an accident, I swear!"
"Ooooooh! "
Kagome and Inuyasha stepped into view just in time to see a furious Sango slap Miroku hard - not in itself an unusual happening - but why was /Hojo /pressing one hand to the side of his face? Surely...
No way...
Inuyasha felt his eyes narrow. Miroku's influence couldn't be that bad! Not that quickly!
And for fuck's sake! How come Sango got to hit him and he didn't?
Inuyasha shook his head. Something else must've gone down here. Hojo was far too spineless to have felt up Sango, but at least it looked like he'd found out why no one else wanted to. Well... Inuyasha glanced at Miroku. No one else who didn't have some twisted love of pain.
"What ...happened?" Kagome asked tentatively.
Hojo was giving Miroku a suspicious frown, "If I didn't know better, I'd say that-" he looked to Kagome, "I don't mean to speak ill of your friends, Higurashi, but-" He looked from Kagome to the fuming taijiya and back. Inuyasha rolled his eyes. Again? What a loser. "I think Miroku-sama-"
"Tried to grab Sango's ass?" Inuyasha finished.
"I'm sure that wasn't it!" Hojo held up his hands, "Come on, the man's a priest for goodness sake!"
Inuyasha snorted.
"It is reassuring," Miroku was by now sitting cross-legged on the ground, looking remarkably composed for a man with a bright red handprint on one side of his face and a seething girl ready to give him the matching set standing not three feet away, "to find someone in this world willing to take the word of a simple monk..."
"That's only because he doesn't know you, pervert!" claimed Sango.
"Now, now, Miss Sango, no need to get upset," Hojo tried to placate her, "He said it was an accident."
Sango folded her arms, "I think he was talking about hitting you in the face with his staff while he was trying to dodge, Hojo-san."
Wait wait wait-what?!
Inuyasha blinked in surprise. Miroku got to club the runt?!
Kagome had covered her eyes with one hand. "Actually, Hojo," her voice was almost apologetic. "He does it all the time." Sango nodded darkly.
"He what?!" Hojo looked to Miroku, "but... but you're a monk!"
"Indeed I am," answered Miroku.
"That's no way for a holy man to act!" Hojo sounded somewhere between surprised and angry, "And no way to treat a lady!" he gestured to Sango, who jumped.
Inuyasha frowned. The stormcloud on her face seemed lighter for a moment.
"And here I thought this was just a big misunderstanding!"
"Hojo-kun," Kagome stopped him, sounding tired of the whole mess. Inuyasha smirked.
"I can't leave you alone for a minute, can I?"
Wha-Fuck.
"Come on," she held out an arm. "Kaede's busy right now, but you might as well see the village." She looked over her shoulder at the monk, "Leaving you with this pervert was obviously a mistake."
"I think I'll go with you," Sango flashed Miroku a glare and slung hiraikotsu across her shoulder.
He still hadn't said a word.
And as gut-twistingly reluctant as Inuyasha was to let Hojo go with Kagome for even a minute, he had to admit he was curious...
"Misunderstanding?" he asked once the girls were out of earshot.
"Actually," Miroku sighed, rubbing his head, "I'm afraid Sango and I seem to understand each other quite well."
"You /never /dodge Sango's hits," he demanded. "What happened?"
"I don't know what came over me..." The priest looked up from his hands, "I suppose... I suppose something about him just ticked me off."
Inuyasha snorted.
"Inuyasha, we must send this boy back to Kagome's time as soon as possible!"
"What clued you in?"
The monk didn't answer, eyes returning to the ground. A moment passed, and the silence stretched until someone had to break it. Inuyasha took a breath:
"Felt good, didn't it?"
Miroku leaned back with something like a smile and closed his eyes.
"Indeed..."
.
.
.
KURAMA: It's usually Hiei who goes for revenge, but in your case I'll consider an exception.
Anytime, babe; my number's in the book.
KURAMA: I can't believe I almost did porn!
Hey, I admit that was a slutty costume, and the script kinda' sucked, but it was a strict PG-13!
KURAMA: Okay, okay...
Give me some credit; that human form of yours is only what, sixteen? Besides, you and I both know that fanfiction.net does not host sexually explicit material.
BOTH: (laugh riotously)
A fox demon's legal by three hundred, right?
KURAMA: I will destroy you!
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