Categories > Celebrities > Panic! At The Disco > If it looks like I'm laughing, I'm just asking to leave.

Chapter Twelve

by rainbowsprinkles08 4 Reviews


Category: Panic! At The Disco - Rating: R - Genres: Angst, Humor, Romance - Characters:  - Warnings: [!] - Published: 2007/06/10 - Updated: 2007/06/11 - 1725 words - Complete

Chapter 12

Ryan's POV

We stood in the hallway, her crying into my chest and I held her to my heart. I fought to keep my own composure; we didn't need us both crying, now did we?

"Sh, baby. I'm here. I'm not going anywhere." I repeated over and over.

"Lets go somewhere, yeah?" I asked after we had been there for 20 minutes. She nodded and I ushered her out of the hall.

Brendon, Jon and Spencer had gone with the TAI boys to sign autographs and Lane and Emily had gone to the bus to wait.

I felt terrible for totally skipping out on the fans, but right now Nicky was more important. We headed back to the bus. When we got on I heard Emily and Lane watching Little Miss Sunshine in the Lounge. WE walked past them and back towards the bunks. We got to mine and she climbed in and laid down. I climbed in after her and when I got in, she clung back onto me and kept right on crying.

"Baby, I need you to tell me whats going on." I said after she had calmed down some.

"Y-you're the f-first person that h-has ever found out about i-it. I've been so good at keeping it t-to myself."

"How long?" I asked fearing the answer. From what I had seen there were so many.

"I-I don't know. I started during the summer after eighth g-grade. So about four or five years." She stuttered.

I was stunned. Five years. Five fucking years and nobody /noticed/??? Did nobody care????

I held her tighter.

"Do you mind?" I asked as I reached for her arm again.

First she hesitated, and then she reluctantly nodded. I helped her take off her hoodie and turned on my reading light to get some light. She was wearing a tank top under her hoodie so I could see all of her arm. My breath caught and my heart began to race. There were scars and scabs from recent cuts all the way up to her shoulder. They mutilated her arm.

"Nicky..." I whispered tracing them, trying to count them and trying to come up with a reason that each one might represent.

"Are there any others?" I asked looking into her eyes and once again fearing the answer. She looked away form my eyes and nodded slightly. She laid back on the bed and slid up her shirt so her stomach and ribs were exposed. There were scars and scabs there too.

"Sometimes I feel as though I run out of room on my arm, others I just want to hide them." She said, just barely audible. "I'm not proud of it, but its my way of coping with things or just a way to punish myself for something that I'm ashamed of doing. Something to remind myself never to do that again." She paused. "I mean, hell, sometimes I even cut myself for cutting." She laughed a hapless laugh then buried her face in her hands.

Maybe I should tell her, I mean she should know.

"Nicky, did you know that I used to uh- cut also?..."

She looked up at me, her face curious in the small amount of light, but I could still see the tears running. "You did?"

"Um, yeah. You know, I didn't have that great of a childhood."

"Well, I know your father was an alcoholic, you told me that, and I read that he might have been physical with you..." She trailed off.

"Uh, yeah. He was." I said quietly. "Along with that, the only true friend I had was Spence, and he didn't go to my school so there was a lot of time that I was alone."

"Oh Ryan, I'm so sorry." She said moving her body closer to mine and pulling me down to lay with her.

We just laid there for a while. She was calming down little by little. I just spaced out and stared at the top of my bunk, thinking back to when I was younger. What it was like to be alone all the time. This band was the best thing that ever happened to me. It brought me three best friends and some other close friends in the TAI and FOB boys. It also brought me the wonderful person curled into my body next to me. I'm so grateful all of it.

She said something just barely audibly.

"Hm?" I asked as I was brought back to the present.

"Why did stop?" She whispered a bit louder.

"I stopped just before we went on our first tour. Spencer had figured out what was going on and sat me down and we had a talk." I said as I thought back to that conversation. It felt so long ago even though it was only about a year or two. "He showed me that somebody cared about what happened to me and I think that's all that I really needed in the end."

She stared up at me with wondering eyes. They had so many questions behind them. I just stared right back at her wondering what could be going through her head. I know how hard it was for Spence to find out about me, but I had known him for years. Nicky has only known me for days and for me to find out...that must be hard.

I care about her so much, but how do I show her?

All of the sudden we heard some commotion back in the front of the bus. The guys must be back from signing. We heard them talking loudly.

"God those girls are nuts!" Brendon said.

"Yeah you're telling me." Jon said.

"What are you talking about?? LOOK AT MY SHIRT!!" Brendon said.

"Aw poor kid. Those fan girls can get violent can't they." Emily said.

"Yeah we had to turn the tv all the way up to block out the screams." Lane said.

"What can I say? I'm just a hot piece of man meat."

"Yes you are." Emily said.

Nicky laughed slightly. I could feel her body shake from it and a slight smile spread across her face.

We heard Jon and Spencer come back towards the bunk area. I looked at Nicky and put a finger to her lips. I didn't want them to bother us. She nodded and nuzzled her head into the crook of my neck.

"I hope Nicky is ok she looked really distraught tonight." Spencer said

"Yeah. Me too. She's a cool kid. She and Ryan go well together too." Jon replied.

"I wonder where they are."

"Well we only have tonight, the show tomorrow, then we're off. They're probably getting some alone time and sorting out what ever is wrong with Nicky."

"Yeah that's true. I wonder what they're going to do when we leave. Ryan seems to like her a lot but life on the road. I mean it would be hard. Plus they live on opposite sides of the country." Nicky's head lifted off my shoulder with a worried expression. Her eyes started to pool again. She looked between my eyes trying to convey her worries to me.

"Stop being such a negative Nancy, Spence. They'll figure it out if they like each toher enough." Then there was silence.

"Guitar Hero?"

"I boycott remember, Jon? I'll watch you play Bren."

"Ok." And they walked out.

I wiped the tears off her cheeks with my thumbs.

"Ryan, they're right what are we going to do?"

"We'll be ok. They're right about another thing. If we like each other enough we'll make it work."

"But Ry, life on the road is so hard and who knows what could happen. Plus, am I really worth it? I mean seriously I'm only 17 and you'll be 21 on a couple of months. You'll find a better looking, smarter, older woman that doesn't cause so much trouble." She rambled on. "And when your done touring and back home you'll in Vegas and I'll be her and-"

"Nicky, stop." I cut her off. She was going into hysterics. "Don't even worry about the age thing. You'll be 18 around the same time I turn 21. You're so worth it. I could never find anyone that compares to you. I-"

I took a breath. Should I tell her? I do but how will she react? This is a strange situation...ok here goes nothing.

"Nicky, I love you." Her eyes widened, but the tears had stopped flowing.

"Wh- what?" She stuttered.

"I- I love you." I waited. But she just stared at me.

"FUCK! What time is it??" I heard from the front. I heard foot steps come running back. Then the curtains on my bunk slid open.

"Nicky, do you know what time it is????" Lane was practically screaming in her face and what from what I know of lane, this is very un lane like to scream.

Nicky continued to look at me.


"huh? What?" Her eyes broke from our stare.

"/Do you know what time it is?/ We need to go /NOW/." Lane emphasized as much as she could because she could see that Nicky was being a little slow at the moment.

"What? Why? What time is it?"

"Its fucking 2:30 in the fucking morning." Emily said from behind Lane "We need to go."

"SHIT!" Nicky said and in a flash she was out of the bunk and starting down the hall.

"Wait." I said going after her.

"No Ryan. I need to go."

"Wait a minute." I said as I grabbed her wrist and pulled her to me for what seemed like the millionth time that night.

"You're alright, right?" I asked and kissed her forehead.

She nodded. "Yes, I'm ok." And she went up on her tip toes and kissed me. Then leaned in so her lips were next to my ear. "I love you too."

With that the three of them were out the door and hailing a cab. I watched them leave and I saw Nicky turn and smile and wave.

"Jesus Christ, what a night." Brendon said.

You can say that again I thought. I sighed, shook my head and walked back to my bunk.


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