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she can't live without him and he can't either total love fest...not
That thought burned into my memory ever since it happened. I've never so much anger in my entire life. It was like something was controlling over my body, and I couldn't stop it. I know that she'll never be able to forgive me, but I'll have to try. Try to tell her that I'm sorry. Even though she moved and her family put a restraining order against me. I'll have to try somehow, even if she doesn't forgive me, I'll keep telling her until she does. I can't leave her that pain I caused her. So much pain.
I hate him! I'll never forgive him for what he's done. I hate him! So much pain, so much hate. It left me scarred all over my body, even my heart. After getting out of the hospital, my scars where able to heal, but my heart remained broken. I'll never forgive him, even if he begs, even if he gets down on his knees and beg, even if he apologizes by writing it on the sky with an airplane. I'll NEVER forgive him. He's done too much damage, I'll never forgive. I hate him! I hate him! I hate him...I hate him with every fiber in my body, but...why do I...love him...
Her beautiful bright smile turn dark and upside down. Her bright exciting green eyes, turn shadowed and pain. Her long brown hair, covered in red blood. Her slender neck, arms, and legs, covered in bruises, cuts, and scratches. Her beautiful body, weakened and battered, to the point where she can't stand to move. And her heart, shattered and broken into a million pieces. And I won't be able to be there to help gather them together. Knowing I was the cause of her pain and shattered heart. Making mines dissolve into nothing.
'He's not worth it' 'Don't cry over him' 'He never loved you if he did that to you' ' Nobody should treat someone like that' ' You didn't deserve it' ' Get on with your life' the voices all around me said. Sitting on the couch in my living room where he and I used to sit. Bodies filled the room, chatting, whispering, and pointing. To the girl who got beat up by her boyfriend. It's like they haven't seen the after effects of an abusive relationship. If I weren't strapped to all the casts, and my throat didn't have stitches. I would've got up and screamed to leave me alone, their nonsense, and chattering and whispering was driving me insane. But then, one whisper I overheard made my heart feel like it's been ripped out ant trampled on. Tears stung my eyes. He's NOT nothing.
All my life, I've had nothing, been nothing. I've been living my life in the shadows, afraid that if I step out, I would get burned by all the cold stares. Alcohol and drugs help me cope when my parents died. I was so depressed, to the point where I was cutting myself and trying to commit suicide. I was being bullied, so I ran to the abandoned shed called home. Huddled in the dark cold corner, I thought, why am I here, nobody will miss me, after all, I was just a waste of space. So I took out the blade from my pocket. The shiny silver blade reflecting the little light that shone through the cracks. As I placed it above my wrist, it felt cold and hard. Just like how I'll feel in a couple of hours of being dead. As I moved the blade across my wrist, I thought of what I've never had. Friends. People who cared for me. A car. A girlfriend. A thin line of blood followed where the blade etched into my skin. I pushed harder, wanting to see dark colored blood flowing out. As I felt life seep out of me, I never heard her.
Warmth flooded my body as I thought about the time he and I went to the beach. He was absolutely sweet, caring, and fun. Always holding the door for me, offered to pay, and always made me laugh. But it all changed. what came crashing down on us was horrifying. He started to drink, do drugs, acted differently...especially towards me. He always said he can stop anytime...but I've heard that too many times...
I hate you! Those words rang in my ear and won't stop. I wouldn't care if it came from anyone else's mouth. I wouldn't care if it came from my own father's mouth. But when it came from her. It stung so hard, I thought tears were going to flow down like a waterfall. But I knew I deserved it. For what I've done.
He treated me like and angel. Cherished, loved, and card for me. All the loving memories I've had about him has been beaten out of me. Forcing me to forget everything. When I try to think about something good about him, the other memories come crashing down. Shattering the rest into a million pieces.
I've hated myself for causing her so much pain and suffering. I don't want to keep on living, knowing that she hates me. But I deserved to be hated by her. And she deserves to hate me. I want her to live a normal life. Without me. But if I can, I would erase all the bad memories. To take away the bad thoughts. To protect her, from...me.
I love you. He'd say it over and over. Trying to convince me and making me believe it...it worked. But instead of saying it then, he would rather make me feel pain...over and over. People keep telling me to just get away from the pain. From him. I couldn't. we've been together for far too long for me to start hating him. When it got too far, I've tried to convince myself that I hated him. Hated everything that he's worth. Hated e what he did. Hated how he looked. Hated everything...even that...he tried to kill himself.
She was my everything. She inspired me to work hard. Get a job. A car. A decent place to live. And what did I do to pay her back? I gave her pain that I felt. The pain that I went through all these years. I couldn't help it. Years, I've been hiding. Hiding my feelings, my emotions, my pain. My anger. It shouldn't have happened. She didn't deserve it. Nobody did. Especially her. But it did. I was like a time bomb ready to explode once somebody pushed the wrong buttons...it just happened to be her...
Nightmares. It's all a bad nightmare and I'm going to wake up from it soon. Nothing this bad can ever happen. The pain isn't real. The abuse isn't real. The anger isn't... but what's real is him. And what we have. And the love that we have for each other. All the other stuff is just a nightmare and will disappear when I wakeup. Or if I wake up...
I feel as if my parents dying, the house being taken away, and none of my family members wanting to take me in because my parents were asses, was a sign that I'll never have anything. It felt like there was good and a bad of having a girlfriend. Like the clichÃ©. The angel and the devil. The angel telling me that she was good for me and will me save myself. The devil sating that she'll leave me because I'll turn into an alcoholic, abuser of a boyfriend. Just like my dad.
I remember my friends telling me that he was bad news and he'll treat me badly. But that wasn't true...not entirely. He was polite to my parents, brothers, and in general. My family didn't like the idea that I was with him. They always thought I liked him was because they didn't approve. Or that he was only with me for my money. That was never true. He never made me spend a single dime. From the little he had, he would always try to get me gifts so it would please me. It did. That he would try hard enough to make me happy.
every time I wake up, my heart yearns for something soft and warm to be at my side. Or someone. Knowing that the only person you want to share your life with is gone and you're the one who chased her away. Makes you feel worse. Knowing that she'll never come back. And you try so hard to bring her back using everything you know and have. And when that's not good enough, you think about giving up and wallow. But that's not me. I don't give up what I have. Or had.
I feels as if I'm drowning. every time I try to surface, something drags me back down. Not giving me a chance to breath. He caused all of this pain, these problems. But my feelings of drowning and being pulled under, that's not his fault. It's everyone around me. Saying that they want to help, but causing me more pain every time they talk about it. Once. Just once. I wish that they'd leave me alone. Giving me a chance to breath. When I see the chance, somebody comes and say 'What a horrible thing that happened' or 'You deserve better, he's better off dead'
I have to live with what happened everyday of my life. If it means that I don't have to live with the guilt. Then why bother living? There's nothing more for me. Nothing I have is precious or important...except one...
I'm so pathetic. I shouldn't be wallowing. I shouldn't be depressed. I shouldn't cry. I should be living my life. Like any other person. But it's not worth living if you don't have anyone to live it with. I can't live life without him. He's become a part of me. I love him so much, it hurts. If I can't live life without him...then why bother living...
Numb. I've felt since that day I regret so much happened. That's why I didn't feel anything as the blade went in deeper into my wrist. Drops of blood fell down. While a trail went down my arm. I start to feel dizzy. So I lean back down on the wall. Taking a deep breath, I pushed harder. And harder. Until I feel pain rush through my arm and body. Dark thick liquid comes pouring out in a rush. There's no way to stop it now. Everything I see becomes blurry. I never thought I'd end like this. With nobody caring. Nobody knowing. Nobody. I felt as if my breath was becoming more shallow. Uttering my last breath. I closed my eyes. 'Without you...'
Tears streamed down my cheeks. The day I ran after him. Trying to tell him that he dropped his stuff. Trying to tell him. I saw him run into an abandoned shed I followed. Through an opening. Then I saw him...with his wrist cut open. Dark colored blood flowing freely. I ran over and used my sweater to stop the blood. I didn't release him until we were at the hospital. And I was forced to let go...now it's come to this... Me sitting on the bathroom floor, a sharp, shiny, little blade above my wrist. As I pressed it harder against my skin. Tears were starting to blur my vision...but then, what's it going to matter? I'm not going ot see anything forever. Still, I wiped them away with the back of my hand that was holding the blade. I continued to press it against my skin. Then I made small cut, revealing a thin line of blood, still, I continued. Pushing deeper and deeper. Finally revealing the pain. I've been through worse, so this was nothing. The harder I pushed, the more blood poured out. Revealing metallic smelling liquid. As it quickly ran down my arm and to the crook, it continued to slide down to my elbow. And a drop fell down on my leg. And then another. And another. And another. And it kept continuing until my whole left leg was covered in the thick liquid that slid down my arm. As the blood kept coming. I could feel my life going. I knew every breath I took was crucial. And every drop of blood I lost was another drop towards my goal. So I let it continue, until I collapsed in the pool of blood I created. I whispered my last words. 'Without you...'