I woke in the morning knowing that I had the dreams of him. I didn't remember any, but I could tell by the way Kaoru was watching me to see if I was okay.
"Did I wake you up? I don't remember anything..." I said softly, pushing my messy hair out of my face.
"You were just crying a little... its okay. You should go take a shower quick."
I nodded and continued to the bathroom.
After a short shower, I dressed and walked out where Kaoru sat at the table, eating some toast he'd made.
He smiled up at me, "Want any?"
I took a piece and sat down, "What time does practice start?"
"About half an hour... we should probably leave, shouldn't we?"
I nodded and stood. I went to grab my bag where my change of clothes was, and Kaoru grabbed the plate to take to practice.
Sitting in the car, we were completely silent, and Kaoru was driving again. I yawned sleepily. I really didn't remember any of the dreams, but it must've been awkward for Kaoru to listen to.
I rubbed my eyes softly, hoping I could face Die today and not feel anything. I want to be over him so I would stop feeling so pathetic and hopeless like I had in the past.
Kaoru stopped at the studio and we walked in. I saw Die sitting there on the couch, tuning his guitar, a small smile on his face that never seemed to fade.
He looked up as we entered and turned to Kaoru, "What's on the plate?"
"Dango," I answered, "We made it last night. You want some?"
His eyes brightened and I took the plate, sitting on the couch beside him. He ate some and smiled widely, "That's really good. Kaoru... you can cook?"
I began laughing, "No, he spilled the flour and started pouting in the corner. But after that was cleaned up, I don't think he did too badly."
Die shrugged, "They taste good."
"Hey, Die, we're going to go to a club after practice. You wanna come?" I asked softly of him.
He nodded and smiled, "Yeah that sounds like fun. You're even going?"
Kaoru leaned against the wall, "Yeah, it was his idea. He got some really cute outfits yesterday. Anyway..., I have to go check out some music, and I think Kyo left some lyrics in my office. I'll be out in a while."
Kaoru disappeared and I turned to Die. I bit my lip slightly at the slight awkwardness.
"Hey, can I see that outfit you got?" He asked suddenly.
I nodded and pulled it out of my bag, holding it up to him.
He smiled, "That's adorable. Are you going to try to pick up some people tonight in that?"
I grinned mischievously, "We'll see what happens."
He rubbed my back softly, "Maybe you'll find someone better than me?"
My eyes widened, "Of course I couldn't ever do that!!" I nearly shouted. I covered my mouth quickly, a blush rising on my cheeks.
I saw him smile softly and he looked away. He set the plate on a nearby table. He stood up and helped me up, "You better keep that laid out so it doesn't get wrinkled."
I laid the outfit out and walked up to Die, not really knowing what to say. After a minute of us just staring at each other, I laughed.
"What's so funny?"
"I feel like I should say something... but I don't know what."
"Just say what's on your mind."
My heart raced and I looked down, "What I'm thinking... do you really want to know?"
"I love you, and I don't know if that'll ever stop because you're the greatest guy I've ever met and I really wish that you weren't with her so I could have you. But I'm going to try to move on, then maybe sometime soon we can all be truly happy and no one will worry about each other," I said very quickly. I looked up into Die's eyes to gauge his reaction.
He brought his hand up to my face and held it there for a moment. His face was still expressionless, his eyes blank.
My stomach fluttered at the feeling of his warm, callused fingers on my face. I looked down slightly, not able to see his empty eyes staring at me.
His hand dropped, and he still hadn't said anything. Without looking up, I stepped forward and hugged him tightly, my eyes burning.
"I'm sorry, Die," I said softly, "I just can't stand that you keep leaving me when I just want you here... it has to be getting annoying."
"I thought you said you were over me," He said, running a hand down my back.
"I'm trying... I can't help it. I'm sorry."
"No, don't be sorry, Shinya... it's alright, really."
I balled my fists in his shirt and buried my face in his shoulder, "God... I just feel so... pathetic or something."
He rubbed my back, "Don't, Shinya... it's alright... there's nothing wrong with it."
I laughed spitefully, "Yeah, there's nothing wrong with crying on your best friend's shoulder and telling him you love him even though he's engaged. That's not weird at all."
I let go of him and rubbed my eyes, walking away slowly, "Kaoru will probably be back soon..."
I turned around and saw Toshiya leaning against the wall, watching me. I jumped slightly and I walked over towards him, "How long have you been standing there?"
"Just after you laid your clothes over there." He pointed to the table.
I looked down, "...Sorry."
"Are you okay?" He asked softly.
I nodded, "I'm fine..., don't worry about it..."
"He's back in his office, why?"
"I just want to ask him about something," He smiled.
He was about to walk away and I called him back, "We're going to a club after practice, you coming with?"
"Yeah, that sounds like fun. Is that why you brought the really cute clothes?"
I nodded, he rushed back and hugged me softly, "I'm sure that we'll have fun. Getting out will be good for you."
"Yeah, yeah, okay, now go tell Kaoru whatever it is that you have to say."
After Toshiya left, I sat down on the opposite couch and sighed deeply. Die moved beside me.
I looked over to him and looked away quickly, "Sorry, Die. I shouldn't have said all of that..."
He hugged me with one arm, "No, you shouldn't bottle up stuff like that anyway."
"But it feels so weird... I dunno."
"It's okay... don't worry about it," He said reassuringly.
"...Alright. It's just really tough... I'll stop burdening you with it. I will move on, I promise."
"It's not a burden to me," He pulled me closer to him and kissed the top of my head.
An electric shock spread through me, and I gasped softly. I leaned into him further.
The door opened on the far side of the studio, "What're you guys doing?" I heard Kyo's usual, soft, yet slightly cynical voice.
Die let go of me and I looked up. I looked into his eyes and shook my head, "Nothing."
I stood up and stared at him for a moment before walking over towards Kyo. I smiled slightly at him and sat behind my drums. I played out a few rhythms, keeping my eyes pointed down.
Why did it have to hurt more because I told him? Shouldn't it have gotten better rather than worse? I spilled my soul to him and I felt terrible about it. It hardly seemed fair.