Written by: Bobsy ummmmmmm mikey's..........fear. i really can't say much more without giving it away.
(#) MyVengefulRomance 2007-06-28 04:07:14 PMOkay, I had to stop reading. I don't want to be mean, but you really need to work on your writing style.
First of all, there are a lot of spelling and grammar mistakes, which makes this hard to read. If you fixed /that/, it'd be way easier to read and to comprehend what's going on.
Secondly, you need to work on your flow. Your sentences are short and kind of choppy, so I'd suggest making compound sentences and such.
Thirdly, your dialogue needs some work, also. You need to remember that these characters are from New Jersey. I'm guessing, from the words you use, that you're from Europe. Now, in America, we don't normally use the word 'fags' to describe cigarettes. We use the word 'cigarette'.
Now, if you put everything I just said into play, this story has a lot of potential. You've got a good plot from what I can tell, but I'm not sure 'cause I stopped reading due to the immense mistakes.
Please don't take offense. I'm just trying to help. This is just constructive critism...
Author's responseHey. I know it's been a few years since you reviewed my story but I just want to say thanks for the review and I'm going to re-write the story when I've finnished my current one.