Categories > Movies > Newsies2 Reviews
Wondered what a Newsie would be like while the Chiquita Banana jingle came to you at two o'clock in the morning? Well, When I was talking to Sage at that time, she mentioned Jake dressed as Chiquit...
Word Count: 952
Time Period: Modern day
Song: Chiquita Banana (Lyrics by Garth Montgomery; Music by Len MacKenzie)
Notes: I am using the lyrics are from the original jingle, not the current jingle as found on chiquita.com.
Summary: Wondered what a Newsie would be like while the Chiquita Banana jingle came to you at two o'clock in the morning? Well, When I was talking to Sage at that time, she mentioned Jake dressed as Chiquita Banana for Halloween. Enough said. (If you don't know what a Brazilian Bikini Wax is, do NOT read!)
/Disclaimer: I only own the person who is telling the story. I don't own the song I used, I don't own Jake, I don't own ANYTHING but the fact that I had written the story (except the song) and the characterization of the character telling it. If you sue me, don't expect much money because I might have $10 to my name. And if you REALLY want that, feel free to just ask and I will give it to you. I used my perception of the Newsie Jake from my RPG, //Tibby's Diner/.
I'm Chiquita Banana and I've come to say,
Bananas have to ripen in a certain way.
When they are fleck'd with brown and have a golden hue,
Bananas taste the best and are the best for you.
I had my eyes closed, shirt removed, and laying comfortably on a chair that leaned way back, and felt like I was about to fall asleep from the almost soothing warmth, when I felt like a bandaid that didn't want to let go of my skin just was ripped from under my eyebrow. I nearly jumped up so high that I was like a cat about to dig its claws into the ceiling.
I braced myself because I felt another dose of the same warmth, a syrupy liquid, go on my right eyebrow. Not covering the entire eyebrow, but covering about half of it. A piece of cloth, or a strip of something/, covered the liquid for a second and /RIIIIIIIP! I screamed in pain and my dog, Roach, jumped on my crotch to investigate. I told him to get down, in a squeaky voice, and sit back in the chair he was in. And almost as an after thought, to stay there.
That same liquid covered the little bit of hair that was in the center of my chest and was ripped away, excreting yet another scream from me. I raised only my head so I could look down my body. I breathed a sigh of relief that I remembered that I didn't have any hair on my stomach. I don't think I'd be able to handle that since that's a very tender area on someone when hair is ripping from it!
You can put them in a salad.
You can put them in a pie-aye.
Anyway you like to eat them,
It's impossible to beat them.
Part of my leg was now covered with that deceiving syrupy liquid. I felt a large piece of cloth or paper or whatever it is the woman used cover the same area. I was thinking, 'This won't hurt as much. My legs are strong.' RIIIIIP! All I could remember from that rip was me confessing things I know I didn't do to this woman that was ripping my hair out of my body.
In return, she smiled and put more of the syrupy liquid on my leg and ripping yet even more hair from it. She continued ripping hair from my legs and as if God finally heard my call of asking for forgiveness for things I didn't do, the last bit of syrupy liquid was put onto my left calf. RIIIIIP! I nearly fainted from that. My poor calves went through so much torture just so I could have an awesome costume.
But bananas like the climate
of the very, very tropical equator.
So you should never put bananas
In the refrigerator.
I looked at Roach as I pulled aside half of my tighty-whiteys so the woman could began her devilish waxing. The dog was actually smiling/! Can you believe him? I feed him, walk him, buy him toys, treats, and clothes! Not to mention give him a bed and a place to live, and he's /smiling because of my torture that I submitted myself willingly to! I'd like to see him get his Chinese Crested bum in this thing and have whatever hair he does have be ripped from his smartypants self!
The warm liquid covered the right half of my he-he area and RIIIIIIIP! ...You know those horror movies where there's this really high pitched scream from some female in the movie because she scared or being...killed or something? Well, picture that but an octave...or 10...higher and you would have what my screamed sounded like after that one pull of the wax strip thing.
Once she was done with one side, she moved to the other and repeated the process with me screaming after every pull. She instructed me to turn over after the last /RIIIIIP/! and my scream had subsided. I asked her why and she told me that I could just bring my legs over my head but it would be more comfortable if I just turned over. And so...I did.
For a second, I thought my tighty-whiteys were ripped from my body and she might've tried to butt sex me. I pushed myself off my chest with my hands and told her I was married, happy, and married by an old, bloated Elvis in Vegas. She smiled and just said she had to pull my tighty-whiteys away from my bum crack...hole. I lay back down and felt the warm syrupy liquid go on my bum. Not just anywhere on my bum, but in the crack of my bumhole area.
RIIIIIIIIIIIIIP! ...Have you ever seen /Jumanji/? You know the hunter guy that hunts Alan Parrish? Well, yeah, let's just say that the part where he's in the store trying to keep the game from Alan, Judy, Peter, and Sarah is the part that I'm sure I looked and sounded like. You know, the part where he falls into the boat that was speeding towards him and the hunter pushed himself up and screamed with that weird face. Yeah, so if you can picture that, you have the mental image of me, except I look like myself with my eyebrows half gone.
But...anyway! After I got dressed and paid for the wax job, I hobbled out of the salon. I had about 4 hours left before I had to make my appearance at the costume party. There was going to be a contest and I knew I would win, since I was going as the infamous Miss Chiquita Banana!
NOTE: This is what you get for letting me talk to you until about three o'clock in the morning, Sage. A stupid song fic that I can't believe I just talked about Jake's ass crack...hole/. What's this world coming to? LOL/