this is my first fic on here, and my first ever one shot. hope you like it
As Valentine's Day would roll around every year, you would tell me the same thing.
'I hate Valentine's Day, it only ever ends in violence, depression and pregnancy.' Every year you would tell me not to buy a present, but no matter what, there was always one for you.
This is our 5th one together. The second meant more than the first, the third more than the second, and so on.
I just want to hear you say your usual line, and then hug me, reassure me it will be alright. I don't even know if I will ever hear your voice again, ever see the cheeky smile dance across your pale pink lips, ever gaze adoringly into those deep green eyes.
The day you told me, you came into the room ever so calmly and said.
'Mikey, it back, and this time, its not going...' I can still remember so vividly the look in your eyes, the look of defeat.
Feeling the prick of tears to my eyes, recalling the last battle.
It took so much out of you, watching you lose all that beautiful red tinged hair, and the only thing I concentrated on, was that you would never have to endure this again.
When it came to the week before your remission, you had the test, such cruel irony.
14 days would have made all the difference to you.
No matter what you always had a smile on your face, look, you even have one now. But slowly as this horrible cancer has taken bits of you away from me, your smile is more forced, and the sparkle isn't in your eyes as per usual.
I should never have gotten my hopes up. I shouldn't have let you go out on the hot summer's day, but you insisted, and you know I can never refuse you. You are the light of my life, without you, I don't know what I would do. I feel so guilty, this is my fault, if I had just made sure you were wearing a high factor sun scream, and that wide brimmed cowboy hat that I bought you after your hair was all gone, maybe this would never have happened.
And before, I wouldn't even let that thought even come into my head, but now... Now it's a reality. The doctors told me that you probably won't even make it out of this coma, let alone overcome the skin cancer that has spread to your brain.
As I'm sitting here, stroking the thin, layered hair on your head that has slowly grown back from 3 years ago, I'm thinking. Trying to remember every good moment we have had together, trying to burn them permanently into my instant memory.
I could never forget you, you mean too much to me.
Watching you slowly succumb to the awful war raging in your body, having to endure this torture, knowing there is nothing I could, or can do about it. This is the hardest thing I have ever had to do.
Every hug you gave me after your hospital appointments gradually got more and more painful, I could tell on your face.
More and more tears fell from your eyes, and my tears joined your, in puddle on our shoulders, from where we nuzzled into each others necks.
It got to the point where you had accepted what was going to happen, but I just couldn't take it.
I wanted it to be a dream, that anytime I would wake up, and this would fly away, and I would have your delicate fingers wrapped around my arms, pulling me tight against you.
At first you refused to tell the others, you didn't want to worry them. But soon, it wasn't hard for them to tell. I think that Frank took it the hardest out of all of them, you two are best friends. You would have your own secrets that none of us were allowed to know, and you told each other every thing.
Apart from me, Frank was the only other person who tried to come and see you every day, he would tell you jokes, try to cheer you up, take your mind off of it.
But all too soon you were starting to slip away, and Frank couldn't take it, he couldn't bear to see you like this. He has only come back twice; both times he has only managed a couple of minutes before having to leaving, tears filling his eyes.
Gee was my rock, always calling me, making sure I was ok, checking up on you. My big brother, always there for anyone who needs him.
He was the one who talked to the record company, asked for me to get some time off to be with you when you were admitted to the hospital; he knew exactly what to do.
I remember you packing knowing it would be the last time you would close the door to our flat, the last time you would hold our kitten, Jesus.
You were the one who named her; you always thought that Jesus (Christ) looked like a girl...
Jesus has been mewing for you, she misses you so much. And she isn't the only one.
That day when I left you just to get a coffee, I came back, and you were surrounded by nurses, slipped into a coma. I will never forgive myself for that.
The steady beep of your heart monitor is the sound that sends me to sleep at night, and I worry that one day I will go to sleep, and you will be gone. That seriously scares me.
But I have learnt to fall asleep holding your hand so as the heat from your body tells me you are there.
The past 2 weeks have been a blur to me. Sitting here by your bed, I can't tell the difference between night and day anymore.
I like to talk to you, see if you can hear me, but I get no reply. The only people I ever talk to now are you, Gee and the gang, and the nurses and doctors.
Gee told me yesterday that if I ever needed to talk to him I could. I think he knows that something is coming.
God, Rachel, I frigging love you. You never ever complained, not once. You never hid away from the rest of the world. You were so strong.
I can hear the heart monitor slowing now, I guess it's time to stay goodbye. But I can't. Please, Rachel, don't leave me. I could never love someone like I loved you, the way I still love you.
The heart monitor is done to a steady, slow beat, every little 'eeeeep' breaking my heart into smaller pieces.
Rachel, if I could make you stay I would, but if you are out of pain then I'm happy. Just, please, never forget that I love you.
Every Valentine's Day, I will go to see you, and place a black rose on your grave.
I will remember you every day of my life. I promise.
I love you Rachel Staple.