I think I'm happy...
"Yes you do", I applied eyeliner on my right eye, "We never do shit like this. We never did".
"What shit?", Gerard frowned and started to tie up his shoe.
"Dating", I put the eyeliner on my left eye after I finished with my right, "We're like a fucking old married couple. We never even go to see a movie. Mikey has more life that us".
"We almost were a married couple", Gerard tied his shoe a little more passionately than usual, "If Mikey hadn't opened his fucking big mouth".
"You know it's not Mikey's fault", I looked at his reflection in the mirror.
"I know", he made a face, "But sometimes I wish he wouldn't have said anything".
"You regret us not going through with this?", I smiled at him.
"I do", he nodded and walked over to me minus his left shoe, "But I guess I have to figure out what I do with my life before I drag you into this mess".
"Do you actually realize I'm with you in this mess?", I spun around to face him.
He just caressed my cheek, "I wish I was different".
"Gerard, you're perfect", I laid my hand on top of his.
"I'm weak", he sighed, "A weak little man".
I made a face, "I'm going to kick your fucking ass if you keep saying that. You're great, we all have our flaws".
"Even you?", he teased me and smiled his devilish smile. God I loved that smile.
"Well, not many", I laughed, "But even I have them. I'm sure you noticed a few".
"I did actually", he sat on my lap and put his arm around my shoulder, "For example you don't put an even amount of eyeliner on both eyes, one eye kinda have a lot of eyeliner and the other's not, like you gave up in the middle or when you lie, your eyes turn darker which makes you a shitty liar or at night you toss and turn a lot and won't let me sleep and you're the worst cooker ever and you always play with your ring when you're nervous and it's kinda annoying or when I upset you, you won't say nothing but you ignore me and glare at me and...", I cut him off, "Well, you see like I said, just a couple".
He laughed, "And I love you".
"Is that a flaw too?", I rested my head on his chest.
"It is, it makes your life harder than it should be", he sighed, kissing the top of my head.
"You are so full of it", I rolled my eyes, "I'm not easy either. I gave you shit when I used to cut and drink and go to parties and come back completly out of it and you never complained that I make you miserable, all you ever cared about is that I hurt myself. I remember that time when I lost a bet to some guy when he dared me to a swimming race in a pool of beer and I lost and had to drink the pool with a straw, remember that?".
"Yeah", Gerard smiled faintly, "And I kept preaching you about how you could've drown because you fucking can't swim and you just sat there, sucking on your sleeve and when I asked you what you're doing, you just said with the sweetest face expression that you're drinking", he smiled, "Your sleeve was soaked with beer".
"You never ever made me feel like a burden Gee", I closed my eyes, and my mother's image floated in front of me, she always made me feel like a burden, "Not ever, not when I cried to you about my grades and not when I cried about my mother, no matter what I did you always tried to make things better. To make me feel better. I feel blessed. And don't you dare even for a second to think you're not special".
"Can I purpose now?", he smirked.
I slapped his arm.
"But you said you feel blessed to have me", he laughed, "I was feeling important and shit".
I shook my head, since we broke off that damn engagement, the subject kept coming back, lurking in every corner.
I wish it wouldn't cause it was painful, I just wanted to forget and go back to life before that second, a life where I didn't know I could be married to the guy I loved.
"You're so wrong about the eyeliner!", I pouted, trying to shift his focus.
"Let me try something", he took the eyeliner from the dresser and forced my head back.
Eventually we managed to get out of the house after a lot of moaning and groaning and promises he won't poke my eyes out even though he did poke me a few times.
We were walking through one of the unusually empty streetof New York, swaying our hands as we went, I felt really happy, that's how it supposed to be not me holding his hair while he's throwing up in the toilette.
"Mikey told me you've got a really nice offer from a record company", I smiled at him.
"We've got a few", he sighed heavily.
"What's with the sigh?", I wrinkled my eyebrows.
"I don't know, I'm not sure if I wanna do it, you know?", he scratched his head, "Should I play it safe and go back to school or should I go with whatever this takes me. I don't want to be an old dude in my 50's still thinking he can rock the stage, what do ya think?".
"You know that's exactly what you said about art", I giggled, "That you don't want to be old fat bald dude still drawing. I think that's really what you're afraid of, being an old dude stuck with his decision for the rest of his life".
He nodded looking into space, "That makes sense".
"I'm smart like that", I smirked, "But seriously, you should really listen to your heart and figure out what's right cause as long as your being true to yourself and following what you like to do, it can never be a wrong decision not even when you're an old dude in you 50's".
He nodded and spaced out, I could tell by the look in his eyes, he was thinking about something so I kept quiet and just walked by his side.
"You know what I'll never regret?", he snapped out of his trance, "Having you with me".
I laughed, "You gotta stop hunting me with the marriage shit, let it go. we could'va, should'va, would'va but we didn't, we'll do it sometime".
"You're mean", he pouted.
"Gee", I sighed, "You gotta stop throwing it my face".
"I think of you as my wife", he looked at me, "I do. It's like someone asked me in a interview do you have a girlfriend and I almost said no I have a wife".
"You see!", I cried, "No paper would ever change that. We're married at heart and it's more than most people can say".
"Well, at least I managed to squeeze in the dog tags while I had the chance", he shrugged.
"I think we're here. At least that's the address Billy gave me, I can't wait to see Lynn"