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Categories > Celebrities > Gackt > Secrets Of The Full Moon

Secrets Of The Full Moon

Young Amira didn't have the life a normal 17 year old girl had.Being the smartest of her class had many negative consequences,and neither her family nor her mother were there to support her.Only...

Category: Gackt - Rating: G - Genres: Romance - Characters:  - Published: 2007/07/16 - Updated: 2007/07/16 - 2322 words

Reviews

• Secrets Of The Full Moon

  (#) elusivemuse 2011-02-25 02:00:46 AM

  There are a few gramatical things wrong with your story at the moment...you use "she" at the start of most of your sentences. This is classed as listing, not telling the story. For your story to flow, you need to start your sentences with different words. For example: "With a quiet whisper, she walked over to the cupboard and took out a glass. Swallowing thickly, she looked around for a tap. She walked over towards the sink and filled her cup." granted these few sentences are stilted, but they currently have a bit more flow than what you have in your story.
  Next, we're going to move onto your descriptions. You described your character twice in as many paragraphs...and you listed as well, not described. try something similar to this: "Stretching, she highlighted that she was still small compared to everyone else, reaching only to the average shoulder...blinking her cool green eyes, she hid her expression from him...yawning, she pushed her long brown hair off her neck..." etc...Otherwise, you do have a good start to your story

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