Categories > Books > Harry Potter > Deathly Unlikely

Chapter Six

by blood-fangs-of-doom 3 Reviews

How Sirius was accused of bewitching the Potters' car. Sertis and Valkyrie go to their first Defense Against the Dark Arts class to find a strange teacher waiting for them.

Category: Harry Potter - Rating: PG-13 - Genres: Action/Adventure, Fantasy, Humor - Characters: Harry, Hermione, James, Lily, Lupin, Ron, Seamus Finnigan, Sirius, Voldemort - Warnings: [!!] [?] - Published: 2005/12/14 - Updated: 2005/12/15 - 2856 words


  • Deathly Unlikely

    (#) hitmansam 2006-04-05 12:55:02 PM

    I think It's pretty harsh that none have taken the time to review your story, so I give it a go.
    In the last chapter you had the Harry character name all the unforgivabls and then you had the rest of the class do the same, people still got points for just repeating what Harry had said, jesus christ all they had to do was listen!!!
    Anyway I think you are a reasonable writer who could with more time and experiance become really good, just keep at it and never give up.
    Tour story is interesting but the chjapters need to be slightly longer, i know from stpries posted by myself ages ago that people get pissed when chapters are a lot under 4000 words, tht's what i aim for every time.
    Any love interests for Harry?
    Could a love interest perhaps help break the memory chrm cast by Voldemort.
    You also need to be a little bit more specific on how much he actually knows.
    bring more Ron an Hermione and you could have him stealing the stone on voldemorts orders.
    keep it up
  • Deathly Unlikely

    (#) Huntresss 2007-05-26 01:02:50 AM

    You were doing Ok at putting together a somewhat believable semi original story up until these last two chapters...

    That DADA lesson was over the top... aren't they suppose to be 1ST years??? they wouldn't have known anything about Forgivables or Unforgiveables at this point without exposure to them. To threaten them??? WAY over the TOP..

    To many original characters... with changing Harry's name and personality you've essentially rewritten him as an original character and same with the introduction of his partner in crime this Valkarie..

    BUILD the story and on the characters you have... put a plot together give us scenes, dialog and background...

    The lesson was good in that you had interaction between teachers and students... just the spells were too high of a level for where you started the story.

    Keep Writing...

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