FicWad

Week 32

Steve was walking to his apartment, dealing with an irate person on his mobile.
“Yes, I know you’re not my fucking secretary Natasha. We’re at the same job level, I know. I promise, I won’t let Gia ever treat you like one again,” Steve began, and winced as he continued to get a tirade abuse, “Okay, you know what Nat? I’m hanging up, okay. I’m going, going, and I’m gone.”
He cancelled the call, walking up to his front door. He unlocked the door and walked in.
“Hey Tristan, you around? Had one hell of a day, and I’d be pleased if I hadn’t found out you ate my dinner tonight?” Steve called out to his flatmate before switching on the lights. He instantly jumped back as he saw the two people waiting for him.
“Tristan isn’t here,” Kelly and Nick said in unison, purposely intending to be spooky.
“How the hell did you guys get in here?” Steve asked, pushing past them, “This place has tight security and everything.”
“You gave me a copy of your keys for safe keeping,” Nick explained as he and Kelly followed him into the kitchen.
“No I didn’t. That was you. You gave me a copy of your keys. Not the other way around. Because, you know, I have a flatmate who’ll look after me if I’m locked out,” Steve said, looking in the fridge.
“Yeah, well, you never offered, but I presumed you were being shy. So, when you slept on my couch that one time, I got your keys copied. I mean, who would you really trust to let you in if you were locked out-me or Tristan the manic masturbator?” Nick explained, “By the way, your fridge is disgusting. Nothing but microwave meals, and yet things still seem to be growing in it.”
Steve removed himself from the fridge, pointing at Nick with one hand while clutching a Lean Cuisine with the other.
“You, my friend and apparent burglar are too neat to not be gay. Anyway, what the fuck are you guys doing here?”
“We’re worried about you,” Kelly said.
Steve laughed, “You two? Worried about me? You two are incapable of feelings.”
“Not so. I mean, your moping is really making me angry,” Kelly said, “Which makes me regret ever calling you my friend.”
Nick smiled at that, “But seriously, cheer the fuck up. And stop terrorising poor old Gia.”
“I love her,” Steve shouted, “I know how hard it is for you to understand, Nick, being incapable-“
“You know that’s not true,” Nick started.
“Being currently incapable of love, but I’ve never wanted to be with someone as much as I do her. I mean, with most of the girls I know, I’m kinda happy when I’m gone. Unless they’re naked of course.”
“Of course,” echoed Nick, beside a gradually appalled Kelly.
“But Gia, I’m glad when she’s around. Even if she’s pissed at me, I’m happy to see her. Even if she’s not talking to me, I’m happy to see her. Even if she’s clothed I’m happy to see her. No other woman comes even close.”
Kelly cleared her throat. Loudly. When this failed to produce a reaction from either males she shouted, “I’m still here, you guys.”
“Yeah, so what?” Steve asked, confused.
“And I’m a woman,” Kelly said.
“Not any more,” Steve said.
“At one of our movie nights, we decided to reclassify you as a guy,” Nick explained.
Kelly pointed to Nick, “You think I’m a whore though,” then pointed to Steve, “And you know I like guys.”
“Well, a butch homosexual man-slut male, then, but a guy none the less.”
Kelly groaned, “Is this really how you guys talk when I’m not around?”
“Pretty much,” Steve said, eager to turn the conversation away from him, “But usually there’s porn and corn chips involved.”
“I don’t think you’d like to be involved in the former, and if Steve has any of the latter lying around, by the state of the kitchen, I’m fairly certain new life would have developed on it,” Nick told Kelly, then turned back to Steve, saying with a grin, “But I digress. You and Gia. Not going to happen. So, how many kicks to the crotch will be needed before Kelly convinces you otherwise. I think six.”
“I don’t know, Nick,” Kelly smiled, “I could probably bring him down in two.”
“For fuck’s sake!” Steve screamed, but covering his genitals just in case, “Could you two take it seriously? I’m telling you I’m in love with someone, and all you do is crack jokes and threaten violence. If you want me to stop chasing after Gia, you’re gonna need something better than that.”
Kelly and Nick let out a mutual grown. “All right. Let’s be reasonable then,” Kelly said, “You do realise that Gia hates you right now, and thinks this is all a scheme to further screw up her relationship with Mark?”
“Yep, I do.”
“And we’re kinda convince it’s a case of immature psychology,” Nick explained, “You don’t want it until someone else has it, then suddenly it’s your heart’s desire.”
“I got that impression.”
“Well…we’re prepared to make a deal,” Kelly said, “Nick and I get Gia to have a lunch with you, and get all these details out in the open. But then, that’s it. If Gia wants to call you a friend after that, then she will. But, if Gia still thinks you’re a fucktard after that, then fucktard you shall remain forevermore. Now, do we have a deal, or shall I commence beating?”
“Deal,” Steve said, “And thanks, guys, for actually helping out. It means a lot.”
“Not a problem,” Nick answered, then suddenly grabbed Steve in a huge bear hug, “It’s what friends are for, after all.”
Steve was panicked, but his face was obscured to Kelly, and the world at large, by Nick’s shoulder. He did manage to make some words out, “Why are you hugging me?”
Nick let go, and with a caring smile on his face said, “To show how much I do care, Steve, and how important to me you really are.”
Steve backed away carefully, “That is without doubt the most frightening fucking thing I’ve seen ever. Perhaps you should leave.”
“Well, there’s gratitude for you,” Kelly said, linking arms with Nick to guide him towards the front door, “I think we better leave, Nick, don’t you?”
“No, don’t get me wrong. I’m grateful and all. But, still scary, so, please get the fuck out of my flat, and I’ll see you soon,” Steve said, guiding, possibly pushing the two guests, outside his flat.