Categories > Books > Harry Potter > Harry Potter and the Abridged Hallows
Chapter 1: Voldy's Got a Brand New Plot
3 reviewsVoldemort sits at Malfoy Manor, plotting. Hilliarity ensues.
1Funny
Chapter 1: Voldy’s Got a Brand New Plot
GENERIC DEATH EATER #1- Hello, Snape.
SNAPE- Hello Generic Death Eater #1.
GENERIC DEATH EATER #1- What the hell are you talking about…WHAT THE HELL!?!?
SNAPE- What is the matter?
GENERIC DEATH EATER #1- I have a name!
SNAPE-…which is.
GENERIC DEATH EATER #1- Yaxley.
SNAPE- How come I’ve never heard of you before?
GENERIC DEATH EATER #1- I dunno…I mean I’ve done stuff…
SNAPE- Like?
GENERIC DEATH EATER #1- Well…I may have been there when Dumbledore died if you want to consider me the “brutal faced” Death Eater.
SNAPE-…So you never appeared in the series by name until now?
GENRIC DEATH EATER #1- I could have been in an angry mob dammit!
SNAPE- You barely even classify as a minor character.
GENERIC DEATH EATER #1- Shut up! My mom says I’m a minor character.
SNAPE- …I’m just going to leave now.
GENERIC DEATH EATER #1- Fine! Go! And hey, writer, I deserve a name! I refuse to be called Generic Death Eater #1.
*
WRITER- Fine! Have it your way. There! You’re not Generic Death Eater #1 anymore.
*
BITCH- Thank you…WHAT THE F**k!
*
VOLDEMORT- Ah yes, Snape and Bitch…sit there next to Dolohov.
BITCH- Why does he get a name?
VOLDEMORT- Because it’s fun to torture you. And I’m evil so I like torture.
BITCH- You’re mean!
VOLDEMORT- Exactly. So Snape, when will Potter be moved?
SNAPE- On Saturday.
BITCH- That is a lie! Dawlish said next Friday.
SNAPE- That’s because Dawlish is an idiot.
BITCH- But he was so sure.
SNAPE- Of course he’s sure, he’s an idiot.
BITCH- My Lord, you cannot take his word, he’s working with the Order!
VOLDEMORT- We will attack on the date Snape gave us.
BITCH- Why???
VOLDEMORT- Because I trust Snape…and also Dawlish’s date and time is during the premier of High School Musical 2…and Zac Efron is dreamy.
BITCH- But he is clearly working for the Order!
VOLDEMORT- Are you a fool? Do you not know that I am a wizard so powerful that I can read his mind?
BITCH- Then what is he thinking?
*
LEGILIMENCY- Use!
OCCLUMENCY- Use!
*
SNAPE’S MIND- IT’S PEANUT-BUTTER JELLY TIME! IT’S PEANUT-BUTTER JELLY TIME! IT’S PEANUT-BUTTER JELLY TIME!
*
VOLDEMORT- He’s ok. LUCIUS!
LUCIUS- Yes my Lord?
VOLDEMORT- I need to borrow you wand so I can establish a plot point later.
LUCIUS- Why can’t you just use your own wand?
VOLDEMORT- Because as you may or may not have noticed, Potter is still alive! If I could kill him with my wand, believe me, he would be dead and I’d be sitting on a beach with a margarita by now!
LUCIUS-…So…so I like…get your wand now?
VOLDEMORT- HA! Please! The only reason I haven’t killed you is because you let us use your home as headquarters.
LUCIUS- No I didn’t! You just came in and you wouldn’t leave! I mean seriously, you come in, bring a gigantic snake, eat my food, drink my booze, you are the worst houseguest ever! It’s like the movie You, Me, and Dupree except I can’t leave halfway through the movie!
BELLATRIX- Don’t listen to him, it’s an honor to have you in my families home, He-Who-Must-Be-Sexy.
VOLDEMORT- You know that you are coming on WAY too strong…just letting you know. But I have more important matters to attend to. I believe you know Charity Burbage; a teacher at Hogwarts who no one knew existed until now as she had and will have exactly no relevance in the series.
SNAPE- My Lord, what you just said really makes no sense whatsoever.
VOLDEMORT- Who cares, lets just kill her. AVADA KEDAVRA!
*
DING-DING!!!
RANDOM DEATH COUNTER- One!
*
TO BE CONTINUED
GENERIC DEATH EATER #1- Hello, Snape.
SNAPE- Hello Generic Death Eater #1.
GENERIC DEATH EATER #1- What the hell are you talking about…WHAT THE HELL!?!?
SNAPE- What is the matter?
GENERIC DEATH EATER #1- I have a name!
SNAPE-…which is.
GENERIC DEATH EATER #1- Yaxley.
SNAPE- How come I’ve never heard of you before?
GENERIC DEATH EATER #1- I dunno…I mean I’ve done stuff…
SNAPE- Like?
GENERIC DEATH EATER #1- Well…I may have been there when Dumbledore died if you want to consider me the “brutal faced” Death Eater.
SNAPE-…So you never appeared in the series by name until now?
GENRIC DEATH EATER #1- I could have been in an angry mob dammit!
SNAPE- You barely even classify as a minor character.
GENERIC DEATH EATER #1- Shut up! My mom says I’m a minor character.
SNAPE- …I’m just going to leave now.
GENERIC DEATH EATER #1- Fine! Go! And hey, writer, I deserve a name! I refuse to be called Generic Death Eater #1.
*
WRITER- Fine! Have it your way. There! You’re not Generic Death Eater #1 anymore.
*
BITCH- Thank you…WHAT THE F**k!
*
VOLDEMORT- Ah yes, Snape and Bitch…sit there next to Dolohov.
BITCH- Why does he get a name?
VOLDEMORT- Because it’s fun to torture you. And I’m evil so I like torture.
BITCH- You’re mean!
VOLDEMORT- Exactly. So Snape, when will Potter be moved?
SNAPE- On Saturday.
BITCH- That is a lie! Dawlish said next Friday.
SNAPE- That’s because Dawlish is an idiot.
BITCH- But he was so sure.
SNAPE- Of course he’s sure, he’s an idiot.
BITCH- My Lord, you cannot take his word, he’s working with the Order!
VOLDEMORT- We will attack on the date Snape gave us.
BITCH- Why???
VOLDEMORT- Because I trust Snape…and also Dawlish’s date and time is during the premier of High School Musical 2…and Zac Efron is dreamy.
BITCH- But he is clearly working for the Order!
VOLDEMORT- Are you a fool? Do you not know that I am a wizard so powerful that I can read his mind?
BITCH- Then what is he thinking?
*
LEGILIMENCY- Use!
OCCLUMENCY- Use!
*
SNAPE’S MIND- IT’S PEANUT-BUTTER JELLY TIME! IT’S PEANUT-BUTTER JELLY TIME! IT’S PEANUT-BUTTER JELLY TIME!
*
VOLDEMORT- He’s ok. LUCIUS!
LUCIUS- Yes my Lord?
VOLDEMORT- I need to borrow you wand so I can establish a plot point later.
LUCIUS- Why can’t you just use your own wand?
VOLDEMORT- Because as you may or may not have noticed, Potter is still alive! If I could kill him with my wand, believe me, he would be dead and I’d be sitting on a beach with a margarita by now!
LUCIUS-…So…so I like…get your wand now?
VOLDEMORT- HA! Please! The only reason I haven’t killed you is because you let us use your home as headquarters.
LUCIUS- No I didn’t! You just came in and you wouldn’t leave! I mean seriously, you come in, bring a gigantic snake, eat my food, drink my booze, you are the worst houseguest ever! It’s like the movie You, Me, and Dupree except I can’t leave halfway through the movie!
BELLATRIX- Don’t listen to him, it’s an honor to have you in my families home, He-Who-Must-Be-Sexy.
VOLDEMORT- You know that you are coming on WAY too strong…just letting you know. But I have more important matters to attend to. I believe you know Charity Burbage; a teacher at Hogwarts who no one knew existed until now as she had and will have exactly no relevance in the series.
SNAPE- My Lord, what you just said really makes no sense whatsoever.
VOLDEMORT- Who cares, lets just kill her. AVADA KEDAVRA!
*
DING-DING!!!
RANDOM DEATH COUNTER- One!
*
TO BE CONTINUED
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