Categories > Games > Tekken0 Reviews
Bryan has been sent by Dr. Abel to locate Yoshimitsu, so he sets out on an adventure, encountering various Tekken characters. Read & Review. Or at least just review. I don't care if you read it.
I don't own Namco or Tekken. Just Atari. Worst investment of five dollars ever.
After Kazuya won the last King of Iron Fist Tournament and once again became head of the Mishima Zaibatsu, he fired Abel, who returned to his lab with Bryan and his other creations. Bryan was content, since he never had to win the tournament in order to get Abel back, and under the doctor's care, he was able to maintain a stable condition. Abel, however, still wanted to capture Dr. Boskonovitch, so he ordered Bryan to seek out Yoshimitsu, who had close ties to the doctor. Bryan really didn't care, since he had nothing else to do, being an undead ex-cop with a suspected past in drug deals, and so he set out on his adventure.
"Hey, maybe if I just walk down this street, I'll eventually come upon Yoshimitsu, as well as several other characters who I'll interact with on the way, resulting in a variety of zany and comical situations," Bryan said to himself, noting that he was in a poorly written fanfic.
And so he began, going down the street merrily, or at least as merrily as an undead ex-cop with a suspected past in drug deals could be, until he came to a gas station, where a biker with an unusual hairstyle was sniffing the fumes from one of the gas tanks.
"Man, I love the smell of gasoline!" said Paul, speaking to no one in particular, until he saw Bryan, who simply ignored him and continued on his way.
"Hey, you got a problem with me or something?" said Paul angrily.
"You think you're too good to come up to me and ask me why I'm sniffing gasoline?"
"I don't care," replied Bryan in an annoyed tone.
"Well I like the smell of this stuff!" shouted Paul, "I don't know why, but I do! You got a problem with that?"
"Leave me alone," said Bryan, as he walked past Paul.
"You wanna fight or something?" said Paul angrily.
"...oh. Okay. So where are you going?"
"I'm going to find Yoshimitsu," replied Bryan.
"Well...can I come?" Paul asked, having nothing better to do.
"Whatever. Just stay away from me."
And so Bryan, now accompanied by Paul, proceeded with his search, until he met Lee Chaolan, who appeared to be waiting for someone.
"Hey guys, where are you going?" asked Lee.
"Why the hell do we have to explain ourselves, are you looking for a fight or something?" Paul said threateningly.
"We're looking for Yoshimitsu," Bryan said.
"I'm waiting for Nina right now." Lee explained.
"Aren't you going out with Anna?" Bryan asked.
"Yeah, I've got a date with her tomorrow night," replied Lee, adjusting his suit.
"Don't you think they're going to find out that you're going out with both of them eventually?"
"Oh, they know. In fact, this weekend the three of us are getting together..." Lee trailed off, deciding to end the subject.
"Well, I can't stand around here forever, plus I hate you, as well as everyone else I know, so I'd better be on my way." Bryan said as he bid farewell to Lee.
"Hah, I could take that guy!" Paul bragged as he followed Bryan.
And so they went on, but within a few minutes, they were interrupted once more, this time by Bryan's rival and hated enemy Lei Wulong.
"Hold it right there!" shouted Lei, aiming his gun at Bryan.
"That's not going to work on me, you tried that before, remember?" said Bryan.
Lei began to walk away, before turning around to face Bryan once more.
"But I'll be back! And with something worse! Just you wait!" Lei said menacingly.
Bryan ignored this comment, and began his adventure once again.
"He just ran away because he saw I was here!" Paul pointed out.
Soon, Bryan and Paul came across a Jack-2, which was standing alone in the street for no apparant reason.
"Hey, there's something I've always been wanting to know," said Bryan to the Jack-2. "If you're Jack-2, then who's Jack-1?"
Realizing that there was another Jack model before it, family which it would never know, the Jack-2 was overcome with emotion, something that it was never programmed for, and it blew up.
"...I didn't really care anyway." Bryan said, and he proceeded along the street.
Paul, standing alone next to the remains of the Jack model, looked around to see if anyone was watching, then kicked the robot.
"Yeah, how do you like that, you wimp?"
Soon, Bryan and Paul reached Baek's dojo.
"Hey guys." Baek said to the two.
"What's that supposed to mean, 'hey guys'? If you've got something to say, say it to my face!" said Paul.
"Doesn't look like you have a lot of students," Bryan said, noting the vacant dojo.
"Well, Hwoarang left now that he joined the Korean military." Baek replied in a depressed tone.
"...isn't that because you're supposed to be dead?" asked Bryan.
"Screw plot continuity," Baek said, "when a story sucks, it should be contradicted."
"Well, at least you still have that guy around," Bryan noted, pointing to the lone man who was sweeping Baek's dojo.
"Honestly, I have no idea who that guy is, I don't even pay him," Baek said. "He's been doing that for years now, since the time we held that tag tournament, always sweeping. I've never even seen him eat or sleep."
"But do you know what really pisses me off?" Baek said as Bryan and Paul were about to leave. "It's that everyone uses my dojo for those stupid little embu scenes"
"You mean the ones they have in Tekken 3 and Tag when you don't press anything at the title screen, the scenes where they show various characters training and sparring?" asked Bryan.
"Exactly." Baek replied. "Why did they use my dojo to film those? Why not Law's dojo? I swear to god, if I ever see them filming one of those things here again, I'm going to..."
Baek stopped talking when he noticed Jin and a film crew that was recording him training (probably for Tekken 5).
"That son of a..."
Baek came running over to the film crew, holding a shotgun.
"All of you, get the hell off of my property!" Baek shouted.
"Screw this! That guy's crazy!" said Jin, who ran off as fast he could, followed closely by Baek.
Paul, meanwhile, was in the process of beating up a camera man who was 'looking at him funny'.
Wishing not to waste any more time with stupid little encounters like this, Bryan proceeded on his way, followed closely by Phoenix.
As they walked onward, Bryan and Paul were suddenly interrupted by Lei once more.
"Take this, you undead son of a bitch!" Lei shouted, throwing a grenade right at Fury.
Still, like the gun, the grenade proved ineffective.
"Damn it, Wulong, I got hit by a tank once, do you think a grenade will stop me?" Bryan said.
Lei stood there for a moment, before walking off angrily.
Before long, Bryan and Paul saw Unknown alone on the side of the street, and were surprised to see her without a giant wolf hovering over her back.
"I'm free!" Unknown shouted with excitement. "Finally, I've rid myself of this spirit, and I can now reveal my true identity to the world!"
All 2 Tekken fans that are bothering to read this story are in shock, and listen intently to what Unknown is about to say
"The truth is," Unknown stated, "I am the last person anyone would have expected. I'm really-
"Don't care," said Bryan, who was growing sick of his constant interruptions.
And so they searched further for Yoshimitsu, but instead of the leader of the Manji Clan, they found Heihachi Mishima, owner of the Mishima Corporation.
"Wait a second," said Bryan, "I thought Kazuya was the head of the Zaibatsu now."
"He was," Heihachi explained, "but then I defeated him and threw him off a building. But then Kazuya came back and defeated me, then threw me into the Atlantic Ocean. But I came back and defeated him, then threw him off the roof of my house. But Kazuya came back, and he defeated me, then threw me out of a tree. But, I was able to return and I defeated Kazuya, throwing him out of a window located on the second floor of my office. So now I'm looking for him, since he has somehow managed to return, and I intend to destroy him with my Tekken Force soldiers"
"I'm usually the type of guy who prefers settling things with violence," Bryan said, but this little fight you two are having is even starting to annoy me. Why are you so intent on killing him anyway?"
"Because..." Heihachi began, "when he was young, I tried to raise my son to be a strong boy. You know, the usual stuff most fathers would do with their kids. Leaving them out in the woods for a week to hunt for themselves, making them sleep outside, and throwing them off the occasional cliff. But one day, I threw him off a cliff which had nuclear waste that had been dumped at the bottom. It changed Kazuya, giving him incredible power and the ability to change into an unstoppable beast. Since that day, I have dedicated my life to stopping him and ridding the world of this dangerous threat!"
"If I had known that would be such a long story, I would've left by now, Bryan said, and continued down the street."
"Hi," Anna said, noticing Heihachi's pimp coat, " I didn't know you were in that business too."
"What business?" Heihachi asked.
Soon, Bryan and Paul met Tiger, who was performing an exhibition in front of a crowd...well, not really a crowd, just Eddy, who felt obligated to watch due to their similar style. And after being seen with him in his Tekken Tag Tournament ending.
"Yo, mo'fo, wazzup?" Tiger said.
"How you hangin', dog?"
Bryan stared at Tiger for a moment.
"What the hell are you on, you pothead?"
"You want me to kick his ass?" Paul asked.
"Listen my fly bro," Tiger said, "I been needin' a posse on account dat these foo's jus' won' hang wit it, ya dig?"
At this point, Bryan turned around and kept walking, ignoring the disco reject who was now stalking him.
Bryan, however, failed to notice the approaching car from behind, and finally became aware of it's presance after being run down by it.
"Hah! Take that!" Lei shouted in triumph.
Bryan, after regaining his composure, got up and began dusting off his pants.
"Damn it!" Lei shouted in anger, and drove off.
"That guy is really getting on my nerves," Bryan said to himself.
It wasn't long before they found Kazuya, lurking in the darkness.
"Are you hiding from Heihachi?" Bryan asked.
"No, from Jun, she wants me to pay child support for some kid I had with her."
"You don' need ta be fillin' me in on this crazy gig, man, my own ho been majorly dissin' me with talk 'bout bein' a father, I mean, man, I been wit lots a ladies, you think I gonna raise every foo' dat pops out o' them?" said Tiger, who was completely ignored (which was probably for the best).
"I found you, Kazuya!"
In a few seconds, what had once been an empty street was soon surrounded by an army of Tekken Force soldiers.
"Ha ha ha!" Heihachi laughed, "this time, I'm gonna throw you off a big cliff, a cliff with a cliff in it! Yeah, one with a volcano at the bottom too!"
Heihachi continued to laugh at Kazuya in his doomed situation, seeing no way that he could get out.
"Don't make me angry," Kazuya said, his eye beginning to turn red, "you wouldn't like me angry!"
To everyone's surprise (even Heihachi, who knew he could transform, but had a bad memory) Kazuya changed into the Incredible Devil.
"DEVIL SMASH!" said Devil, who proceeded to smash things.
Bryan knew that he had nothing to do with this, so he continued on his way. Paul, however, began to chase after Devil Kazuya, who had flown off after demolishing the Tekken Force.
"You still owe me a fight, Kazuya, you damn wuss!"
Having lost sight of him, Paul mournfully gave up and ran to catch up with Bryan and Tiger.
The trio then saw Craig and King, who had apparantly forgiven the Vale Tudo fighter and started a friendship with him. The two were in a phone booth, making anonymous calls to other Tekken fighters.
"Hi, is your water running?" King asked.
"Actually," Wang replied, "I've been having some problems lately and I was about to call a plu-
"Then you'd better catch it!" King said before hanging up.
After laughing for a few minutes, Craig took the phone.
"Hello?" answered Julia on the other line.
"....uhhh...take your shirt off!" Craig said, then hung up.
"Heh, that kicked ass!" King said.
Bryan, not being a fan of practical jokes, decided to avoid the two and kept walking down the street.
"Man, dis is gettin' to be one funky story!" Tiger exclaimed.
"Did someone say it's time to turn up the funk?" said Doctor Boskonovitch, who appeared out of nowhere and began to dance the monkey to disco music that seemed to be coming from nowhere.
Bryan and Paul left Tiger, who had joined the doctor in his super funky Tekken dance beat.
Bryan and Paul walked on further, but unknown to them, a nuclear bomb was falling from above.
After the nuclear explosion that generally followed, Bryan continued down the street (or at least the remains of it), curious of what just happened, but not really caring enough to stand around and wonder about it. Paul, however, had managed to survive as well due to the wonders of his invincible hair (the bomb landed on his head).
"Damn you, Fury! I'll get you yet!" shouted Lei.
"Thank goodness the three of us survived," said a man who had apparantly been able to live through the explosion.
"What the hell is that supposed to mean?" Paul asked. "You looking for a fight?"
After beating the man to death ("he asked for it with that smart-ass remark," Paul said) he followed Bryan down the street.
"It's amazing that there are still people who think they can take me after I won the third King of Iron Fist Tournament," Paul said.
"I won the third King of Iron Fist Tournament," Jin said, appearing out of nowhere.
"The hell you did!" yelled Paul, "I beat Ogre!"
"I beat his real form!" Jin replied.
"True Ogre was a wimp, everyone knows that Ogre kicked ass in that game!"
"The hell he did!"
"Yeah, well I got proof right here," Paul said, pulling out a Tekken 3 strategy guide he had. "See, right here it has a graph of all the Tekken characters, and it says that Ogre is a top tier character! But look at True Ogre! He's at the bottom with Gun-Jack and Kuma!"
"I don't care what a crappy strategy guide says, he could breathe fire!" Jin argued.
"Fire, my ass! I'm not afraid of some stupid fire!"
Bryan, however, had left a while ago, leaving the two to their dispute.
"I wonder how long I've been walking," Bryan said, looking down at his watch. "11:30? This has been the craziest hour of my life!"
As he walked along, he passed Yoshimitsu, who was calmly meditating on the ground.
Looking back, Bryan saw he had found what he was looking for.
"Hey, you're Yoshimitsu, right?"
Yoshimitsu, too lost in deep thought, failed to reply.
"Answer me, damn it!" Bryan shouted.
Yoshimitsu continued his silence.
Growing impatient, Bryan grabbed Yoshimitsu, who was still in mediation, and began carrying him back to Abel's lab.
Back at the laboratory, Bryan Fury presented the doctor with Yoshimitsu, who was still meditating.
"Good work," congratulated Abel, who returned to his research.
"That's it?" said Bryan, growing irritated. "All that for a 'good work'? What the hell do you need this guy for anyway?"
"I don't," Abel replied, "I was just using this as an excuse in order to provide you with an opportunity to go on a wacky adventure with hilarious results."
"I maintain your body regularly, and what the hell do you do around here anyway?"
"I threaten to kill you if you don't maintain my body regularly." Bryan reminded him.
"Exactly, so I just thought you could be useful for a change and provide me with something entertaining."
"How could that entertain you when you weren't even there?"
"Actually, I like to read fanfics in my free time."
"Damn. That's sad."
"I know," said Dr. Abel, hanging his head low, "I'm so ashamed."
"Well," said Bryan, "I guess I'll go out and watch Lei Wulong try to kill me for a laugh."
"Hey," said Yoshimitsu, regaining consciousness, "where the hell am I?"
Well, that's it. I might consider writing another story if I get some feedback here, I'd hate to to think that I'd be writing stuff no one would ever read. And yeah, like it says in Paul's bio, he likes the smell of gasoline. I don't get it either. And does anyone know what the hell the word 'embu' means? I'm serious. I'd appreciate it if someone told me.