Mai wants Andy to pay more attention to her. Sadly, Andy is a fight obsessed ninja. So drastic measure must be taken...and by drastic I mean BoBoBo levels drastic.
By: Kairi Taylor
Author’s notes: This here story was made around 2000-2001, when I was more active with this series. A couple of changes have been made to the original story, which was taken off of Fanfiction.net for undisclosed reasons. (Trasnlation: Stupid mods.) So enjoy this trip into comedy’s memory lane.
Sakura: Say Mai, I've got a question? How come Andy doesn't pay too
much attention to you?
Mai: Oh you know, he's just so obsessed with his training. I'm sure
he'll get around to marrying me some day.
Sakura: Are you SURE? I mean he's almost as bad as Ryu. (Points to Ryu,
who's standing on a cliff side)
Ryu: The fight is all. The fight is all. The fight is all...
Sakura: DAMNIT RYU, NOT THIS AGAIN!! (Sakura jumps on a flying carpet &
flies off from the cliff side.)
Mai: Hmm...Maybe I do need to increase my efforts.
Ryu: SAKURRRAAAAA!!! COME & KILL ME!!! (Relena bops him with a mallet.)
Relena: That's a Gundam reference to be used only by cute girls. This will be your only warning.
Mai: Hey wait, Relena! You go out with Heero right?
Heero: (O.S.) IT'S NOT DATING, IT'S STALKING!!
Mai: You have any advice?
Relena: Sure. (Hands Mai a book called "Relena's Guide To Attracting &
Stalking Guys With Violent Careers'.) It's my bestseller.
Mai: Hmmm, Chapter 1, the direct approach.
(Cut to Shiranui Dojo. Andy is meditating as Mai walks in.)
Mai: Andy...FUCK ME LIKE A (SEVERELY CENSORED DUE TO RATHER ADULT
Andy: Mai, I can't. You know how serious I take my training. Besides,
I'm trying to achieve enlightment.
Mai: Oh I see. Well, you know where you can find total enlightment?
Mai: IN THESE!! (Shoves Andy's face into her...err...geez, how do I say
this...her most gifted areas that God has blessed her with.) You can be
totally enlightened everyday with these puppies!
Andy: Yeah, sure whatever. Can I continue meditating?
Mai: That didn't go well. Better see King.
(Mai walks into King's Bar as Strider Taylor talks to King)
Kairi: So then, I told Zangief we had to delay the whole Saturday
Night Slam Masters gig because not only was I going away for the
weekend, but also Hugo had to do a last minute appearance for Final
Fight on the GBA. Then, there was the problem of every guy that kept on
staring at R. Mika's you-know-what!
King: Yeah, damn shame. Writing these days gets a little more hectic.
Then there's those lemon fics that Yuri & I have to keep on MiSTing.
Sheesh!! Oh, hey Mai!
Kairi: Fuck, no time to talk, you gotta get back in character & I
have to get to Economics, the single most boring class I've got.
King: So, what's going on?
Mai: I'm trying to get Andy to notice me more.
King: Ahh, sounds tricky.
Mai: Yeah, even with the book I got.
King: Do you mean Relena's stalking guide?
Mai: You have it?
King: Yup, sure do. How do you think I got Ryo? (Points to Ryo, who is
serving drinks at the bar. In handcuffs.)
Mai: Why did you do that?
King: Well, let me give you a hint. They serve more than one use.
Mai: O-KAYYYY...more info than I needed. Let's see, what else I can
(Back to dojo. Mai is setting an elaborate dinner.)
Mai: Well, it is said that the way to a man's heart is through his
stomach. (Jubei pops his head in. Not the Jubei from Samurai Shodown!)
Jubei: Actually, they say the way to a man's heart is through his---
(Jubei is booted through the roof of the dojo.)
Mai: I'VE ALREADY TRIED THAT, YOU OLD PERVERT!!! Now, let's see if this
(Andy runs with Hokutomaru in & in at least 3 minutes, 47 seconds,
proceeds to devour three bowls of beef teriyaki, two plates of sashimi,
3 jugs of sake, 5 big pieces of meat that you see in anime that looks
like monster bait from the Legend Of Zelda, 6 helpings of chicken
sukiyaki, 18 bowels of rice & a strawberry shortcake, then runs out.
Hokutomaru & Mai have barely touched their chopsticks.)
Andy: Thanks for the meal, gotta keep training!!
Mai: What the...did he even breathe?
Hokutomaru: Amazing! He eats more than that macho chick Sakura! (Sakura
appears behind him)
Sakura: What was that?!
Hokutomaru: EEEP!! (Runs for his life as Sakura gives chase)
(Cut to marketplace. Mai is reading as she walks around. A whole gaggle
of guys are following her.)
Mai: Well, he's much tougher than I thought. Wonder what Chapter 3 has
to say. (Vice appears)
Vice: Hmm, guy problems too?
Mai: Yeah...wait, didn't you die in KOF 96?
Vice: Since when have people stayed dead in the SNK storylines? Do you
know how many times alone Rugal, Geese, Amakusa & General Morden
supposedly bit the dust? Hell, I'm actually in KOF2000. I swear, we might as well call ourselves Marvel!
Mai: Yeah, good point.
Vice: Do what I would do in that sort of situation. Dress seductively.
Mai: Look at my win picture for KOF '94. That did nothing. Hell, even
with the regular clothes I'm wearing now, look at all the perverts
Vice: I see. Um, you want me to get rid of 'em?
Mai: Nah, I got the solution. (Dials her cell phone & Terry appears.)
Terry (To guys): Are you OK?
Guys: Totally man, look at that hottie! Man I'd take my---
Terry: BUSTA WOLLLLFFFFF!!! (Performs a Level 100 Buster Wolf that
blows all the guys to hell. Literally.)
Terry: So, what's with the book?
Vice & Mai: Andy
Terry: Should have known.
(Meanwhile in Hell)
Satan: Ah GODDAMNIT!! This is the second time that Mai & Terry have
sent people to Hell well ahead of schedule this week!! Most of these
idiots don't even belong here. Do they have any idea how long it takes
to correct these mistakes? Ah dang it, just put them in Purgatory.
Daemon: Sir, George W. Bush is on line one & The Sony president is on
Satan: LATER!! (Suddenly all of Hell is frozen over.)
Daemon: Someone set up us the ice bomb!
Satan: What the...DAMN IT NOT THIS SHIT AGAIN!!!! (Cats appears in
Cats: How are you gentlemen?
Satan: Oh, sweet merciful God!
God (In His Almighty voice): Don't even get ME involved in this one,
Cats: All your Hades are belong to us! You are on the way to
Daemon: What you say?
Satan: DON'T YOU GET STARTED ON THIS TOO!!!
Cats: You have no chance to survive, make your time--
Satan: SHUT THE HEAVEN UP!!! (Boots Cats back to Earth.) That's the
last time I ever get drunk while partying with the guys who created
"See Spot Run"!! Get the furnaces back up!! And let's get this crazy
story running again!
(If I offended any Satan worshippers...well as one character said in a
classic Nintendo game..."Buff you asshole!")
Mai: Hmm, let's see-yeah this has gotta work. Music will most
definitely get him for sure.
(Cut to karaoke bar. Andy & Mai are sitting at a table.)
Andy: Hmmm, nice place. But don't they have any fighting games I can
Mai: Will you just forget about fighting for once & just relax?
Andy: But I can't!! For I must beat SFA3 use Dan! DAMN YOU SHIN BISON!!
I'LL DEFEAT YOU YET!! AND I'LL BE BETTER THAN KAIRI!!
Kairi: To quote Cologne, "You're 100 years away from ever
Mai: I thought Yamazaki says that. (Yamazaki appears)
Yamazaki: I do. But that eternal, smack talking Chinese ghoul stole it
(Ten seconds later, Cologne launches Yamazaki into the skies of Earth.)
Cologne: And you, dear boy, are 20,000 years from being anywhere near
my current skill level. Well, what a nice couple. Welcome to the
Nekohaten Bar & Karaoke studio. What can we do for you?
Andy: I'll have a triple order of everything!!
Mai: Geez, aren't we hungry? I'll take a session on the karaoke
Cologne: Right this way, young lady.
Mai (Thinking to herself): This song will definitely woo him!! Heh,
should have done this sooner.
(Mai is led to where Athena is waiting with a microphone.)
Athena: Hey Mai, what's up?
Athena: STILL trying to win his heart? Why not date somebody who is a
better listener, like Kensou?
Athena: PLEASE, FOR KAMI-SAMA'S SAKE, TAKE HIM!! THAT LOON IS DRIVING
ME UP THE WALL!! I CAN'T TAKE HIS NON-STOP CHATTERING ANYMORE!!! IF I
WAKE UP TO HIS DAMN SERANDE AT 2 IN THE FUCKING MORNING, I"LL GO ZERO
SYSTEM ON HIS RICEBALL CHOMPING ASS!!!!
Mai: OK.....Maybe you should sit down & rest. OK, now let's see. Which
level would be best for optimum singing perfection?
(Machine is set for these levels-Loud, Louder, Loudest, Really Damn
Loud, Horrendously Loud & HOLY LIVING FUCK! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU
THINKING, THIS SOUND LEVEL IS INHUMANE & LOUD ENOUGH TO WAKE THE LIVING
DEAD!!! Guess what she chooses?)
Mai: Now, to give Andy my angelic voice...(puts microphone to lips.)
Laa....(immediately, all Hell breaks loose. The sound waves leave a
path of destruction as everyone is sent flying, glass breaks &
buildings within a 30-mile radius tumble. As the chaos dies down, we
see Andy STILL eating, people groaning & the dead literally rising from
Zombie: Brains...brains...AND A BETTER PART IN THE NEXT FRIGGIN EVIL
DEAD MOVIE!!! I DO NOT LIKE BEING STUCK IN ANOTHER RESIDENT EVIL GIG!!!
Andy: Hmm, this General Tso chicken's pretty good.
(A few day's later. Mai enters a shop where Cammy is at the cashier's
Cammy: Welcome to All Things Scottish, where if it's not Scottish it's
CRAAAPP! Now what can I do for you?
Mai: Um Cammy, you're not Scottish.
Cammy: Yeah, I know. But it's fun doing it. (Chun Li enters.)
Chun Li: Hey Mai, nice to see you. What's going on?
Mai: I need some advice about men.
Chun Li: Oh...well I'm kind of the wrong person to talk to. You see, I
uh, don't date people with facial hair.
Mai: Yeah, I know how much you hate beards.
Chun Li: That's not what I mean. Geez, how do I put this...I play on
the other team, so to speak?
Mai: You work for Tecmo now?
Chun Li: This is going to take a while...
Chun Li: OK, Mai, let's try this. Haven't you noticed that Cammy & I
hang out...a lot?
Mai: Yeah, I mean you're totally good pals & everything. That's
Chun Li: Hmm, this might be trickier. Ok, let me put it like this...I
like to watch 'Ellen'.
Mai: Me too!! Man, that was a funny show too! It was so stupid of ABC
to cancel it.
Chun Li: Yes, but that's the thing. You see, I share a lot of things in
common with Ellen.
Mai: You mean...you wear casual jeans a lot too?
Chun Li: ARRGHH!!!
Cammy: Time to break out the charts.
(30 minutes later...)
Chun Li: So, as you see, by this equation here, also factoring all of
my copies of "Out", as well as my membership to the Xena Fan Club, not
to mention the trunks of Birkenstocks & posters of Melissa Etheredge &
K.D. Lang, this is undeniable proof that I have no interest in men.
None. Zero. Absolutely no desire what so ever. Do you understand now?
Mai:...um, no I don't.
Chun Li: D'OH!!! (Falls over)
Cammy: Look luv, maybe this will help explain things.
(Cammy pops a tape in the VCR which shows Cammy & Chun Li engaged
in...A guitar duet at Lilith Fair. What did you think I was going to
say you naughty hentais?)
Mai: Oh...I get it now.
Cammy: See sweetie? It's that simple.
Mai: You too are folk singers!!
Chun Li & Cammy: NO WOMAN, WE'RE IN LOVE!!! CAN'T YOU SEE THAT!!
Mai: Wait, you mean that you too...OHHHHH....
Cammy: Took you that long to figure it out?
Mai: Actually my first clue was when Chun Li kept on beating up every
guy that she went out with. Well, that & the time you & Cammy
(CENSORED!!!!FOR THE SAKE OF THE CHILDREN IT'S CENSORED! )
Cammy: Well, we were drunk at the time.
Chun Li: Andy seems a little pigheaded. So, what I suggest is to
challenge him on equal grounds. If you beat him, he has to marry you.
Mai: Good plan. He ain't that tough right now.
(1 week later. Mai is limping as she walks to the grocery store.)
Mai: Geez, we should've known better. That guy practically LIVES for
fighting. Time to read more of the book. (Akuma teleports in.)
Akuma: ME SUIT!
Mai: This ain't the right time, bucko! I'm more concerned about getting
Andy to notice me than fighting.
Akuma:...Andy Bogard? That geek STILL hasn't asked you out? At least
Ryu has shown some interest in women!
(Cut to an earlier fight between Ryu & R. Mika. Ryu is just standing
there as R. Mika challenges him.)
R. Mika: C'mon, you're supposed to be the best in the world, right?
Take me on.
Ryu :...can't move. Paralyzed from the waste down...
R. Mika: What's this guys damage? (Kairi whispers in her ear.)
Oh. Wow, I never figured it'd happen to him. (Sakura comes in & douses
Ryu with cold water.)
(Back to Mai & Akuma)
Mai: Well, at least he's somewhat normal. For Ryu.
Akuma: Anyway, you want to know how to get that baka to notice you,
right? Well, you've come to the right man! For not only am I the best
fighter...I'm also the love doctor of shoto-funk!!
Akuma: ME LEISURE SUIT! (Akuma changes into a funky blues 70's dance
suit as he dances & a strobe light comes down outta nowhere.)
Mai: Well, isn't this a surreal day? This is almost as bizarre as BoBoBo!
Akuma: Let the love doctor teach you the way to that scrub's heart.
(Andy's Note: Who are you calling a scrub, Kairi!!)
(Kairi Note: HEY! That's my bit you're stealing, you hack!!)
Mai: Can we get back to the story? (Benimaru comes in.)
Benimaru: Funk is so dead, old man! Go out with me, Mai! I've got the
club moves to love you ALL night long. (Benimaru starts to dance to
Akuma:...I thought you were only interested in...
Mai: No, that gag has been used already.
Akuma: Besides, your techno can't up to the might of...ME FUNK!!
Mai: How else can this go wrong? (Dan rolls in, dressed in a tight
fitting shirt & blue jeans.)
Dan: HA!! Both of you don't have the skills I have in getting women!
I've dated more babes than you guys ever have.
Benimaru: YOU? Ha!
Dan: Hello? Who's dating Ruby Heart?
Akuma: Probably out of pity.
Dan: What was that, YMCA lover?
Akuma: You heard me pinky? (Yuffie walks in.)
Mai: Shouldn't you be in the Final Fantasy or Kingdom Hearts section?
Yuffie: I'm pretty much a permanent character in any of Kairi's works.
Now, do you want me to take care of these three?
(Cut to top of a dojo. Yuri is practicing.)
Yuri: Such a nice day. Nothing can possibly mar this beautiful skyline.
(Suddenly, the beam from Yuffie's "All Creation" Limit Break shoots
into the sky as Dan, Akuma & Benimaru are launched to the farthest
reaches of Japan.)
Yuri: Note to self: always assume the worst when Kairi's involved.
(Back to Yuffie & Mai.)
Mai: So, what are you doing here?
Yuffie: Well, I was on my way to promote Kairi’s ‘Danny Phantom Fanning the Flames Remix’ when I noticed
this weird stuff happening. Let me guess, Andy?
Yuffie: Well, just skip on ahead to the last chapter in that book.
Mai: Hmm...When all else fails, there is only one solution. Resort to
the time honored method that all anime babes have resorted to: get the
St. Akane Holy Mallet Of Divine Violence & proceed to re-educate your
mate! Also go read chapter 3 of Fanning The Flames Remix. Geez, that's two times he's snuck a promotion in
Yuffie: Try it. It'll work.
Mai: You sure? (Yuffie points to the end of the rope she has. Tied up
Kairi: I liked it better when she just kept on using the stalking
methods in chapter 5!
(One Week later...Mai has Andy tied up. She's carrying the mallet with
Mai: Next, we're taking you to Today's Man, so that you can actually
get some better looking duds. We're also dropping by a few restaurants,
get some new bikinis for myself, see a movie...
Andy: Can you please end this story?
Kairi: Hey, we've got our own problems over here!! (Andy sees that
Yuffie has Kairi still tied up, King is walking with Ryo who is
shackled at the hands & feet. Iori is being closely guarded by Vice &
Relena has unusually strong grip on Heero's arm.)
Iori:...Damn. What a way to end this story.
Ryo: I'll say.
Heero: Where's a self-detonation device when I need it?
(It is at this point that Timmy Turner & Tootie show up. Timmy is being dragged around by Tootie via a dog collar & chain.)
Tootie: I read chapter 9.
Timmy: And the worst part is I wasn’t even in the original story.