Categories > TV > House

People Are Alike All Over

by seldra 3 reviews

Crack!fic. House and Wilson meet girl!House and girl!Wilson. (House/Wilson. Slash.)

Category: House - Rating: PG-13 - Genres: Humor - Characters: Gregory House,James Wilson - Published: 2007-09-14 - Updated: 2007-09-15 - 1296 words - Complete

Title: People Are Alike All Over
Author: seldra
Fandom: House M.D.
Pairings: House/Wilson, girl!House/girl!Wilson
Rating: PG-13 to be safe, though it's probably more PG
Disclaimer: David Shore owns them, and I think we can all be thankful he'd never do anything like this with them.
Warnings: crack!fic, not to be taken seriously (or while operating heavy machinery.)

“Helloooo, I’m /crippled/, here!” the woman’s voice pierced the walls of Princeton Plainsboro Teaching Hospital with the skill of someone who has practiced annoying others for many years and honed it down to a fine art.

House, who had been listening to his iPod, thumbing through a magazine and doing his best to ignore the clinic glared up irritably. The woman’s whine was loud, high-pitched and just generally annoying enough to cut through his music and make the skin on the back of his neck crawl (and probably make dogs howl and glass shatter). She was wearing a leather jacket that looked like it had seen better days and her hair was shoulder length but looked like it hadn’t come in contact with a comb since the last century. Walking beside her was a very embarrassed-looking dark haired woman in a lab coat.

“Okay – one, having a bad leg doesn’t mean you can’t wash the dishes. Or fold the laundry. Or take out the garbage once and a while – ”

“Oh right, I’ll just levitate it down to the curb using my mad psychic powers!”

“Two – ” continued her companion, with a grimace, “do you have to be so loud?”

“Of course! You should always do what your best at and I am pretty good at being loud. And annoying, or so I've been told.”

“For God’s sake, Grace – why can’t we ever get through one conference without —”

“Because they’re BORING. I can’t believe you find this crap interesting. And if you start on me one more time about ‘excellent networking opportunities’ or ‘the importance of community in the medical field’ I will personally pay a visit to each and every one of your patients and deliver the bad news.”

“And if it’s good news?”

“You’re an oncologist, honey, it’s never good news. Cancer equals bad. Remember?”

There was a brief pause. House scowled in irritation and wished they would go somewhere else and annoy some other doctor. If he had to listen to their shrill bickering much longer he’d have to give up and actually examine some patients just to get away from them!

“Oh Lord, why am I friends with you again?”

“Um…because of the totally hot sex, of course.”

House thumbed the volume down on his iPod; now they were getting interesting, especially since the one in the lab coat turned bright red and stuttered. “You — you — can’t you keep it down a little?”

“Oh please,” the other replied, gesturing to the clinic waiting room, “these people are all patients. Who cares what they think?”

At that moment Cuddy and Wilson walked into the clinic. House tried to bring the magazine back up to hide his face, but he was too slow and Cuddy’s glare-of-doom was scalding. Not literally, but almost.

“House! Why are you sitting there? Why aren’t you treating one of these patients?”

“Because I don’t work here?” the woman in the leather jacket said, taking both Cuddy and House by surprise. She raised an eyebrow when they both turned to glare at her.

“Uh—” said the woman standing next to her. “I’m Doctor Jessica Wilson and this is Doctor Grace House, from Toronto General. We’re here for the conference — Doctor Cuddy, I presume?”

“Oh — oh yes,” Cuddy nodded, looking quite flustered. “And this is…Doctor Wilson, and Doctor House.”

“Small world,” the girl Wilson said with a friendly smile.

“Not small enough. My leg’s cramping,” girl House complained. “Can we go have sex now?”

All four doctors turned to stare at her in blank surprise, even House, despite himself. He was amused at the shade of burgundy girl Wilson was turning, though, and wondered if his Wilson could be made to blush quite so red. He decided it would require extensive medical testing in the very near future.

Meanwhile, his feminine counterpart blinked and tried again. “Can we go have sex now, please?”

Cuddy and Wilson (his Wilson) were also wearing very amusing expressions of shock. "She's worse than..." Cuddy whispered.

Shushing her quiet, Wilson muttered "Don't tempt fate!" under his breath.

Meanwhile girl Wilson was attempting to remind girl House about the medical conference they "drove across three states to attend.”

“Hey, I’m not the one with the fear of flying. And heights. And mice. And zombies.” She suddenly rounded on House, pointing her cane at his Wilson. “Does yours squeal like a five year old with pigtails when there’s a spider on the shower mat?”

Wilson sputtered and House shrugged noncommittally. “At least you don’t have to put up with the truly hideous ties. Or the ex-wives.”

“Ex-husbands,” she countered, glancing at her Wilson. “Three. I offered to bludgeon them to death, but she just filed for divorce instead. Oh, and a hundred bucks says her earrings are worse than his ties.”

“Hey!” Girl Wilson objected. “There is nothing wrong with my earrings!”

“Yeah,” snorted girl House. “If you watched one too many episodes of Jem and the Holograms as a kid.”

“Uh…the conference is happening on the third floor,” Cuddy interrupted in a sort of dazed voice.

She’d gone quite pale and House didn’t blame her. He fully realized that one of him was more than any hospital administratrix should have to deal with. Of course, he wasn’t going to let her know that.

On the contrary, he grinned and Wilson shot him a look that said whatever-you’re-about-to-say-for-the-love-of-God-please-don’t-say-it, which he noticed, recognized, and accepted, but ultimately decided to ignore.

“Bet your boss isn’t as hot as ours though,” he said.

“Damn right about that,” she replied instantly, earning a withering glare from her Wilson while staring at Cuddy’s chest, legs, then chest again with pointed appreciation. “Uh—if you go for hot pink power suits of course, which I certainly do not—” she said, finally meeting her Wilson’s gaze.

Girl Wilson rolled her eyes and placed her hands on her hips, shaking her head tiredly. “Let’s just get the conference over with, okay?”

“I guess,” she shrugged. “I mean, the sooner we go, the sooner it will be over with, the sooner we can go back to our hotel and have hot lesbian sex, right?”

“You know…” House said, “I’ve always wanted to try a foursome.”

It was worth it for the look on his Wilson’s face, his Wilson, who looked like he was wishing the floor of PPTH would just open up and swallow him whole. Meanwhile, girl Wilson was pulling her House away, towards the elevators, as fast you can drag a grouchy cripple while shaking her head furiously and trying (and failing) not to blush again.

Once they were gone, Cuddy collapsed into a nearby chair. “If you two don’t mind…I think I’ll just sit here for a second…and wait for the universe to go back to normal again.”

“That was definitely weird,” Wilson nodded, glancing at him. “Do you think she has a team that’s like—”

“Nah,” House said quickly, shaking his head. “That would just be ridiculous.”


Author's Note: little do they suspect, alternate!Ducklings are already plotting world domination...well, except for girl!Chase, she's too busy filling out a crossword puzzle and fixing her hair.
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