Duo hurts the one he loves in a selfish moment of betrayal. Songfic for a challenge, lyrics follow.
/A Moment of Recklessness/
One never sets out to hurt the ones they love. No one opens their eyes in the morning greeting the day with a ‘I think I’m going to destroy my amazing relationship with a selfish act, now where’s the coffee?’. It’s an absurd thought, but sadly these things happen and sitting in a dark hotel room, the curtains drawn against the noonday sun, Duo wondered what the fuck he’d been thinking, or more appropriately why hadn’t he been thinking. Nope, he hadn’t been thinking at all.
In retrospect he could clearly see the acts that destroyed his life, but while it was happening he didn’t see it coming – hindsight and all that crap. Was it like this for everybody left in the wreckage from betrayal? Duo wondered, but didn’t really want to know; he was too wrapped up in self-loathing to think too much into it. Rolling over in the bed he’d been sleeping in for the last 48 hours, Duo covered his head with a pillow and tried to forget.
It had started innocently enough, but doesn’t it always? Trowa had needed a place to stay after his latest conquest had kicked him out. Sure, no problem. He and Heero had a pullout couch in the living room, and it was nice having someone to talk to while Heero was dragged away for days on end with work. The money was good, but Duo would rather be dirt poor and live in a shack if it meant Heero would be home more often. Not that it mattered anymore now, did it? But at the time, Heero had been happy that Duo had someone to keep him company, and when Heero was home the three got alone well.
A few weeks until Trowa got on his feet turned into a few months, but it was all good. Trowa living with them became routine. Duo was used to getting up in the morning, pouring a couple cups of coffee from the pot that Heero had brewed at some ungodly hour before leaving for work, and sitting on the sofa bed with Trowa watching the morning news. Trowa would share his blanket and they’d sip their coffee, every now and again commenting on the idiocies of humanity before getting ready to head off to their own jobs. They were comfortable with each other. They were friends.
After a time, as fall bled into winter, they’d just become more … comfortable with each other. Heero was barely home long enough to sleep six hours before heading out the door again, and that was if he came home at all. Duo was lonely; he was the kind of person that needed human contact. He needed to have someone to hug him, to hold him. Trowa was there and Heero was not.
Duo and Trowa would come home from work and cook dinner together, sharing stories from their day and unwinding. Duo would always call Heero to see how much longer till he arrived, but they were used to setting aside a plate for him, the man rarely made it home to eat. Duo and Trowa would joke around, have a glass of wine, and find old movies to watch on cable before saying good night and heading off to bed. That first night Duo had curled up at Trowa’s side had been kind of strange, but the steady rhythm of his breath and the sound of his heartbeat quickly soothed away all hesitation. It felt good to be held, and they weren’t doing anything wrong. Eventually it reached the point when they’d curl up on the couch together while Heero was home and Heero didn’t seem to mind. Heero would usually lean into Duo’s other side and they’d look like a fallen row of dominos. It was cozy.
Looking back, Duo knew the exact moment things shifted. He’d just driven Heero to the airport for the third time that month, and was feeling incredibly low. He knew the money was good, that Heero was building towards their future – a house, vacations – but it didn’t stop him from being jealous of Heero’s job. He was jealous, and he was angry for Heero leaving so willingly. A kiss on the cheek and a see you soon was all Heero offered in parting. On the way home from the airport he’d stopped by the liquor store and picked up a case of IPA. When he’d arrived home the apartment was empty and he was somewhat relieved. He was feeling reckless and felt it best to be alone.
The first beer went down easily with a half a bag of salt n vinegar potato chips. A second beer finished off the bag of chips, and the third beer was just being emptied when Trowa walked through the door.
“What’s the matter with you?” Trowa snagged a beer for himself and sat next to Duo on the couch.
“Wallowing in self pity, my friend,” Duo said with a grin, reaching for his fourth beer in less than an hour. “Heero gets a hard-on for his job more than he does for me. Man, this sucks.”
“How long is he gone this time?” Trowa’s tone was sympathetic as he moved closer to Duo and put an arm around his shoulder.
“Six days. In Japan. I’ve always wanted to see Japan.” Duo put the bottle of beer on the coffee table and rested his cheek against Trowa’s chest. “He’s gone more than he’s at home and I hate it.”
“He’s doing what he thinks best,” Trowa said with a shrug, rubbing slow circles on Duo’s back. “Have you told him how you feel?”
“Yeah, but it only makes me seem like I’m whining, like I don’t value what he’s trying to do. Like I’m being selfish.” Duo closed his eyes, taking comfort from the man holding him. “I’m such a loser.”
“You’re not a loser.” Trowa’s voice was low, and if Duo were a little more sober he’d have noticed the odd, tight quality too it. Trowa’s fingers rubbed lower, ghosting across Duo’s lower back and dipping slightly into the back of his pants where the material gaped. If Duo had paid attention he would’ve noticed Trowa’s heartbeat quicken as fingers slipped under his shirt and started running over bare skin. “You need to stop being so hard on yourself.”
Despite his inebriation, Duo could sense a subtle shift, as Trowa’s fingers grew bolder, sliding up and down his side and running over his hip. For a bit they just sat in the dizzying silence as their hormones started to stir. It wasn’t until Duo lifted his head to look at Trowa’s face and saw his eyes glazed with want that he could admit what was happening. His heart screamed for him to pull away and make it stop, but his mind and body craved the closeness and the comfort he knew he could achieve. He didn’t pursue, but he didn’t deter either. When Trowa touched his cheek and lowered his mouth to kiss him, Duo didn’t pull away.
“We shouldn’t be doing this,” Duo murmured against Trowa’s lips after a deep kiss. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d felt so aroused, so desired.
“No, we shouldn’t,” Trowa answered honestly, kissing Duo’s neck and sliding a hand up his shirt to brush a finger over a nipple. “We can stop … if you want.”
“We should stop … “ Duo buried his fingers in Trowa’s hair and pulled him forward, seeking out his mouth. He knew he should stop, but couldn’t bring himself to lose this feeling, the endorphin rush of that ‘first kiss’, the thrill. Once Trowa dropped to his knees on the floor between Duo’s legs and reached for his zipper Duo was lost.
They’d had sex right on the couch, which seemed fitting. Duo didn’t want to bring Trowa into their bed, with Heero’s scent still in the sheets. They didn’t talk as they explored each other with mouths and hands, only the low sounds of passion between them. Duo didn’t let Trowa fuck him; intercourse would be too real, too permanent. Not that this wasn’t real, that he wasn’t being unfaithful – the things they did on that couch bordered on sinful without adultery – but at the moment he hadn’t been thinking clearly.
When all was said and done the guilt was almost instantaneous. Duo couldn’t believe that he’d done something so selfishly stupid, something he couldn’t take back. With hastily spoken apologies, Duo had gone into his room and tried to hide from the truth. He had trouble looking at Trowa, and barely even talked to him the remainder of the time Heero was gone. He’d tried to convince himself that he didn’t want to be faced with more guilt, but it was really to resist temptation. Being with Trowa felt good, sure, but it had fed a part of him that had been starving. He was starting to hate himself.
Duo tried to sound normal on the phone, tried to act normal when he’d picked Heero up at the airport, but Duo could tell that Heero was suspicious of something. How could Heero not know something was wrong the minute he’d walked through the door to find Trowa looking through the want ads for a roommate? Duo couldn’t pull off normal with Trowa in the apartment, and as soon as they’d gone into their bedroom that night he confessed. It turned ugly quickly.
“How could you do this to us?” Heero was sitting up in bed with a pillow clutched in a white-knuckled grip. Duo could see the hurt beneath the anger, and immediately wished he could take it all back.
“I don’t know,” Duo whispered, backing out of the bed and starting to pace. He knew enough to stay out of striking distance when Heero was this angry, and the fact that he’d been the one that caused Heero to be this angry made him that much more wary . “I didn’t mean for it to happen. I was lonely and –”
“You were /lonely/? That’s your excuse? You were fucking /lonely/?” Heero threw the pillow across the room and it struck the bureau, sending debris flying. “And what about /me/? You didn’t think I was the least bit lonely working my ass off so we could have something better?”
Heero was on his feet before Duo knew what was happening, slamming out of the bedroom wearing nothing but boxers and hauling Trowa off the couch. “Get out! Get the fuck out of my house! Get the fuck out of my life!”
Heero was shaking Trowa so violently, that Duo tried to intervene, only to be pushed roughly aside as Heero dropped Trowa to the floor. The tone of Heero’s voice frightened Duo, but not as badly as the almost blank look on the man’s face. “Both of you get the fuck out before I forget myself.”
Duo left with nothing more than the clothes on his back; grabbing his wallet, cell phone and car keys off the table before closing the door behind him. He didn’t bother to wait and see if Trowa made it out in one piece. Instead he literally ran to his car and started driving. He drove for hours, not caring to know where he was. He kept replaying the hurt look in Heero’s eyes, his stomach knotting so tightly that he had to hunch over the steering wheel to drive. Coming out of his fugue, he was surprised to find himself two states away and in the middle of nowhere.
He stopped for gas and got directions to the nearest hotel, checking in and collapsing in bed. That had been two days ago. In the last two days he’d done nothing more than sleep, drink tap water, and occasional get up to use the bathroom. His mind was a scary place, and Duo wondered how he could escape it. He’d left his cell phone on, but Heero never called. After the first day, Trowa had called and sounded like hell. Duo had no right to be angry with him, not any angrier than he was at himself anyway. No I don’t want to try a relationship with you. No I don’t want to see you right now. I’m sorry Trowa, I’m not sure if we can still be friends.
Word got around quicker than Duo thought possible, and a few people called to see how Duo was doing. They left messages filled with support and hope, but Duo had no intention of calling them back. What could he say? There was nothing he could say to make this right. He was painfully alone, and he deserved it.
Duo’s cell chirped again from the nightstand and he looked at it anxiously to see who was calling. It was Trowa again and he let it go to voicemail. There was only one person he wanted to talk to right now, and Trowa wasn’t him. Fuck. He rolled over with a groan and grabbed his cell, dialing Heero at work before he could chicken out. He got the secretary. No, Mr. Yuy wasn’t in. No, she didn’t know when Mr. Yuy would return. Hanging up, he called the house and expected the machine to pick up – perfectly willing to record his groveling for posterity.
“Duo?” The unexpected sound of Heero’s voice made Duo jump. Heero sounded like shit, making Duo feel lower than he thought possible.
“Yeah.” Duo’s voice cracked and he had to clear his throat. “God, Heero, I’m so sorry. I never wanted to do this to you.”
Duo listened to Heero breathing on the other end of the line, waiting for him to say something. “I – I didn’t mean to get so angry. You told me and all I could think of was the two of you playing house while I was gone – making a mockery of our relationship behind my back.”
“It wasn’t like that. It only happened once, and afterwards … I could barely look at him. He was looking for another place to stay when you got home.” Duo was sitting up, leaning against the headboard and feeling dizzy. “I blew everything we had for – for … god, I’m so fucking selfish.”
“Years, Duo – for years we had built a life for ourselves here and it wasn’t enough for you.” The ire in his voice made Duo flinch. How could he argue with that?
“It was enough,” Duo argued lamely. “I’ve always had trouble with you being gone so much, and then Trowa was there … even you were happy that I’d have someone to keep me company so you didn’t have to feel so guilty about leaving me alone all the time.”
“I was happy you had a friend, I thought I could trust you to keep it in your pants.” Heero took a deep breath and cleared his throat. “Trowa came over earlier to talk to me. He says you don’t want anything to do with him.”
“I don’t want Trowa. I never for a moment wanted a relationship with him.” I deserve to be alone. “I was wrong, and if I could take it back I would.”
“You can’t take it back,” Heero said softly, his voice filled with sadness. “But I’m not sure what to do. I mean, do we just throw away years of happiness just like that?”
“I would say no, but the choice isn’t mine to make.” Hope had no right to be in his heart, none at all. “I’m going to need to get my stuff.”
“No.” Heero’s tone was firm, and it startled Duo. “I’m actually going away for a little while. Between work and this I realize that I need to get my head together. I don’t want to throw everything away, but I don’t want to just push what happened under the carpet and pretend it doesn’t exist. You can stay here while I’m gone, and when I get back we can see if there’s anything left to salvage.”
“I-” I can’t stay there alone … “Alright.” Duo needed to pay his penance. If it took walking on glass to get Heero back, Duo vowed to himself he would try. “Can I see you before you leave?”
“I don’t think that would be a good idea. I’m afraid if I see you I’ll forget my purpose, and I need to do this, I have a lot to think about. I’m not asking you to wait for me – ”
“I’ll wait. I’ll wait for whatever you decide, you deserve that much.” You deserve so much more.
Silence stretched on for minutes before they said good-bye. It was the fist time they’d ended a phone conversation without ‘I love you’ since they’d moved in together. Duo hung up and closed his eyes. For a brief moment he wondered if he could survive this when the tears came. Heero would leave, and Duo would wait and learn what it was really like being alone.
I bought a toothbrush, some toothpaste, a flannel for my face
Pajamas, a hairbrush, new shoes and a case
I said to my reflection, let's get out of this place
Passed the church and the steeple, the laundry on the hill
Billboards and the buildings
Memories of it still keep calling and calling
But forget it all I know I will
Tempted by the fruit of another
Tempted but the truth is discovered
What's been going on now that you have gone
There's no other
Tempted by the fruit of another
Tempted but the truth is discovered
I'm at the car park, the airport, the baggage carousel
The people keep on writing, and wishing I was well
I said, "It's no occasion, it's no story I can tell"
At my bedside, empty pocket, a foot without a sock
Your body gets much closer
I fumble for the clock, alarmed by the seduction
I wish that it would stop
I bought a novel, some perfume, a fortune all for you
But it's not my conscience that hates to be untrue
I asked of my reflection, tell me what is there to do