The Semiclassic 'everyone has been lying to Harry about everything' plot. Very AU. Bashing of pretty much everyone. Mind Control Sex. Language. Dumbledore decides the Old Families won't tolerate th...
(#) whatareyouevensaying 2007-10-21 01:57:39 PMExcellent work with this story so far. Chapter 4 is cut off, so you might want to resubmit it.
Looking forward to more.
Author's responseNo, it was supposed to read like a retarded Spider Monkey sat at the keyboard and pounded away for an hour...
Actually most of my stuff reads like that. I've reuploaded chapter 4
- Loved the negotiations with the Greengrass family, as usual, being the most directly affected, the ladies are dealing with the important business while the men wrap up the items they have to deal with. Mr. Granger's reaction on the golf course was predictable, and I loved his wife's immediate and direct means of getting his attention. It's good to see things worked out there and the Handfasting ceremony was a very moving one.
Now, a marriage to Daphne and Dumbledore and the youngest Weaseleys are going to find themselves with even more difficulties. I suspect Ginny is going to find that Neville isn't even available as a "fall-back" and is actively pursuing someone else (Susan? Luna? - I like the latter one, there). It should make this seventh year "interesting" as Dumbles tries further manipulations of his "weapon", only to find that he's lost all or almost all means of control.
Author's responseI needed a cause for the 'pureblood' of my treoing (well it isn't a pairing) to be in pursuit of, because after all, she isn't in love with Harry (yet?) It occurred to me that the Purebloods aren't even replacing themselves in each generation... Especially since I've wanted to make the Pureblood males impotent since I read at fic that had Harry tattooing "Pureblood Willies are Weaker" on a former class mates belly...
The Handfasting ceremony came from an Reformed Druidian website, I hacked out the Earth mother stuff and shoe horned in some magic blather...
As soon as word gets out about the potion posse they will be lacking love most intensly...
- is it sappy?even if it is,it still sounds like my wife and I.
ok,her family says we tend to be so romantic that we are nauseating,so i guess i shouldn't talk.
oh yes,the handfasting ceremony was cool.
my wife wanting a celtic? pledge(sort of) added to our vows.someone might like it out their.
blood of my blood
bone of my bone
there was more but we just added those lines
you are doing an exceptional job.
Author's response- Thanks
- I also like the new format. Of course the longer chapters are the best thing. Those allow me to become lost in your story.
I liked the Ms. Greengrass scenes. You jumped right into her ideas without messing around.
Author's responseWhen enough people complained that the chapters needed to be longer, I did longer. Of course it takes forever to write now...
(#) GryffindorDragon 2007-11-06 01:12:39 PMI don't think you sucked on that. It turned out quite well. And don't worry about the length. Just because Bobmin writes chapters that are 500 pages long doesn't mean you have to :) Be yourself (even if you borrow plot ideas and devices from others).
Author's responseI got my own back on Bob, reviewed one of his more recent stories and complained about the chapters being too long... heh heh heh.
(#) dadscooking 2007-11-15 10:08:24 AMsmall misspelling in this sentence: "The book Luna gave us spoke of the protections of marriage. If we were married, any one who attempted what Dumbledore did to us would be facing at very least [live] in Azkaban. Most are executed outright." It is spelled correctly but should be LIFE not LIVE.
Otherwise, a fascinating story and I will continue on...
- You really don't need to repeat the ending of each chapter, or change scenes. You have a really good story here, but the repeated scenes really take away from it. Tell one scene from one point of view. If you want to tell the thoughts of another character, do it in another scene, as they reflect on the conversation. We are reading the chapters, if we want to know how the last chapter ended, we'll look at it ourselves.
As I said before, this is a good story, and I am enjoying reading it.