(#) Geovanni_Luciano 2007-10-27First of all, I rated this story as original. I like it. It does have elements of other story's such as White Knight Grey Queen, with the disappearing act, and I liked it there and I liked what you did with it. I hate Ron with a passion. He's a self-centered ass in canon and that was especially proven in canon with Deathly Hallows when he abandoned his friends for a warm meal and home. Next, I like your take on manipulative Dumbledore, however, you've not really showed his motivations for the things that he has done to Harry. Also, you've shown, or drawn a correlation between something that he did to Tom in his life but not explained it. I'm curious if you will have his enthraller be Myrtle. It would fit with her death. Next, I'm curious as to how this is going to impact a potential for a Potter marriage contract or whether you will permit Luna to join the group. She cares greatly for Harry as a friend in this one and has obviously given up on Ron in your story due to the circumstances.
I imagine that there will be the eventual confrontation between Ron and Harry where Ron boasts about the things that Hermione did for him and it will end with him in either the hospital wing in Hogwarts or in the grave.
I'm not sure where you're going to go with the twins because the rapes of both Harry and Hermione by Ron and Tonks respectively will leave alot of harsh feelings. One aspect that has been lacking in this story has been Remus Lupin. With all the Remus/Tonks shippers, you've certainly strayed by making Tonks absolutely as evil as her Aunt. Remus is no where to be seen.
This has to be rectified any which way you want to go with it. You could have him a Tonks lapdog or in Harry's camp. I'd prefer Harry's camp but this is your show.
Something has to happen to the Weasleys. Arthur has always been portrayed as a brainless yesman for Dumbledore and I'd certainly like to see more demensions of his character. Not just the Ghost Unspeakable, either. That's overdone.
I like the length that you have for your chapters. It shows more depth in thought, however I think that you could probably milk more length into the dialogue if you add motivations and after thoughts to what the characters are thinking and feeling after they speak.
I hope that you update soon. This has been surprising to find an unrated story that is actually quite good. I do hope more people decide to rate it and I hope that you update soon.
Author's responseI've not read White Knight Grey Queen, So i'll have to look for it. I don't think there are that many original ideas left for Harry and the Gang to play with... As far as going to ground goes, since they are both raised Muggle, disappearing into the mundane population would be simplicity for them, not something the bulk of Wizards could do.
Re: Ron. I don't hate him, other than his insane jealousy/realization that Harry gets crapped on with alarming frequency cycles from canon. That being said, I needed a baddie, so who better than a horny best friend. Again, not original.
Dumbles' reasons will be reveled in the future.
I wish I had thought of using Muggle born Myrtle before I had written the plot point where Tom recalls killing his enthraller and dismissing the idea that harrys could be Hermione because Dumbles would use a pureblood for the job...
There will be no Potter marriage Contract. When I originally outlined the story Luna was going to be the one to execute the contract, but I just couldn't get her character to be all that interested in repopulating the Pureblood culture, so intro Daphne. (besides it's more fun to write a giggling hyper aroused Slytherin) I'm currently attempting to plot out something good for Miss Lovegood.
There is going to be a single confrontation between Harry and Ron, it will not be physically violent, Harry is not going to be the one to deal with Ron.
Remus isn't in the fic yet for the simple reason that for the life of me I can't write him. From my keyboard he sounds like the worst kind of pretentious fool. I'm working on it. For the purposes of this fic, Tonks and Remus are not a couple since they got together in HBP and that didn't happen in my universe. He's going to show up, but I suspect he'll support Dumbles, since he is the leader of the light and all that...
I've got something special in store for the Weasleys. No Ghost unspeakable will be used in the writing of this fic. I'm not sure, but I think my method of dealing with Dumble's followers and Tommy's as well is relatively unique.
I'll work on the dialogs
Thanks for the review, that is possibly longer than some of my chapters... ;}
- Hmm, "White Knight, Grey Queen" can be found among Jeconais' Harry Potter fanfic on http://jeconais.fanficauthors.net/Harry_Potter.php . It's one I can recommend highly. Your siuation of Molly, Ron, and Ginny being in with Dumbledore on controlling and robbing Harry resonates with aspects of redfrog's "Summer of Independence" on FFN, http://www.fanfiction.net/s/3661577/1/Summer_of_Independence . "Summer" badly needs a beta review and reposting, but is a still a good story, even if some polish is definitely needed (some nice twists, too, that I won't give away).
Author's responseGreat, two more stories I need to read. :-}
- I enjoyed reading this story for the most part, But I tended to get lost in the begging chanters. As information from one chatpre started the next one and so on. Till I got used to it. Thank you for wrighting this story and I look forwerd to seeing your next post.
- I just found this story, and it's a lot of fun. Thank you for dropping the recap of the previous chapters - although I usually simply skip that part. I love this view of Harry and our heros. I like smart savvy people. (More Luna, please!) Great job with the marriage contract's effect on Daphne; that is a perfectly logical way to make sure that an arranged marriage works, at least long enough to produce children. How are the newlyweds going to handle the rooming situation at Horwarts?
Author's responseA lot of people complained about the recaps... I always liked them, but if the people don't, so be it...
Smart is good. Also sexy in women. Guys not so much. There will be much more Luna, but how she ends up is a mystery... Originally she was supposed to be in the Daphne slot, but I just couldn't fit her into a mold that would care all that much if pure blood culture dies out, and that being one of my major plot motivations I had to move on to another pureblood...
As far as Married quarters. Given that Hogwarts has been co-educational for more than 1000 years, and the age groups we're talking about (11-18) during the majority of the schools existance, there would be nothing unusual about student's being married, somewhere, having fallen into disuse due to changing social mores, the castle has married student quarters. Including those intended for multiple partners.
Dumbles is going to be royally pissed about having to cough one up, but they're there.
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