He could never forgive her, never see her.
AN: While this is essentially a Sess/Rin story, it focuses more on Sesshomaru's relationship with their daughter. There is incest in this story, so if that ain't your bag, don't read. You have been warned.
When she is born it is hot, scorching and unbearably miserable. She comes into the world screaming and loud. She comes into the world moments before her mother leaves it.
And it is in that moment, she is ever branded as a murderer in her father's eyes.
He refuses to see her to even acknowledge her existence. When he is begged relentlessly to name her as the weeks go by, he finally tells her wet nurse Nana, her name is none of his concern and she may name it whatever she wants. Nana names the child Chiyo, as her mother had told her that is a name she liked and hoped Sesshomaru would pick it if they were to have a girl. He knows where this name comes from but acts like it does not affect him in the least. Inside his gut twists in grief and anger and he knows that he will kill this child before the night is through.
"As you wish," he flatly tells her as if he were speaking to no one.
Sesshomaru does not kill her that night. Standing in the doorway of her room, the night light highlighting a small form lying next to her substitute mother, he kneels down next to it. It is smaller than Sesshomaru thought it would be and for some reason, this bothers him. Staring at the child's form he doesn't realize he's too scared to look at her face, at what he might find there. He hates her and nothing will ever change that, especially any weak useless notions of sentimentality. Breaking him out of his thoughts, he notices two eyes shine in the night at him and a small frightened voice speaks.
"Are you going to kill her?"
He says nothing and vanishes into the darkness.
The weeks turn into years and soon the child is walking and talking. She knows who her father is, yet she does not call him by that title, he won't allow it. He is a dark cold figure that haunts the hallways of the house; he is unapproachable and exceedingly cruel much to his daughter's confusion and pain.
"Sesshomaru-sama! Chiyo got flower for you!" she pipes one day seeing him down the hall on an off chance they encounter each other. She bolts off before Nana can stop her, Chiyo knows that she is told to stay away from him, and she knows time and time again he will reject her, hurt her, strike her. But each time will be different in her mind, there's something she's doing wrong as to why he doesn't like her and she is determined to show her father her love and he will love her in return. As she gets closer to him she doesn't notice the look on his face and the change of his body posture. She doesn't notice the fear in Nana's face as she runs after her trying to catch her before she gets too close. She never notices.
When she gets to him, she is panting and smiling and proudly holds up a small yellow flower she picked from the grasses outside. She urges it towards him, for him to take it.
"For you," she insists.
He glares down at her briefly, at the small pudgy hand bearing a small unsuspecting gift. He wants to snap her neck in that moment. But he doesn't.
With delicate long fingers, he takes the flower from her holding it at arms length, although he never looks at it. Or her. The child's eyes light up in hopeful anticipation all too quickly before they suddenly see a flashing glow of green literally melting her gift in his fingertips. She feels a sharp burning pain on her hand as she sees his poison is dripping onto her flesh.
"I don't like flowers." His voice is spiteful and cold and burns far more deeply than the caustic liquid eating her skin. He turns and slowly walks away hearing an outraged Nana curse at him under her breath, calling him a monster, a cold hearted bastard.
Perhaps she is right, he thinks.
Outside, under the cool water from the well and herbs that are applied to her wounds, Chiyo finally asks Nana why her father hates her so much.
Nana smiles and holds her close. She questions in her mind why she ever told the child who her father was why she stayed with him at all. She thought of leaving with her many times, but hoped he would come out of his grief and misplaced anger and accept his own flesh and blood.
"He doesn't hate you," she tells her softly while rocking her. "He misses your mother."
Chiyo doesn't understand, but doesn't ask any further.
Years continue to pass, and he still has not killed her. This puzzles Sesshomaru. He wants to love her, to hold her dear to his heart as his precious child, but he cannot. He has tried and yet he cannot forgive her, even though he knows it is not her fault. Logically, intellectually, he knows this. But when he looks at her, all he sees is the reason for his pain, the person who caused it all. It is selfish and insane and is destroying the only thing he has in this world, but he does not care.
Every year she grows a little older, a little taller and more like her. Everyone says she looks just like her mother (although not in his presence, he still hears it), and it makes his skin crawl in a way he never imagined. He despises her, hates her and wonders to this day why he has allowed her to live this long. Perhaps it is because she looks too much like her. Sesshomaru is never sure of this, and just passes it off as something he has yet to do.
He has left several times during her life for months at a time, usually unnecessarily long just to be away from home. Coming back at all is sometimes an action he must talk himself into. There is nothing there for him any longer and burning it to the ground with everyone in it is sounding like a plausible plan.
When he is not gone waging battle, he is usually in the local bath house passing time through a blur of bad sake and forgettable women. They're friendly, attentive and doting and make him feel good. Like he used to feel. Powerful and the center of the world. Not like the weak, inadequate shell of a man he is now. One that cannot even face a child. He is daiyoukai but yet now finds himself needing the baseless attention of money hungry prostitutes and overly grateful business owners. Pathetic.
But like all of these nights, they end in a nauseous haze and he returns to his home. Where an empty bed, a spiteful caregiver and a hated child await. He used to like his home, but now he finds himself feeling like he wants to go "home" when he's already there.
At 15, Chiyo is a star child. She has excelled in everything she has tried, and there is little that she hasn't accomplished at her young age. Even for being a hanyou she has far exceeded all preconceived expectations of her. But it is not for them.
It's to show she is worthy of fleeting attention.
It's to prove she isn't worthless or a drag on her family.
It's to show him that she can carry his blood with honor and pride.
But he doesn't see her. They're still family, still related by blood, but you would never know that if it were not for the tell tale stripes down her cheeks that mirror his own. You would never know if she wasn't constantly reminded by others she 'looks so much like her mother'. So much so, that on her night of change on the new moon, Nana had told her it was like seeing a ghost.
He sees her from time to time, he might even say a few strained meaningless words to her if he's caught in an uncomfortable situation. But he never sees her. He doesn't even seem to remember her being his only child. At least, only child she was aware of. Child of the woman he supposedly loved. The child she wanted so badly she risked and lost it all for. She was nothing to him but another body taking up his precious air. She could feel his hatred for her within a 100 yard radius of him. He emanated it and as she got older, his not so subtle cues of his feelings for her were all too painfully clear.
He would never forgive her for taking her mother's life.
One night she passes by him unexpectedly. Surprising her, he asks her to follow him. She wants to tell him no, to ignore him and give him a taste of what it's been like for her, but she can't deny him actually paying her some attention isn't what she wants. And so she does, down familiar walkways and hallways filled with memories of rejection and pain. They walk past the hallway where he burnt her hand so callously when she was small, and she subconsciously runs her fingers over her scar.
She thinks this would be a good time to bring up her recent graduation in kendo training. Maybe he would nod in approval or in the very least, acknowledge her in some form. As she starts he instantly cuts her off and stops in front of his bedroom. He tells her to wait as he goes inside. He comes back out with a small box and hands it to her and tells her it was her mother's and he wants her to have it. She asks him why and he tells her coolly that he is leaving to the mainland and that she should have something from her. She nods and accepts it, and wishes she wouldn't have followed him after all.
He is leaving and he has no intentions of bringing her with. She sees he is leaving everything, except her belongings. For the first time, she feels pity for her father and jealousy of her mother. She wonders what it is like to be loved so much that it would drive someone to the state her father is in. He will never move on, never forget, never forgive. This is how it will always be. He will never see her.
The night before he is leaving for good, is the night of the new moon. Chiyo is in her human form and knows she will never see him again. As much as she hates him for what he has done to her, she cannot deny she still needs his acknowledgment, his love. Her desperation leads her to the last thing she could ever possibly give him, the last thing she could think of that he would want from her.
Opening the door to his bedroom she sees him in his bed, unconscious. He has been home for less than an hour; he is drunk and still smells of the bath house. She truly wonders what he was like before, when she hears of these stories of his legendary feats and victories, his stoic pride and flawless image. Chiyo can hardly imagine him doing anything other than being a cruel womanizer and a drunk lost in his own self pity and hatred.
She approaches him, kneeling at the side of his bed. He doesn't seem to notice. Moving closer she softly says his name, hoping that he doesn't get confused and rip her head off thinking he's being snuck up on. No response. She says it again, a little more loudly and gently reaches out to touch his cheek. Her fingers come within an inch of his face and a hand snaps up over hers with blinding speed.
Heart pounding seconds pass in silence. The grip on her hand is painfully tight and she holds back a cry as it seems to get tighter with each passing moment.
"What is the meaning of this?" His voice shows he is obviously shaken by her appearance. He has never seen her in her human form and the resemblance to her mother is uncanny.
"I look like her, don't I?" She whispers. Not because she is trying to be quiet, but because she is so frightened of what he might do, her voice will barely come to her. She's never been this close to him, and it is so overwhelming she feels like she might pass out. "That's what they tell me."
Sesshomaru doesn't say anything to her, his eyes are wide and unchanged and are reminiscent of an animal caught and cornered. He isn't sure what she is pulling, if she is tricking him or just playing some cruel joke. But his mind won't wrap around what is sitting in front of him, and there for the first time in 15 years is Rin in his eyes.
"I have tried everything I could think of to make you love me, but none worked. I...," she pauses and looks away from his eyes, feeling her resolve crumble under his presence alone. "I have this one last thing I can do. That I can give you."
Tears start to fall down her face, and she's not sure why, but she turns her head away and tries to hide it from him. She curses at herself for being so weak in front of him,this is probably another reason why he hates you. "I'm sorry, I'll go."
The grip on her hand eases but doesn't let go. In a careful deliberate movement, she is pulled closer to him as he sits up.
"Let me... look at you," he manages to say.
She nods and moves the hair from her face while trying to wipe away the evidence of her tears. She begins to calm down as she realizes he isn't going to strike her or throw her out like apiece of trash. She has value to him now, and that it is value in someone else through her, doesn't seem to matter. When she raises her eyes to meet his there is a look upon her father's face she has never seen and will never forget. It is of sadness and complete vulnerability; she can visibly see tears in his eyes and it disturbs her deeply. In his state of raw emotion, being so uncharacteristically weak and open, she wants to leave. The feeling of everything changing, things that have always been her entire life, is too much for her and she shifts to move away from him.
But he won't let her leave, and he grabs her waist and pulls her against him. Her entire body freezes in disbelief. His head is in her neck, on her shoulder and he is muttering something she can't understand. She slacks in his powerful grip and wraps her arms around his head and holds him. Things may be changing, but it suddenly didn't matter as much as it did that her father was holding her for the first time in her life.
Innumerable minutes pass and Sesshomaru finds himself caught up in this illusion. He knows somewhere inside this is not real and what he is really doing. But he decides in intoxicated logic he is too drunk to decide what is real and what is not. Rin is in his bed. She looks like Rin, smells like Rin and is here. Warm and alive. He needs to feel her, closer and deeper, to crawl inside her skin and never let go.
Whatever inhibition, doubt or self-control Sesshomaru has leaves, and before Chiyo knows it, she is on her back under his weight. He leans down to kiss her and she turns her head away in some kind of reflex, out of all that was happening kissing him felt disgustingly wrong. A silent understanding between them occurs and he doesn't try again. It is too intimate, something between lovers, and that isn't what this is about.
There is no time wasted, everything seems to be rushed, frenzied, like he is a teenager way to eager on his first time. But he wants it before it was too late, before he comes to his senses, before he sobers up and realizes what a monster he truly is. She couldn't tell the difference, she had never been touched by a man before, and every touch of his fingers, tongue and mouth are intensely arousing to her inexperienced body. She opens herself to him freely and wantonly, letting her mind get swept up in what is happening to her. She has never felt so powerful, so alive and so undoubtedly wanted as she does in that moment. It is the most powerfully intoxicating feeling Chiyo has ever felt in her life.
It is quick and rough and exceedingly painful. It is burning and tearing and blood, but he does not slow or take care. She bites her lip to hold back from crying, tears stream down her face as she takes in a broken breath of agony. He is too big, she is too small and it was too rushed. But she can't help but smile because it is wrong and divine and exactly what she wanted. Never again will he dismiss her as nothing,never again can he say she is worthless. Even if he strikes or rejects her, she knows that he knows what has occurred and what he did.
When he finishes and slacks against her, he immediately comes to his realization and finds himself unable to move. If he looks at her, he knows he will die from shame. What has he done?
When he finds the ability to move his body, he quickly flips off of her and onto his back, his arm resting over his eyes in degradation. Chiyo slowly gathers her clothing and can't help but feel elated and sated at what has happened. She hurts, burns and it is painful to sit, but it doesn't matter. She doesn't care.
Sesshomaru finally acknowledged her in a way that he could ever acknowledge another. She means something to him other than the woman that killed his lover. She is her reincarnated, and she knows he will never again want her dead as long as she has the night of the new moon. He sees her.