"Loveless" That name. It seemed so horrible, so unkind. When he had asked why he kept being called loveless, when he had been told it was his true name... That stab of pain in his heart was almost unbearable. His worst fear was that his mother would never love him again, because the true Ritsuka was gone. Gone away and never to return. That was right wasnt it? Thats what his mother told him. But... couldnt she love the new Ritsuka, the one who could remember the last two years. The one who tried so hard to be perfect, to be the best he could be. He was afraid that she never would, that no one would love him. Ever. He found it so hard to make friends, they wanted to be his friend, they wanted to know all about him. But... he just found it difficult when he wanted to be alone. He did want to be alone didnt he? But, if he did then why was it when he was alone he would think about how wonderful it must be to have friends. How wonderful it must feel to be loved. Not a friend love. Not the love he used to get off his mum, off his brother. But real love. The love he heard the other people in his class talking about - where you feel like part of you is no longer missing, where you want to hold and kiss and feel that other person. The person you would love...
But Loveless. Did it mean no one loved him yet? Or that he wasnt destined to find love? Any love. Not even the motherly love where his mother wouldnt try to hurt him, or would cry because she hated him now. Because he wasnt perfect. He wasnt Ritsuka.
But then there was Soubi... he was mysterious, always smiling, always calm. And he had said he loved Ritsuka. He had said he loved him. Ritsuka didnt know whether he was being honest or not. How could he love him when they had only spent one day together, making memories. That smile... how he had smiled when he realised what making memories meant. "This is making memories?" He had asked, looking at the camera. Ritsuka had nodded, if he didnt have the photos then he couldnt remember. Well...he could. But what would he do if he lost his memory again. Like before. At least now he had photos for the last two years he could remember, so if his memory left again it would be okay. Because the photos woulds help him remember. The photos held the story of his new life. His life as the new Ritsuka. He wished he knew what the other Ritsuka had been like, because then he could become him again. All he knew was he had been perfect. Thats why his mother had loved him. Thats why she didnt love the new Ritsuka. But Simie did. Semie would. Semie would love Ritsuka no matter what, because Semie had been perfect. Only perfect people get hurt... Only perfect people get killed like that. Because their perfect, and imperfect people with cruel hearts get jealous. Very Jealous. But if Semie loved the new Ritsuka because he was perfect, then that meant his mother wasnt perfect... Yes. She wasnt perfect. But she didnt have a cruel heart. She never meant to hurt Ritsuka like that... did she?
Thinking about it all confused Ritsuka, and he wanted to see Soubi again. Because he had said he loved him. Because he was Semies friend. Only perfect people could be Semies friends. Because Semie wouldnt be friends with people who arent perfect. Would he? Ritsuka wished he knew. He wished Semie was still alive. He wished he could remember all of his life and he wished his mother still loved him.
Maybe he wished for too much.
Maybe he just shouldnt wish at all. Shouldnt have hopes or dreams. But...if you dont have a dream, then you cant have a dream come true.
"I dont care... if you dont have a dream then you dont have to face the dissapointment when the dream doesnt come true." Said Ritsuka sadly. Yes, that was right. That was good. Not to have dreams. Not to have anything. If you dont have anything then you havent got anything to lose. Yes. That was right.
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