Running away, forget yesterday.
Inside, I knew Gerard was the only one who would ever really understand me. We were made for each other, and that was obvious when we were still in our teens, but I still couldn't forget what happened. The baby was supposed to bring us together, but instead, it tore us apart. So after five months of struggling to fight for what I knew was right, I chose to let it crumble into a pile of nothing put broken pieces.
It was Ronnie's suggestion that I tell Gerard about us that made me realize what I wanted to do. So after much debate, Ronnie and I decided that instead of moving to Las Vegas together, where he currently had a place, we would move to Los Angeles instead. So as he set about finding a place to rent and getting our tickets, I slowly packed some important things and moved them to Ronnies hotel. This was tricky, considering Gerard was almost always at my side, so I decided to tell him that I started running in the mornings so that I could sneak out.
Finally came the day that Ronnie and I were to get away. All day, my heart raced, for fear that somehow Gerard would find out and stop me from going. But I knew it was impossible, for unless he had someone following me, then he had no reason to suspect anything because he was simply to high in the clouds.
When he stepped out to get some cigarettes that evening, I pulled out my duffel bag from the closet and emptied my dresser drawers into it. I stuffed it to the point where the zipper looked at if it was going to rip, so I pulled out a couple of the sweaters that I had taken from Gerard at some point, folded them neatly, and placed them in a drawer. I didn't even think that when he found them, he would think I had done it to make him feel worse.
After I had stored the bag in the closet in the hall, I walked around the apartment, making sure that nothing else I needed was left behind, and then I made a quick call to Ronnie; Gerard was due back any minute.
"I finished packing," I said without a greeting.
"You've got everything?"
"Yes, but-" I paused and for a split second, wondered if I was doing the wrong thing.
"You're not going to change your mind are you?" he asked. His voiced oozed with worry, which seemed to reassure me that it was in fact, the best thing for all parties involved.
"No. I want to be with you."
On the other end, he breathed a sign of relief.
"Okay. I'll be outside the building at 2. But you need to be ready to go right away. The flight is at 4."
"I know, we've been through this a few times."
"Sorry, I just want it all to work."
I heard a key in the door, and I said quickly, "Gotta go, I'll be ready," and hung up. I grabbed the book sitting on the coffee table and opened it to a page. I pretended not to notice that he hadn't walked into the room.
"Is it any interesting?" he asked with his smooth voice.
"Nah, I just wanted to see what you were reading."
"What do you wanna do tonight?"
I looked at the clock on the cable box. It was only 6:30. We had already eaten, and I knew I had to do something to pass the time or else it would go too slow. Suddenly, it dawned on me that this might be the last time I would see Gerard for possibly a long time, and that maybe we should at least have sex one more time before I disappeared.
"Well, I'm actually feeling in the mood to stay in tonight." I stood up, pulled him towards me, and then pushed him onto the couch. I straddled him, and started biting his neck, because I knew how much he liked that.
"I'm more in a giving mood," I whispered in his ear, and I could feel him grin.
"Maybe I am, too."
I awoke the next morning, smiling to myself because my head was still filled with the events of last night. It seemed like it was never going to end, and I wish it hadn't. She had never done that much for me before, and I hoped that she would do it more often.
I rolled over in bed to wrap my arms around her, but my arms found nothing but air. I opened my eyes to see that her side of the bed was already made. I checked the clock and it was only 8.30. I figured she had probably gone for a run because she had just recently started it. I went to the front closet to see if her running shoes were gone, but they sat on the floor beside a pair of her heels. I noticed that her regular shoes were gone, which made me all confused.
I went into the living room and kitchen, nothing seemed odd, but it didn't look like she had been there. I checked the guest room, and the washroom, and that's when I noticed something was different; she always had her perfumes and makeup stuff lined up to the side of the sink, but all that was there were was a few q-tips and cotton balls. Just like a light bulb, dread switched on inside of me, and I rushed back to the bedroom. Immediately, I went over to the closet and wrenched open the doors. All of her shoes remained, except for her favourite red heels I had bought her not too long after we came back from tour.
The clothes that hung on the hangers were mostly mine, but what was hers still hung on hangers. But when I looked more closely, I noticed that some of them were bare, unlike before. I pivoted on the spot, and looked towards the dressers. My heart started racing as I slowly walked over to them. It almost felt as if I was watching myself from afar. I saw my arm slowly reach out and pull the top drawer open, then the second one, and I didn't even have to open the third one to know that it was empty too. But when I did, I saw two of my sweaters sitting, neatly folded, ones that she had taken from me, ones that she slept in, one that she wore as we had sex.
Me knees grew week, my whole body shook, and I fell to the ground. I sobbed, continuously, tears and snot dripping down my face, but I didn't care. Nothing seemed to matter at the moment. The one person who I loved more then life itself had walked out of my life. This time, it felt even worse then the first time she had left me, back when we had just graduated. This time, I actually had her. There was no 'what if's', it was a for sure thing, and she chose to leave it all for-
Suddenly, my devastation had turned to anger. There was only one person she could have left me for; the only thing I didn't get was how it happened. I hadn't noticed anything weird. Everything seemed perfect, maybe a little too perfect.
As if another switch had been flicked, I became enraged. Last night, the past few weeks, maybe even months, had all been a lie. Suddenly, I had so many thoughts that I never would have believed I would think, and I had to sit back and calm myself down. But that didn't change the fact that she was gone, and she was somewhere out there with Ronnie, the son of a bitch who I, at one time, had considered a friend.