And I know when I die, you'll be on my mind...
It was an 13 hours flight, sitting between a big smelly guy and his equally big and smelly wife.
Gerard sucks as arranging shit like that. Last time he got me a ticket on an 5 AM flight.
I poured coffee in a plastic cup and fastened the lid on it, it was my 998 cup that day and still no relief on the headache situation. I wish they'll speed through the songs and get it over with, I mean people already have the Cd's, all they want to see is Gerard and Frank suck faces so give them that and let's go and sleep a couple years!
I lay on the leather sofa in the dressing room, the noise there wasn't really that bad.
My body was heavy and tired and I dozed off with the coffee still in my hand.
"Sunshine", I felt a gentle pat on my head.
It was strange, it was Gerard's voice but Frankie's word.
I opened my eyes to see Gerard's sweaty face, "What the fuck?"
"Yeah what the fuck?", Frank was standing only in his jeans with his shirt in his hands instead of on his body.
Gerard rolled his eyes, "Fuck what did I say"
"You aren't my sunshine", I murmured, cuddling into a ball, deeper into myself, it was cold all of the sudden.
Frankie smiled a little to himself, he was fiddling with the shirt.
"I'm not?", Gerard pretended to pout, "I wanna be your solar system"
Now it was Frankie's turn to roll his eyes, he added a little gagging motion too.
"You are but not my sunshine", I pulled his face closer to me to block Frankie's commentary out of my sight.
Gerard wrapped his arms around me, "I wanna a nickname too"
"You can't just get a nickname", I chuckled.
"Cause you gotta earn it"
"Is it a rule?"
"Hmm", I nodded.
"How did Frankie earn his then?"
How did he? I don't really remember, he just always was my sunshine on rainy days, always making me smile if by funny things he said or just a heart to heart, he'd hurt himself to see me smile and what sunshine won't do it? So I called him sunshine and he answered back, it was a routine, never thought of, never questioned, just something understandable, he was my sunshine, and no one ever doubted it.
Bear, the security guard entered the room with a bunch of other security guards, they started talking loudly and their walkie talkie creaked and beeped and I felt like I was gonna die of the sound in my head, they were like 94039 times louder then usual.
I told Gerard I'd wait outside, we were supposed to drive to the hotel and go out but I didn't think I'll make it, my body was heavy and aching, I was tired.
Each step was hard to make, I also had to get Gerard off my back, he was like a fucking fussing mother!
'Oh you're too pale'
'Oh let's go to the doctors'
'Oh did you eat?'.
All I needed was a good sleep in his arms, the whole moving in our new house was exhausting and it wore me out.
I crouched in a dark corner with my cold coffee in my palms, I saw the waiting fans and some could see me, they recognized me and waved, I waved back, smiling faintly.
"Always on your knees", A voice echoed behind me.
"You?", I gasped, surprised to see the owner, "What are you doing here?"
"I came to teach someone a lesson"
Before I could say anything they pulled out a little gun, I think it was a ladies gun, the kind you can fit in your purse, "Live on your knees, die on you knees", they cocked it back and a loud bang filled my head.
I was overwhelmed, do I die now?
But the sharp pain in my chest cleared all my whizzing thoughts, I guess this is how it feels to be sliced open.
Like you can't breathe, and there was so much blood, I couldn't stop it with my hand which automatically shot to my chest, it was pouring, hot and thick.
I always said I'm wounded on the inside but it was nothing like this.
I supported myself with my hands so now i was on my fours and in a puddle of spilled coffee and blood, panting and gasping for air, after all these years of being suicidal I never thought I'd gasp for air.
The fans outside figured out what happened and started screaming, there were noises in the hall but I was caught up in my own pain, I was praying for it to end, it was just too much.
They lie when they say you die once and it's over, dying was a bitch, it gripped you and wouldn't let go.
I collapsed on the floor, my eyes closed and I was finally letting go, everything was distant.
I just knew I'll be gone in a few minutes, I wish Gerard would just kiss me goodbye instead of screaming for me to hold on.
I hope he'd remember to give Duncan the biscuit he likes and not the other kind...God he doesn't know so much about me...About my poems...And about my love for him...And about who's my killer...But I'm taking that to my grave where I'll rot and never see daylight again...I will be a memory...Not much longer now...I can't feel anything anymore...Just a little while till my brain shuts down...And my heart stops beating...And I'll go cold...Like I always wanted....
Time of death 23:40, January 29th, 2005.