!01-30-06!: This is the first fiction I ever wrote. Have patience.
So Paul and Benji were now together. Did I care? No. I was happy for them, but I felt bad for Joel. I loved him a lot and I hated to see him in such pain. I wished I could do something for him, but I couldn't. What's that you say? You didn't think I was gay? Well, I like to have makeover parties with my girlfriends and I wear pink eye shadow. What does that tell you? If you hadn't figured it out by that, then I am so sorry. Oh whoo hoo, here comes Joely and Benji.
"Lil' Billy!!!" Benji exclaimed.
"How ya doin buddy?" Joel asked. I faked a smile and said ok.
"Well that's just great." Paul said with a wide grin.
"Peachy." I said and hunched back over my sketchbook.
"Whatcha drawin'?" Joel asked.
"Nothing." I replied and slammed the book shut.
"Aw, come on." Benji said.
"Let us look." Paul said.
"No." I said. I didn't want to show them. It was Joel's name, with a bleeding black rose next to it. 'Joel' was written in blood, but since it was a sketch, you couldn't tell that.
"Pweese!!!" Joel begged.
"No." I mumbled, trying to shove the book back in my bag.
"C'mon Lil Billy!" Benji persisted.
"NO!! WHY THE HELL DO YOU CARE SO MUCH?!" I yelled. I don't know why I was mad. I don't know why I was yelling. I don't know why I was anything.
"Whoa. Step back and breathe man." Paul said with a surprised look on his face.
"We were just curious." Benji said innocently.
"Well maybe you shouldn't be." I said coldly.
"Dude, what the hell is wrong with you?" Joel asked. I shot him a glare.
"Apparently everything." I answered. It was true. To Joel, I was everything wrong. I hated it. He would never love me the way I love him. Never. It made me sick thinking about it. Not disgusted sick, sadly sick. It caused me so much pain; I just wanted it to end. I knew exactly how it would end too...
It was almost the end of the school day and I was going nuts. I needed to see Paul. I needed to feel his lips against mine, his tongue inside my mouth. I needed to feel him.
"Mr. Madden." I was interrupted by my thoughts by the teacher.
"What?!" I asked in an annoyed tone. I hated this teacher. He taught science, he was as white hot flaming as a flamer guy could get and his name was Mr. Earhart.
"Don't get all snippy with me." he said.
"Well, what do you want?!" I asked. I really had no patience for this guy.
"Young man..." he started.
"That's right, I am a young man...a young man that doesn't want to get raped. So stay away from me." I retorted. Earhart glared at me.
"Pay attention or I'm gonna have a cow on you." he said, face getting red.
"Well, we don't need anymore Lauren's running around and if you did that, someone would be out of a job..." I said coolly. The class started to laugh.
"Listen to me, I do not want to tolerate this kind of behavior."
"Well, I don't want to tolerate you. Doesn't like either of us are getting what we want, now does it??"
"I am the teacher and YOU are the student." he said.
"You're a teacher that lives with his mom still, and you're 25. That's sad dude. I pity you." I said.
"I pity you're mother for having to put up with you." he said, face inches away from mine.
"Get out of my face." I said pushing him away. He grabbed my wrist and with his other hand punched my jaw. I spit out blood and looked at him with a look that could kill. I jumped up and threw my desk out of the way.
"FUCKER!" I yelled and lunged at him. I knocked him to the floor. We got into this huge fight. The pussy nerd of the class called down the principle and Airhead and I were torn apart. Both of us were bruised and a little bloody.
"FUCK YOU!" I yelled.
"Name a place and I'll be there." he said with a grin.
"You're a fuckin pedophile." I said in disgust. He gave me a grin and blew me an air kiss. I lunged at him again, but the school police held me back. As they led him away, I strained against the police to wrap my hands around Earhart's throat and strangle him. As soon as he was gone, the principle only gave me a months worth of detentions as to how Earhart attacked me first.
"I can't believe this." I said while we were walking home. I was holding the slip in my hand.
"A whole month? It should have been at least a week or two."
"Just be thankful that you weren't suspended or expelled." Paul said.
"I guess. At least mom won't completely kill me." I said.
"If she did, then well, I wouldn't have anyone to kiss." Paul said. He then leaned in to kiss me.
"Uh, Billy wait up!" Joel said, looking for a reason to leave Paul and me.
I've got a plan, but in order to make that plan work I need- my thoughts were interrupted by Joel.
"Hey Lil' Billy!" he said, putting his arm around me.
"Hello." I said quietly.
"What's been bothering you Lil' B?" he asked.
"Everything." I answered.
"Care to share?" he insisted.
"Fine." I said. I grabbed his face and then kissed him.
"There, now that I did that and you are completely shocked and appalled, I'll leave." I said. I left him there to think about that. He stood in my wake, wide eyed and jaw dropped.
I was so lost. Billy just kissed me, in the middle of broad daylight. Paul and Benji caught up with me and stopped.
"Dude, you're gonna drool if you don't remember to swallow your spit. The key is to have your mouth closed." Benji said, while pushing my jaw up.
"Did-did you-??? DID YOU SEE THAT?!" I exclaimed.
"Um, no." Paul said.
"Billy! He just-and I was-and then..." I said.
"Put it together in your head first and then try to speak." Benji said.
"Billy just kissed me!" I exclaimed. Now it was Paul and Benji's jaws that dropped.
"You're kidding. I always thought he was straight! Then again, I always thought I was straight..." Paul said in a disbelieving voice.
"No, I'm not!" I exclaimed.
"Do you like him?" Benji asked.
"No Benji. You know I still love you." I answered. Benji looked down at the floor. I lifted his head.
"As long as you're happy, I'm happy." I told him. He made that adorable half grin of his.
"You have to talk to him." Paul said.
"I know." I replied.
*Joel called Billy and Billy is now at the twins' house*
"Billy, dude, I love you as a friend. I'm sorry, but I don't love you the way you love me. I love my brother." I said. Billy stared at me intently with those blue pools that other people called his eyes. To tell the truth, he was creeping me out. His brown hair hung down in front of his face shading parts of his eyes. He was leaning forward in a chair with his elbows on his knees.
"Ok Joel." he said in a quiet, slightly creepy I-know-something-you-don't voice.
"Billy. Don't hate me. Please." I said.
"Hate you? Never." he said seriously.
"Can I have one last kiss at least?" he asked innocently. Why the hell not? We had already kissed once, what could it hurt to do it one more time??
"Sure." I answered. He leaned in and our lips connected. It lasted a while and since it was calm and not forced as before, I realized that Billy wasn't bad at kissing. Not bad at all.
"I love you Joel, remember that." he said, and then kissed me once more. He got up and walked out of the house. I put my head between my knees and my hands over my head. He hates you. I thought.
"How did it go?" I heard Benji ask from the door. I got up and walked towards him. For the first time, I realized that there were tears in my eyes.
"Dude, are you ok?" he asked me. I tried to walk past him, but since he was stronger, he was able to hold me back easily.
"Joel? Buddy?" he asked, trying to make eye contact with me. I knew his eyes were full of concern. I looked up.
"I think I just lost one of my best friends..." I said, trying to keep my voice steady.
"Dude, I'm sorry." Benji said. He pulled me into a hug and I did not want to let go.
"I didn't want him to hate me." I cried into his shoulder.
"It's okay man. It'll get better." He assured me.
"You always say that." I said.
"Does it happen?" he asked. I stopped and thought about it.
"Yeah," I answered, "but I think you're wrong about this one."
"Have faith dude. Have some faith that it'll happen." He cooed.
"Paul's lucky to have you." I cried.
"Well. I'm lucky that you're my brother."
"I don't deserve you."
"I don't deserve a lot of things and you are defiantly one of them." he said. He led me to our bedroom and held me until I cried myself to sleep. I woke up the next day to an empty bed. I looked over at Benji's bed and saw him there, curled up hugging a whoobie. I smiled to myself and got out of bed to take a shower.
SAME DAY...JUST AT NIGHT...
"Joel thinks Billy hates him." I told Paul, he had come over after school.
"Billy can't hate Joel, it's a stupid thing to hate someone for." Paul replied. I nodded in agreement. Joel came back from the kitchen with our drinks.
"Here ya go." he said, handing Paul and I sodas.
"Thanks." Paul and I said in unison. I looked out the window.
"It's dark already??" I asked.
"Yeah, it's almost 9." Joel informed me.
"Shit! Seriously??" Paul asked. Joel nodded and took a sip of his soda. Paul jumped up and ran for the phone. From the other room, we heard him say, "I'm still over here. Yeah, we lost track of time. Sorry. No, I'm not dead. Ok. Love you too. Bye." Paul came back in the room and sat down. I put my head on his shoulder and closed my eyes. I felt him put his arm around me. I suddenly felt this ebbing confused, frustrated and worried feeling. I opened my eyes and looked at Joel.
"Dude, you need to stop worrying. Things will clear up." I said.
"I can't help it Benj. You should've seen the way he was looking at me. He looked crazy. It kind of scared me." He said.
"So I felt." I answered. Just then, there was a knock on the door.
"I'll get it." I said. I got up and went for the door. I opened it and saw the visitor.
"Hey Billy." I said slowly.
"Hello, Benjamin." he replied in a creepy, quiet voice. He was decked out in black and he was wearing a fishnet shirt under his plain black, short sleeved one. He was staring at me through strands of his hair.
"You ok dude?" I asked. He wasn't acting like himself. He was acting different.
"Peachy." he answered and walked inside. I shut the door and followed him to where Joel and Paul were. I stood in the doorway and Billy stood a little way in front of me.
"Joel, I've been thinking. I think I've figured out a solution. I feel that I am 100% right about my decision." he said.
"What are you going to do?" Joel asked. I could feel his fear. It wasn't major, but little pangs.
"I love you, you love Benji, Benji loves Paul and Paul loves Benji right?" he asked.
"That's right." I said, "What are you getting at?" Billy turned to look at me.
"I wasn't talking to you." he said coldly.
"Ok then." I said backing off. He turned back to Joel.
"Well, my solution is that I get rid of what's holding you down." Billy continued. My eyes darted to Joel and then to Paul.
"No," Joel said shaking his head. "You can't get rid of Benj."
"Oh, but I can, and I will. He's in your way." Billy muttered.
"You're crazy." Paul said. He walked over to me and hugged me.
"You two make me sick. Don't you see that that kind of shit hurts Joel?? You do it right in front of him as if he had no feelings. He never says anything and automatically think that it's ok." Billy yelled.
"Dude, I'm fine with it." Joel insisted.
"No you're not! Stop lying to yourself!" Billy exclaimed.
"Where are you going to send Benji to get rid of him?" Paul asked.
"The question is not 'where' but 'how'." Billy said. He reached for the hem of his shirt and lifted it up a little. From his belt loop, he pulled out a knife.
"Whoa. Billy." Paul said putting his hands out.
"It has to be done. Move Paul. I don't want to hurt you."
"No! You're not going to hurt him!" Joel yelled and jumped in front of me as well.
"Joel, the last thing I want to do is hurt you." Billy said.
"Then why the hell are you doing this?" Joel exclaimed.
"Listen, Billy." I said, staring at the knife.
"You don't have to do this."
"But I do. Imagine if Paul loved someone else and you couldn't have him. Imagine how that would fucking feel." Billy said. Paul was looking at him with immense anger in his eyes.
"I couldn't imagine it." I said still looking at Paul.
"Exactly." All of a sudden, Joel was thrown out of the way and against the wall.
"Stay away from him!" Paul yelled. Billy slashed his stomach and Paul fell to the floor.
"Billy...stop. I'm your friend. I was there for you when those jocks wouldn't stop beating you. I helped you stand up to them. I helped you with all those girls you had problems with. Think of all the shit we've been through together. Think of all the times I've helped you out." I said panicked. Tears were forming in my eyes and they were running down my cheeks.
"I remember...and I thank you. But now, you have to go." he said. Joel came around just as the cool steel of the menacingly glinting blade entered my stomach. I felt the cold 3 or 4 more times.
I could swear that I heard Billy muttering "/all of my hate can not be found, I will not be drowned by your thoughtless scheming, so you can try to tear me down, beat me to the ground, I will see you screaming.../" As I fell to the floor, Joel ran over to Paul and me and bent down next to us.
"Joel, tell our families that we loved them." I said. I groped around weekly for Paul's cold, dead hand. When I found it, I held on tight. I saw the tears in Joel's eyes and I felt the screaming pain inside of him.
"Benj, hold on. I'll call 911 for an ambulance...you and Paul will be ok." I said. I heard Billy laugh behind me.
"As much as I would have loved to see them fight for their lives, I decided to cut the phone line anyway." he said.
"Paul's already dead. You and I both know it...tell our families we love them." Benj repeated.
"Tell them yourself." I said with a weak smile. He returned an identical one. I wanted to scream out...cry...I wanted Benji and Paul to hold each other one last time. I wanted them to hold me one last time. But it was I who was holding them. I knew Benj could sense my feelings and he grabbed my hand.
"I love you Joel. Don't worry, things will get better." he half whispered. He still had the smile in his expression. I knew that that was the last thing he would ever say to me.
"Benj?? Paul?? You guys can't leave me. Don't leave me alone. Benj! I've always had you through anything! YOU CAN'T LEAVE NOW!!! NOT NOW!!!" I yelled. I shook them, hoping that miraculously they would wake up and be fine.
"You guys??" I asked, tears cracking my voice. "Please wake up." I begged.
"They're not going to. You and I are alone now, Joel." Billy said. I ignored him.
"Benji...Paul...WAKE UP!!!" I shouted. I looked up at the ceiling. "WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME?!?!?" I screamed at God. "WHY THE HELL ARE YOU DAMNING MY FAMILY?! I HATE YOU!!! I FUCKING HATE YOU!!!!" I bent over Paul and Benji. "I love you guys." I whispered. I kissed their foreheads and did the hardest thing I ever had to do in my life. I let them go. I didn't love Paul the way I loved Benji, but the losses impacted equally. I turned and saw Billy leaning against a counter and drinking out of a soda can.
"What do you want to do now?" he asked. I gave him a look of pure hatred.
"Stop it Joel, you're turning me on." he said.
"You killed my brother. You killed Paul." I muttered.
"That I did. But look at the bright side! You and me are together now." he said.
"Over my dead body." I hissed. He laughed and pointed towards Benji and Paul.
"As you can see, that can be arranged." he said. I lunged at him.
"YOU STUPID FUCKER!!!" I yelled.
"Joel, this is a great position." he laughed. I punched every part of him that I could.
"You sick bastard!" I shouted. Out of blind fury, I grabbed the knife stained with Benji and Paul's blood and started to stab him; over and over non-stop. I then stood up and stood over him. His face was in a surprised expression, hands on the stab wounds.
"How that for a turn on??" I asked coldly before dropping the knife. It landed blade first into his forehead. His expression remained surprised. Soon I realized that there were red and blue flashing lights out side. The neighbor's must have heard the ruckus and called 911. The cops and both me and Paul's families burst through the door. I was caught standing over Billy's body. Both mothers screamed.
"Joel! What on earth-??" my mom said. Paul's mom screamed when she saw Paul.
"OH MY LORD!!! PAUL!!! PAUL!!! MY BABY!!!" she screamed and ran to his side.
"He's gone Mrs. Thomas. When Billy slashed him, he was beyond help." I said. She looked at me.
"Billy did this??" she asked. I nodded and looked at Paul and Benji's lifeless bodies. I couldn't stand it. I looked away.
"Benji..." Sarah gasped. Josh pushed past her.
"Benj??" he asked. Mom stood there in shock.
"Mom, there was nothing I could do. Billy went crazy. He had cut the phone line so I couldn't call for help. I was afraid to leave Benji alone. I admit that I killed Billy." I said, "He killed my brother and best friend, then he came after me. So I killed him." Both families pulled me into an embrace. We stood there in a huddle. Tears were shed, swears were cursed, prayers were prayed.
"I'm so sorry Joel." Mrs. Thomas said.
"Benj and Paul wanted me to tell you that they loved you guys. Benji's last words were 'Don't worry, things will get better.'" I told them. After I said that, mom broke down into hysterics and buried her face into Josh's chest. Since Josh was oldest, he was the 'man of the house'. He was the one that had to be strong. He was trying to hold back tears. I felt someone tap me on the shoulder.
"Mr. Joel Rueben Madden, you are under arrest for the murder of William George Martin. You have the right to remain silent, anything you say can and will be used against you in the court of law. You have the right to an attorney..." the rest was blurred as he cuffed my hands behind my back. My mother cried harder. I looked down and allowed the officer to escort me out. He shielded my head as I got in the car. Both families followed me out as if they didn't believe I was getting hauled away. I watched them out of the window. As soon as they were out of sight, I focused on my shoes and let the tears fall.
*At the Hearing (At Court)*
As I was sentenced to 25 to life, I thought Benji's words, how they burned themselves into my memory and how they played over and over in my head like a broken record. I thought about my childhood with him. How, during the thunderstorms, I would get scared and Benji would hold me. He would always tell me "don't worry things will get better..." Don't worry, things will get better.../That's what he said when dad left, when mom went into the hospital because she kept getting sick, when we were low on money, when girlfriends dumped me, when I thought Billy hated me, /before he died/. I told him this time was different, I told him things wouldn't get better. He didn't listen to me. I didn't listen to me. As a result to our stupidity, he and Paul were dead and I was going to jail. As I was walking out of the courtroom, I looked at my family and then focused on my shoes again. I was going to jail for the rest of my life...and I didn't care. I looked up and prayed silently in my head to God. /I'm sorry God. Take care of Benj and Paul for me. I'll be seeing them soon...
*In The Jail Cell*
I snuck a pen in from the courthouse. I knew what I had to do. First night in, I wrote a letter to my family telling them that I loved them. The second night, at lights out, I got out the pen again.
"Now I lay me down to sleep..." I whispered. I dug the pen into my wrist. The pain was horrible, but nothing compared to what I felt emotionally.
"I pray the lord my soul to keep..." It went in deeper.
"If I die before I wake..." Nearly there...
"I pray the Lord my soul to take..." and then it hit. The pen hit my vein and broke it open.
"I'm coming you guys..." I whispered, "I'm coming." I started to feel light headed. I guess Benji was right, things always will better... Soon, and to my emotional and physical relief, everything went black and I fell into a sleep that was worth eternity.