Rated for smutt, in the process of being edited... It's Yugi's birthday! Slightly over used I know but I wrote it on my birthday! My first lemon so yeah...
(#) Irvine_Cypher 2008-04-20 07:19:46 AMif that was sleepover and everybody was there...i can imagine it. xD
it was good. there were some flaws, i just can't pinpoint it..some of your words are redundant..try using words with the similar meaning.
if that was your first lemon, i advise you to try reading yaoi manga, it will help you in describing their movements when they do "it", ok? ^_^
all in all, it was good.
Author's responseThanks very muchly ^o^
Yeah it was my first lemon but I've written and read more since then and I re-read this and I keep meaning to make alterations to it. It's my first fanfic actually ^^
I'm much more descriptive now but thank you for the PROs and CONstructive critasim ^^
(#) YamiAlchemist 2010-09-03 02:02:05 AMI liked it. I agree with Irvine
-Cypher, there were a few things that could have been changed. Like some of the words that you used repeatedly.
Other than that, it was nice. It was pretty good for your first time writing a lemon. A little rough, but you've said that you've become better.
Over all, nice story!
(#) CrimsonSun 2011-07-31 11:46:41 AMI don't know much about hentai, yaoi, or yuri myself, so I can't really give you any advice other than the over-use of the same words. Find synonyms of each word you see used often and find a thesaurus or a website that'll give you words with similar meanings.
Other than that, it was just awesome. I could picture everything being played out in my head. Yugi's adorableness and Yami's epicness. :)