(#) wesley 2008-04-13 06:08:31 AM
Well I like the outline of the story, and I like the characterization. There seems to be a bit of a balance in the story, I like that you have shown the Malfoy home though it wasn’t much. Also, the action has been pretty immediate.
There are however several a shortcomings.
There are several grammatical errors that are disruptive to read. Spelling mess ups and misused words. The scene with Karkaroff was a little disappointing. I liked that Harry has been shown using the unforgivable but I expected more for his betrayal than what Karkaroff got.
I would like to see a little more character interaction. I enjoyed Harry’s banter with the Parkinson’s. I like the raid on Azkaban but it would have been nice to have a little more fighting. Still it was alright.
Something that could be improved as well is sense of time in the story. there is very little that goes on and time seems to jump around. A little more filler would help with that.
Also, Harry is Voldemort’s apprentice he doesn’t seem to be very well informed. As far as operations. Though that could be a misimpression on my part, and Voldemort in cannon was said to keep his cards close to the vest. Still there is little sense of the dark lords plans for his death eaters.
Very interesting that Sirius was not arrested and imprisoned in this and that he is a head Auror.
A conversation between Bellatrix and Harry would be interesting. Anyway good luck with your next chapter.