Suze does the dishes and Jesse wants answers. Set right after "Darkest Hour" [Total Fluff]
Author: Cerasi J.
Summary: Suze does the dishes and Jesse wants answers. Set right after "Darkest Hour".
Disclaimer: I don't own Suze, Jesse, (But I WANNA!!! WHY CAN'T I?! ::Pouts and sucks thumb::), or anything from the books. It all belongs to Jenny Carroll, (Who'd better get her ass in gear and finish the fifth book!!)
Author's Note: This is the first Mediator fic I've ever written... so go easy on me, eh?
Warning: This is 100% pure fluff. You have been warned.
So Jesse kissed me. That totally surprised me. Or should I say, /freaked me out/. Jesse was actually a pretty good kisser, for a dead guy that is. Not that I have a lot of experience in that department or anything.
He kissed me for what seemed like only a minute. (Now I wish it would have been longer.) Then he looked at me all funny, with one of those un-readable expressions.
I looked up into his eyes and wondered if this meant he was my boyfriend now.
I smiled at him, and his face remained expressionless. Then, for some stupid reason, I got all dumb and giggly. I looked at my feet, blood rushing to my cheeks; I giggled and mumbled something like, "That was really nice."
"That was really nice?" What an ass I am, argh.
Now he did smile at me, and, I could have sworn, he blushed too. Now getting over my giggly-spell, it hit me. Jesse kissed me. JESSE KISSED ME!! And I'll I said was, "That was nice"? Oh. My. God. I am SUCH a loser.
So, making matters worse, I go, "Hehe... thanks."
Wow. And I wonder why guys don't like me.
Still blushing, Jesse replied quietly, "You're welcome, Susannah." Oh God, now what do I say? 'Hey, Jesse, would you mind doing that again?' AHH!!!
I cleared my throat and dared to look up at him, only to find he was gone.
Dopey poked his head in the door, "What are you staring at, Suze?" I spun around, "Um, nothing. I thought I saw a bug."
Of course, this freaked Dopey out. He said quickly, "Uh, me and Jake are gonna go to the beach, catch some waves. We'll be back in a few hours."
He slammed the door; I heard his footsteps pounding on the stairs. I blinked, okay, that was weird. My stepbrothers never tell me where they go, and I really don't care to ask. I stared out the window, watching them pull out of the driveway.
Suddenly, I didn't feel like going to the beach or calling Cee Cee. I wanted to spend my time with Jesse.
I turned from the window, almost crashing into Jesse, who was standing behind me. I jumped, "You have to stop scaring me like that!"
Ignoring me, he nodded out the window at Dopey and Sleepy driving away, "Where are they going?"
"Um," I stammered, "Surfing." He nodded and continued staring out the window. That's when I realized that I was trapped between Jesse and the window seat. Hm. I sneaked past him, brushing against his shoulder. He didn't even notice me.
I scampered across the room, to my bed. I reached under the pillow and pulled out my two hundred dollar check. I looked at it and grinned, oh yeah, this little baby would really aid the funds for my fall wardrobe.
"Why did you do it?" Jesse asked suddenly, not turning from the window. Startled at his sudden speech, I returned, "Do what?"
He turned from the window and looked me in the eyes, "You know. Why did you come to find me?"
"Oh..." Warning bells went off in my head. /Don't say the L word, don't say the L word/, my brain screamed. "Well..."
I shoved the check back under my pillow, turned and started down the stairs, "I have to do the dishes," I informed him. Which was weird, since I never do the dishes.
Jesse followed me down the stairs, "Why did you come find me?" He asked again.
I walked into the kitchen and picked up Dopey's bowl from the table, "Well," I said again, "You know... because of Spike, that stupid cat."
He sat down at the table, "The cat?"
"Yeah," I placed the bowl in the dishwasher, "The stupid thing would make so much noise, I couldn't sleep..."
Jesse blinked at me, "So, you're telling me, you basically died to come find me, to tell me that the cat missed me."
I smiled, "Yeah!"
"That's insane, Susannah." I picked another bowl up from the table, "It's not insane, I mean, I'd really miss you too, you know."
He arched an eyebrow at me, the eyebrow with the sexy little scar in it, "She admits it."
"I admit nothing, Jesse, you annoy me sometimes," I began to talk fast, the way I do when I get nervous, "and the fact that now, because of you, I have to change clothes in the bathroom is really annoying-..."
I was really talking fast now, I started stacking more and more stuff in the dishwasher, I tried to avoid looking at Jesse.
"And when you pop in on me in the middle of the night and scare the hell out of me? No, I don't like that at all." Jesse stood, with a smirk on his face. "A-and," I was starting to stutter, "and when you make me feel guilty, that drives me crazy."
Suddenly, I shrugged, put another plate in the dishwasher, and said, "Oh well, I love you, anyway."
Silence filled the room, you could have heard a pin drop.
Oh, my God. /Oh, my God/, what did I just say? What did I just get myself into?
Jesse kinda stared at me, startled. I knew I was in for it now. "Um," I said, "I mean, you know, as-... as a friend, you know?"
He took a few steps toward me, "Is that so, /querida/?" Kiss or no kiss, boyfriend or no boyfriend, I should have definitely not have said that.
I shut the dishwasher, "Um, yeah... that's so ... um... what's that mean, anyway? /Querida/?"
Jesse grinned at me, and took another step closer, "You've never answered my question, /querida/, why did you bring me back?"
Ugh, I really hate it when he calls me stuff in Spanish.
I backed up against the now closed dishwasher and looked at my feet, "I told you, already."
"You didn't bring me back just because of the cat, there has to be another reason, what is it?"
I racked my brains for an excuse, for some elaborate lie, I found nothing. I glanced into his liquid brandy-brown eyes and I forgot everything I was planning on saying, if it was possible to get lost in a guy's eyes, I was lost in Jesse's for sure.
"Uh, well," I started, wishing I could stop stuttering, "Well, I just didn't want you to be unhappy, you know?"
He crossed his arms over his chest, "Uh-huh, and why is it, Susannah, I drive you crazy but you care about my being unhappy?"
Oh God, he had me in a corner and we both knew it. Should I just tell the truth? HA! Tell the truth and risk him thinking I was a head case? I don't think so.
In reply to his question, I turned from him, shrugged and put the milk in the 'fridge. Jesse, who was now leaning against the sink with his arms still crossed over those killer abs, said, "Well?"
"You're not going to leave me alone about this, are you?" I asked, pulling a container of Chinese take-out from the refrigerator. He shook his head, "Why should I? I have a right to know."
That's right, I thought as I opened the container and peered inside, he does have a right to know why I came after him, and why I cried myself to sleep when he disappeared, and why I really don't mind him in my room so much anymore.
Sighing, I put the box in the mircowave, "You like Chinese take-out?" I asked lamely, duh Suze. Ghosts don't eat.
Jesse said nothing, just kept staring at me. I sighed again, knowing I could not escape the truth any longer.
"Look," I said, pulling a pair of chopsticks from the silverware drawer, "I came back for you because-... well, because-..."
Oh, God! I thought, just SAY it already!
I took a deep breath, "Well, because I really can't live without you."
There. I said it. He could leave me alone now. This statement seemed to surprise him, his arms dropped to his sides and he gaped at me.
Oh, God, what have I done?
"Uh," I played nervously with the chopsticks, "Yeah, I, uh, really you know DON'T want to live without you, anyway. I mean, life just wouldn't be as... exciting, shall we say."
He still said nothing, so, still babbling, I went on: "Yeah. And besides, when I couldn't find you around the house anywhere, it really scared me, I thought you had moved on-which you did-but it really scared me, I mean... to the point of..."
Oh no, I couldn't say that, I couldn't find it in me.
Jesse just kept staring at me, then he finally said, in his really deep, low voice, "To the point of what, Susannah?" The microwave buzzer went off, I opened the door and fiddled with the chopsticks some more.
"Uh, well," I dropped my voice to a whisper, embarrassed, "to the point of crying myself to sleep, if that means anything."
At this statement, he really seemed startled, "You cried yourself to sleep?" He questioned, "Over /me/?"
It was my turn to say nothing, I just played with the pieces of my chicken lo mein, praying that this convesation would end.
Still wearing his shocked expression, he asked, "/Why?/" I shrugged, in the way my mother hates. I stuck the chopsticks in the take-out container and stirred the contents inside.
He started to walk towards me, I didn't look up. "Maybe," he said with this playful grin I'd never seen before, "Maybe you actually care about something? Or someone?"
I kept jabbing the chicken pieces with my chopsticks, "Maybe a little /too /much," I mumbled. I was so embarrassed I didn't know whether I wanted to sit down and cry or just jump in the large hole in my backyard and never return.
And let me tell you, with all the crying I had done in the past week, I would have taken the hole in a New York Minute.
Jesse now stood beside me, looking down at me, still wearing that little I-know-something-you don't grin. "So," he said, "You can't live without me?"
I gave myself a mental slap, why oh WHY did I even say anything to him? I remained silent.
Did he have to keep embarrassing me like this? Hell yes, of course he did. It's what he lives for, I swear. Well, not lives for... since he's already dead, but you get the idea.
For some reason, I had the feeling that if I told him how I really felt, mean really, truly felt-like said the L word to him-I had the feeling he'd laugh at me.
Why, you ask? Call it a hunch, Agent Mulder.
I mean, he always does. When I'm trying to be serious about something the little jerk goes and laughs at me. Well, let me tell you, the next time he does it, I'm going to hear some nasal cartilage breaking.
"Ignoring me now, Susannah?"
I sighed and mumbled again, "I'm not ignoring you."
"Then why won't you answer my question?" I don't know what hit me, I really don't.
All of a sudden I go, "I did answer your question, and now you want to laugh at me, I can tell. Well, fine. Go ahead and laugh, see if I care."
I tried to keep the hurt out of my voice, but I couldn't. Tears sprang to my eyes for no apparent reason.
Now I didn't feel like beating up Jesse anymore, I just wanted him to love me back. Was that really so much to ask? I mean, it's not like I was asking for a cure for breast cancer or world peace or something.
Oh yeah, and I wanted to stop crying all the time, too. That was getting really annoying.
Jesse wasn't grinning anymore, "I wasn't going to laugh at you." Okay, this is where it gets really embarrassing. So, just then, I sniffled really loud and said: "Well, good, because you know what? I'm tired of you laughing at me all the time."
Oh, my God. WHY ME??? WHAT DID I EVER DO TO DESERVE THIS???
He kinda blinked at me and was stunned into silence. But, me, being the clever girl I am, has to continue, "You know, it's not like I asked for this job, okay?" At this point tears where running down my cheeks, I set the carton of food on the table, "It's not like I even wanted it, and it's brought me nothing but trouble. I'd like to be a normal person, you know? Like you used to be."
Oh geez, like this little statement had anything to do with my loving Jesse. Boy, I'm so smart.
/Please don't let me cry anymore/, I prayed, /please make me stop/. He was still wearing this expression that was of total shock and amazement.
Using the palm of my hand, I tried to scub away my tears, "And you're right," I sniffled again, "I can't live without you, my life just wouldn't be worth it anymore."
Hey, maybe I should try this whole I'm-so pathetic act sometime, it seems to work pretty good.
Jesse now looked worried and amazed at the same time. My thoughts rushed into my brain and spilled out before I had a chance to stop them.
"Oh Jesse," I gushed, "I thought you were gone forever, and-... and I'd never, ever see you again, and, I-I got scared a-and lonely, and then I realized how much I really-..."
I sniffled again. Oh man, I couldn't believe I was doing this. Bawling my eyes out, I mean.
He stared at me, he whispered, "Really what, Susannah?" I sniffled very loudly, my thoughts still continuing to run amok. "I realized how much I really n-needed you."
Suddenly, in my mind's eye, I saw Maria de Silva taunting me, saying, "Stupid little girl, did you honestly think Hector would ever really love /you/?"
My heart started beating really fast, and my knees felt weak. Of course Jesse didn't love me, why would he, a really handsome ghost guy, fall for the drippy Mediator girl anyway?
Of course he didn't love me, Madame Zara must have been wrong.
Tears ran faster from my eyes, it took all of my will power not to run upstairs, throw myself on my bed and sob hysterically. Jesse reached out and brushed the tears from my cheeks, like he did when I was in the hospital, he asked gently, "Why are you crying, /querida/?"
I said the first thing that popped into my head, "Because," I sobbed, "You don't love me!"
Oh, my God. I can't believe I just said that. Neither could he, because all of a sudden, his jaw dropped, "/Nombre de DIOS/, Susannah!" He exclaimed sharply, "What the hell makes you think that?!"
Oh boy, now look at what I've gone and done.
"Uh," I sniffled, "Well, I dunno, a hunch-..."
"A hunch? A hunch, Susannah?" He seemed a little mad. Okay, fine, really mad, because the pots and pans started rattling and stuff.
"/Nombre de Dios/, Susannah," he said again, I gotta start taking Spanish classes. "Of course I love you, you stupid girl, why do you think I worry about you all the time? And why do you think I constantly follow you? Because you're always getting yourself in trouble, that's why."
Okay. Whoa. That... I was totally not expecting. Sure, he called me stupid, but I'm sure it was meant in a nice, loving, DON'T BE SO STUPID! way. Right?
Now it was my turn to stare at him. Jesse studied my face, "It was I, Susannah, that should have been worried you didn't love me back."
I blinked the tears out of my eyes and kept staring up at him. I was kinda hoping he'd kiss me again, that was really nice, as I had stated before.
"Of course I love you," I whispered, "How could I not? You saved my life." Now he did lean down and kiss me. Softly and slowly, like before. "And you," he said, "have made mine worth living."
I linked my hands behind his head, kinda gazing up into his eyes and playing with his hair. Oh yeah, that was really nice. "Well, you're not really livin-..."
"Susannah," Jesse leaned down and kissed me again, "Shut up." I was really beginning to enjoy those kisses, I really was. I hugged him tightly, he hugged me back just as tight and whispered into my ear, "You're not alone anymore."