‘Pete?’ I murmured to the distance and enclosing darkness, he wouldn’t come back. He never did. I only dared to hope because each time I asked he took a while to answer and never told Patrick of my disloyalty. He’d kissed me back, when I’d tried that.
I flipped open my cell and tried ring his number. Engaged.
‘Hey, this is Pete, leave a message.’ I love you, is that a good message? I need you, it kills me to be apart from you. Please, please, please leave him. I know you love me too. No, that wouldn’t do, his precious Patrick might hear it, he might find out.
Closing my cell once more, I walked to the tour bus. The fresh air was running thin and Pete was running scared. The kiss we shared, that one night, it must have been more than a mistake he wished had never happened? It couldn’t have meant anything, he’d told me. It meant more than that, it felt desperately like my future.
I tried again, typing the number into the keypad slowly, as if it might help.
‘Hey, this is Pete, leave a message.’ Again I was left wondering what I should say; it wouldn’t do to call so many times without leaving a message. I opted for the chicken-shit route and told him to ring me back.
‘I love you, Pete’ I said to no one, because that’s just about who I’ll admit it to. Pete didn’t want to know, so why would anyone else? I tend to overplay all welcomes, and understate my gratitude. When you’re a person like me, nobody assumes that your finding it hard to cope. That’s why I shocked Pete with my dependency.
‘I love you too, Joe’ I spun around to face the man that had caused me a crippling amount of pain over the last few months, ‘It would never work out.’
‘It could’ I try to defend the possibilities that always give me reason to hope.
‘No, it would destroy the band. Patrick would hate us, and while I love you, I love him too. Joe, find someone, someone else. Anyone else, I’m with Patrick and I’m glad about that.’ He hid his feeling well, but got choked up every now and again. I couldn’t handle it all that well myself.
‘We don’t have to tell him, or anyone in fact’ Please, please work, ‘We could hide it away.’
‘Joe, that’s crazy’ He moved towards me, leaving us inches apart, ‘Let things be. I have a chance to be happy with Patrick, respect that’ He planted a soft kiss on my lips, brushing his hand with mine. Allowing the other to brush my face, I knew that it was his way of saying goodbye. Within seconds he had turned away. He was gone. My hope was gone. It’s over.