Categories > Celebrities > Panic! At The Disco > And I'd Give Up Forever To Touch You...
This is dedicated to my best friend Nina.
You are pulled from the wreckage,
Of your silent reverie,
You’re in the arms of the angel,
May you find some comfort here
Brendon's POV.
“What's wrong? Why won’t you let me see him?! Is Ryan alright!? Is he-“ I couldn’t bring myself to say it. The dumb nurse smiled at me, her vacant eyes avoiding the frequent glances she was getting from the doctor beside me. “your friend is in excellent condition Mr. Urie, we are actually permitting him an early release, so you can take him back home today” My heat skipped a beat “Really?!” “Really” Then I was being tapped on the shoulder, I turned to see Jon. Wrapping my arms around his neck, I said “Jon did you hear? He is ok! I can take him home! He can be with me now, and we wont have to worry.” To which Jon replied an unusual answer “Brendon? What are you doing? Brendon? Bren? Helloo?” The next thing you know I was being awakened. I opened my eyes, my nose filling with the smell of antiseptics and disease, my gut filling again to that same pain of unease. Of not knowing what comes next. I had been here 2 days, and yet Ryan was still not getting better. Apparently the drug had been mixed with a heap of unknown chemicals, and Ryan, having a fragile body, couldn’t handle it, especially as it was his first (and last if I can help it) drug he had ever taken. It had quickly weakened him and now he was in a coma. 2 days and I still cant bring myself to enter his room. Cant bring myself to see him like this. But I want to help him, god I so badly want to help him, but apparently there is nothing I can do. “Bren, are you feeling alright?” Jon asked looking at me, careful not too seem too demanding of the answer. I pushed myself off of the chair “Im fine, I have too go to the bathroom. Where is Spencer?” I asked, realizing he wasn’t with us “Oh, he is keeping Ryan company” A lump appeared in my throat, the same one I get whenever his name was mentioned. My vision went blurry, and I found myself with tears in my eyes. I stared at the ground, hiding them from Jon, I don’t want him to start fussing over me. “oh” was all I managed to choke out before turning and heading towards the men’s room. I entered the room, relieved to find no one was in there, I let the tears fall fast and thick down my cheeks, leaning over the sink, watching them slide slowly down the drain. Oh God, I don’t know what's going to happen to him. What if he is never Ryan again? What if he wakes up now and im a wreck? What if he doesn’t wake up? I hated myself for thinking that, I truly despised it, but it is true. It could happen. Suddenly, I felt the urge to throw up, I ran to a cubicle, shutting the door behind me, my knees giving in on me and bringing me too the ground. Leaning over the toilet, I waited to feel my unease coming up my throat, but nothing came. I still had that same sick feeling though. I stood up, slowly, my hands shaking so badly I could hardly unlock the door. Walking over to the mirror, I checked my reflection, just making sure it didn’t look like I had been crying. No trace, so I walked out of the bathroom to get a coffee and return to Jon and Spencer. I walked back to where Jon and I had been sitting, only find the seats vacant, but the door to Ryan's room open. Taking a deep breath, I waked toward the door. But as soon as I was about to enter, I stopped. It was like a barrier was stopping me from passing through. I leant against the door frame, looking toward the other side of the room where Spencer and Jon were sitting behind a laptop. “Hey Brendon, come look at this! Your on some site called ‘Stardoll’ it is where people join and dress up celebrities, come over here, I wanna see you dress yourself” I turned and looked at Ryan. Spencer must have saw me do this, and realized why I never went in there. He stood up, walking over to me, a comforting gaze fixed on my worried face. “Brendon” He breathed “this isn’t your fault, you need to know this.” Jon too stood up, walking over to join us “yah Bren, you didn’t hand him the drug” They don’t understand what im feeling. At all. “guys you don’t get it. That’s not why I feel responsible. I feel responsible because Ryan didn’t trust me enough to come and tell me… He didn’t trust me.” I turned before either of them could say anything, walking straight out of the hospital, into the freezing cold night air, sitting on the steps. Eyes stinging from the cold, I realized I had walked outside without a jacket on at midnight in autumn. Then I heard footsteps behind me, I saw Spencer walking out of the hospital doors, jogging down the stairs toward me. He lifted me of the ground pulling me up so I was standing straight. Then he hugged me, not like a pat on the back, an actual hug. “Brendon not only does Ryan trust you with his entire being, he loves you more than anything in this world. And he will be ok. I know he will. You don’t have to worry, he will still be the same man.” I then started crying again, tears falling onto Spencer's jacket, creating a damp spot. We just stood there, me trying my hardest to rid my body of all the tears it had created. I managed to calm down, making me realize that my uncontrollable shaking wasn’t due to the fact that I was crying, I was just cold. Spence saw this too, taking off his jacket and draping it over my shoulders. We walked back inside, towards Ryan's room, when suddenly Jon came running out, almost skidding into a nurse. He yelled “HES AWAKE! HES AWAKE!” My blood was rushing extremely quickly and I started laughing, due to relief. Jon regained his balance, and ran over to both me and Spencer, wrapping his arms around our necks. We all broke apart, only for me jumping on Jon and hugging him, almost bringing him to the ground, we then separated, and if I hadn’t pinched myself rather hard, I wouldn’t believe what I was seeing. Spencer had just walked up to Jon, and was kissing him. “holy shit!” I exclaimed “what's going on? Am I being punk’d?” I said, Jon and Spencer breaking apart. Spencer shuffled his feet uncomfortably, “we will explain later, for now, Ryan!” he said. We all turned and made our way to the door, we were all about to enter when Jon grabbed Spencer by the shoulder and pulled him back “I think Ryan and Brendon should have some time alone” Spencer pouted “ok, I guess” I walked into the room, holding my breath. I walked toward the small, weak Ryan, laying on the hospital bed, under all the white sheets. His right hand remaining uncovered by the sheets. I placed my own hand over the top of his, holding it for the first time in what seemed like eternity. His beautiful eyes slowly fluttered open. “Brendon? Is that you?” He said quietly. My heart was beating so loud I could only just hear him. “yes, Its me. God I missed you so much Ryan, I felt so alone. So lost and confused” He looked up at me “Brendon, you will never be alone, no matter how far away I seem to be. I will always love you. Always.” My voice caught in my throat “I-I love you too Ryan” Oh god. Here I go again with the waterworks. Ryan saw the tears in my eyes, making him look down at our entwined hands. “Look, Brendon. I am so, so sorry. I was a dumb ass that night, and I shouldn’t of done what I did. I should of came and looked for you, I don’t know why I didn’t. I really don’t know how to make it up to you, just tell me how” I gently took his face in my hand, turning it towards my own. “Ryan, you waking up, that’s making it up enough” We sat in silence for a few minutes, savoring the moment. This feels so much better than it did before, but there was still a certain strangeness. “So, what have I missed? Anything interesting?” Ryan said, with a weak smile. I remembered the new couple amongst us and laughed. “guess what's up with Spence and Jon!? They're together! Can you believe it?” Ryan looked shocked. “what!? no way? Get em’ in here!” I called them and they entered, Spencer holding Jon’s hand, cheeks a little red. Ryan laughed at this shocking appearance, “well, well, well, so? Which ones the girl?” Jon and Spencer looked shocked.
Spencer's POV.
What? we never asked them that! “definitely Spencer, im much more macho!” Joked Jon, a cute smile on his face. “hey, im not the one that wanted to paint your nails” I replied. “I still cant believe this” Said Brendon, a huge grin on his face, but a hint of worry in his eyes. “Yeah, me too. When did You's decide to get together?” Ryan asked, curiosity drenched in his voice. I remember when we got together. It was the day before Brendon's birthday, April 11th. The most wonderful day of my life, and I could still feel it, crystal clear. It was a rainy day, and I was inside watching Snakes On A Plane with Jon, and Jon kept getting closer to me. Then I remember the movie finishing, there was this long silence between us for about 2 minutes, until after that, he blurted out “I love you Spencer” I remember the feeling I got after that, first it was shock, I never thought he would ever love me, but then, I was completely happy, it was like, like when we found out Pete Wentz wanted to sign our record, times 10. Then, I just kissed him. As I retold this story, Jon watched me describe it, a dreamy look in his eyes. And Brendon and Ryan were forever saying “oh, that’s so cute!” or “You's are soo meant to be!” When I finished retelling the memory of the day me and Jon got together, Jon asked “so what about you two?” His eyebrow raised, “yeah, you never told us how or when that went down!” I added on.
Ryan's POV.
I automatically flashed back to that day that was a year ago. The day that I truly felt alive was the day Brendon told me he loved me. It was like, the rest of the world had vanished, and there was just us two, and as long as we were together, nothing else mattered. Brendon retold the story, while I added things in. watching Jon and Spencer's reaction when they found out it was a year ago that we got together was priceless, it was like we would have to drag there mouths up from the floor. “What! you two were shagging behind our backs for a whole YEAR!?” was what Jon had yelled, making us all laugh. It felt so good to all be our true selves again. But then i thought of a question, “how come once we told You's we were in a relationship, you didn’t tell us about yours?” I watched Jon and Spencer's expressions change from smiles to lost/confused expressions. “yeah, why is that?” Brendon asked, a frown on his face as he thought hard about the question. “I don’t really know I guess” said Spencer also frowning. A nurse then came in, breaking the awkward silence between us all. “how do you feel Mr. Ross?” she asked in a cheery voice. “im great. When can I go home?” I asked “You will be staying overnight for observation and then, if your condition has improved, you will allowed to be home” Good. “thank you” “ok, we are going to have to ask your visitors to leave now” Oh, im going to be all alone. Brendon looked upset and angry at this “why!? He only just woke up, and I have only been able to talk to him for the 2 hours for the first time in 2 days, do you have any Idea how long that feels to me?!” The nurse looked shocked but put on a sympathetic smile. God, do they to get paid to act happy? “Im sorry Mr. Urie-“ “Brendon” He interrupted “Brendon, I understand how you feel. But your friend here-“ “Ryan” He interrupted again “Ryan needs to rest, and in order to do that, we need you to leave. He only just woke up, so he could be easily stressed and is probably feeling worn out” Brendon shot her a filthy look before turning to me and looking at me apologetically. “Its ok Bren, I will manage without you for a night, besides, you heard what she said, you can take me home tomorrow” I sympathized, he smiled at me and kissed me on the forehead. “Ok then Ry, see you tomorrow” He said “I love you Bren” “love you too, Ry” I waved goodbye to Spencer and Jon, “thanks for coming guys, bye!” I said “See ya man” Jon replied, “Yeah, we will pick you up with Brendon tomorrow” Spencer added. I watched them leave the room, the nurse handing me a tray of hospital food and told me ask if I needed anything before leaving the room and closing the door behind her. Everyone always says hospital food is gross, I don’t see what is wrong with it, I thought to myself while shoveling a fork full of chicken and gravy into my mouth.
You are pulled from the wreckage,
Of your silent reverie,
You’re in the arms of the angel,
May you find some comfort here
Brendon's POV.
“What's wrong? Why won’t you let me see him?! Is Ryan alright!? Is he-“ I couldn’t bring myself to say it. The dumb nurse smiled at me, her vacant eyes avoiding the frequent glances she was getting from the doctor beside me. “your friend is in excellent condition Mr. Urie, we are actually permitting him an early release, so you can take him back home today” My heat skipped a beat “Really?!” “Really” Then I was being tapped on the shoulder, I turned to see Jon. Wrapping my arms around his neck, I said “Jon did you hear? He is ok! I can take him home! He can be with me now, and we wont have to worry.” To which Jon replied an unusual answer “Brendon? What are you doing? Brendon? Bren? Helloo?” The next thing you know I was being awakened. I opened my eyes, my nose filling with the smell of antiseptics and disease, my gut filling again to that same pain of unease. Of not knowing what comes next. I had been here 2 days, and yet Ryan was still not getting better. Apparently the drug had been mixed with a heap of unknown chemicals, and Ryan, having a fragile body, couldn’t handle it, especially as it was his first (and last if I can help it) drug he had ever taken. It had quickly weakened him and now he was in a coma. 2 days and I still cant bring myself to enter his room. Cant bring myself to see him like this. But I want to help him, god I so badly want to help him, but apparently there is nothing I can do. “Bren, are you feeling alright?” Jon asked looking at me, careful not too seem too demanding of the answer. I pushed myself off of the chair “Im fine, I have too go to the bathroom. Where is Spencer?” I asked, realizing he wasn’t with us “Oh, he is keeping Ryan company” A lump appeared in my throat, the same one I get whenever his name was mentioned. My vision went blurry, and I found myself with tears in my eyes. I stared at the ground, hiding them from Jon, I don’t want him to start fussing over me. “oh” was all I managed to choke out before turning and heading towards the men’s room. I entered the room, relieved to find no one was in there, I let the tears fall fast and thick down my cheeks, leaning over the sink, watching them slide slowly down the drain. Oh God, I don’t know what's going to happen to him. What if he is never Ryan again? What if he wakes up now and im a wreck? What if he doesn’t wake up? I hated myself for thinking that, I truly despised it, but it is true. It could happen. Suddenly, I felt the urge to throw up, I ran to a cubicle, shutting the door behind me, my knees giving in on me and bringing me too the ground. Leaning over the toilet, I waited to feel my unease coming up my throat, but nothing came. I still had that same sick feeling though. I stood up, slowly, my hands shaking so badly I could hardly unlock the door. Walking over to the mirror, I checked my reflection, just making sure it didn’t look like I had been crying. No trace, so I walked out of the bathroom to get a coffee and return to Jon and Spencer. I walked back to where Jon and I had been sitting, only find the seats vacant, but the door to Ryan's room open. Taking a deep breath, I waked toward the door. But as soon as I was about to enter, I stopped. It was like a barrier was stopping me from passing through. I leant against the door frame, looking toward the other side of the room where Spencer and Jon were sitting behind a laptop. “Hey Brendon, come look at this! Your on some site called ‘Stardoll’ it is where people join and dress up celebrities, come over here, I wanna see you dress yourself” I turned and looked at Ryan. Spencer must have saw me do this, and realized why I never went in there. He stood up, walking over to me, a comforting gaze fixed on my worried face. “Brendon” He breathed “this isn’t your fault, you need to know this.” Jon too stood up, walking over to join us “yah Bren, you didn’t hand him the drug” They don’t understand what im feeling. At all. “guys you don’t get it. That’s not why I feel responsible. I feel responsible because Ryan didn’t trust me enough to come and tell me… He didn’t trust me.” I turned before either of them could say anything, walking straight out of the hospital, into the freezing cold night air, sitting on the steps. Eyes stinging from the cold, I realized I had walked outside without a jacket on at midnight in autumn. Then I heard footsteps behind me, I saw Spencer walking out of the hospital doors, jogging down the stairs toward me. He lifted me of the ground pulling me up so I was standing straight. Then he hugged me, not like a pat on the back, an actual hug. “Brendon not only does Ryan trust you with his entire being, he loves you more than anything in this world. And he will be ok. I know he will. You don’t have to worry, he will still be the same man.” I then started crying again, tears falling onto Spencer's jacket, creating a damp spot. We just stood there, me trying my hardest to rid my body of all the tears it had created. I managed to calm down, making me realize that my uncontrollable shaking wasn’t due to the fact that I was crying, I was just cold. Spence saw this too, taking off his jacket and draping it over my shoulders. We walked back inside, towards Ryan's room, when suddenly Jon came running out, almost skidding into a nurse. He yelled “HES AWAKE! HES AWAKE!” My blood was rushing extremely quickly and I started laughing, due to relief. Jon regained his balance, and ran over to both me and Spencer, wrapping his arms around our necks. We all broke apart, only for me jumping on Jon and hugging him, almost bringing him to the ground, we then separated, and if I hadn’t pinched myself rather hard, I wouldn’t believe what I was seeing. Spencer had just walked up to Jon, and was kissing him. “holy shit!” I exclaimed “what's going on? Am I being punk’d?” I said, Jon and Spencer breaking apart. Spencer shuffled his feet uncomfortably, “we will explain later, for now, Ryan!” he said. We all turned and made our way to the door, we were all about to enter when Jon grabbed Spencer by the shoulder and pulled him back “I think Ryan and Brendon should have some time alone” Spencer pouted “ok, I guess” I walked into the room, holding my breath. I walked toward the small, weak Ryan, laying on the hospital bed, under all the white sheets. His right hand remaining uncovered by the sheets. I placed my own hand over the top of his, holding it for the first time in what seemed like eternity. His beautiful eyes slowly fluttered open. “Brendon? Is that you?” He said quietly. My heart was beating so loud I could only just hear him. “yes, Its me. God I missed you so much Ryan, I felt so alone. So lost and confused” He looked up at me “Brendon, you will never be alone, no matter how far away I seem to be. I will always love you. Always.” My voice caught in my throat “I-I love you too Ryan” Oh god. Here I go again with the waterworks. Ryan saw the tears in my eyes, making him look down at our entwined hands. “Look, Brendon. I am so, so sorry. I was a dumb ass that night, and I shouldn’t of done what I did. I should of came and looked for you, I don’t know why I didn’t. I really don’t know how to make it up to you, just tell me how” I gently took his face in my hand, turning it towards my own. “Ryan, you waking up, that’s making it up enough” We sat in silence for a few minutes, savoring the moment. This feels so much better than it did before, but there was still a certain strangeness. “So, what have I missed? Anything interesting?” Ryan said, with a weak smile. I remembered the new couple amongst us and laughed. “guess what's up with Spence and Jon!? They're together! Can you believe it?” Ryan looked shocked. “what!? no way? Get em’ in here!” I called them and they entered, Spencer holding Jon’s hand, cheeks a little red. Ryan laughed at this shocking appearance, “well, well, well, so? Which ones the girl?” Jon and Spencer looked shocked.
Spencer's POV.
What? we never asked them that! “definitely Spencer, im much more macho!” Joked Jon, a cute smile on his face. “hey, im not the one that wanted to paint your nails” I replied. “I still cant believe this” Said Brendon, a huge grin on his face, but a hint of worry in his eyes. “Yeah, me too. When did You's decide to get together?” Ryan asked, curiosity drenched in his voice. I remember when we got together. It was the day before Brendon's birthday, April 11th. The most wonderful day of my life, and I could still feel it, crystal clear. It was a rainy day, and I was inside watching Snakes On A Plane with Jon, and Jon kept getting closer to me. Then I remember the movie finishing, there was this long silence between us for about 2 minutes, until after that, he blurted out “I love you Spencer” I remember the feeling I got after that, first it was shock, I never thought he would ever love me, but then, I was completely happy, it was like, like when we found out Pete Wentz wanted to sign our record, times 10. Then, I just kissed him. As I retold this story, Jon watched me describe it, a dreamy look in his eyes. And Brendon and Ryan were forever saying “oh, that’s so cute!” or “You's are soo meant to be!” When I finished retelling the memory of the day me and Jon got together, Jon asked “so what about you two?” His eyebrow raised, “yeah, you never told us how or when that went down!” I added on.
Ryan's POV.
I automatically flashed back to that day that was a year ago. The day that I truly felt alive was the day Brendon told me he loved me. It was like, the rest of the world had vanished, and there was just us two, and as long as we were together, nothing else mattered. Brendon retold the story, while I added things in. watching Jon and Spencer's reaction when they found out it was a year ago that we got together was priceless, it was like we would have to drag there mouths up from the floor. “What! you two were shagging behind our backs for a whole YEAR!?” was what Jon had yelled, making us all laugh. It felt so good to all be our true selves again. But then i thought of a question, “how come once we told You's we were in a relationship, you didn’t tell us about yours?” I watched Jon and Spencer's expressions change from smiles to lost/confused expressions. “yeah, why is that?” Brendon asked, a frown on his face as he thought hard about the question. “I don’t really know I guess” said Spencer also frowning. A nurse then came in, breaking the awkward silence between us all. “how do you feel Mr. Ross?” she asked in a cheery voice. “im great. When can I go home?” I asked “You will be staying overnight for observation and then, if your condition has improved, you will allowed to be home” Good. “thank you” “ok, we are going to have to ask your visitors to leave now” Oh, im going to be all alone. Brendon looked upset and angry at this “why!? He only just woke up, and I have only been able to talk to him for the 2 hours for the first time in 2 days, do you have any Idea how long that feels to me?!” The nurse looked shocked but put on a sympathetic smile. God, do they to get paid to act happy? “Im sorry Mr. Urie-“ “Brendon” He interrupted “Brendon, I understand how you feel. But your friend here-“ “Ryan” He interrupted again “Ryan needs to rest, and in order to do that, we need you to leave. He only just woke up, so he could be easily stressed and is probably feeling worn out” Brendon shot her a filthy look before turning to me and looking at me apologetically. “Its ok Bren, I will manage without you for a night, besides, you heard what she said, you can take me home tomorrow” I sympathized, he smiled at me and kissed me on the forehead. “Ok then Ry, see you tomorrow” He said “I love you Bren” “love you too, Ry” I waved goodbye to Spencer and Jon, “thanks for coming guys, bye!” I said “See ya man” Jon replied, “Yeah, we will pick you up with Brendon tomorrow” Spencer added. I watched them leave the room, the nurse handing me a tray of hospital food and told me ask if I needed anything before leaving the room and closing the door behind her. Everyone always says hospital food is gross, I don’t see what is wrong with it, I thought to myself while shoveling a fork full of chicken and gravy into my mouth.
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