FicWad

I spun around quickly, my heart racing. It was Christa who walked out of the shadows.
“Shit.” I said breathlessly, “You scared me.
“Sorry.” She answered, “I didn’t mean to. I saw you leave during the concert and thought it would be a good time to talk. When you weren’t on to the bus I went looking for you.”
I was saying goodbye to Jenny. She has to go home for a few days.” I explained.
Christa nodded, “Yeah, I heard about that.” She stood a moment looking into the darkness beyond the bus and I could tell she seemed to be struggling with something.
“So do you still want to talk?”
“Yeah, but the guys will be done soon. I think we should talk when they’re not around.”
“I don’t think catering has picked up yet. Wanna go there to talk?” I asked. Whatever she had to say I really wanted to hear. What had happened between Gee and Ray concerning the letter was affecting them both. From what I had seen on the stage tonight the tension between them was strong.
Christa nodded, “Yeah, lets head over there.”
Neither of us spoke until we were seated. Around us the catering crew was starting to clean up but for now we could speak without interruption.
“What is it?” I asked Christa.
She sighed, “I just want you to know that I don’t hate Gerard. I’m sure he probably thinks that but it’s not true. I don’t hate him. I just wish none of this fucking shit had happened. I wish Ray hadn’t had to be involved in all of this. This is tearing him up inside and I hate it.”
“I understand what you’re saying.” I answered softly.
Suddenly she looked away and even though it was fairly dark where we were sitting I could see tears glistening in her eyes, “I’m a horrible person.” She whispered, “Because I’m glad Merri is dead.” Now the tears rolled down her cheeks.
“Christa I understand how you feel.” I said reaching out and touching her arm. “You love Ray.”
“But that doesn’t mean I should be happy someone else he loved is dead.” She said through her tears. “That’s fucking wrong but he just loved her so damn much.”
I’d been right about how hard this all was for her. I wanted her to know I understood her feelings. “Stop beating yourself up over this. You need to be strong for Ray. He needs you and he loves you. Don’t doubt that. By telling you about what happened to Merri he proved how much he loves and trust you.”
She nodded, “I know that. I really am trying. It was just such a shock to read that letter. I shouldn’t have opened it. Then when I did I was sure he would be pissed at me. I was afraid to tell him. Hell, I almost destroyed it. Maybe I should have. It’s caused him so much pain and look what it’s done to him and Gerard. He’s so angry.”
I really didn’t know what to say. Should she have destroyed the letter? In many ways I too wished she had. Finally I spoke, “Look I firmly believe that whoever mailed that letter got what they wanted. They wanted to cause trouble between the guys but if you hadn’t given him the letter and he’d found out it would have been worse.”
She agreed, “I was afraid his mom would say something about it to him. I mean just in passing and then he wouldn’t trust me anymore.”
“Right.” I agreed. “You had to give it to him.”
“But I didn’t want to.” She whispered, “I didn’t want to. I know how much it would hurt him to find out the Merri was carrying Gerard’s child. That she had been pregnant when he buried her.”
I thought a minute then asked, “Are you 100% positive the letter was written by Merri?”
My question was met with silence. Finally she spoke, “You don’t think so?”
“I don’t know.” I answered honestly.
“The handwriting looks identical to the handwriting in the letter she gave Ray. That letter I know she wrote. He said she gave it to him herself.”
“But it’s not impossible that if someone had an example of Merri’s handwriting that they couldn’t have copied it.”
“But why? I don’t understand your thinking. Why would someone do that?”
“For the same reason that all the things have happened to Gee. I think someone is trying to find out the truth about what happened to Merri and I think they are trying get Ray to break. They are doing everything they can to cause both Ray and Gee to break. Think about it. Whoever mailed this letter knew how it would make Ray feel reading about Merri having Gee’s baby.”
“But Ray said that no one knew about the relationship between him and Merri. He said that she had told him she wanted to keep it a secret.”
Her last comment surprised me. “She wanted to keep their relationship a secret? Why?”
Christa shook her head, “I don’t know. He hates to talk about Merri and I don’t want to press him about it.”
I took a deep breath, “Christa, how long had they been seeing each other?”
It was easy to see the question upset her. “I don’t know. He won’t talk about it.”
Shit, there were so many unanswered questions. Ray had been in love with Merri yet he had obviously held on to whatever relationship she had with him knowing she was in love with Gee. I tried to imagine how angry and hurt that had to make him feel. He was in love with a woman who loved his best friend. Suddenly a thought occurred to me that made my blood run cold. What if she hadn’t mailed the letter because there was no need? What if Merri had decided just to tell Ray about her plans to speak to Gerard about the baby? In my mind I tried to decide the best way to word my next question.
“When you showed Ray the letter how did he react?” I wanted to know is he’d been shocked reading the words.
“I was fucking pissed off.”
Both Christa and I jumped. Ray’s words were full of hatred.
Christa jumped to her feet. “Shit, Ray. You scared me.”
I was watching his face closely. It was full of rage that he was barely able to contain. He shoved Christa out of the way so he could stand directly in front of me. “I know what you’re getting at. I’m not fucking stupid but you are if you think I’m the one who stuck that knife in Merri. I loved her. I would never hurt her. Even if I’d known she was carrying his baby I could never have hurt her.” He moved even closer, “But if I’d known I could have hurt him.”
Christa grabbed his arm and pulled him back slightly, “Ray, stop.”
He shook off her hand and glared at me. “Don’t try to fuckin’ pin her death on me because you think I killed her in a fit of rage.”
I didn’t let his anger frighten me. “But you would have been filled with rage if you’d know about the baby, wouldn’t you? You were holding on to the hope that she would get over Gerard.”
His whole body began to shake. “I loved her so much I would have fuckin’ died for her. I would never have hurt her like that.”
Suddenly he was pulled away, not by Christa, by Gerard. “Back off.”
Ray spun around to face him. “Don’t worry I won’t hurt your woman. I know she’s carrying your child.” His fists were balled in anger. “I will do everything in my power to keep her safe. I don’t want her to end up like the last woman who carried your child.”
His words cut Gerard to the core. I could see it in his face and the hurt he felt turned my stomach. I stood, pushed past Ray, and went to my husband’s side. “We need to go back to the bus.” I said trying to get his attention that was focused on Ray.
Christa was now at Ray’s side. I could see she too understood this had to end now. It was obvious by some of the curious glances we were getting from the catering crew that nothing more should be said.
Gerard and Ray continued to glare at each other. I took Gerard’s arm and whispered, “I really need to go back. I feel sick.” This wasn’t a lie. I truly wasn’t sure how much more of this I could take.
I felt the tension in his body relax just slightly. He turned to me, nodded and we walked away. In my heart it felt like we were walking away from a friendship broken beyond repair. Tears coursed down my cheeks.
Gerard put his arm around me. “It will be okay. Please try to calm down. Think of the baby.”
The fact that he was thinking about our baby at this moment touched me so deeply I began to cry harder. He saw and led us to an area in the shadows away from prying eyes. “Laura, listen to me. You have to calm down.”
“I’m not sure I can.” I whispered. “Ray is so angry. He had no right to say that to you.”
“He spoke out of anger and hurt.” He paused, “He spoke with his true feelings. He will never be sure I didn’t murder the woman he loved.”
“He should be sure.” I hissed.
Gee shook his head sadly, “Let it go. Just let it go.”
My anger couldn’t, “No, he can’t keep doing this to you.” All my anger suddenly made me physically ill. I turned, fell to my knees and began to vomit. My eyes were closed by I felt Gee kneeling beside me. Gently he pulled back my hair and waited until there was nothing left in my stomach.
“This is why you shouldn’t be here. This is worse then someone else trying to harm you.” He whispered. “I can’t let this happen to you.”
I stood on shaky legs. “I’m okay.” It was far from the truth.
“No, you’re not okay. This is too much stress on you and the baby.” Without another word he picked me up and carried me to the bus. Mikey was standing outside about to board.
“What happened?” I heard him ask.
“Laura’s sick.” Gerard answered pushing past him. He carried me up the stairs and onto the bus. All conversation stopped when they saw us.
“Shit, what’s wrong?’ Alicia rushed over to us.
“Go grab one of the medics.” Gerard told her, “I want them to check her blood pressure.” He carried me down the hall and helped me to lay down in our bunk.
“I’m fine.” I said, “I just threw up.”
He ignored my comment while pulling off my shoes.
“Gee, look at me.” I commanded. “Damn it I said look at me.” I didn’t care who heard me. I needed to make him listen. “I am fine.”
When our eyes met I could see how badly shaken he truly was. He was beyond afraid. He was terrified. I needed to calm him down.
But before I could Alicia showed up with a medic in tow. I lay silently while my blood pressure was checked. It was only slightly higher than normal and I uttered a silent prayer of thanks. My eyes sought out my husband who stood nearby watching. “See, I told you. I’m okay. Everything is okay.” I wanted him to hear the true meaning in my words.
After the medic left Gerard knelled down by me and brushed the hair from my eyes. “I won’t let this happen again.” He whispered.
I didn’t know how to respond. His words frightened me. I wasn’t sure what he meant but he sounded wrong. All I wanted at his moment was to close my eyes and forget what had been said. I wanted to forget the hurt and anger. “Please hold me.” I whispered.
He slid in next to me and took me in his arms. I buried my face against his chest and tried to gather my thoughts. “Gee, I don’t know what you’re thinking and I’m scared.” I spoke softly to him.
“I want you to go home.” His tone was flat.
That was what I was afraid of. “I won’t and if you try to make me I’ll just be more upset. My place is at your side. You can’t freak like this every time I get sick.”
“You got sick because of what happened between me and Ray.”
I started to disagree when Ray’s voice stopped me.
“He’s right Laura.”
Both of us looked up to see Ray standing by the bunk.
“I promise you it won’t happen again. I’m sorry for my part in what happened earlier. Christa and I have discussed it and I believe you are right. This was meant to drive a wedge between myself and Gerard.”
“Ray, don’t let it.” I said feeling tears threaten my eyes again.
He looked into my eyes, “It’s hard, you know.”
I nodded, “I know and I’m sorry.”
“I’m sorry too.” Ray said sadly. “Very sorry.” He turned and walked back towards the front of the bus. As Gerard and I lay there we could hear the conversation return to normal. The others simply thought Gee had overreacted to my sickness. They had no idea what had triggered it. Only Ray and Christa understood.
My eyes began to grow heavy and sleep was calling to me. I knew I should change before thathappened. When I told Gee he helped me to stand and I quickly made my way to the bathroom to change into my sweats and brush my teeth. Once back at the bunk I climbed back in and he covered me.
“I can’t sleep without you by my side.” I told him.
He nodded. “I’ll change and be right back.” True to his word he was back at my side within minutes. For several minutes we simply laid in each other’s arms.
When Gee spoke his words were spoken softly but with conviction. “He never would have hurt her. I believe that with my whole heart.”
I wanted to scream ‘then why doesn’t he believe the same of you’ but I didn’t. Too much had already been said tonight. I didn’t want to think of the past anymore. Not now. I closed my eyes and prepared for sleep to claim me. When it did it was unfortunately filled with nightmares. In them I was trapped alone in a room, a room whose walls bled.