FicWad

A/N - Just a few tweaks here and there, to try and get me in the right mindset for FDU.

Grrr... Tried editing this and it would not post, hence, version 2.

In the slightly modified words of Sergeant Schultz from Hogan's Heroes (which I also don't own):

"I own nothing, I hear nothing, I see nothing, I know nothing! Nothing!"





Ginny looked around furtively as she left the dungeons, knowing that the contents of the vial she carried would be enough to get her sent to Azkaban if she were found carrying them. Of course, after what she had done to earn the potion from Snape, it had been rather easy to hide. She was still a virgin, but she was definitely walking funny after the buggering she had received from the bastard. At least now she knew why he had so much grease in his hair. "Always prepared," he had muttered as he ran his hands through his hair, before pounding her.

She had tried to brew her own Amortentia using the Prewitt Grimmoire that Mum had given her, but the only noticeable effect was a bad case of heartburn that had led to Harry swearing off curry for the foreseeable future. Such a shame, as the curry had hid the scent of the potion so well.

So she had been forced to go to the Potions Master. He had nearly laughed her out of the dungeon, until she had started to run out the door crying. Suddenly he had stopped her, and charmed the door shut. After her agreeing to an unbreakable vow, Snape had then made her answer to the name Ms. Evans as he buggered her. She winced as the vial shifted in it's hiding place.

It had been a humiliating experience, but she could at least strike it off her "research" checklist. After all, she had to be capable for her Harrikins.

Embarrassment and discomfort aside, she had the potion now, and Harry would be hers. She wondered what was different about the potion that Snape had brewed? She entered the Gryffindor common room, and shivered at the sight of the stairs. She straightened her shoulders, and quickly hunched back over, groaning as the vial shifted again. Granger looked up from her incessant studying, and gave her a curious look. Ginny panicked as she saw Granger start to get up and head her way. Quickly shuffling over towards the stairs she waved off the bookworm as she tried to help her.

"Just my monthlies Hermione, once I get to my bed, I'll be fine." said Ginny, rolling her eyes once Granger gave her a sympathetic smile and headed back to her studies.

Wondering why she had been cursed with the top floor of the tower she had previously coveted for its view, Ginny finally entered the suite of rooms assigned to her year. She thanked Merlin upon seeing that the girls' loo was unoccupied. After several minutes of awkward fumbling, she finally retrieved the potion from it's uncomfortable hiding place, she closely examined it. The color and smell were the same, and she knew better than to taste it. She had made that mistake with her hastily brewed batch, and while enjoyable for the first hour, the friction burns and chafing were not something she wished to experience again. As she sat in the bathroom, the only difference she could easily tell was a small dark chitinous spore or seed floating in the mixture.

Oh well, as long as she got Harry.

A month later...

Harry did not know what was wrong with him. He had sworn off curry ever since that disaster in the Great Hall the last time. His right eye twitched as his ass burned in remembrance. At least he knew how to chase Myrtle off from her bathroom now. It had been the closest bathroom, and she had tried flirting as usual when he came dashing in, holding his stomach. She had fled screaming, after poking her head through the bathroom stall door as he tried to rid himself of the demon spice. Accidental magic led to flames quite literally burning his pants off, and a visit to Pomfrey, that luckily no one knew the whole truth about.

So what could be causing him this horrid pain?

As he walked into the Gryff common room, he noticed Ginny flirting with Seamus, her boyfriend for the week. Suddenly he felt what seemed like a monster in his chest. He flopped onto the couch, and put his hand to his pounding chest. Could this be jealousy? He thought back, realizing that every time he experienced the pain he was around the girl.

Surely he wasn't in love with Ginny Weasley? Two bits for a blow GinGin? But he felt the monster getting stronger and more insistent. He stood, and walked towards Ginny. As he got closer the pounding got stronger and stronger. It felt as something was trying to claw its' way out of his chest, screeching in anger and jealousy. His palms were clammy, and he was light headed. Ginny had a beatific smile on her face and was looking straight at him. Suddenly he could take it no more, he had to have her. The beast in his chest was howling for her. He wrapped his arms around her, as she leaped into his arms and hooked her ankles in the small of his back.

"Ginny, I...I..." stammered Harry.

Ginny kissed Harry deeply, before squealing, "Oh Harry! I love you toURKGL!..." Ginny's back exploded in a storm of gore, gristle, and guts as a small, dark black creature left her back and skittered across the common room stopping only to hiss at Ron before disappearing in a crevice.

Suddenly the pain in Harry's chest eased, as the two dropped to the floor. As the light faded from Harry Potter's eyes, he asked the question he had meant to before being overcome by the ginger harlot.

"Two bits for a blow Gin Gin?"


Omake
The monster that left Harry Potter through Ginny Weasley was never caught, but as students started to disappear, rumours spread that the Chamber of Secrets was thought to be reopened. Hagrid quit before another trip to Chez Azkaban, Hermione left after the funeral for Harry, and Luna had been taken to St Mungos after screaming herself hoarse about the invasion of the Crumple Horned Snorkacks.

Dumbledore knew he wouldn't survive another investigation by the Board of Govenors, and had calmed the remaining students in the Great Hall saying he would resolve the situation. Dumbledore grabbed the oblivious Ron from his trough at the Gryffindor table and dragged him towards Myrtle's bathroom.

He had attempted to have Fawkes flame him into the chamber, but when he had asked Fawkes had reacted...poorly. Fawkes had reared his head back, giving him a look of disbelief, before taking wing. He had flown a lazy circle around Albus, singing not in his usual comforting trill, but with an almost sinister cackling. As Dumbldore reached up to grab a tailfeather, Fawkes had lifted his tail out of reach, and proceeded to douse him in phoenix droppings before flaming out of his office.

While many knew of the healing properties of phoenix tears, few knew of the magical properties of phoenix dung. It seems it was a magical cure for dandruff. Unfortunately, it did this by causing all of the hair to fall out. While it left him bald as a cue ball, he did have to admit that his skin looked years younger. Luckily, Albus was a Master of Transfiguration, and combined with a school-owl order to Hair Club for Wizards in Severus' name, he had a fine wig and fake beard that he had attached to his hat with a sticking charm.

So Albus was forced to drag Ron with him, as he was the only living student to have been in the Chamber before. Luckily, Ron was quite the impressionist, and was able to reproduce the Parseltongue "OPEN" causing the chamber to open. Their was an odd odor that seemed to emit from the hole, but Albus assumed it was merely the rotting Basilisk. He shoved Ron in first, and after hearing him land with a grunt, leapt into the hole. He was much older, and would need something soft to cushion his fall, all for "the Greater Good" of his bony old ass after all. The hole was much slicker now, and the slide left a slimy residue on his fine robes. As he tried to maintain his footing on the lumpy cushion, it grunted in pain as he cast a Evanesco that only partially cleaned his robes. He looked around the Chamber, and was struck by several odd things. The small bones were still there, scattered about, but were covered with some sort of secretion. Oddly, the carcass of the massive Basilisk was nowhere to be found. Curious and curiouser. He would have to see if the House Elves had managed to enter the carcass and cleaned it. Perhaps the residue was some sort of wax?

"Well, this is interesting, isn't it Ron? We'll have to get Professor Sprout down here. It seems you and I have discovered a new type of flower. Odd that it grows in the dark like this. We should receive a nice reward from the Horticultural society for this." commented Dumbledore, stroking his beard while poking the odd seed pods with his wand.

"A monetary reward? YES!" said Ron, doing his happy dance at the thought of all the ways he would spend the money. "How much do you think we'll get Professor?"

"Professor Dumbledore?"

As Ron turned around, he saw the venerable professor rolling on the ground with his face attached to something. He was curious what the professor was eating, and why he had not offered to share. He started to chastise the professor for his rude manners when he heard a chittering, hissing noise above him.

As he looked up he saw a shiny black, shiny insect-like creature with a long tail that suddenly whipped around him and brought him to the ceiling, and the creatures' razor sharp teeth.

"Eeep!! Devil Spider!!!" whimpered Ron as he soiled himself. The beast opened it's maw, as another set of teeth leapt out, punching a hole through Ron's head as he screamed in terror.

Omake 2

Voldemort knew that Dumbledore was up to something. The school's wards had sealed suddenly a week ago, and no one could get in or out. He was worried that Dumbledore had found his Horcrux and was going to destroy it. Luckily, he still knew the small wrinkle in the wards that allowed him to apparate in and out via the Chamber of Secrets. As he arrived with a magnificent crack signaling his magical strength, he noticed several changes to the Chamber he knew as a young man.

It was extremely hot and humid, and there seemed to be growths all along the walls of the tunnel. There were some sort of fungus or spore pods that had burst all over the floor of the chamber. Had Dumbledore converted Salazar's chamber into a greenhouse? He walked to the secret chamber where he had stored the horcrux so long ago, when he stopped dumbfounded.

Dumbledore was stuck to the wall with his beard matted with some sort of secretion and was moaning something softly.

"ple...ase...tom...kill me!" rasped the old man piteously.

Well, one can't pass up golden opportunities when one is given them.

He stepped back several paces, as if preparing to duel.

"Must follow the niceties, right Albus?" hissed the Dark Lord as he bowed slightly.

"Now, bow to me, Old Man!" he hissed with an evil grin.

"fool...should have just killed me!" rattled out from Dumbledore's twitching frame.

"Crucio!" shouted Voldemort as he laughed, reveling in torturing the only person who the sheeple hoped could defeat him.

Dumbledore suddenly broke loose from the secretions holding him to the wall, finally bowing and showing Voldemort the respect he deserved.

"There, that wasn't so hard was it old man?" snickered Voldemort.

Suddenly Dumbledore let loose with a unearthly howl, straightening back up and slamming his back against the cavern wall.

Voldemort stepped back, slightly disturbed as the old man seemed to be having an aftershock of the Crucio he had been subjected to.

Dumbledore's chest exploded as a small, chittering black creature flew towards Voldemort.

"Avada Kedavra!" shrieked Voldemort.

As the green spell flew towards the unholy creature, Voldemort's lips split in an evil grin.

Until the spell flew off the shiny surface of the creatures chitinous shell.

Voldemort dodged, and cast a conjuration spell that dropped a large slab of marble on the evil little creature. With a squeal and a squelch the creature perished. Voldemort rose, scraping the residue from the floor from his black robes. He laughed again, speaking to himself, "Perhaps, I have found something better than Dementors!"

As he hissed the parseltongue phrase to magically activate the lights in the chamber, he regretted the cockiness he had previously shown. The walls of the cavern were covered in moaning students and faculty, all stuck to the walls as Dumbledore had been. Voldemort noticed the spawn of several of his death eaters closest to him, including the Malfoy boy. Snape was there as well, and his hair actually seemed cleaner with the secretions in it.

Several began to twitch and howl piteously as Voldemort decided that it was time to leave this place to the demons that had infested it. He focused himself for the apparition when a black spear like tail burst through his chest lifting him from the ground, his lower half disappearing with a crack of apparation. He had splinched himself, sending his lower half who knows where, and he was stuck here.

The howls of Voldemort could be heard all the way to Hogsmeade. It seemed the unholy creature inhabiting the Shrieking Shack had taken up full time residence in the abandoned halls of Hogwarts.

Unfortunately for Tom Riddle, thanks to the strength of his magic, and the horcruxes that were secreted where they would probably never be found or destroyed, Voldemort did not die as all the others did when the first demon burst through his chest. No, the queen of the demons, quickly realized that not only did he regenerate enough body mass to feed her children, but that his horrible chest wounds closed back up and allowed for more of her children to be birthed. Over and over and over. So the most powerful dark wizard of all time, became what he promised to all of the mudblood and muggleborn witches. Nothing more than a baby factory for all time.

A/N Probably done somewhere else better, but I saw the chest monster comment and was struck by this. The Aliens can not get out, they are trapped by the wards powered by Voldemort's magic. So everyone who got out lives happily ever after.