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"What the fuck does that mean?" I yell at Gerard as I reach around the bed in the dark trying to find my shirt. I just took it off. Where the fuck did it go?

"Elle, come on you're drunk." He kinda laughs a little.

"And you're a bastard" I yell punching his stomach as I try to get up.

"Elle calm down." He says grabbing my arm trying to pull me back on top of him. Calm down? Is he fucking kidding me? I'm suppose to be calm while he tells me that what he's been fucking Lia?

I should've known... all men are cheaters... There are no exceptions -that was obvious tonight...

"Let go of me." I say trying to pull my arm from his. He reaches his other arm up and grabs my waist a little. "Stop! Let me go!" I yell as he pulls me towards him. And that's when I freaked out...I don't know if it was from the dark. Or maybe it was from all the vodka.

Or it could've just been that I had reached my breaking point from all the stress, but as he grabbed my arm a little tighter and pulled me close enough that I could smell the alcohol on his breath, all those feelings of terror that I thought I had hid away so well... they just came flooding back to me all at once...

"No! Don't touch me STOP!" I screamed... and I mean screamed as loud as I could. He let go of me instantly. I was panicking. I started to hyperventilate a little... I tried to get up off the bed and I got tangled up in the blankets and went off the edge of it slamming my head against the nightstand as I fell off.

Gerard jumped up and flicked the light switch on the wall on. The lamp had fallen off the nightstand and was it making funny shadows in the room. I couldn't stop crying... He reached out for me.

"Don't touch me." I yelled pulling back wrapping the blankets around me tighter shaking a little. He didn't say anything... he just started picking up everything I knocked over. I took a few deep breaths and calmed down a little. Gerard came and sat next to me on the floor. He started to reach over to touch me but pulled his hand back. I shut my eyes and leant my head on his shoulder. It was silent for a while except for the sounds of my sniffling every now and then.

I couldn't take it anymore... I crawled over to my closet and grabbed my purse dumping it out on the floor. I dug through it and found a small bag of coke and my compact. Gerard didn't say anything... he just watched me... I didn't even offer him any...

I inhaled a few lines and got up off the floor leaving the compact with a few lines on it on the rug. I went into the bathroom and splashed some water on my face. I couldn't even look at myself in the mirror...

Damn it... pull it back together Elle... just suck it up....'Stand up tall.' I could hear my papas voice echoing in my head... He always use to say that me when I was growing up. 'Stand up tall Michelle... Don't take shit from anyone...'he would say ... my mom use to get so mad at him too.

'Pop don't be teaching her to curse.' I remember her telling him one time... 'She's got to learn to stand up for herself.' My papa bellowed back. 'The girl doesn't have a father...she needs to learn stand up for herself.. ' My papa always use to tell her... And I that I did...

That's how I became friends with Lia... We were in the same kindergarten class, and Billy Williams took the shovel from her in the sand box. It was the only one too.. well the only cool one at least, it looked like a giant claw and dug the best out of all of them... But he just walked up and snatched it from her and she just let him...she was too afraid to stop him... I sat there and watched her watch him walk away with it- I couldn't believe she was just letting him get away with it. I marched over to him and grabbed it right out of his dirty little hands. He called me a stink face and I threw sand at him... The teacher came over and wanted to know what happened and the little bastard told on me. Then the teacher asked me why I threw the sand at him so I told her what he called me and that I don't take that shit from anybody... My mom was displeased that day to say the least...

I laughed a little to myself remembering...I've got to pull it together... I can't be afraid... I just can't let my fears run my life anymore... That's not how my papa raised me.

I went back into my room and the compact was on the dresser now. Empty... Gerard was sitting on the edge of the bed and when I came in he jumped up. He looked at me unsure of what to say...

"I didn't mean to-" he started to say to me. I shook my head at him.

"No, I don't want to talk about that." I said closing my eyes a little.

"I think maybe..."Gerard started to say.
"No!" I yelled at him. He looked down. "look, I'm just gonna ask you one question, before we go any further okay?" I said to him and he nodded. "I just cant deal with all this shit!" I sigh. I needed to know the truth...

"Elle I-" He starts to interrupt and I hold my hand up waving it at him.

"No don't say anything except yes or no okay?" I say and he nods again. "I'm asking you this very seriously now Gerard." I say sitting down on the bed. "And if you lie to me we are so over." I say shaking my head. He frowns and sits next to me. "No I mean it...over.. like never again do you understand?" I ask him.

"Yeah I get it Elle." He says nodding a little.

"Are you fucking Lia?" I say biting my lip a little. He laughs a little.

"You've got to be kidding me!" He says getting up.

"I'm serious Gerard- just answer yes or no" I insist.

"No!" he laughs kneeling down in front of me. I sigh a little in relief.

"No you've never fucked her...I mean not even a little- not ever." I say wrapping my arms around his shoulders.

"You're crazy you know that." He says running his hand down my cheek.

"Gerard." I groan pushing him back a little.

He laughed a little again. "No Elle... I've never slept with Lia..." he said kissing my hand. "Do you believe me?" He says stroking my palm with his fingers softly.

"Yeah." I sigh and sniffle a little.

"Can we go back to bed now?" He says getting up.

"I guess." I say picking up my pillow off the floor.

Gerard went towards the light switch and paused a little "Uh do you want me to leave the light on." He said softly.

"No, that's okay." I said pulling the blanket over my head... It was dark again... I was trying not to be afraid... It was so hard though...you can do it Elle... You can be fearless...

I felt Gerard get into the bed. He reached over and pulled me into his arms. I leant my head against him and fell asleep listening to his heart beating steadily. I can do this... starting tomorrow nothing is gonna stand in my way anymore...


Someone was knocking on the door. At first I thought I was dreaming until I heard Gerard mumble "Who the fuck is that so early?". I opened one eye and looked over at the clock it was a little after 7 am. Fuck... I drag myself half asleep over to the window and see Bob's car in the snow-covered driveway.

"Its Bob and its snowing.." I say crawling back into bed and pulling the covers over my head.

"Aren't you gonna let him in?" Gerard says sitting up now as the knocking continued.

"Let who in?" I ask yawning a little.

"Bob." He says plainly.

"Bob's here?" I say sitting up trying to open my eyes a little. It was too fucking bright in here... Gerard nods. I look around the room. "Bob isn't here." I say. "No ones here but us Gerard." I say laying back down.

"Bob's outside." He laughs a little ."Fuck wake up already Elle." He nudges me a little.

"Bob's outside?" I repeat trying to focus on what he was saying.

"And it's snowing out." He sighs.

I get up and grab my bathrobe hanging on the door and put it on. "Jesus Christ Gerard. " I mumble going down the hall as Bob continued to knock. "If you knew Bob was outside in the snow why the hell didn't you let him in?!... you just left him out there" I say opening the door.

"Come on in." I say holding the door open.

"Is Lia here?" Bob asks as he came in.

"No." I say looking at him funny. He looked disappointed. "Is she suppose to be?" I ask.

"No, I was just hoping that...Oh hey Gee..." Bob says as Gerard came down the hall. "I uh.. didn't know you were here." He says taking a step back towards the door.

"What the matter Bob?" I ask him.

"I didn't mean to bother you guys." Bob says reaching for the door.

"Don't be silly Bob." I say grabbing his arm. "You're not bothering us right Gerard?" I say Gerard shakes his head a little.

"No its just... what are you doing here so early man?" Gerard says yawning a little.

"I was hoping Lia was here." Bob sighs. Gerard shrugs.

Apparently after Lia stormed out of here yesterday she called up Ray and told him it was over between them and that she didn't want to see him or Bob or any of us anymore and all this crap...But that's just Lia... She goes off on these tirades sometimes... hurting everyone she knows cares...

I tried to explain this to Bob, but I don't think he really gets it... Maybe he does though... He said he wants to talk to her and try to sort everything out... That now that's its over with her and Ray that he wants to be with her with no bullshit games... I just sighed... Bullshit games are the only type of relationship Lia is good at...

Bob had went by Lia's house to try to talk to her but her dads car was still there and he was afraid to knock so early...Ahhh, poor, poor Bobby. Letting fear control him like that... That use to be me... Okay okay so I have only been fearless now for like 8 hours and I slept through 7 and a half of them! But still...

I am the new and improved fearless Elle... I thought as I rang Lia's doorbell...I looked over my shoulder... Bob and Gerard were waiting by the curb near Bob's car. 'Stay back boys!' I laughed to myself 'this is a job for Super Elle!' I thought ringing the bell again.

Mr. Watson answered. I was surprised. He should've been at work... It is Monday and all. He wasn't dressed in his usual suit get-up either...

"Is Lia here?" I say standing tall.

"Lia spent the night out." He says holding the door open for me to come in. I shake my head no. He looks over my shoulder at Bob and Gerard and frowns. "I'd really like to talk with you about what you saw." He says lowering his voice a little.

"About your whore!" I say loudly. I was hoping Jeri was home. I wanted to tell her... I wasn't scared....

"Jeri's at work Elle." He says shaking his head at me a little. "and Id appreciate if the entire neighborhood didn't know our business." He says quietly.

"Then you shouldn't have been parading your whore around town last night!" I snap at him.

"Fair enough." He says sighing. "You really are your mothers daughter." He says smiling a little. "She was a real spit-fire too."

"You DON'T know my mother and you are certainly NOT my father so don't you ever speak of her again." I hiss at him putting my hands on my hips.

"I didn't mean any disrespect Elle." He said and I kinda believed him. "I just remember what a handful she was for your papa." He sighed. I knew what he meant. She wasn't much older than I am now when she got pregnant with me... I couldn't imagine how she did that... all alone... I looked down at my snow boots and sighed... My mom had to deal with a lot of people judging her...she always told me not to do that... That every one deserved a chance to explain themselves... Hmmm... I wonder if that's where I got that need to always explain things from?

"Mr. Watson-" I start to say a little softer.

"Call me Bill." He says. I shrug.

"Okay Bill. I might have been a little..."I sighed... I couldn't apologize... he was scum... I just knew it...

"Let me take you to breakfast Elle." He says reaching for his coat on the rack near the door.

"Oh no.. I couldn't." I say stepping back a little.

"I just want to explain some things..." He said putting it on. I couldn't argue...I would just give him a chance to explain and when he finished Id tell him that I don't buy it... That's he's scum and that I'm gonna tell Lia and her mom and Grandma Rose and anyone else who would listen...

Mr. Watson started his car up as I walked back towards Gerard and Bob. I told Bob that Lia wasn't home, that she wasn't home all night actually. He looked depressed. I guess it wasn't what he wanted to hear... Gerard got the same look when I told him I was going out for breakfast with 'Bill'. I think he kinda understood why I was going... I mean 'Bill' was like my dad too... but he still didn't like it... I told him Id call them later... and to let me know if they find Lia... Fuck.. Lia.. how am I gonna tell her this???

Bill and I drove to the IHOP. He didn't speak much on the way there... Just normal how's school going type of conversation... It wasn't until we sat down and ordered and he started talking about the effects of global warming on interest rates that I freaked.

"Is this what you wanted to talk about?" I snap at him. He's refilling his coffee cup.

"I'm sorry Elle...I'm just not sure how to do this." He says looking up at me. I just stare at him back. He scratches his head a little now...

"Does Jeri know?" I blurt out.

He shakes his head no. He goes on to tell me how stressed he has been and how things haven't been going that well between him and Jeri and all these all bullshit reasons.. trying to justify it... It was making me nauseous just listening.
"So you're getting a divorce then?" I say when he's done. He nods a little. "And Jeri doesn't know yet?" I say feeling a little sicker now." Well do you think that maybe you should tell her!" I say loudly.

"Shhh." He says to me waving his hand a little. "Its not that easy Elle." He says filling my coffee cup for me. I frown at him.

"Sure it is Bill." I sneer at him. "Be a fucking a man." I say pouring some sugar in my cup. He looks at me like he can't believe I'm speaking to him like that... I don't know why he's so surprised. I lost all respect for him a while ago.

"It's more complicated than that." He says softly. I shrug... It doesn't sound complicated. "You know Lia's birthday is coming up." He says. What is he trying to change the subject?

"I know." I say. It's uh let's see... almost 3 weeks away... January 20... a few days after my mom died...

"Do you know what a prenuptial agreement is Elle." Bill says to me. Fuck.. I guess he's back to talking to me like I'm 2 years old again.

"I have a vague idea Bill." I say laughing a little.

He clears his throat and looks a little nervous. "Well uh... Jeri and I have one." He says frowning a little. I shrug. "Well see the thing is... if the marriage dissolves before all our kids are 18...uhhh." Bill was fidgeting now.

"What are you trying to say? I ask making a face at him. Lia is their only kid...

"Look Elle," he leans over the table a little. "If Jeri find out about this and files for divorce I lose... big time." He whispers loudly at me.

"You're already a loser." I say smugly.

"I am not kidding around Elle." He said forcefully. I sat back a little. He was getting a little flustered...it was making me nervous...

"Are you threatening me?" I whispered.

He sat back and sighed. " no of course not dear." He said taking a deep breath. "But I know you care for Lia...." He smiles a little. I do not like where this is going... "I've spoken to my lawyers." He says plainly... "They feel cause of Lia's behavioral problems and her age that I would be well with in my rights to relinquish my parental rights over her."

"You're gonna disown Lia?" I say outraged.

"If she's no longer in my care then the stipulation in my pre-nup is voided." He says like he's talking about turning in the lease on his Benz and not his daughter.

"You would do that to her!' I exclaim. He just looked at me. "You know how emotional Lia is!" I say to him panicking a little. "You would destroy her!" I start to yell.

"No YOU would." He says leaning forward in his chair. "If you say something...that is." He says smugly.
I wanted to reach over the table and just strangle him... How could he be so cruel?! I put my elbows up on the table and leant my head into my hands and shut my eyes.

What was I suppose to do now?