Categories > Celebrities > My Chemical Romance > I Find It Hard To Stay
Not long after Bob’s blowup at her, Pen crawled into bed to think. It was Frank’s bed; she had been sharing his room ever since Gerard had begun harping on about her needing to quit the drugs. Pen and Frank still didn’t get along incredibly well, but at least he didn’t constantly barrage her with high expectations.
All too soon, Frank joined her, and she turned over onto her side to face away from him. He ran his hand up her waist, walking his middle and index finger along her silhouette.
“Go away, Frank,” she mumbled into the pillow.
“Awh, Little Red, c’mon. I’ve had a stressful day--”
“I’m not in the mood. Can’t we just sleep?”
“…Pleeeeease?” Frank tried to pull her closer to him but she resisted.
“I said I don’t feel like it. Besides, do you want sloppy seconds? I already fucked today.”
“…When today?” Frank asked, undeterred. Pen sighed.
“A few hours ago.”
Frank thought for a moment. “…I’m not picky.”
“I said no,” Pen was getting slightly agitated by Frank ceaseless endeavor for sex.
“How about a blowjob?”
“No.”
“Hand job?”
“No.”
“How about we just make out for a while?”
“Stop begging,” Pen said coldly.
Frank was quiet for a moment. “Well…can we at least cuddle?”
“Can you promise not to try to take it farther?” she shot back. He nodded energetically, and Pen sighed, turning over. She scooted closer to him, wrapping her arms around his neck and burying her face in Frank’s shoulder. He hugged her around the waist and pulled her as close as possible, resting his chin on top of her head.
“Hey, Little Red?” he said after a moment.
“What,” she said.
“I’m giving it up. All of it. I’m done.”
Pen pulled away from Frank and looked up at him, studying his features darkened by shadows. “So am I,” she said, finally. Even in the dark, Pen could tell that Frank was smiling, and it was contagious. She snuggled even closer to him then, nuzzling his neck with her nose and smiling. He kissed the top of her head, and they both basked in the warmth of the intimate human contact.
The next day dawned brightly, and for the first time in a long time, Pen was happy to wake up to a brand new day. She felt empowered, confident, and it was real, not drug-induced. She felt that she loved these five men more than she needed the drugs. She could beat this.
She rolled out of bed and the power was instantly gone, replaced with nausea. She ran to the bathroom, heaving the contents of her stomach into the sink.
“You okay, Little Red?” Frank stood in the doorway of the bathroom, watching her. “Hell, I know what withdrawal is, but I didn’t think you’d get it so soon.”
Pen tried to reply, but she was wrought with more waves of nausea and couldn’t speak. She wanted to ask him what kind of withdrawal this was. There had been times where she couldn’t get anything for days at a time, and she had never reacted like this. Once her stomach was completely emptied, she stood and rinsed her mouth out. She turned to Frank. “What--was--that?” she coughed, shuddering.
“It was probably just withdrawal--”
“No. I know withdrawal, and that wasn’t it. Plus, it’s way too early.”
“Maybe you’re sick.”
“But I feel fine.”
“Then you must be pregnant,” Frank joked. Pen forced a laugh, but inside, she had been contemplating that very possibility. Could she be pregnant? She used condoms…sometimes. She’d had a lot of sex…Pen had to acknowledge that it was very possible that she was pregnant. However, she pushed it to the back of her mind, saving the worry for another day. Today, she was getting clean.
She marched into Frank’s room, finding every single hidden bottle of booze or concealed bag of pot or coke and tossing them out the window, or flushing them down a toilet. When the room was totally clean, she collapsed on the bed, somehow exhausted. Did pregnant women get exhausted easily? No! Pen shook her head, trying to rid herself of these thoughts. But they poked and prodded at her mind, making her ponder the impossible possibility.
Finally, she got up and went to Mikey’s room, knocking lightly before walking in. “Hey, Mikes,” she said.
“Hmm?” he was laying on the bed reading a comic book.
“Do you have any money? I uh…we stopped, and I--I need some gum. Jitters and all that.”
“You really think I’m gonna give you money to just leave the bus with, with the excuse that you just want to buy some gum? Please, Pen, give me some credit.” He said it nonchalantly, not lifting his eyes from the book.
“No, really! I swear Mikey, I just need some gum. I quit all that shit last night. Bob…Bob told me about his…he just convinced me to quit, okay? I just really need money to buy a preg--to buy some gum.”
Mikey finally looked up at her, narrowing his eyes as though trying to decide whether or not to believe her. He’d heard that line before, of course, but…this time she seemed to be sincere--No. No. Mikey shook his head, going back to his comic book.
“Please, please believe me, Mikey! I know I haven’t done anything in the past two months to earn your trust, but please. Please,” she finally resigned to begging.
Mikey looked at her. He sighed, unable to deny her any longer. “Fine,” he snapped, pulling $20 out of his pocket and tossing it at her. “I want fucking change, okay? I know how much a pack of gum costs.” She nodded vehemently as she walked out clutching the bill.
Pen ran off the bus and into the drugstore. She grabbed the nearest pregnancy test by the register and slammed it down on the counter, handing the clerk her money. The minute her change was in her hand, she ran into the bathroom. She tore the box open and peed on it quickly the minute she had shut the stall door. She walked out, flushing, and waving the stick around, waiting the longest minute of her life ever. Taking a deep breath, Pen glanced at the test. Pink plus sign. Her heart dropped, but she quickly shook the feeling. No, perhaps this was a crappy brand. She ran out and bought another one, repeating the process. She bought pregnancy tests until she was out of money, tears coating her cheeks as she leaned against the counter in the bathroom. Pink plus signs, blue dots, happy faces, little green checkmarks, she had seen them all, and they all meant one thing:
Pen was pregnant.
runs and hides Don't kill me!
All too soon, Frank joined her, and she turned over onto her side to face away from him. He ran his hand up her waist, walking his middle and index finger along her silhouette.
“Go away, Frank,” she mumbled into the pillow.
“Awh, Little Red, c’mon. I’ve had a stressful day--”
“I’m not in the mood. Can’t we just sleep?”
“…Pleeeeease?” Frank tried to pull her closer to him but she resisted.
“I said I don’t feel like it. Besides, do you want sloppy seconds? I already fucked today.”
“…When today?” Frank asked, undeterred. Pen sighed.
“A few hours ago.”
Frank thought for a moment. “…I’m not picky.”
“I said no,” Pen was getting slightly agitated by Frank ceaseless endeavor for sex.
“How about a blowjob?”
“No.”
“Hand job?”
“No.”
“How about we just make out for a while?”
“Stop begging,” Pen said coldly.
Frank was quiet for a moment. “Well…can we at least cuddle?”
“Can you promise not to try to take it farther?” she shot back. He nodded energetically, and Pen sighed, turning over. She scooted closer to him, wrapping her arms around his neck and burying her face in Frank’s shoulder. He hugged her around the waist and pulled her as close as possible, resting his chin on top of her head.
“Hey, Little Red?” he said after a moment.
“What,” she said.
“I’m giving it up. All of it. I’m done.”
Pen pulled away from Frank and looked up at him, studying his features darkened by shadows. “So am I,” she said, finally. Even in the dark, Pen could tell that Frank was smiling, and it was contagious. She snuggled even closer to him then, nuzzling his neck with her nose and smiling. He kissed the top of her head, and they both basked in the warmth of the intimate human contact.
The next day dawned brightly, and for the first time in a long time, Pen was happy to wake up to a brand new day. She felt empowered, confident, and it was real, not drug-induced. She felt that she loved these five men more than she needed the drugs. She could beat this.
She rolled out of bed and the power was instantly gone, replaced with nausea. She ran to the bathroom, heaving the contents of her stomach into the sink.
“You okay, Little Red?” Frank stood in the doorway of the bathroom, watching her. “Hell, I know what withdrawal is, but I didn’t think you’d get it so soon.”
Pen tried to reply, but she was wrought with more waves of nausea and couldn’t speak. She wanted to ask him what kind of withdrawal this was. There had been times where she couldn’t get anything for days at a time, and she had never reacted like this. Once her stomach was completely emptied, she stood and rinsed her mouth out. She turned to Frank. “What--was--that?” she coughed, shuddering.
“It was probably just withdrawal--”
“No. I know withdrawal, and that wasn’t it. Plus, it’s way too early.”
“Maybe you’re sick.”
“But I feel fine.”
“Then you must be pregnant,” Frank joked. Pen forced a laugh, but inside, she had been contemplating that very possibility. Could she be pregnant? She used condoms…sometimes. She’d had a lot of sex…Pen had to acknowledge that it was very possible that she was pregnant. However, she pushed it to the back of her mind, saving the worry for another day. Today, she was getting clean.
She marched into Frank’s room, finding every single hidden bottle of booze or concealed bag of pot or coke and tossing them out the window, or flushing them down a toilet. When the room was totally clean, she collapsed on the bed, somehow exhausted. Did pregnant women get exhausted easily? No! Pen shook her head, trying to rid herself of these thoughts. But they poked and prodded at her mind, making her ponder the impossible possibility.
Finally, she got up and went to Mikey’s room, knocking lightly before walking in. “Hey, Mikes,” she said.
“Hmm?” he was laying on the bed reading a comic book.
“Do you have any money? I uh…we stopped, and I--I need some gum. Jitters and all that.”
“You really think I’m gonna give you money to just leave the bus with, with the excuse that you just want to buy some gum? Please, Pen, give me some credit.” He said it nonchalantly, not lifting his eyes from the book.
“No, really! I swear Mikey, I just need some gum. I quit all that shit last night. Bob…Bob told me about his…he just convinced me to quit, okay? I just really need money to buy a preg--to buy some gum.”
Mikey finally looked up at her, narrowing his eyes as though trying to decide whether or not to believe her. He’d heard that line before, of course, but…this time she seemed to be sincere--No. No. Mikey shook his head, going back to his comic book.
“Please, please believe me, Mikey! I know I haven’t done anything in the past two months to earn your trust, but please. Please,” she finally resigned to begging.
Mikey looked at her. He sighed, unable to deny her any longer. “Fine,” he snapped, pulling $20 out of his pocket and tossing it at her. “I want fucking change, okay? I know how much a pack of gum costs.” She nodded vehemently as she walked out clutching the bill.
Pen ran off the bus and into the drugstore. She grabbed the nearest pregnancy test by the register and slammed it down on the counter, handing the clerk her money. The minute her change was in her hand, she ran into the bathroom. She tore the box open and peed on it quickly the minute she had shut the stall door. She walked out, flushing, and waving the stick around, waiting the longest minute of her life ever. Taking a deep breath, Pen glanced at the test. Pink plus sign. Her heart dropped, but she quickly shook the feeling. No, perhaps this was a crappy brand. She ran out and bought another one, repeating the process. She bought pregnancy tests until she was out of money, tears coating her cheeks as she leaned against the counter in the bathroom. Pink plus signs, blue dots, happy faces, little green checkmarks, she had seen them all, and they all meant one thing:
Pen was pregnant.
runs and hides Don't kill me!
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