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Spiral Tangent: 'Men and the Art of Motorcycle Zaniness' - Holly and friends gather in Godric's Hollow following the Yule Ball to sort out a few things.

Placement: 26th December, 1994- 1st January, 1995

What you need to know: Entirely too much to be recounted here. I'm also breaking my own rules by including plot-relevant activity in the Tangent that won't be recounted in the Journal. Eventually (~ Chapter 48) I'll explain why.
Sections:

Tutoring Hermione
Sirius
Remus
Bartemius
Albus

*

Tutoring Hermione [very early 26th December]

Three witches appear in a basement library with a loud 'snap'. Natalia almost immediately doffs her cloak onto the floor and shuffles into the loo. Holly watches her go, and then turns to Hermione with a grin and a flourish of her hands.

"Welcome to the Madhouse."

"I remember this room from your birthday. Why do you call it the Madhouse?"

"Because... Lily's Madhouse can be found beneath the servant's cottage at the edge of what used to be called Potter Manor."

"Oh. Ohhh!"

"Let me show you around, and I'll explain the plan."

"Do you know why Natalia just ran to the loo?"

"Something about Apparating between cold and warm places sets off her bladder. Anyway..."

Holly leads them through the Madhouse, starting in the potions lab which has been partially converted into a kitchen with the addition of an enchanted icebox and gas oven. They drop down the hatch into the gyroscope room 100 meters below, where Holly mounts the Time Turner into the Gyro and demonstrates the time dilation effect. Holly enchants it again to activate at full spin and twist, setting the delay so that they have time to return to the main level. The wave of time displacement washes across them like vertigo, but they keep their feet.

Hermione follows her friend through the storage hall with the water tank, learns of the concealed door to the bedroom and enters to find that Natalia is already dressed in her kimono in preparation for sleep. Holly then shows Hermione all the features of the loo (concealed door, seven-second-delay mirror, muffled flushing tank) and then leads her back into the main library.

They both flop into chairs near the hearth, Holly sinking lower and lower until her head is the only part of her body being supported by the chairback. Hermione laughs quietly while suppressing a yawn. Holly catches the contagion and yawns as well, struggling to sit back up in the chair normally.

"(Yaauuhhhuh!) Suuuure. I open up my heart and hearth, but you're just bored, aren't you?"

"Oh, please! If I weren't so tired I would be absolutely insane with all the things I want to look through."

"And that's where the Turner comes in- that gyroscope downstairs is set and spinning now, so this whole floor is operating at six-times speed. The bad news is that we can't leave or have others enter unless we shut down the gyro."

"...because passing through the bands of temporal displacement may cause tissue necrosis!" Hermione sits up, a second wind (more like ninth) empowering her temporary enthusiasm.

Holly sighs. "Because it hurts, yeah."

"So the 'Finite First' is a reminder to shoot a Finite down the tube so that it reflects off the mirror and stops the gyroscope."

"Yup. Brilliant, eh?"

"Yes, it is." Hermione leans forward, speaking quietly. "I have a concern. You have me stuck in here with you and Natalia for the next three days, even though Remus and Sirius should be here in twelve hours of normal time."

"Uh huh."

"Holly, did you bring me here to seduce--?"

Holly reaches forward and gently places a finger on Hermione's lips. She smiles, watching her friend's face contort through several emotions before breaking the silence.

"You are my friend. When I think of you, I think of the girl that hugged me before I confronted a possessed professor. I think of the girl that stood in a classroom of pagans and said 'God is watching'. I think of the girl that came up with panic coins using a Protean Charm as an afterthought. My Professor Granger."

Holly pulls away her finger and the girls share a kind look. Holly sighs.

"After that, I remember you as my first kiss, my first lover, and my first heartbreak. Sure, I think you're sexy and I love seeing you enthused with an idea. I want you to be happy, and I know that this collection will make that very likely."

"And then...?"

"And then we'll talk about whatever wonderful ideas you've come up with that are likely to frighten my godmother into a coma."

"But... not sex."

Holly rises from her chair, offering a hand to Hermione to help her stand. "I'm involved with another woman. Possibly several, if she gets her wish."

"I see."

"Fair warning? The other woman wants you badly. If you get very excited, you're likely to wake up satisfied but feeling like you've run a marathon and are still trying to catch your breath."

"And you're alright with this?"

"It's one way that I keep my figure."

"No, I mean for me. Why would you be alright with Natalia and I becoming... ehmm... that friendly?"

"Natalia really likes you. This is how she expresses it. If you can accept it, her love is intoxicatingly complete. At that moment, you are all she cares about. I can't think of anything that would make me happier than to see you two romping naked together without a care in the world."

"You love her, because she wants to sleep with me?"

"Yes! She has a different philosophy, but I get it, so it makes sense and I wouldn't want her to be anything except herself."

"Ironic as that is."

"Heh, yeah. That said, you make your own choices. If you need help keeping Natalia under control, just remember 'scurvy'- it's her safe-word."

"What's yours?"

"Suggesting that I should be 'nice'."

"Is there... would you want... (sigh)... will I have sex with Harry again?"

"Sure. It won't be me, though."

"Why not?"

"My rules. If you wish to express sexual attraction to me, then you're dealing with me. Harry is a figment, which is Natalia's department."

Hermione's face falls slightly, so Holly steps forward and gently hugs her.

"I think that... if you spend some time in the books for a while, you'll feel more like your old self. Learning is your passion and your anchor. I love this place because it is my sanctuary but I've wanted you here to enjoy it with me from the moment I first stepped down the staircase."

Hermione accepts a kiss on the cheek and then steps back to look at Holly with concern. "What stopped you?"

"Prison. And you dumped me."

Hermione bows her head a moment in regret.

Holly sighs with fatigue. "The elves can still travel between here and normal-time, so call for one if you need something. I'm going to bed."

"Where will I sleep?"

"It's a big bed, Hermione."

"But..."

"Remember, you have safe-words. Trust me; I think Natalia's already asleep and I'll be dozing in the middle very soon."

Hermione turns around nervously, saying, "I'll... I'll just sleep in that reading chair--"

With Hermione facing away from her, Holly pulls out her short ashwood holdout wand and aims it at Hermione's bushy locks. "Dormus. Mobilicorpus. I should have guessed you were going to be difficult."

~o~

Hermione awakens in warm comfort. She is tucked beneath layers of blankets on a large, soft bed, with a warm body spooned up behind her. A brief inventory of where their two bodies are in contact informs her that her bed-sharer is male, thin, and somewhat aroused. His manhood rests against her lower spine, their skin separated by a singlet and a pair of boxer shorts apiece.

Grinning inwardly, Hermione shimmies her hips back slightly, causing Harry's erection to grow and a soft moan to escape into her ear. The hum of his voice gives her a thrill. She gently draws his arm from where it rests along her hip, cuddling his long-fingered hand between her cotton-covered breasts. After a moment of inactivity, Hermione begins to drowse once more.

Her attention is re-awoken when Harry draws her more deeply into his embrace, a mumbled 'Mmm, H'mione.' sending another charge along her spine. Harry's cuddled hand grips her left breast softly, drawing her nipple up to a point before rolling it between his fingers. Harry begins kissing along Hermione's neckline, eliciting a heartfelt gasp. Harry's tongue reaches out to tickle her below the ear. Hermione responds by grinding back into his erection, causing his breath to hiss out and his own legs to shift and rub against the backs her thighs.

Hermione stretches away from Harry, then turns to face him only to find herself engaged in a deep and lustful kiss. Harry's tongue stabs and tickles against her own, and his hands knead her shoulders while drawing her deeper into the kiss. They break apart with a mutual gasp to stare with lust into each others' eyes.

Hermione has barely a moment to drown in the deep green irises, just visible in the candlelight, before Harry pushes Hermione back to the mattress. He pulls the thin cotton camisole out of shape and out the way of his efforts, then leans down to ravage her breasts with his mouth. Hermione's excitement doubles and she adjusts her legs, snaking one beneath Harry's hips to wrap them around Harry's lower back, drawing her lover more tightly to her heated body.

With a simple twist of his hand, Harry liberates his hot member from his shorts and guides it straight up the leg hole of Hermione's boxers, pushing aside the fabric to slip deeply into her wet folds. Hermione gasps aloud with the suddenness of the move but immediately reaches up to stab her tongue into Harry's mouth, encouraging him to continue.

They break the kiss to allow Harry to rock his pelvis upward, embedding his cock to the hilt into her core. Hermione's hands grasp at Harry's hips, and they move into a fast, driving rhythm. Hermione's young breasts barely jiggle with each thrust, but her voice becomes louder and louder.

"Oh! Oh! Ahh! Ahh! Ahnn! Ahnn! MM! MM! Yuh! Yeah!"

Harry's position shifts, startling Hermione in the change of angle. Once Harry begins moving again, she shivers in appreciation of the new stimulation. Harry changes his grip as well, bringing her pelvis up against his with more force, for an even deeper penetration. Hermione's excitement redoubles and she begins to climax.

"Huhh! Huhh! Huhh! Aiyh! Oooh! Oh God! Oh HARRY! OH GOD! YEAUGGHHHH!"

Harry's own ardour remains undiminished and he continues to penetrate her through another climax.

"MMH! MMH! Ohh! Ohh! Ohh! OHH! OHH! AHH! AHHH! AHHH! AIGH! YAAHHH! YES! AAAAAAGHhhhn!"

Harry's motion slows down, though he continues to move into and out of Hermione, keeping her buzzing in a near-constant aftershock orgasm. Hermione looks up into Harry's eyes and sees love and affection there. She sighs in blissful enjoyment, the relaxing of her muscles triggering another change in stimulation, tremors of excitement spreading throughout her core.

Hermione closes her eyes to simply feel the pulse of their lovemaking, imagining her concentration following every erotic pathway as it is stimulated. After a moment, her eyes pop open in a realisation. Hermione considers protesting, but then finds that she's too weak and agreeable to the stimulation to stop or even really consider slowing down. Nonetheless, her internal moral compass insists upon clearing up any confusion.

"Uhhn! Uhhn! TONKS! What...! What are youuuu...? Uhhnn! Uhhnn! Why are you doing this?"

"Because... you want it, and I want it, and it feels... just... perfect. Perfect..." Harry-Tonks changes his angle, the shifting of his hips pushing Hermione's legs yet wider, providing a deeper penetration. Harry's pelvic bone grinds his short-hairs against Hermione's clit, sending sweet shocks to her brain.

"OH! Ohhh! Oh. Unhhn. MMmmh. Keep going..."

Harry shifts position once more and changes up speed, causing Hermione to gasp and throw her head back in ecstasy.

~o~

Some time later, Hermione once again awakens to find herself in a warm embrace, spooned up against a thin but strong man. This time she is completely naked, and the hands of her companion are already lightly caressing her breasts, bringing warmth and excitement to her core, where well-used muscles begin to protest. She moans, then covers his hands with her own, ceasing their stimulating motion. She sits in thought for several minutes before turning to face Harry with a sad look. Harry's face looks back with kindness.

"Am I ever going to wake up in Holly's arms?"

"Maybe. She doesn't usually sleep in, though."

"Is that... from her childhood, serving her relatives?"

"No, nightmares. They're worse if we don't get to shag before sleeping."

"I had no idea."

"She still protects you from the worst horrors. I think you should press her to let you into her mind. At least... ask about Riddle."

"Alright. Natalia?"

"Yeah?"

"Don't be them for me anymore."

'Harry' reverts to Natalia's shape and smiles.

"Too weird?"

"I need for there to be truth between us."

Natalia frowns slightly and cocks her head in curiosity. "Okay..."

"I find you annoying. Even more so when you're right and I'm wrong. I used to think you were some pervert for coming in and seducing my friend, then I saw you as a rival for her affections, even if I didn't entirely want them. Then I saw you as Holly's magical slave, and I wondered if you were normally this sexual or if it was a side effect of her lust for you coupled with the Spiral."

Natalia props her head up on her elbow, looking down at Hermione in the soft candlelight with an unsure concern. "And now?"

Hermione is briefly distracted by Natalia's firm breast, now uncovered by the topsheet and resting inches from her face. She lays back on the bed to look instead at the canopy and keep her thoughts focused. "Now? You certainly are not a normal witch. Holly understands, and I am beginning to understand, that your sexuality can't be measured in a human scale. It's as if you're a different species."

"I'm about to get offended."

"Wait, please. Hear me out. I... I didn't mean for that to offend you. It's more like; how can I judge a Centaur for not wearing clothing? They have different physical tolerances and a different culture. So it is with you- sex isn't the same thing with you. It has a different meaning."

"Uh huh. Where's this ramble going?"

"I don't ascribe to your beliefs about sex. I don't think Holly does either, and it's making her a little confused. She's trying to adjust for you, but it hasn't been working out too well. This trouble with Miss Delacour--"

Natalia interrupts with a pointed finger. "Hey now! Hols was provoked, start to finish. If the Veela bint wasn't trying to dominate the room all the time, Hols wouldn'ta gotten hot and bothered about it."

"That's my point- if you hadn't been encouraging her to seek other partners as well, she might have been more inclined to simply resist the effect."

Natalia scoffs. "Not really. They first met up at the Cup, and nearly had an afternoon delight but for some errant electricity. Only... Hols looked like Jodi, so 'Flower' there never twigged to who she was when the Frenchies arrived at the school. If Hols had been open with her about it, we might already be sharing her." She gazes off into the darkness, smiling in imagining a fruitful scenario.

"Holly might have enjoyed the notion, but she... she loves you. I can see that."

Green eyes snap back to give Hermione a challenging look. "Jealous?"

"Yes! Bitch. Now as I was saying--"

"Hah! Oh my gods and goddesses, I made Kittyhawk get catty! There should be a monument--"

"Enough! Yes, I know. I'm repressed. It took extreme and magical intervention but I'm finally able to think clearly and I understand how I lost my best friend when I stopped being her lover. And yes, I am jealous. But I'd like to thank you for helping me to see myself better, and for being a better friend and lover to her than I was."

"My pleasure, a lot."

"Yes, well, that's the other point. I don't think Holly wants to take me back into her bed. She's moved on. I know she cares for me, but I think I've hurt her too much to be trusted that intimately. It's why she agreed for you to substitute for her, isn't it?"

Natalia's expression darkens. "I dunno. She's acting a bit off this morning."

"Maybe it hurts her to see us together as well?"

"Nah, that's not it. It's something about the French girl. She can't be jealous of me being with you if she didn't care when I nearly bagged Erin, Miles and Katie all in one day."

"Katie... Katie Bell is gay?!"

"No, no! I never carouse as meself at the school. Merlin's sake, girl- I'm a teacher to these kids. That'd be just wrong. No, Katie thought I was some Durmstrang wizard when she opened her robes for me. That was tempting, but the girl's still a virgin, and I can't play with newbies- it's cruel. They think sex means a future together."

"Aren't you concerned with... with diseases, or possibly becoming pregnant?"

"Can't say as I am- I can sniff an STD even before they undress, and I can only get pregnant if I want to. I'm sure there's plenty of girls that'd like to close their cervix at will, but ya can't teach that sort of thing. Of course, the risks didn't hold you back this morning either, I see. Were you hoping to bear Harry's love child?"

"No! I'm already on Madame Pomfrey's anti-pregnancy draught. You do have a way of weakening my defenses and better judgment, though. I think it would be best if... well..."

Natalia gives an exaggerated pout. "No more sex?"

Hermione looks deeply into Natalia's now-purple eyes. Hidden behind the girl's nearly perpetual optimism, she can just sense a faint anxiety.

"I think it would be best if you tried to limit your carousing to those with whom you can be honest about your identity. Just remember... I... I-I'm a bit more... fragile... than your recent partners."

"You're playing with me! You really want to keep having sex? This isn't just teasing?"

"I... ummm... " Hermione reaches forward and kisses Natalia on the lips. Nat opens her mouth partly and licks Hermione's lips in gentle supplication. Hermione tilts her head and drives her tongue back into Nat's mouth with enthusiasm. Their bodies move against each other beneath the sheets, Hermione drawing Natalia on top of her and using both hands to run through the spiky locks of the Auror. After a few minutes their kissing slows to a tender buss and Natalia leans back to give Hermione an eager grin. Hermione smiles back while rolling her eyes.

"Yes. Yes, I want to make love with you. Because you are remarkable. Amazing. And... you are a better Harry than Harry, as a lover at least."

"Yeah, well don't fault him for having human weaknesses. It helps that I can stay hard for several hours and don't have boy urges driving me to procreate. Hols may talk about Harry being a figment and all, but he's in there and dealing with the same problems as any bloke going through puberty."

"That might explain why she prefers for you to act as Harry for the most part- she already knows how to handle the common girl's hormones and is procrastinating on spending that time with the other type."

"Fair point, but I seem to recall you just saying you wanted to have sex with the real me."

"I did-- mmpphh!"

Hermione's agreement is cut off by Natalia's enthusiastic snog, which continues for a minute before she pulls back to give Hermione a feral grin.

"Let's get to it!"

Hermione sighs weakly. "Natalia, I am exhausted and famished, and don't you think Holly might want to know how we're doing?"

Natalia pulls back for a moment's consideration. "Oh. Yeah."

~o~

Hermione and Natalia emerge from the bedroom wearing their dressing gowns, with Hermione leaning affectionately into a one-armed hug from the Auror. Holly looks up from her book and smiles.

"Settled things?"

Natalia turns to look at Hermione, who smiles back. They turn to smile at Holly. Hermione responds, "Yes. We've decided to dump you and elope."

Holly chuckles. "'Bout time. I swear, if I have to hear another night of Natalia going gooey over your legs, your arse, your smile, your skin, your toes..."

"My toes?"

"She has a thing where--"

"Hey! Don't spoil the surprises!"

"Whatever." Holly smiles and returns her attention to her reading.

Hermione bites her lower lip, then says, "Holly, you know we're just joking, right?"

"No. I don't expect either of you to pay much attention to me for the rest of this holiday."

Hermione looks at Holly with concern. "Why not?"

Holly closes her book and faces Hermione. "Answer me this; did you have sex with Natalia, or one of her male simulations?"

"Well, aside from some wonderful kisses, we've kept our intimacy within the heterosexual realm so far."

"Uh huh. Would you rather want to kiss me, or Harry?"

"Well, Harry, naturally."

"Uh huh. Natalia isn't done with you, yet. You are still early in your training."

"Training?"

Natalia nods enthusiastically. "Training! We'll take a break for lunch and rest a bit. You read for a while, whatever you like, then we'll sup and then get back into it." Natalia turns Hermione's confused expression towards her own smiling face and plants a slow, lingering kiss on the younger girl's lips. She then winks and breaks away to walk through the false bookcase into the Potions lab/kitchen.

Hermione turns back to face Holly in the chair. "I don't understand."

"Hermione, one year ago (as the planet swings 'round the sun, that is), you and I broke your parents' kitchen countertop in the midst of a sexual romp. Since then, your attitudes have become more limited, not less. Natalia is going to, quite literally, blow your mind."

Hermione gulps while staring towards the kitchen with apprehension. "A-and then what?"

"And then you and I are going to take a trip into mine. Then, you'll know everything that you've wanted to know that I wouldn't answer about."

"Why must I become a lesbian--?"

"Hermione! You need to remove the shackles that limit your ability to understand alternate behaviors. You need to not flinch. Otherwise, all you're going to get out of this is nightmares."

"This is where I..."

"Trust Natalia. Yes. Just look into that bubbly happiness and then think- 'she's already been there.' Get it?"

"I... I'm beginning to understand why you love her."

"Magnificent. Just remember, this is a loan. I want her back when you're done, and don't damage the upholstery."

Hermione smirks and sets her hands to her hips. "Should I fill her with petrol as well?"

"Don't be ridiculous. She runs on water, walnuts, diced fruit, pizza and beef jerky."

Natalia returns from the kitchen carrying a bowl of fruit, adding in, "Also, semen."

"Yes, but I don't think Hermione has any."

"Smart girl like her- she could find a source."

Hermione blushes deeply.

Holly squints at her and smiles. "Hermione... do you have some sort of tale to tell?"

"No. No, of course not. Not in the least. No."

Holly looks at Natalia who is grinning wide while carefully placing the bowl of fruit onto the Octogonagall.

"I'll hold her; you tickle!"

~o~

Twenty minutes later finds all three witches collapsed on the rug, breathing heavily.

Holly shakes her head. "Ron? I mean, obviously it was a moment of opportunity, him spunking from Allure overflow, but what made you think to get a sample...?"

Hermione sighs and answers, "Newt wants siblings and using Harry's would be just... wrong!"

"Abundantly. I've already tried that and killed the outcome."

Natalia nudges Holly's shoulder roughly. "Holly, stop trying to one-up everyone on their depravity."

"Yeah, I suppose it'd just be like taking extra victory laps with the driver still aflame..."

Holly draws up her knees, rolls up into a crouch and rises from the floor, heading into the loo. Hermione and Natalia turn to look at each other with matched looks of concern and confusion.

~o~

Early into the third day (Turned), Holly and Hermione share memories. The process takes hours, with both girls delving deep into the other's mind. Close to their scheduled mealtime, Hermione slips out of the linked state, followed soon by Holly.

Hermione begins to look at Holly's body, scrutinizing her, refamiliarizing herself with Holly's curves.

"Hermione, you seem troubled."

She reaches tentatively to trace the length of the scar across Holly's collar. She then draws back and traces the next one that runs from her left shoulder across her sternum, obviously intending to trace each one in succession. Hermione then has to remove Holly's top, which she does with clinical efficiency using a flick of her wand. After returning the instrument to the bedside table she returns to her inspection, face hovering mere inches above the flesh traced by her fingertip.

By the fourth examined line, Holly is beginning to breathe deeply. Hermione's fingers carefully and intently trace across the swell of her breast, dragging just a centimeter above Holly's nipple, down between the cleavage and up again. Her progress continues undaunted, not racing or slowing down. Holly's confused look at Hermione's scrutiny is unmet, ignored in favour of Hermione's focused gaze.

Fingers glide across her ribcage.

Fingers slide across her abdomen, first above, then below her bellybutton.

Fingers trace the dips and rises of her hips, muscles tensing with the touch.

Fingers glance along the top of one thigh and jump to continue upon the other.

Hermione finishes her tracing with a touch just above Holly's right knee.

"(Gasp!) Alright, what was that all about? (Huff!)"

Hermione looks up from her crouch, gazing with concern across Holly's prone body and up into her expression of confusion.

Hermione shifts her body and climbs up to straddle Holly's waist. She leans down to look deeply into Holly's eyes.

"This should have been my torture. These should have been my wounds, my scars."

"I'm... alright with taking it for you."

"You're an idiot..." Hermione leans down and kisses Holly with love. A moment's tenderness and she changes her angle, dipping her tongue into Holly's waiting mouth. Their lips barely touch in favour of the dance between their insistent tongues. Hermione breaks the kiss to rise up and look down into Holly's eyes once more. She reaches around her waist to grasp the hem of her camisole, and pulls it up over her head to free her breasts to the warm air.

"Holly, make love to me."

An unusual nervousness crosses Holly's face. "W-why?"

Hermione smiles coyly. "Because as I recall, you're really, really good at it. And I'm ready to reciprocate each and every touch with one of my own, everywhere on your fantastic body!"

Holly frowns and gently pushes Hermione off of her, then rises from the bed.

"Holly, what's wrong?"

"I can't help you. I'm going to stop the time gyro. The lads will be arriving shortly."

Holly wraps her dressing gown tightly around her body and strides across the room, exiting into the storage hall that leads to the hatch. When she returns, Hermione is still sitting where she landed on the bed, half-naked and confused.

"Hermione, unless you intend to seduce my adoptive father or our former professor, you should put your damned clothes on!"

Hermione watches Holly pass through to the loo, her mouth agape.

*

Sirius [26th December]

I'll say, it was a good thing that Joker was guiding us to the house, because Remus fell asleep in the sidecar after we passed Dover. The madcap owl would take breaks in my friend's lap until he noticed how far I'd veered off course, then peck my arm before launching off to redirect my flight. Yet Moony ignored the whole thing and kept dozing- the faker. Full moon was over a week ago, but he still plays at being 'fatigued'.

I spotted Holly sitting at the edge of the south field, bundled in her winter wear and reading a book.

"Hey, Moony! Let's give her a buzz!"

Moony snorted awake and looked down towards my target while blinking to acclimate to the brightness of sun reflected off snow. Finally, he started being helpful.

"Sirius, you idiot! We're still invisible and Silenced!"

"What?"

THUMP

After landing twenty yards down, we both rushed to where Holly was laid out, face down in the snow.

"Good job, Padfoot. You killed you're daughter for Christmas!"

"Shut up, Moony. I know she's alive because you're teasing."

Holly lifted herself from the ground groggily, with a plaintive moan.

"Did somebody say 'ketchup'? Oh. Hi, Sirius. Nice landing."

"I'm sorry, Hols. It would have been funny if you--"

I seem to remember a buzzing noise just before I lost consciousness. I woke up with my left arm in a sling. The good part was that I was reclining on a couch in the den of a house I remembered from before my incarceration, with my daughter snoozing in my arms under a blanket. Suppose that means I've been forgiven.

~o~

"The house looks almost the same as when your parents owned it."

"Thanks. Dobby and Florean really did a job. Furnished it and everything. Oh! You have to see the solarium!"

Of course they furnished it. Dobby and I picked out the trappings together over the last month. Just one more gift for all those I missed, my heart. Someday I'll mention it, if only so she knows that the buffet, china and silverware are antiques worth more than the house. At least to collectors- this house means so much more to us than mere money.

Holly led me back to the kitchen, where the space had been doubled with the addition of a tiled greenhouse that led out to the back garden. The room was quite warm, particularly for this cold of a winter. Holly then lead me up the iron spiral staircase to the 'Observation Deck'- a deep all-season porch also accessible from the master bedroom that provided a splendid view of the forest south of the Hollow.

"You have a nice home for yourself, Holly."

"Thanks. I'm going to call it the 'Nautilus'."

"The Naughty Lass? This porch reminds me of a shipdeck, but this thing can't sail, can it?"

"No, you goof. Nautilus- it's a sea creature with spiral shell. Anyway, that's what I'm calling it."

"Why give it a name? 'Holly's house' works for me."

"I'm putting it under the Fidelius, just as soon as I can figure out how."

"Pardon me for feeling an eerie discomfort, but such protections haven't turned out well for this address."

"There's nothing wrong with the spell; it was the Keeper that was a mistake."

"I can't be the Keeper."

"I know. I wasn't asking you to."

"You have someone else in mind?"

"Yup, but you aren't going to like it. Florean."

"The ice cream man?! Why not use Natalia, or Minerva?"

"The Fidelius operates on trust. Nearly everyone I know and trust is bound to me by a vow of some sort, so the Charm won't take hold."

"The man's your drug dealer!"

"Yes, but he also redesigned this house. If there's anything Florean can be trusted for, it's pride in his work. Besides- would you have even suspected him?"

"Fair point."

~o~

Once we returned to the den and the other assembled family (Tonks, Moony and Kittyhawk), I presented my above-board gift. Remus gave me a knowing look- there's 50 Galleons riding on this wager.

Holly crouched down in front of the large box covered in wrapping paper, and with a gleam of Christmas-y avarice, she tore through the paper and cardboard within seconds. Her joy was less than overwhelming.

"A pink suitcase? Please tell me this isn't a hint-gift."

"Kids today- no sense of adventure. Now, step back a bit."

I pulled up on the handle while incanting 'Accelerati'. With a twist of the mechanism, the suitcase began to unpack itself, accompanied by that odd grinding sound I hadn't been able to eliminate.

(Hoh-Hee-Hah-Huh-whirrrr...)

There was the look of delight! Holly stood up and gazed at the re-assembled Kawasaki Ninja that I had been slaving to finish for the holidays. She stepped forward, running her hands along the casing and the leather seat.

She turned and grabbed me in a rib-cracking hug. Really. I had to use a Charm to set it. It was worth the pain, to see the absolute joy and excitement bubbling within her.

Then I lost the bet.

"Pink? It didn't come in any other colour?"

"Hah!"

I scowled at Remus' gloating but couldn't resist trying to play it through.

"You're a girl- what's wrong with pink?"

"Nothing, Sirius. Let's just move this outside. I'd like to take this pink throbbing engine you're giving me and wrap my thighs around it- see what kind of performance I can get out of it!"

Natalia and Hermione immediately fell to the floor in laughter.

"I suppose purple would have been just as poor a selection."

"I would have taken a black one for the same ride, but then we'd have too many innuendos to play with. Thank you- I love it!"

The room had already descended into a battle of similar double-entendres, but I could only hear Holly being happy. That's special dog hearing I have.

~o~

Minerva showed up in time for dinner, but she had her 'disciplinarian' face on. Holly gave her a cold hug, then explained that her Godmum had deep concerns over Holly's actions in the last fortnight. Minerva then asked Holly whether she preferred to discuss her grievances before or after dinner.

Holly chose before; "I'd like to enjoy this family time, but I won't remember it well if my family abandons me right after. Let's get this over with."

The six of us assembled around the dining table. I had no particular axe to grind, but I always like to hear how Holly's thinking.

"Alright, then. Miss Granger, why did you take the Spiral Mark?"

Hermione gave McGonagall a squint. "Who is asking the question?"

"I am."

"No, I mean, are you the Head of Gryffindor, Holly's Godmother, the Deputy Headmistress, or--?"

"I am Agent M, the controller for this insurrectionist cell. Unauthorised actions have again been taken, and I'm two steps away from aborting our greater mission and calling your parents. Why did you take the Mark?"

"I wanted... I wanted Holly's full trust. I think she's in over her head and I can't help her if I don't know everything that's going on."

"Holly, why did you give Hermione the Mark?"

"She offered sex."

"Holly..."

"Because I like to win, and someone stole her from me; from herself, really. The Mark was the only way to free her mind from the other influences."

That seemed to confound Minerva's interrogation. I don't think she really disagrees with Holly.

"Well. Since your purposes have been achieved, I'd like to know when Hermione's Mark will be removed."

Holly took this poorly. "IF Hermione asks me to do so, I'll--"

Hermione interrupted, "I'm afraid it isn't that simple."

"What? Why?"

"You haven't studied the ancient world languages, Holly. The final invocation is in Illyrian. It says 'Loyalty unto death I consecrate with this Mark'."

"No it doesn't. It says 'Unto the time when this flesh is burned away, you shall be dedicated'. I'm sure that's what the translation notes said."

"Exactly. Burial arrangements in Balkan Bronze-age cultures required warriors to be burned to ash and bone, then interred with their weapons. I accepted a bond of loyalty to you until death, and I knew it when I said it."

"Ohhh, Hermione! Natalia! I... I didn't--"

Natalia calmed Holly's worries with a loose hug. "Hush now, sweetie. I wouldn't take it back for anything. I'm yours, for eternity."

Hermione also gave Holly a hug, silently adding her support of the decision.

Minerva tried to reclaim some control. "Well, at least that's the end of it. No one else need worry for their lives, just the ones you love most."

"Err..." Holly can lie with the best of them, but something about Minerva makes her want to confess- I remember the feeling from my own days at Hogwarts.

Minerva pinned Holly with a predator's eye. "Holly... who else bears the Spiral?"

"Violet."

"Who?"

Holly just pressed her lips together, but Hermione decided then to be 'helpful'. "She means Pansy Parkinson. Holly and Padma used the Mark to split her personality somehow, so the 'loyal agent of the Spiral' half is known as 'Violet'."

It was time for me to chime in. "Good show, Hols!"

"Sirius Black! What sort of father are you trying to emulate, here?"

"The kind that adopted an undercover adult in the midst of a cold war, Agent M. Holly has successfully bound the perfect mole with an established reputation of enmity towards her and with inroads to the enemy camp. It's the sort of thing Albus has running with that slimy bastard, Snape. At least Holly can assure her agent's loyalty, which is something Dumbledore has never been able to prove of his turncoat."

"Is that the last?"

"That's it."

"Then that shall BE the last. My stars, Holly! What were you thinking?"

"At the moment, I'm thinking 'you're fired', again."

I liked hearing my daughter speak like herself again. Maybe confession is good for the soles. Wait- that doesn't sound right.

Minerva was equally confused, but for more obvious reasons. This started a tense argument that no one wanted to intrude on.

"Why are you insulting me like this once more?"

"You may be the eldest and the wisest, but I lead. Thank you for your advice, but we have reason to think the Spiral may be the key to winning this war."

"Holly, you mustn't tread the path of your enemy! This is wrong!"

"Mum, the enemy has a special advantage that enables his troops to secretly identify each other, communicate over distances, overcome minor security protocols like Obliviation, and keep their secrets from casual interrogators. I suspect a Master Occlumens with support of a Mark could even deflect the influence of truth serum. We have their technology, and have improved on it. We're using it, or else we're choosing to be defeated for the sake of your principles."

"Do you have the same stance when it comes to the Unforgivables?"

"No, but I will arm our side with ways to counter them whenever possible. I've felt the sort of pain and anger and... sadism you have to embrace to make those spells work. I will never train our people to use them."

"But you'll use them yourself, I note."

"My soul is already stained with those crimes. I will be the instrument of terrible effect, so others won't have to. I'm the killer, no matter how nicely you dress me up."

"The killer, AND the leader? Judge and Executioner?"

"I see your point, Mum, but I'm the one who gets stuck in the machinery all the time. I'm the spanner throwing off the cogs. Seems only fair if I get to choose where and how to be stuck."

(Once more into the breach...) "Minerva, what is the nature of your specific protest?"

"Holly has taken on many burdens, but I don't feel it appropriate for her to lure underage witches... or wizards, for that matter, into a binding agreement that is irreversible. It offends me!"

"Me, too, Mum. I would love it if my life was bereft of the tensions of Fate's pull. I could have been sorted into Hufflepuff and spending my days in learning and my nights in naked camaraderie."

Natalia shoved her in the shoulder. "Hey!"

"Or... y'know... so I've heard rumours."

"And how does that differ from your life now, Miss Evans?"

Holly sat back with an irritated glare. "Uhh, people keep trying to kill me and steal from me when I'm not looking. Also, I have nightmares of the sort Dementors consider delicacies. Since I can't undo the Spiral, this argument has lost meaning. Can we eat now?"

Made sense to me.

~o~

I'm not sure how, but a large dinner of roasted meat has the power to heal all sorts of family wounds. By the end of our feast, all thoughts of Marks and vows and crumbling societies had been left in the refuse pile. That didn't mean trouble wasn't brewing.

We had been chatting about our plans for motorcycle practice and clothes shopping, along with Natalia's intent to expose all of us to some moviehouse entertainments. We even teased Hermione over our present to her: a poster-sized reprint of her giving our Minister a black eye in the view of the adoring public. We left it unrolled to watch the action repeat throughout dinner, raising a cheer whenever the conversation lulled.

"Ohhh! And it's a T.K.O. for Hermione 'Groundbreaker' Granger. The champion, Cornelius 'Corn and Chocolate is a bad image' Fudge, looks to be on the ropes and--- Ohhh! There she goes again!"

Remus teased the mortified girl for us. "Seems like you're ready to fight off the suitors as well. Your fame will no doubt lead to offers of companionship."

"I have already confused the issue with my public relationships with Harry, Holly, and Viktor. I doubt anyone would dare cross those intimidating guardians just for my attentions."

Holly scoffed. "Hermione, you danced with more men at the Ball than I did."

"Only because you stopped dancing after your last trip to the loo."

"Yah. Everyone who had an agenda or that I had maneuvered into dancing with me had already stepped up."

Natalia attempted a correction. "Hols, you turned down at least four lads with ambitions--"

"You're daft. No one approached me."

"You kept giving them your death-glare, but they were lured by the honey before you spat out vinegar."

Even Minerva had some supportive words to add. "You were the belle of the ball, by my estimation."

"Thanks, Mum. Pardon me if I expect a certain bias in your opinion."

This was becoming strange. I had to add my insight. "I saw the photos in this morning's Prophet, Holly. You looked smashing, and I believe those pictures were taken before your dress began to lose layers--"

"STOP IT! Why are you all making fun of me?"

Confusion from around the table was reflected in the sudden silence.

"What's wrong, Holly?"

"I'm... unsure how to say this. Thank you for your encouragement, but I know what I am. There's no need to shore up my self-confidence. I'm a... creature. You've all been very forgiving and understanding about how I look and all, but don't make out like I'm some Parisian model. There are a few particularly damaged people that find me attractive, despite my deformities. I'm pretty sure I've been using subconscious magic to shore that up, like Hermione had suggested last year. That's all. When you go off like this, acting like I'm beautiful and admirable, it just hurts. So don't do it anymore."

Holly stood up from the table and exited the room. I could hear her leaving into the back garden through the solarium door.

We looked at each other, trying to silently nominate one of us to pursue Holly. Hermione was the first to look to Natalia, but the rest of us soon joined her in realising that my cousin wasn't the one for the job- she was breaking down crying, herself.

Minerva stood up. "Sirius, I believe your daughter needs you right now. Hermione, will you aid me in moving Miss Tonks to the den where we might have a private discussion? Remus..."

"I'll clean up. Thank you, Minerva."

~o~

I strode out into the snowy darkness near the house, calling, albeit quietly, to find my daughter. "Holly? Holly!"

"Drew the short straw, did you?"

I turned to find Holly crouched behind the fieldstone wall, a circle of heat having melted away the snowbank and dried the grass beneath. It gave me pause, not recognising the magic used, but I walked over to hop the wall into Holly's temporary sanctum. The cold wind still stole the heat from me- no doubt why Holly was crouching. "I was appointed, but Minerva was right to send me. May I say something?"

Holly stood up to face me with a scowl, though she stepped back to the edge of the circle of warmth, keeping her distance. "Let me guess. 'You are deluded in thinking that you are anything but a wondrous flower, my daughter.' Either that or, 'forgive the creepiness, but if we weren't acting related I'd totally do you!' So which is it?"

"Come here."

Holly stepped up and looked up at me with a defiant frown. I slapped her across the face, hard.

"Ow! What's your--?"

"You stupid bint. I don't care how many scars you get; the people who love you aren't deranged. Your lover, my cousin, is bawling her eyes out over you. She's a metamorph- a magical fuck machine--"

"To Hell with you! That's a complete... how DARE YOU! You take that back or... I'll initiate a line succession crisis!"

It's an interesting way to say she'll kill me. This is when I realised that Holly wasn't up on family history- it was probably the case that Natalia didn't even know. "Ah. Holly, calm down a moment and allow me to explain. I have to share a little Black family secret with you. You are aware that Natalia's mother is Andromeda Tonks, born Andromeda Black?"

"Yeah- what of it?!" The little spitfire was still looking murderous, so I chose not to draw out the storytelling.

"Andromeda upset my mother, who was her aunt and the House Matriarch, and she did it by choosing to fall in love with, and marry, a muggleborn wizard."

"For which they were all ousted from the Blacks. Your mum sucks."

"She did suck and is thankfully dead now, but it was Father who ousted them. Mother took a particularly personal revenge for the insult by cursing Andromeda directly. Mum said..." (and I tried my best shrill cackling Mum impression, here,) "'IF you're determined to whoooore yourself out to this FILTH, then whoooores are all that you shall beGET!' and then she hit Andi with a curse. It was an old family recipe- the victim will always have daughters and they will be built to be sexual.

"A Metamorph is the ultimate expression of that curse. They don't tend to be too strong-willed or intelligent, except in pursuit of their sexual release. Full Metamorphs are very rare, because very few families survive annoying the House of Black. You can find partials here and there descended from the few families and individuals that were able to make restitution to us."

Holly blinked several times in thought before glaring back at me. "What's your point?"

"Holly, she's not supposed to care! Metamorphs like Natalia make Veela seem chaste and virginal. And yet, Natalia would die for your approval. Monsters don't generate that sort of love. You are powerful and gifted enough that your love has broken through a very dark and powerful curse!"

"That's utter tripe! She had her own will to start with. Natalia is special, and capable, and brave, even without me!"

"Fine, then she's a miracle who loves you. Either way, you're no monster. Now, tell me why you suddenly feel misshapen, and when did it start?"

"Wha-huh?"

She's cute when flummoxed, but I was trying to stay focused. "You're under the influence of something. Everyone's confused back there because they're assuming as usual that your mental defenses are like the Rock of Gibraltar. When did you start feeling like this?"

My daughter rolled into a rant. She's quite the adept.

"Forever! You might recall I was born male! I wasn't raised to be regarded as human, then I came to Hogwarts to prove my relatives right about my freakishness. I was mutated instead of being allowed to die like any decent but untrained hero trying to slay a giant serpent. That would have finally ended my pain but NOOOO! You must remember me mentioning about what used to come out of my snatch! Then I grew bouncing boy-attractors overnight and by the end of the week the pervs had mangled them! Vernon's attempt to reuse my magical blood as lawn fertilizer left a nifty carbuncle through my viscera that's no doubt a crowd-pleaser. Add to that the screaming demon stuck to my forehead and I can't see how anyone DOESN'T flinch when they meet me!"

"That's shite. I know the difference between bluster and true confidence. You've been sure of yourself the whole time I've known you. And yes- I wanted to hump you as Padfoot, twice as badly as I had ever felt the urge with Lily. That's me responding to your confidence, just as I had responded to hers- it's not like I'm attracted to your tits when I'm a dog." (Good thing, too.) "So when did it start?"

"I told you- it's always been there, and the night of the ball just threw a reminder right in my face."

"A-ha!"

"'A-ha,' what?"

"What all happened to you at the Ball?"

"I was costumed up like a normal girl! I spent the evening pretending to be normal while everyone around me bought into the deception. I was the Dancing Bear, part two. The remake of Joe Merrick as a s-s-slag." Holly angrily rubbed away her errant tears. I didn't reach for her- my best way of supporting her was to let her get angry.

"Specifically, Holly. What specifically occurred that night?"

Holly stopped her anxious almost-weeping to apply some concentration to my question.

"I... my room was ransacked by some Ministry toady; I had to fend off Natalia so she wouldn't break character and make it look like Harry was in love with his sister; there was the banquet, dancing...; wait, I fixed Ginny's dress, then forced George to give Nev a cure for a drunkenness potion, then the pictures..."

"You fixed her dress? She couldn't toss a Reparo for herself?" (This wasn't a relevant detail, but I had to ask for the sake of Marauder honour- there's a standard for professional pranking, one I should probably write down someday.)

"Sirius, it wasn't broken- I modified it. Molly Weasley heard that her only daughter was attending the ball with The Most Blessed Harry Potter and sent along the best dress she had- which happened to be their family wedding frock. I re-tailored it. It's not a big deal, even if I don't like to think of my days sewing skirts out of Dudleys' fart-infused trousers."

"Eugh! There's an image..."

"Quite. Anyway, there was pictures, food, dancing, Neville got hit with Stinksap, Draco danced with me and offered an alliance with possible betrothal..."

"I thought you said he was not-you in every way?"

Holly made a dismissive wave. "He has no interest in me as a lover, but sees the two negatives as being a positive. That's nothing but politics."

"Interesting, though. Alright, go on."

"Umm, I cornered the duelling instructor from Brazil into dancing with me after he mistook me for a young professor. I danced with Luna, then took her back to her dorm and kissed her goodnight. Neville danced with me again once the Stinksap had finally been removed, but he bailed halfway through."

"Why?"

"Not sure. I was going to ask you, actually. He said he was mistaken to think I was a girl when I am clearly a woman, then he corrected himself to call me a lady. He bowed and skipped out. Y'know, maybe you're right- it's from then on is when I felt like reconstituted prostitute parts."

That got me scowling in thought.

"I didn't think it affected me this badly. Maybe I should just... stick to girls..."

"Maybe you should shut up and let me think a minute."

"I've checked myself for charms and the like and the jade ring would have buzzed for a potion."

"Women and mouths! You're just a chatterbox, aren't you?"

"Only when I'm on a rant or working a problem. Anyway, after Nev bolted I kept bumping into Fleur until I finally had had enough and dragged her into the loo for a... conversation."

"Kept bumping into her?"

"It was her version of a siege- every few minutes she'd throw out another bout of Allure into the room, usually directed at whomever I was with. By the time I confronted her on it I was close to violence. It would have been worse except I couldn't decide whether I wanted to kill her, rape her, rape her and then kill her or something more inventive involving... ghosts and... rope."

"Ah. This one's the Veela champion, right?"

"At least partly. She obviously carries the talent for it. We fought; I won and even held myself back from permanently disfiguring her."

I gave Holly a worried look. "What the hell kind of spells were you throwing?"

"No magic. I called it for wandless and she accepted; as it turns out she's been trained in kickboxing." Holly shrugged.

"Why did you choose wandless?"

Holly bowed her head with a slight nod of guilt, I should think. "I... I wanted to get into a grapple with her, then show myself as Jodi, thinking she'd let us get physical in a more enjoyable way. Hard to do when her technique kept me out of range."

"Kinky."

"Yeah. Although to be honest..."

I waited a minute for the thought to be finished, but my daughter was obviously having a problem with making too many confessions in such a short period. "What?"

Holly decided to stare at a very slow-moving rock on the ground. "I'm also a terrible shot, so I figured a brawl would give me an advantage over a duel, which it did."

I tipped Holly's face up to see my smile- I saw this as another opportunity for us to spend time together. "We'll have to work on that!"

She smiled back ruefully- I think she's looking forward to it, too, even if it makes her feel less accomplished. I'll have to remind her later that I'm a trained Auror, if a bit rusty.

She stepped forward and traced the lapels of my velvet jacket with her hand. "Yeah. So. Any ideas?"

Something about this was so familiar. It had to do with Veela and a particularly potent fantasy I'd had on twenty or thirty occasions... Ah!

Holly looked intrigued by my wide, evil grin.

"What?"

"I have good news and very good news."

"That's unusual for me."

"I'd reckon so. The good news is that Miss Delacour's the one that spun your head. Allure is used as instinctive defense- it makes men dim and other women to doubt themselves. If she was using it like a weapon, as you described, I'll wager that it would accumulate. You just need to get rid of the layers of Veela slime she's crapped onto your heart and you'll be right as rain!"

"Good. How do I do that?"

"I'm sure you and your girls will find a way..." I winked at her but really I was struggling not to visualise the necessary sexual antics between those young women, two of whom are closely related to me in some fashion. Curse my fervent imagination!

"Really? I suppose the usual victim wouldn't feel worthy of sex and thus be stuck in their pit of doubt for a long while. Kinda like I've been for the last few days. What's the really good news?"

"Eh? Oh! You've defeated her heart and her body. Legend has it, if you also duel her in magic and win, she'll be yours."

"Mine?"

"As in chattel. She'll be your concubine."

"Is this legal?"

"Legal or no, it's supposed to be the nature of Veela. In the current environment I'd say we'd be likely to get support for having her classified a magical creature. The Black's would look darker still and everyone else with a mind to own a Veela would jump on the bandwagon saying 'we're just following the law as it is written...' It's amazing the kind of legislation you can push through while in exile. I didn't used to care, but now that it's difficult, I almost enjoy the challenge. And to have a bound Veela as the trophy, well..."

Holly met my humour with a pointedly stern look. "She's only part-Veela. Besides, I wouldn't want to enslave her. In case you hadn't noticed, that's really not my thing. It's really my not-thing. It's really what I'd like to prevent happening, ever again, to anyone."

I nodded kindly to assure Holly that I was only teasing. "Just be aware of the possibility. You may want to specifically not get into disagreements with her, so that she sees you are not trying to enslave her. There was one story where that worked wonders for political leverage, and this one's even the first daughter of a diplomat."

Holly calmed a bit and gave me a teasing scowl. "Studied this, have you?"

"The books on Veela have some very provocative woodcut illustrations. They were some of my favorite bedtime reading, growing up." And they still are. I just don't want to go home to get them.

"Hah! When did you grow up?"

"'Round about the time my daughter killed a dragon. It's a sobering thought to know you're legally responsible for Europe's most dangerous debutante. Can we go in now? It's freezing."

Holly wrapped her arms around me, hugging me tightly.

"Thanks. Thank you."

"Just fulfilling my duty, love. And as warm and enjoyable as this is, I'm still freezing." And struggling to keep our relationship from deteriorating into typical Black territory. She may be a little stocky, but Merlin, she's a looker! Just be proud, Padfoot. Just be proud.

~o~

We returned to the dining room where Holly immediately strode over to Natalia and kissed her, to everyone else's relief and mild applause. They looked into each other's eyes, holding a quick non-verbal conversation that provoked tears from them both and another kiss, after which they returned to the table with hands clasped together, though they remained standing.

"Alright. Sorry about before. Turns out Miss Delacour is trying to defeat me in my own mind. I just need to find where she left her juju and I can probably remove it. I was thinking... maybe an orgy would clear my head--"

I sighed dramatically. "Natalia, please take your lover, my daughter, to bed- she's obsessing. It's making the conversation drag."

"Sure, Pads. Holly- go to your room!" Natalia's 'mother-pose' brought out another chuckle.

Holly smiled. "Yeah, alright. I can see when I'm not needed. I have to personally apologise to you, anyway. In the Madhouse."

"Plan for that to take at least a few hours, missy."

"Thank you all- I think I found the poison in my brain."

"And I'll be along to suck it out in a trice, m'love."

(Groan!)

Holly disapparated. Natalia turned back to the rest of our assembly, looking a little teary-eyed.

"Thanks, sooo much. I... I think she might be back to normal soon."

Hermione interjected as Natalia moved to follow Holly, "Anything you want to do about Fleur?"

"Let's let Holly make that call, eh?" Natalia smiled once more and departed with a 'pop' as well.

I turned a kind face to the remaining women (Remus included). "Hermione, I believe the library is closed for the evening. Would you like to join us for an extended game of cards in the den?"

"Yes, please. I think I'll leave this reconciliation to the Olympians."

"Minerva? I brought a twelve-bottle survival kit from the chateau..."

"Oh? Excellent. I suppose my paperwork can be given a holiday as well. Lead on, Mr. Black."

If I'd known in my youth that my Head of House could be swayed by good liquor, we could have accomplished so much more. Ah, well. Time and tide...

*

Remus [early 27th December]

It is late when Minerva finally retires to a spare bedroom, not trusting her skill at Apparating across the whole of Britain while three sheets to the wind. Remus then shoulders his drunken friend up the stairs to dump him onto another bed. The werewolf returns to the den to find Hermione still awake, reading through one of Lily's journals while reclined on one side of the sofa.

"You should consider sleeping. The book will be there in the morning."

"Actually, this book will automatically return to the Madhouse if I leave it untouched for a few hours. Lily used the same 'tethering' spell, the one Madame Pince applies to books in the Hogwarts library, to keep her personal collection intact."

"Of course she did. Lily got it from the Potter Grimoire. The Potters were the ones to invent the spell in the first place."

"Do you know the spell?"

"No, because I'm not a Potter or the Hogwarts librarian; but I recall Lily's excitement from when she told me about it. That was the last time we spoke before I was sent away on mission. The last time we ever spoke, really."

Hermione gestures to the other side of the sofa, inviting Remus to sit. The werewolf follows the movement and slumps down into the comfortable furniture, rubbing his eyes in fatigue.

Hermione sets her book on a nearby coffee table and turns to lean closer to Remus on the couch.

"It must have been awful, having to live alone for so long."

Remus looks at Hermione suspiciously.

"I wasn't alone. I was infiltrating werewolf packs, trying to build alliances.

"Yet you didn't come back to civilization, once Riddle was thought to be gone?"

"I did, but I had very little success without my friends' support. Sirius and James were always very... forthcoming with their generosity. It's something I've never been comfortable with; asking for or accepting help from others."

"You know this, yet you were isolated for a long time?"

"I know this now, as it was pointed out to me by a very dear and clumsy friend of ours."

"Does it upset you that she and Holly are together?"

"Together?"

"I mean, at the moment. Does it bother you--?"

"Please, Hermione. Can we talk of something else?"

"Right. Sorry." Hermione blushes slightly.

Remus sits quietly a moment, then moves to rise from the sofa. Hermione interrupts him with a question.

"How much of Lily is in Holly, by your estimation?"

Remus pauses in concern.

"What makes you think of it?"

"I'm wondering if you see elements of the one you loved so long ago. In a way, you've been given a second chance as well."

"I am not interested in Holly. What's more, she is not interested at all in me. From that, I would guess that Holly is most like Lily's daughter. She has lived her own life and formed her own opinions, separate from Lily's."

"You think if she remembered more of Lily's life, she'd be attracted to you?"

"I... I don't know. Why is this important?"

"My friend and I first had sex at a young age, and I'm trying to understand if it had more to do with my stretching for maturity to prove my intelligence or her already having maturity and simply moving us to catch up to where she was comfortable."

"Lily was never interested in girls. She even rejected the advances of a dear female friend."

"Who?"

"Marlene McKinnon. She was killed with her family only a week before the end. It was their deaths that drew me home. They were in the Order."

"So much tragedy has been a part of your life. I'm so sorry, Remus."

Hermione caresses his hand resting on his thigh. He reaches the other hand to pat hers. When he looks up, Hermione is staring into his face. The unmistakable signs of attraction reach toward him, captured by his keen senses. The flushed face, the deeper breaths, scents of nervousness and arousal, all begin to set the man's heart to pumping. He reaches forward to touch the side of Hermione's face. She moans lightly and her eyes flutter shut in response to his caress.

She moistens her lips, then purrs, "You don't have to be alone, Remus."

He leans forward, his own heart's beat overpowering the reason that tries to scream at him to get up, step away, not touch the warm and attractive girl in front of him.

"H-Hermione, you... you should..."

"I should what, Moony? What do you want me to do?"

A suspicious thought breaks through all the blood-pumping and scent-revelling that would overcome his reason, his humanity.

"Hermione, why are trying to seduce me?"

"Ummm...."

Remus stands quickly, looking at the young- VERY young- girl on the couch and growls down at her sternly.

"Answer the question: why are you trying to seduce me?"

"Natalia and Holly ARE together. I think you should accept that and move on. I am attracted to you, as I have been since we first met. I think you would do well to seek loveplay in a... fresh field."

"This is about Natalia?"

"No!" Hermione stands to face Remus directly. "This is about you! Why didn't you let me seduce you?"

"You're much too young!"

Hermione glares at him challengingly.

"Well, perhaps not TOO young, but too young for me."

"By what scale? Age? Does six years really make that much of a difference? Is Natalia really that much more mature than me?"

"Yes! No. Hermione... I think you are a wonderful girl and will become a startlingly attractive woman. I would be a fool to turn you down once you've grown into your powers and capabilities. But right NOW, I'm involved with the most wonderful woman. Natalia has... a special gift that makes her a perfect match for me."

"Only you?"

"What?"

"Are you the one that would be the perfect match for her?"

"I... I would like to try."

"I'd like you to not try."

"Why? Even if Natalia decides to end our... encounters, I have no intention of pursuing you."

"She has decided. I'm trying to ease you off, gently. If you can see the truth of things, you'll be able to move on without bitterness or regret."

"What? Is this some sort of sociological experiment, Miss Granger?"

Hermione stares at him from beneath lidded eyes. "Would you find that enticing?"

"Stop it! We will not be having sex, Hermione."

Hermione shifts into a playful tease. "Fiiine. I see how you are. Play hard to get. I'll find your weak spot, and then you're mine!"

Remus steps back and forward again with a puzzled look. "Who are you?"

The witch stands with hands at her hips, not unlike a pulp hero. "Hermione Granger, confident witch. Puncher of Poncey Ministers. Mildly bisexual, and chronologically sixteen in February. Shall we set a date? I can be delayed, but I will have my man!"

"This is a prank, and a poor one at that."

"It's no prank! (Huff!) Holly and Natalia are in love. Natalia has proven to you how love-worthy you are. I am looking for the traits she has that attracts you to her, so that you can see them in me! I've tried being provocative, fun, teasing, forthright,..."

"Yes, but why?!"

"So that you'll move on, but still work with us! God! We've been trading letters since the first of term, about the Map and Moody and the identity rings. I know you enjoyed the correspondence, and for me, they were almost love letters. If you want to see me strip for you, just start talking about Arithmantic derivations for the creation of a magical integrated circuit!"

"You really are attracted to me."

"Yes, and you are to me- don't deny it. My guess is that there are three traits Natalia possesses that hold your attention away from me; unending endurance for sex, a positive attitude and a legal status that makes her barely appropriate for someone your age."

"I... I find her..."

Hermione steps forward with a glare. "Frustrating, flighty, clumsy, silly, sex-obsessed, annoyingly outgoing and difficult to be around."

The tired man pauses in consideration, before quietly responding, "...yes."

Hermione smirks in agreement. "Me, too."

"We... we can't be together, now. I can't. I have to find someone..."

"Strong. How strong do you think I will be in ten years, Moony?"

"Very. AND if neither of us is involved in ten years, I'd like to accept that offer, Hermione. But not now."

"Only if you promise to look for love elsewhere in the meantime. Pining after me would be unhealthy in so many ways. Just ask Holly."

"No, I don't think I will."

"You're still upset about Natalia."

"Well... yes."

"Professor... Moony? Be a gentleman- you had lost before you started."

"Why do you say that?"

"Holly asked Natalia to take you into her bed. They refer to it as your therapy."

"I... that's preposterous! How in...? What gives her the RIGHT? How can they PLAY WITH PEOPLE.... and you're just laughing along with them, I suppose?!"

"No. But they were right to do it. I see you're able to become angry without hurting people now, too."

"I... how... why... but...? Why would you think they were right?"

"Oh, I would never have suggested or approved of the idea, but the results are quite obvious. You are an attractive, powerful, thoughtful wizard. You have some baggage, carried perhaps a bit more obviously than some. But there's no question that you are worthy of love, and you know that now. You know it because two witches went out of their way to prove it to you."

"Were you selected as their spokesman?"

"Spokes-person, but no. I chose to speak to you about this. I empathise with you because... (sigh) they just pulled the same prank on me. I am an adjunct to their loveplay. I know they both care for me, but only insofar as I can't possibly interfere with their happiness together. In this also, we are two of a kind."

"Oh. I'm so sorry, Hermione."

Remus wraps Hermione in a kind embrace. She tightens her grip around his midsection, allowing her hands to wander south. "I'm not. We all deserve love. So, would you... like to do something terribly inappropriate with me? I promise; I won't tell."

Remus carefully extracts Hermione's hands from his buttocks, bringing them around and up to hold them in front of his chest. He gives her a baleful look and kisses the knuckles before releasing his grip. "I... really think I should start looking to date in my own age category."

Hermione smiles, kisses Remus on the cheek and says, "Good for you."

His shoulders sag. "You weren't interested either, were you?"

Hermione catches his eyes and gazes up with a meaningful expression. "Moony, I'm very interested." Her intense look breaks into a grimace of panicked amusement. "Also, I'm frightened down to my socks that you'll accept the offer!"

Both laugh lightly.

"Natalia was very interested as well, you know? She had to be told to stop the 'therapy'. Don't twist this around again; You. Are. Fanciable. I'm going to hold you to your promise, as well- you have one decade to find a companion, or else I'm coming after you."

Hermione smiles and then returns to her reading chair, retrieving the open book from the ottoman.

"Woe betide any who stand in your way!"

Hermione points at the lanky man with her book. "And you'd better run- I think by then I will appreciate the challenge of the hunt."

Moony smiles. "Goodnight, Huntress."

"Goodnight, Professor."

Moony pauses at the sliding door to the hallway and shakes his head. "Hermione, I'm not your professor anymore."

"Perhaps not, but you are due the respect of a scholar. Now go away, or I shall taunt you a second time!"

~o~

The next morning at breakfast, Moony drags the disheveled but silly-happy Natalia off into the dining room for a chat.

"How are you, Natalia?"

"Hngry, whch zwy 'm eetin a bifkt."

"Listen, then. (Sigh.) Hermione approached me last night, offering to console me for losing your attention."

"Diyu fp...fck... (Gulp)... did you do her?"

"No!"

"Your loss; she's a pistol, with a delightfully sensitive trigger."

"I... uhh... Never mind that. What she said was that you and I... our relationship..."

"Yeah?"

"She said you were just trying to help me. That this... our love... was some form of therapy."

"How do you feel about that?"

"Used."

"Really? 'Cause if anyone was used, it was me. Thankfully, I bear no grudges in this area. You're a kind and decent man, Remus. You have a deep well of emotion to offer the lucky witch or wizard that you find for yourself. Start looking. It's time. Bury Lily and walk forward. I'll be around if you need some tea and sympathy, but me first love is the short witch with the attitude. Alright?"

"I... "

Natalia wraps her arms around his shoulders and gives Remus a deep and lingering kiss of love. When she's done, she steps back with a brilliant smile that makes Remus warm in his center.

Natalia turns to head back into the kitchen but finds that the sleeve of her pullover is caught on the button of Remus' jacket. It takes them ten minutes and two laughing fits from Natalia to extricate themselves and return to the meal.

*

Bartemius [29th December]

The sound of a whirring engine rolls along the gravel pathways in the foothills near Bath. A leather-clad woman astride a cherry-coloured sport bike peaks over the rise, heading towards the iron-gated entrance of an isolated manor house tucked amidst a dense area of forest. Her pace slows as she turns towards the gate; it opens suddenly at the gesture of a small humanoid creature wearing Yule garland as a serape. The motorcycle grinds to a wobbly halt several yards within the courtyard, and the small creature re-seals the gate behind them before running to hop into the cyclist's lap. The motorcycle revs back to life and the pair rides the rest of the way to the manor's entrance.

Minutes later, the short creature leads the woman armoured in black leather down a wide hallway. The woman removes her helmet and gloves as they walk.

"You're sure he's up for this?"

"Winky thinks Mistress shouldn't wait any longer."

Soon, she is led into the salon of Bartemius Crouch. He sits in a high-back chair near the roaring hearth, though he looks ill-heated by the fire. He is wrapped tightly in quilted comforters, yet shivering and pale.

"My Mistress to see you, my Master Crouch."

"Winky, I am not your Master--"

Holly steps forward into his view to interrupt. "I think she considers it a term of affection, sir. I am not offended, in any case."

"Miss... Evans. Have you come to settle the debt?"

"No, sir. I have come to talk with a respected authority, if you'd be willing to spend the time."

"Yet still, I am indebted to you for the loan of my own elf back into my service."

"I didn't do it for you, sir. I did it for Winky, which is the same reason I've come here today."

"What are you talking about?"

Holly gives him a meaningful look, but his expression of annoyance remains. Holly repeatedly taps a ring against the helmet in her hand, while glaring at the old man.

Finally, she sighs and explains her momentary reticence; "I'm not talking about anything, unless you'd like me to sit with you for awhile."

Barty Crouch glares at Holly for a moment before sighing in resignation.

"Please accept the hospitality of my hearth, Miss Evans."

"Thanks." Holly hands her gloves and helmet to a smiling Winky and whispers, "Hot tea and service, don't you think?"

The elf nods enthusiastically before disappearing with a 'pop'. Holly unzips her jacket and sits down in the chair opposite Barty, relaxing into the antique cushioning. The elder wizard goggles momentarily, no doubt half-expecting Holly to be unclothed beneath her leathers but he is calmed to find her wearing a knit pine-green pullover. Wrapping himself more tightly into his quilts, Barty eyes his guest warily.

Holly leans forward to address her host in a kind, quiet voice while still being audible. "You've fallen out of favour with the world, sir."

"I suppose I should not be surprised at your lack of respect, then."

"Sir, I'm on holiday and here as a favour. Excuse me if I don't want to waste time on all the useless pleasantries, when we're the only people in the room."

"Why are you here?"

"Winky thinks you've lost the will to live. She asked me to come here and see if I could help you find a new purpose."

"Serving you?"

"Fighting Voldemort. He's coming back."

A coughing fit overcomes Barty in reaction to the Dark Lord's name. Holly rolls her eyes.

"Oh, please..."

"It... (cough) is impossible. Your brother saw to his demise. No one can return from the dead."

"Really? Then why do you flinch at his name? Either he's dead and gone with no reason to fear, or he's not, and your caution has good cause. If you're hedging your bet in case of the latter, then why not indulge me in the hypothetical, at least?"

"You are unusually well-spoken for one so young."

"It's not the years, it's the mileage..."

"Eh?"

"It's the mileage that causes the wear and tear, which I've accumulated like Magellan. Will you hear me out?"

Winky appears, pushing a rolling tray populated by a silver tea service and a wide variety of edibles. Barty leans forward to accept a cup of tea from the elf, grumbling, "For as long as the tea lasts."

"Right." Holly pops a petit-four into her mouth, humming in satisfaction before continuing. "There's a reason people doubt that he's gone. The way he was killed doesn't seem like magic so much as a miracle. You don't understand it, so you don't believe it. If I tell you why I think he's alive, would you be willing to help me find a way to kill him permanently?"

"Is this not what Dumbledore works towards? Albus told everyone, back then, that he feared the Dark Lord was defeated but not destroyed. He warned of his eventual return and used that concern to excuse hiding your brother from the public. And you, I would suppose."

"Good supposing. So Albus tells everyone that Riddle's still alive but people don't believe him, even though they believed him when he said 'that smear there, that was him'? Pretty weak, by my reckoning."

"Riddle? Is this some new moniker for He-Who-Must--"

"Tom Riddle renamed himself Lord Voldemort--"

(Cough!)

(Sigh.) "...to cover for his humble beginnings, I suppose. He's just acting like a Lord. I don't use his stage name to speed along conversations."

"Extraordinary. How did you discover this, when so many have puzzled at his origins?"

"Albus confirmed it after I discovered the truth in an enchanted diary. I could never figure out why he wouldn't just share that critical information, as Tom Riddle was an orphan, and thus hardly likely a pureblood."

"No doubt he neglected to mention this other truth when it served no purpose but to make him seem like a raving lunatic. Albus's story never wavered on the events at the Potter home, but he recanted on the warning when it was obvious that public support was lacking. He held onto his position by desisting in the warnings, or any talk of the Dark Lord not specifically related to prosecution of his followers. His reputation very nearly was destroyed by his folly, much as mine was for finding my own son in the ranks of the enemy. Albus used what little cover he had to protect himself, and his associate, Snape."

"Sir, it's becoming clear to me that I need to study history a bit more closely, and that you might enjoy hearing about the truths kept hidden for a generation. Do you think we can reach an accord?"

"Tell me, why should I believe that you are not the Dark Lord's successor, trying to bend me to your corruption?"

"Well, first of all, I don't find you in the least bit attractive. Second, the 'Dark Lord' killed my mother and countless others just for being in his way. The only things I've killed were trying to kill me. Judge me by my actions. Anyway, I just want to talk. You can choose not to tell me any secrets you think are too dangerous for others to know- most of my questions are for getting a clearer perspective on past events. The adults I know have this annoying tendency to want to shelter me from the truth, if only to cover for their embarrassing actions at the time. You don't like me, so you should have no desire to coddle or impress me."

"What if I refuse?"

"Then I've done Winky the favour she asked, and you can be left to stew alone in your house with nothing but ghosts and regrets for company."

"Or I could leave to speak to more polite and enjoyable companions."

"That works for me, too. If you're out in the world, we'll have one more ally for when Riddle returns. I recommend you call on Director Bones, as you'd be able to talk shop. She's not too sure about me either."

Barty squints at Holly for a few minutes, the crackling fire the only disruption in the silence. Holly's calm gaze remains unbroken until he finally sighs into his comforter.

"Winky! I think we should extend Miss Evans' invitation to include dinner. Prepare something savory."

Holly smiles in satisfaction. She taps her foot and her bike leathers disappear, replaced by her charcoal dress robes with the forty buttons down the left side.

"There. That should put you at ease."

Barty smiles in appreciation of Holly's more upscale and wizardly attire. "It does, though now... I feel underdressed!"

"I'm willing to wait if you'd like to adjourn to wash up."

"Yes... yes. It's time I cleansed off the grime of the past and faced the day anew."

Barty rises from his chair stiffly and then shambles out of the study towards the staircase.

"Winky."

The elf appears with a 'pop', a pleased grin stretching across her face.

"Mistress is my mistress!"

"Yah. Give him a hand and add some Pepper-up to the broth or something."

"I will do it happily, my mistress!"

*

Albus [January 1st]

The five who have been living together have assembled in the library of the Madhouse, breaking in a new couch to go with the added reading chairs to host the larger group of regular visitors. Holly is standing behind the couch, leaning over Natalia to hold her in a loose hug as the laughter and teasing rises and falls in their conversation.

Sirius groans through the retelling of how he abandoned Holly in a diner because he had successfully seduced their comely waitress. To defer further torture, he comes up with a distraction.

"Hols, are you sure Minerva knows that we're dining here and not in the Nautilus?"

"Yeah. I explained how the elves have the day off and that I was cooking. I had to assure her that I was playing chef instead of Natalia, several times, before she would agree to come."

A pop echoes from the base of the staircase, heralding the arrival of guests.

As the others turn to greet the new arrival, Holly draws two wands and begins firing off spells.

Albus Dumbledore's wand work deflects or absorbs Holly's inital attacks, but he is hard put to keep up when four more wands begin lobbing hexes at him.

Holly's expression changes when she sees Minerva grab at her chest and collapse to the ground. Her attacks speed up and her concentration intensifies.

Suddenly, a red, flame-like halo engulfs the Professor's head, and he collapses to the floor. A second Holly appears, standing directly behind the headmaster with her wand still smoking in crimson. The new Holly nods at the original Holly, who then turns to exit the room into the potions lab.

Remus double-takes several times in annoyance. "Where's the other one going?"

The new Holly answers. "Moony, it's me. I just left, Turned back an hour and kept watch on the proceedings until Uncle Gate-crasher showed up."

She drops to the floor next to Minerva. "Mum! Mum, I don't blame you. This wasn't your fault. You didn't betray me."

Immediately, the muscles in Minerva's body relax and her breathing smoothes out. Holly grimaces, then leans down to hug her godmother around the neck and give her a kiss on the cheek. When she returns to standing, her look is fierce but controlled. She turns to face Sirius and Natalia, who have been adding magical bindings and hexes to the headmaster for good measure.

"Albus is likely to recover soon, so let's move this feast to the Nautilus. Hermione and I will have to restrain from casting spells, so you two will be providing cover."

Hermione steps around the chairs to assess their bindings on the headmaster. She pipes up with a thought. "Would you still have some of that Veritorbis ink?"

"I don't think there's enough, but check in the kitchen. Remus, stay here and see what you can do for Minerva. Dobby!"

The elf appears with a (pop!) standing slightly behind Hermione, who then yelps and hops a foot away, her hands rubbing behind her hips as if she were pinched. Dobby looks to Holly with no other expression but a willingness to serve.

"Yes, Mistress?"

"Take Albus to the dining room at the Nautilus and bind him in a chair, would you?"

"Anything... else?"

"You have a grievance?"

"Mr. Longbeard insults my mistress again and again. Surely some retribution is a good idea?"

"Just put him there. We'll be along."

"As you wish, Mistress." Dobby grabs hold of the Professor's limp body and disappears with a 'pop'.

Natalia looks up from the empty space where she had just been casting hexes. "Hols, is Dobby getting more... weird?"

"Yup. But his speech is improving, so we take the trade-off and move on."

~o~

Albus awakens to find himself facing Holly across a teak dining room table in a familiar house. His hands are bound at the wrists in his lap and he is further restrained by a variety of ropes and chain, binding him to the chair. Various baubles and trinkets of his, including two wands, are laid out on a flannel on the table.

"Of course- the Potter house. I see you are being cautious... and the fact that I am awake means that you wish to speak with me, finally."

"Minerva's recovering well, thank you for asking, you berk."

"Miss Evans, I am sorry for my apparent rudeness in accompanying your godmother to this dinner, but I have several issues to cover with you, not the least of which is the difficulty I had in arranging this meeting. If I had known my actions would bring harm to our cherished friend, I would have chosen another way. Professor McGonagall was evasive about her destination, and I was willing to leave that secret to her discretion, so long as she accepted my gentle compulsion to bring me as her 'date'."

"You couldn't have just sent a letter?"

"I have sent several missives requesting a few hours of your time and all I received in response was childish pranks."

"Umm, I haven't seen anything... hang on. Dobby!"

(Pop!)

"Mistress is AGAIN interrupting the holiday special--!"

"Did you reply to the headmaster on my behalf recently?"

Dobby bows his head while suppressing an evil cackle. "Heh, heh, heh... Yeeeeessss..."

"Yeah. We'll cover that later. Back to telly for you."

"Much thankings for my most gracious Mistress--"

"GO! Go. We'll talk later."

(Pop!)

A brief 'Yeow!' is heard from Hermione in the next room, followed by another 'pop!' sound.

Holly grimaces slightly, then turns a less defensive face to her captive. "Alright, well, we've obviously been suffering a communication breakdown, so let's just both try to set the last hour aside and get to talking."

"Are you sure? Wouldn't you like to take some more time to determine whether an apology is in order?"

"No."

"Miss Evans, if you wish to function in the world you will have to learn when to admit your failures. I have been wronged, so an apology is appropriate."

Holly scowls at the headmaster. "You've been inconvenienced, and the fact that you've forgotten how far in debt to my good graces you still sit is reason enough for me to show you the door. How are you planning to apologise for all the injustices you've heaped upon me?"

Albus frowns and looks down at his hands bound together in his lap. "Of course. Please, forgive an old man for his shortcomings. My memory isn't what it used to be. You are correct, of course."

"Wow. Now I'm stuck. Good job."

"I've been known to be clever in my way."

"Don't ruin a good thing with humour. Stick with actual humility." Holly sits back with a huff and considers the ancient wizard across from her for a moment. "Alright, you have my attention. What's your agenda? And please, please, for the sake of my youthful impatience, please be brief, concise and literal."

"Perhaps in a friendlier arrangement. My old bones don't do well with bindings."

"What do you suggest?"

Albus looks over his glasses with a spritely twinkle. "Have you been to the Bowlplex west of Pucklechurch?"

Holly's eyebrows disappear into her fringe. "You want to go bowling?"

"Why not? Certainly no one would be looking for us there. It would be... neutral ground."

Holly shakes her head and crosses her arms. "And how do you know where the nearest alley is?"

Albus smiles wanly. "Miss Evans, we are neighbors. My family homestead is two fields over. I share a garden wall with the venerable Mrs. Bagshot."

"Must have been a shock to find out I've been basically hiding in your back garden."

"I am ashamed to say that it was. A bit."

TO BE CONTINUED in Chapter 45: 'Auld Lang Syne'

Author's Note on time and scheduling during the vacation:

Most days would start with everyone meeting for breakfast at the Nautilus. Hermione (and sometimes Moony) would then return to the Madhouse and spin up the gyro for extended reading time, while the rest remained aboveground, either shopping for clothes and more furniture, riding motorcycles or practising on Holly's accuracy. The studious ones would stop the gyro for late afternoon meals and discussion, then the girls would kick the boys out of the Madhouse and spin up the gyro for another few days' worth of bunkering with books and loveplay, until the next morning when the pattern repeated. In the end, Hermione spent a full month without seeing the sun too much, but she left with her brain pulsing with ideas. Other parts were also pulsing, for other reasons.

Fun with media references:

(Hoh-Hee-Hah-Huh-whirrrr...) - my simulation of the Transformers' mode-shifting sound

"Now go away, or I shall taunt you a second time!" - Monty Python and the Holy Grail

"It's not the years, it's the mileage." - Raiders of the Lost Ark

And of course, the chapter title is a wordplay on the book Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance by Robert Pirsig

There really is a Bowlplex west of Pucklechurch. I'm just not sure if it was there in 1994.

Omake: Hols and Padfoot talk about velvet smoking jackets and the future of the House of Black.

"You aren't gay, are you? The House of Black is not teetering on oblivion unless Harry weds several fit witches, is it?"

"Why do people keep asking me that? It's Moony's fault, isn't it!? People mistake his 'furry problem' for a guilty conscience, no doubt derived from some barely-repressed deviancy. Walk with him in a public square and I'll wager that strangers will take you aside to ask you if you're sure you're 'safe'. The man leaks out a 'molester' vibe- if he'd just shave that stupid moustache..."

"Fair point, but that only covers for when you're together. The truth is that you dress a bit dandy-ish, there, Pops."

"This is called 'style'."

"That is called 'retro fop' or 'unfrozen secret agent actor'. Only a Scotsman or Steve McQueen could make that look manly."

"Further proof that British culture has deteriorated from my absence."

"Well, you'd best get on that then. We're going shopping, all right, but for you as well. My father- the Velveteen Escapee, A.K.A. General Road Hazard."

"And you're my subordinate, Major Health Hazard. It's a family thing. No, I am not Remus' bed companion. Whether I can legitimately wed a witch and give her our name is a poor wager, though."

"Not feeling your fertility?"

"Too many to choose from, and none likely to accept frequent boarders and well-wishers."

"Maybe you should convert to Islam, buy a young set of concubines and settle in Kashmir."

"Say, there's a notion- wait. You're going to hit me, aren't you?"

THUMP. Right in the arm she broke before.

"OW! How is it that you can keep a bevy of beauties to yourself but I'm a cad for even thinking of it?"

"Girl power, and I'm not keeping anyone from anything. I'd be overjoyed if they all found love somewhere else and left Britain entirely. Then I could fight my war without restraint."

Well that's a new notion. Something else is wrong- Holly has never spoken like she wanted Natalia anywhere but right by her side (except when beneath her tongue, of course- Bad Parent! Rule 4: don't fantasize about your children's sex-life!).