FicWad

“It is impossible to fall out of love. Love is such a powerful emotion, that once it envelops you it does not depart. True love is eternal. If you think that you were once in love, but fell out of it, then it wasn't love you were in. There are no exit signs in love, there is only an on ramp.”
~ Unknown ~



I have always thought that music was a window to the soul, a way to express those deep intense emotions you just can't seem to find the words for. The moment my amazing husband sat down at the piano and began to play, I knew it was the truth. No one could play that beautifully, and not have a gorgeous soul. The song that filled the room was slow, soft, and romantic. Aden’s hands lovingly caressed the keys making the piano sing for him. My breath caught in my throat when I looked up and saw the expression on his face, he was staring up at me with pure love in his eyes. My heart raced as our gazes locked, but never once did the beautiful melody falter. I got up carefully and waddled over to the piano bench, so I could sit next to him. He smiled up at me, and as the melody drifted to a close, he turned to face me on the bench. Aden’s eyes never left mine as his hands roamed my body, he stroked my cheeks, and ran his hands down to my shoulders massaging them firmly. After a few moments, he moved to my back to worked out the built up tension there before finally stopping on my protruding belly where he rubbed gently.

“I love you, and I can't wait to meet you Elizabeth,” he whispered, as he leaned down and kissed my stomach. “And I love you,” he told me softly. He sat up and planted the sweetest kiss on my lips. “ So much,” he whispered.

I awoke from my dream with a start, my hands automatically going to my empty stomach. It was only a dream of course, the same dream I have been having for the past ten years. Tears streamed down my cheeks as reality quickly sank in. When I was finally able to pull myself together, I glanced up at the clock on my night stand, 6:00 A.M., figures. The one time I get to sleep in on a weekday, and I wake up at the butt crack of dawn. I rolled over and groaned wanting to fall back to sleep, but no matter how hard I tried, the dream kept creeping back into my mind. Finally, I gave up and sat up with a sigh, deciding to start my day early.

My heart was heavy as I went through the motions of getting ready for my day. I tried not to think about my love life or lack thereof, but today I had nothing to do to distract me. Usually on weekdays I worked as a marriage counselor in a clinic downtown. It wasn't always easy seeing struggling married couples everyday. Sometimes it made me doubt love, so many marriages ended in divorce these days. Was it really worth all of the anger and pain, just to have a few short years of happiness? Regardless, I loved my job and I was good at it, I guess I figured that if I couldn't have a decent love life of my own, at least I could help save other people's. This week, however, the two couples that I normally saw on Friday mornings were both on vacation. So I sat at home with my cat Mojo, alone with nothing to distract me from my depressing thoughts. After I showered and had breakfast, I curled up on the couch with my fat cat and tried to find something interesting on TV to keep me from thinking too much. I skipped through the talk shows and infomercials, even a couple of game shows but nothing held my interest. Frustrated, I shut the TV off and let my mind wander. My life wasn't all horrible, I tried to focus on the positives. I had a good job and lived in a nice little two bedroom house in a great neighborhood. The house was perfect for me and since I lived alone, I used the extra room for a small library. I had shelves and shelves of books and my collection was constantly growing. My favorite part, however, was the small pond that sat about a mile away from my house. I visited the lovely place frequently, I loved to go there and just think about things.

After a while, I got up and made some lunch; as I cooked, I glanced up at the calendar and I realized that my birthday was only a few weeks away. Thinking of my birthday always depressed me, I was nearly 30 and still single. My heart still belonged to the adorable boy who had stolen it 10 years ago. No one knew that I still pined for my first love, no one except my best friend Rose. Everyone else had told me to get over him several years ago. I had tried of course, but there was just something about him I could not let go of. So instead of listening to them tell me how stupid I was for longing for a man I could never have, I stopped talking about him and let them think I had moved on. Rose knew better though, she had known me my entire life and always saw through my pathetic attempts to move on. She never told me to move on, she would always just smile and tell me that I shouldn't give up on him and that she knew we would end up together in the end.

Rose had been there for me my entire life and I honestly don't know what I would do without her. Our parents had been friends since high school and they introduced us. We had even played together as babies, I honestly couldn't remember a time when Rose wasn't a part of my life . We had been there for each other through everything, from first crushes and heart break, to family problems and high school drama. On the surface we were complete opposites. She was short and thin and I was taller with rounder curves. She listened to metal music, while I preferred classical. She loved meat and I was practically a vegetarian. Despite all of that though, we got along wonderfully because we were the same in every way that mattered. She understood my situation better than anyone I knew because she had also struggled with unrequited love in the past. After I was finished eating, I fed Mojo and wandered back into the living room. I decided to try to rein in my thoughts, focus on a happier subject so I wouldn't get too depressed. I concentrated on my best friend and closed my eyes while my thoughts drifted back to one of the many late night conversations we had over the years.

(7 years ago)

“I swear if I’m not married by the time I’m 30, I am going to be artificially inseminated,” I said with a laugh, as we got ready for bed. Rose laughed and shook her head. “I’m serious though, I really want kids and if I can’t find a man, I’ll have to find some other way.”

“That’s kind of gross though,” she said with a shudder. “Having a random stranger’s kid.”

“It’s OK, I’ll just tell you I had a one night stand with a hot guy and got pregnant,” I said with a laugh. I snuggled down into my blankets and she shut off her light. “Still, it’s better than living alone your whole life.”

“You can do that, I still don’t want to have kids.”

“You’ll change your mind, when you meet the right guy.”

“If you say so, but I still don’t think I will,” Rose said and I shook my head smiling.

I smiled at the memory as I came back to the present. I had been right all along though, Rose was now happily married with a baby on the way, and I couldn’t be happier for her. The memory brought sad feelings with it though. I was quickly approaching my 30th birthday and I had yet to find someone to spend my life with. The more I thought about it, the more I really wanted to actually go through with it. I was financially stable enough to have a baby and it didn’t seem like I was going to find a boyfriend anytime soon. Maybe artificial insemination was the right thing for me. I promised myself I would look into it. My musing was interrupted by a loud knock, it had made me jump so violently, I nearly fell off of the couch.
I wasn't expecting company, curious, I got up to open the door. I fumbled with the lock for a moment but finally got the door open, and there standing in the door way, was the man who owned my heart. My body froze in shock and my heart began to race, as I looked up into the most beautiful blue eyes that I had ever seen. My breath came in short gasps and butterflies flooded my stomach as I stared at him. The years had been very kind to him; he was still just as beautiful as I remembered. He had a few lines on his face and light circles under his eyes from the hectic schedule of a doctor, but other than that, he looked exactly the same as he did 10 years ago. After a few long moments of staring blankly, I finally decided that it wasn't a dream, the man of my dreams was really here, standing in my doorway.

“Aden, hi,” I said once I was able to speak again. “What are you doing here? How did you find me?”

“I asked Rose for your address, I’m sorry. I hope you don’t mind, but I just really needed to see you Hayley,” he said quietly. He looked down at the floor and took a deep breath before looking into my eyes. “Do you think we could talk?”

“Of course, come in.” I stepped aside and allowed him to walk past me into my living room. His arm brushed mine as he passed, and it sent a strange tingling shock through my body. I jumped slightly; surprised that the spark I felt whenever he touched me was still there after all this time. I took a deep breath and followed him inside. We both stood there for a moment without speaking. “Can I get you anything to drink?” I asked, breaking the awkward silence.

“No, thank you, I’m fine.” After another awkward pause, he spoke again. “Why don’t we sit down?” We walked across the room and sat on opposite ends of the couch. Aden’s eyes darted around the room, as if he was searching for something. “Um... you don’t have a jealous husband or boyfriend, that’s going to come after me do you?” he asked chuckling nervously.

“No,” I said sadly, looking down. “No husband or boyfriend.” He slid closer to me until our legs were almost touching and turned toward me. My heart jumped in my chest, as he took my hands in his. I looked up at him a little confused.

“Hayley, I…I was so stupid all those years ago; I couldn’t see what was right in front of me. The truth is, I came here because I had to tell you…”

“Tell me what?” He took a deep breath and looked into my eyes.


“I came here because I had to tell you that I love you.” I gasped. “It’s true, I love you, I think I always have I just never realized it. I’m just sorry it took me so long to figure it out,” he said looking deep into my eyes.


My mind raced, as I tried to comprehend what he was saying. For 10 long years, I had pined for him, unable to move on; and now he just walks into my life and tells me he loves me. A myriad of conflicting emotions hit me all at once. Love, hope, fear, confusion, and loss all swirled around in my head . After a moment, anger became the dominant emotion, I still loved him dearly, but he had ignored me for nearly ten years. Then he decides to show up here unannounced and expects me to welcome him with open arms? I jumped up off the couch and began pacing around the room.

“Are you freaking kidding me?” I screeched at him. “ Do you know how many people I have hurt? How many nice guys I have had to turn down because I couldn't give them what they deserved. I couldn't give them my heart, because it didn't belong to me. You stole it ten years ago, and never gave me anything in return. You didn't even give me a chance, I told you how I felt about you and you just blew me off like I didn't matter. I finally accepted the fact that we were not meant to be together. Now you track me down and tell me you love me? What did you think would happen? That I would forget the last ten years and just jump into your arms?” I practically growled at him. Aden just sat there wide eyed, with his mouth hanging open in shock. He obviously wasn't expecting my heated rant.

“Sorry to disappoint you, but I am not the same starry eyed girl that I was in college. I have changed a lot over the years.”

When I finally looked over at him, I could see the pain in his eyes. He got up from the couch and started to move closer to me. I could feel the bitterness and resentment that had built up over the past ten years bubble up to the surface and I backed away.

“If you would just give me a chance to explain,” he pleaded reaching for my hand. I quickly pulled it out of his reach and stepped back even further .

“Give you a chance, huh? A lot like the chance you gave me? ” My anger flared once again, and I knew I had to get out of there and get some fresh air before things got out of hand.“Look, I need to go out for a bit before I say or do something really stupid,” I told him. “We can talk when I get back, you can stay here if you want to.” Aden nodded sadly still looking hurt.

“I'll be right here when you get back, take as long as you need,” he said looking down. I nodded in response and turned to go.

“Hayley,” he said quietly. I turned to face him. “Just... be careful OK, it's getting dark out,” he said shyly .

“I will,” I promised and stepped out in to the frosty night air. The cool breeze helped to clear my head as I walked. My feet automatically led me down the narrow dirt path I had traveled so many times before. I could feel the anger slowly seeping out of my body as I got closer to my destination. The anger was quickly replaced with nerves as I looked around, it was getting pretty dark and I never went out at night by myself, but tonight I hadn't had much of a choice. I had really just needed to get out of the house and organize my thoughts before I tried to talk to Aden again. I kept a watchful eye on my surroundings, and walked quickly. I let out a sigh of relief when I reached my favorite pond. It was a very well lit area and people passed by occasionally, so it felt safe enough. I picked a spot near the water and sat down in the soft ankle high grass. I instantly regretted not bringing a blanket to sit on, I usually did, but I had been so eager to get out of my house I had forgotten to grab one. The blue and purple wildflowers surrounded me and their familiar sweet smell helped to relaxed me even further.
I stared out at the water for a long time just concentrating on relaxing and clearing my mind, so I could figure out what I wanted to do when I got back home. Aden had been a large part of me for a third of my life. He was the first guy I ever really loved, he showed me what it meant to truly love someone. I thought I had been in love once, before I met Aden, but it was nothing more than a silly crush compared to how I felt about him. The moment I met him, he changed me, he made me want to be a better person. I wanted nothing more than to be with him but part of me was terrified to even give him a chance.

He had never shown much interest in me back in college, what if he got bored with me? I knew that I wouldn't be able to take it if I let myself get closer to him and then he left me. I honestly felt like I wasn't good enough for him and eventually he would realize that and leave. The psychologist in me knew that my feelings of inadequacy stemmed from my childhood and had nothing to do with him. I had grown up thinking I wasn't good enough for my own parents, if they didn't think I was good enough, why would anyone else? I was the oldest of two children, and being a typical first born child, I worked really hard and wanted to be the best at everything I did. My parents, however, didn't seem to think so. My whole childhood consisted of “well, that's nice, but you can do better” and being grounded for the tiniest little slip ups. It felt like nothing I did was ever good enough, so eventually I just stopped trying. My parents weren't bad people, they only wanted to push me to be the best person I could be, but it ended up having the opposite effect. I knew it was wrong to base my decision on those feelings of unworthiness though, so I pushed them aside and tried to figure out what I really wanted, without letting fear decide for me. I thought about it for a long time and eventually my mind drifted back to college, back to the very first time we met.