Categories > Celebrities > 30 Seconds to Mars > To the Sound of beating Drums
Prologue
early 2010
He got up from the leather couch we were sitting on, his lean back facing me. The fact that he avoided looking at me saddened me, but I understood why he was acting this way. While silence filled the hotel suite and the air got thicker and thicker I let my gaze wander over his body for one last time. Slim, delicate muscles shaped his slender frame, his pretty legs were dressed in an arty pair of skinny jeans and his white shirt was tightly fitting. He hadn’t changed that much, apart from his hairdo.
At least not visibly. Just like me.
I got up to stand beside him and he moved his head to muster me. A look of frustration flashed over both of our faces before we shared a pitying smile. His features were still beautiful, still soft, still flawless to the eye. I averted my gaze for looking at him made me feel like it was my fault. I knew it wasn’t – it was his fault, his! – but my heart ached for what we’d lost.
I was so surprised when he took my hand that I winced.
“Sorry,” he said and let go. I bit down on my lip.
Not too long ago, holding hands with him had been as natural as breathing. Loving him had been. But it all had broken.
Now it was time to say our final goodbyes and hope for our grief to subside sooner or later. We had nothing left to say no matter how desperately we searched for the blissful tickling in our bellies and the warm smiles glued to our faces whenever our bodies touched accidentally.
I grabbed my suitcase and he accompanied me to the door, his lips were tightly pressed together. I knew he didn’t want me to notice his hands trembling but I did. Acknowledged it with a pitying sigh.
'My Jared, my Jared. Tell me it’s gonna be okay, tell me everything will be like it was before. Tell me I’m more important to you. Tell me you’ll take me instead. I need your soothing words, I need you in my life,' I told him quietly through my thoughts – I lied. I lied because it made me feel better. I lied because I wished for the lie to become truth again. I wanted to need him but I didn’t anymore and it pained me. Pained him, too.
I opened the door and slipped through it, turned around on the threshold. Just inches away from me, he was leaning against the doorframe. He looked at me with an expression made of stone but his blue eyes twinkled with sadness to see me go.
“This is goodbye now,” he whispered.
I nodded and looked down – where had the looseness gone that we had once taken for granted? His fault, his fault, his fault…
“Sure you don’t want to stay the night and watch us play?”
“Yeah… You know, I think it’d be better for both of us if I leave now.”
“You’re right. Where will you be going?”
“Jared!… I’m sorry but I just can’t tell you…”
He nodded sadly and tucked a loose streak of hair behind my ear, like he used to.
“Bye, Joe,” he then said and his expression softened. I realized I could have loved him all my life but it wasn’t meant to be. Once love is lost it just can’t ever be fully restored, no matter how much you want it to. ‘What a waste of what could’ve been,’ I thought grimly.
“Goodbye, Jay”, I said and, after a couple of seconds, added, “One day maybe we’ll meet again.”
The tiny smile his lips were curling into in response was the last thing I allowed myself to see of him. Quickly, I turned and walked down the hallway towards the elevators. He must have watched me until I was out of sight for it was much later when I heard the room door snap shut.
When the elevator doors closed behind me, I snatched my iPhone out of my jean pocket and pressed the 3 on speed dial. After a few seconds someone answered the phone.
“It’s me, Joanne,” I said and leaned back against a wall. This day had really, really exhausted me. All I wanted was to go to bed and weep myself to sleep but first I had to find somewhere to stay for the night.
“What’s up, Joanne? Why are you calling?”
“Look, I wanted to know if you’d be okay if I stay in your guestroom tonight. I’ll try to catch the next Greyhound to San Francisco –”
“Whoa, whoa. Hun, first of you tell me what happened, alright?”
“I’m fine. I just need a place to crash tonight before I take the train home.”
“Even though we haven’t seen each other in ages I can still tell when something is wrong with you. So, what are you running from?”
“Ana you are driving me crazy. I am not running from anything or anyone.”
“Or anyone? – Who is it, hm?”
I sighed deeply. The elevator doors opened and I walked out into the hotel lobby, dropped into one of those armchairs placed everywhere in the large hall.
“Jared and I just broke up, okay?”
“Jared? Who the hell is – oh, sorry. I’m being untactful.”
“Now, he’s my ex. And yes you are, but that’s old news. Can I please stay at your place, hm?”
“Sure, honey. I’ll make you a hot chocolate and tuck you in if you want to, yeah?”
“I… I think I’d rather pass on the hot chocolate. But thank you. You’re an angel.”
She laughed lightly, like she always did. I hadn’t realized how much I’d missed her throaty giggle since we’d graduated from college.
“So, see you in a few?” I asked.
“Yeah. We’ve got a lot to catch up on. See ya, babe.” With that, she hung up.
When I exited the building I kind of expected myself to miss Jared but instead I found myself missing the feeling of missing him. For the time it lasted, it had been beautiful. But I couldn’t understand, just couldn’t accept – his priorities really were twisted. I felt a burning inside my stomach and cursed him silently. This boy, this stupid boy. I hoped he’d regret his decision but I realized I’d never know. It was over, for all of time.
Both of us were bound to move on even though I doubted he’d ever find someone with his way of thinking.
early 2010
He got up from the leather couch we were sitting on, his lean back facing me. The fact that he avoided looking at me saddened me, but I understood why he was acting this way. While silence filled the hotel suite and the air got thicker and thicker I let my gaze wander over his body for one last time. Slim, delicate muscles shaped his slender frame, his pretty legs were dressed in an arty pair of skinny jeans and his white shirt was tightly fitting. He hadn’t changed that much, apart from his hairdo.
At least not visibly. Just like me.
I got up to stand beside him and he moved his head to muster me. A look of frustration flashed over both of our faces before we shared a pitying smile. His features were still beautiful, still soft, still flawless to the eye. I averted my gaze for looking at him made me feel like it was my fault. I knew it wasn’t – it was his fault, his! – but my heart ached for what we’d lost.
I was so surprised when he took my hand that I winced.
“Sorry,” he said and let go. I bit down on my lip.
Not too long ago, holding hands with him had been as natural as breathing. Loving him had been. But it all had broken.
Now it was time to say our final goodbyes and hope for our grief to subside sooner or later. We had nothing left to say no matter how desperately we searched for the blissful tickling in our bellies and the warm smiles glued to our faces whenever our bodies touched accidentally.
I grabbed my suitcase and he accompanied me to the door, his lips were tightly pressed together. I knew he didn’t want me to notice his hands trembling but I did. Acknowledged it with a pitying sigh.
'My Jared, my Jared. Tell me it’s gonna be okay, tell me everything will be like it was before. Tell me I’m more important to you. Tell me you’ll take me instead. I need your soothing words, I need you in my life,' I told him quietly through my thoughts – I lied. I lied because it made me feel better. I lied because I wished for the lie to become truth again. I wanted to need him but I didn’t anymore and it pained me. Pained him, too.
I opened the door and slipped through it, turned around on the threshold. Just inches away from me, he was leaning against the doorframe. He looked at me with an expression made of stone but his blue eyes twinkled with sadness to see me go.
“This is goodbye now,” he whispered.
I nodded and looked down – where had the looseness gone that we had once taken for granted? His fault, his fault, his fault…
“Sure you don’t want to stay the night and watch us play?”
“Yeah… You know, I think it’d be better for both of us if I leave now.”
“You’re right. Where will you be going?”
“Jared!… I’m sorry but I just can’t tell you…”
He nodded sadly and tucked a loose streak of hair behind my ear, like he used to.
“Bye, Joe,” he then said and his expression softened. I realized I could have loved him all my life but it wasn’t meant to be. Once love is lost it just can’t ever be fully restored, no matter how much you want it to. ‘What a waste of what could’ve been,’ I thought grimly.
“Goodbye, Jay”, I said and, after a couple of seconds, added, “One day maybe we’ll meet again.”
The tiny smile his lips were curling into in response was the last thing I allowed myself to see of him. Quickly, I turned and walked down the hallway towards the elevators. He must have watched me until I was out of sight for it was much later when I heard the room door snap shut.
When the elevator doors closed behind me, I snatched my iPhone out of my jean pocket and pressed the 3 on speed dial. After a few seconds someone answered the phone.
“It’s me, Joanne,” I said and leaned back against a wall. This day had really, really exhausted me. All I wanted was to go to bed and weep myself to sleep but first I had to find somewhere to stay for the night.
“What’s up, Joanne? Why are you calling?”
“Look, I wanted to know if you’d be okay if I stay in your guestroom tonight. I’ll try to catch the next Greyhound to San Francisco –”
“Whoa, whoa. Hun, first of you tell me what happened, alright?”
“I’m fine. I just need a place to crash tonight before I take the train home.”
“Even though we haven’t seen each other in ages I can still tell when something is wrong with you. So, what are you running from?”
“Ana you are driving me crazy. I am not running from anything or anyone.”
“Or anyone? – Who is it, hm?”
I sighed deeply. The elevator doors opened and I walked out into the hotel lobby, dropped into one of those armchairs placed everywhere in the large hall.
“Jared and I just broke up, okay?”
“Jared? Who the hell is – oh, sorry. I’m being untactful.”
“Now, he’s my ex. And yes you are, but that’s old news. Can I please stay at your place, hm?”
“Sure, honey. I’ll make you a hot chocolate and tuck you in if you want to, yeah?”
“I… I think I’d rather pass on the hot chocolate. But thank you. You’re an angel.”
She laughed lightly, like she always did. I hadn’t realized how much I’d missed her throaty giggle since we’d graduated from college.
“So, see you in a few?” I asked.
“Yeah. We’ve got a lot to catch up on. See ya, babe.” With that, she hung up.
When I exited the building I kind of expected myself to miss Jared but instead I found myself missing the feeling of missing him. For the time it lasted, it had been beautiful. But I couldn’t understand, just couldn’t accept – his priorities really were twisted. I felt a burning inside my stomach and cursed him silently. This boy, this stupid boy. I hoped he’d regret his decision but I realized I’d never know. It was over, for all of time.
Both of us were bound to move on even though I doubted he’d ever find someone with his way of thinking.
Sign up to rate and review this story