Categories > Books > Harry Potter > Dragon Fired Crackpipe Visions
In the slightly modified words of Sergeant Schultz from Hogan's Heroes (which I also don't own):
"I own nothing, I hear nothing, I see nothing, I know nothing! Nothing!"
hmmm, rum sounds like a nice balm for my dragon fire crack pipe burnt lips...
This was a bit I wrote for the excellent Lightning Man Drabble over on Caer Azkaban, 3 or 4 Part Harmony, and seelvorfanfiction yahoo groups. I am going ahead and posting it here, in hopes that it will spur some people to read and dig it up to add to the fun.
(start bad Irish brogue/)"The Ruminator overlooks the quiet Diagon Alley as he prepares his attack of drunken despair, and hazardous hangovers! For tonight..." whispered Seamus.(/end bad Irish brogue)
"Oh shut the hell up Seamus! Just start spraying everyone down!" hissed Lavender.
The Ruminator glared at his henchgirl, The Leprechaun, as she tapped her foot impatiently. "Fine, but call me by code name!" With that he pulled down the mask covering his face, and walked up to Flourish and Blotts, the home of the boring bookworm, noise complaints, and whining about people pissing on their door. Between being an Irishman, and having these bastards share a wall, his pub had been shut down by the bigoted Ministry.
Losing his bar had pushed Seamus Finnegann over the edge. He had broken all the laws of physics and brewmastery. He had combined his leftover stock with the darkest magics to create an unholy brew. Code named "OSIB" (Oh Shit it burns), the demon liquor was an abomination. Upon impact, it would inebriate even the strongest man. They would lose all inhibition, and bugger any thing in sight.
Luckily, he had managed to pin the charge on Aberforth Dumbledore.
More importantly, the next day, you would have a hangover that would make you beg for death, and a blackout period so strong, that you could pass the Veritaserum test.
Tested first hand when he had been presented with pensieve memories of him "exciting" a goat and then taking turns buggering each other. He had actually been able to prove he had no memories of it, therefore it couldn't have been him.
This had led to several important developments.
1. He now wore a head to toe baggy red rubber jumpsuit. Combined with black rubber gloves, black galoshes, and a black hooded respirator, he was quite the imposing sight. More importantly, he was protected from both the intoxicating fumes and the liquid forms of his revenge.
2. He had obtained extremely embarassing photos of Lavender, forcing her into a willing role as a henchgirl. Although, how she forced her splendid arse into the super tight green short shorts of her Leprechaun outfit was another question. One he frequently ruminated on late at night in the basement lair of his mum's house.
And while he was in the shower, and sitting on the toilet.
Unfortunately, while he had been able to blackmail Lavender into the costume, he couldn't get her out of it.
3. Most importantly, all vengeance now took place around nubile young women, not barnyard animals.
As he kicked in the urine scented door, he began to laugh maniacally, leaning back and holding the rumsprayer over his head. It was an ingenious bastardization of an enchanted keg, a compressed air tank, and the tap from his bar.
Lavender merely facepalmed, wishing yet again, that she had never answered that damnable "Models Wanted!" ad on Merlinslist. As she huffed, she watched Seamus running around spraying rum all over the mostly deserted bookstore. Oddly, she noticed that the foamy spray merely slid off the faintly glowing books. It's only effect seemed to be leaving almost waist high piles of foam on the floor. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw the proprietor step back and touch a rune on the wall behind him. A section of the wall spun around, taking the owner, and leaving a blank wall.
Both Seamus and Lavender missed the dual pop of disapparation coming from the cozy loveseat in the study nook.
Lavender yelled "Hey drunky McGee! There's no one here! And the books are all charmed with an impervious. Can we just get the hell out of here before..."
"How dare you two try and damage these priceless books!" shouted the Librarian, her short skirt flaring, as she spread her legs, placing her fists on her hips.
Stacks stood behind her, glaring and holding a paddle with the word "QUIET PLEASE!" engraved on it.
"Shit!" muttered the Leprechaun.
The Ruminator spun around, in the process spraying all three girls down with his vile brew.
"Goddamnit! This costume is a rental you stupid mick! Do you have any idea how hard it is to get stains out of this fabric?" screamed an enraged Leprechaun. "You are paying me back for the deposit!"
Meanwhile, the Dewey Duo were looking gobsmacked at each other. Both of their costumes were soaked with the icy liquid, and almost transparent. Although both were shivering, they seemed to be getting more and more flushed. Both were starting to lightly sweat, and they licked their lips to moisten them.
"Stacks! I thought I told you to charm our outfits as water resistant!" growled the Librarian.
"Umm, well I did, but they got torn up in our last battle, so I just grabbed our old school uniforms from storage." blushed Stacks.
The Librarian smiled, "Really? Oh thank heavens! I thought I was getting fat! Now give me the Properly Paddle, you still need to be punished for not having spare costumes!"
Stacks blushed, handing over the paddle, but still muttering under her breath, "If someone would stop ripping her shirt apart, and loosing all the buttons, it wouldn't be such a problem."
"What was that Stacks?" hissed the Librarian, as she bent Stacks over, exposing her black knickers with yellow ruffles. She firmly swatted Stacks, nearly causing the squealing woman's breasts to spill out of her too tight shirt.
"Nothing Mistress, I am sorry for failing you." whimpered Stacks, as she shifted from foot to foot trying to relieve the burn in her arse.
"Holy shit! I could sell Pensieve memories of this and be rich! Oh wait! I already am! Guess I'll just keep them for Review later!" exclaimed Lightning Man.
"Glad to see you have learned the importance of studying Sparky!" laughed the Librarian, still swatting Stacks with the paddle.
"Sparky? What the bloody hell?" cursed Lightning Man, crossing his arms and arching an eyebrow at the lack of noise coming from the paddle.
The Librarian smiled, explaining, "Localized silencing charm, keeps the disturbances down for the other patrons. And it's easier to write in my journal than Lightning Man, and abbreviating the name gave me nightmares"
Stacks muttered, "I thought ol' Sparky was your name for, SMACK! OW! Damnit that hurt!"
The Librarian glared down at the bent over Stacks, who had covered her mouth with her hand.
"Giggle, sorry, think the liquor is getting to me, I get all chatty when I am drunk!" laughed Stacks.
Lightning Man laughed, "Maybe I can find a way to occupy your mouth instead Stacks." Just as he was moving towards the pair, he heard a crash of a toppling bookshelf. Noticing the other pair in the room, he struck a defensive pose. Then he realized that the girl in the Leprechaun outfit was choking the gimp in the rubber suit. "Uh, do you ladies know what's going on over there?"
The two villains were currently rolling about on the floor going from one pile of foam to the next. It seemed like with the restriction of the rubber suit, and the reduced visibility due to the goggles, the gimp was having his arse handed to him. The Leprechaun was definitely not losing any mobility due to her costume.
Maybe some circulation, and definitely any modesty, but not mobility.
"Mmmeic!" came a muffled voice from the filter of the respirator on the gimp.
"Ok you two, knock it off. Don't make me zap you two!" growled Lightning Man.
"MM! MMph mmlmmww mms mll mmp!" shouted the gimp.
"What? Take off that damn mask, no one can understand you!" shouted the Librarian.
The Leprechaun uncoiled the hose from around the Ruminator's neck, as he pulled the mask up, showing part of his sweaty face.
(start bad Irish brogue/) I said 'No, you'll blow us all up!' ya great bloody langers! We're surrounded by liquor, and you want to go firing off sparks! Eejits! You'll fry us all up like a plate a bangers and chips! (/bad Irish Brogue)
Lightning Man looked at the Librarian. "Stop smacking Stack's arse! Did you understand him?" The Librarian shook her head, and resumed fondling and smacking the squealing Stacks arse. Lightning Man shrugged, and said "Ok, I think I understood him better with the mask on, cover him back up."
The Ruminator cursed before pulling away from the Leprechaun and grabbing his weapon. He sprayed the hero with a full blast of the liquor, knowing he would be incapacitated almost instantly.
"Oi! What the hell! I smell like a lush now! What is your bloody problem?" cursed Lightning Man, as he wiped the foamy liquor off him.
"Bu...bu..but you should be hammered! You get a drop of this on you and you should be inebriated! You can't be immune!" ranted the Ruminator.
"Yeah, funny story, turns out I am immune to lots of things. Made for a lot of fun back in my school days when we would celebrate a victory." laughed Lightning Man.
"Inconceivable! Fine, give up or I'll drown your two friends there, and kill off their livers with alcohol poisoning!" ranted the irate Irishman.
"Sorry, I think not. Although, I wouldn't mind getting the recipe. A drunken Librarian looks like fun. I could use this to liven up the meetings, they get so boring sometimes. So many TPS reports" said Lightning Man. With that he apparated behind the Ruminator, and pulled his mask back down. He then pulled the hose from his weapon, and stuck it in the back of the rubber suit. As the suit started to inflate, the villain vaguely reminded Lightning Man of a bizarre starfish of some sort. Watching the villain struggle, and try and turn off the flow of alcohol he turned to the Leprechaun.
"So, how were you not affected by the liquor while the other two were so, well..." asked Lightning Man, as he pointed over his shoulder at the Dewey Duo who were currently entangled on the floor, sans clothes.
"Oh, I took some RU-21 anti inebriation potion. I learned my lesson with this bastard after the first time I met him." laughed the Leprechaun.
"Really, what do you mean?" asked the dashing hero.
"Oh, the bastard took pictures of me after he used the gun on me. I was hammered and he's been blackmailing me. Do you really think I would wear something like this of my own free will?" asked the Leprechaun.
"Well, I could always hope. Hmm, give me a second, and I think we can negate his blackmailing, and we can help each other out at the same time." smirked Lightning Man. He looked over at the drunken, stumbling villain who was trying to cast some odd wandless spell at Lightning Man, shouting "MMadoken!" and trying to push something by the looks of it. He grabbed the villain and disapparated away with him.
The Leprechaun looked over at the two passed out heroines, and rolled her eyes. Lightweights! She conjured a blanket over them and gathered up their clothes. A few minutes later, Lightning Man apparated back into the store. "That was quick, what did you do?" asked the Leprechaun.
"Oh, you'll see. I tell you what, let's grab the girls and head back to my place, and I'll let you see my copy of the Daily Prophet during breakfast tomorrow." replied Lightning Man.
"Breakfast? What makes you think I will be spending the night with you?" asked an indignant Leprechaun.
"Well, you agreed we would help each other out, remember?" asked Lightning Man.
"Well yes, but..." hedged the Leprechaun.
"Come along now, we need to get each other out of these wet clothes before we catch a cold. Besides, I make a mean mushroom omelet. And I always like to have someone to scrub my back, the cape tends to chafe." explained Lightning Man.
"Please, you expect me to fall for such a tired old line like that? All the costumes try that one! You'll have to do better than that!" huffed the Leprechaun.
"Just out of curiosity, why the Leprechaun suit?" asked Lightning Man.
"Blackmail or no, there was no way I would be caught in a rubber suit like the idiot was wearing. I have taste after all!" hissed the Leprechaun.
"Oh, I am looking forward to a first hand exploration of that!" replied Lightning Man.
The blushing Leprechaun giggled, lightly swatting Lightning Man on the chest, which she then took a long moment to admire the firmness of.
"So, you don't have any Irish in you then?" asked a smiling Lightning Man.
"No, why?" replied the Leprechaun.
"Would you like some?" asked Lightning Man with a cheeky grin.
The Leprechaun rolled her eyes, before grabbing the hero's arm as he used a portkey to return them to his secret lair.
The next morning after much blushing, the three girls gingerly made their way out of the shared bed, and followed their noses to the wonderful smells emanating from the kitchen. Harry plated their food, and handed Lavender a special single run edition of the Daily Prophet.
On the cover was the Ruminator, embracing Bane the centaur, in a magical chapel in Los Vegas. It appeared that they had gotten married in a whirlwind romance, and would be appearing in the magical version of the much rumored donkey show in one of the more risque clubs off the Vegas Strip.
Seamus woke up, feeling like something had crawled into his mouth and died. His arse felt like he had a log jammed up it, and he realized he was in a field, laying next to a horse. He groaned, wondering why he was still wearing his costume.
At the groan the horse next to him shifted, revealing it was a centaur.
"Well, I have to admit, I understand why all you humans are always begging for Horsey rides now."
A/n- ok. No more drinking while I write. I am swearing off the message boards until I get some of my own stuff caught up. Although I have this urge to go play a certain video game... Hmmm... an Engineer!Harry could be fun...
And to head off any comments about the Irish bashing- I am Irish, so :P
"I own nothing, I hear nothing, I see nothing, I know nothing! Nothing!"
hmmm, rum sounds like a nice balm for my dragon fire crack pipe burnt lips...
This was a bit I wrote for the excellent Lightning Man Drabble over on Caer Azkaban, 3 or 4 Part Harmony, and seelvorfanfiction yahoo groups. I am going ahead and posting it here, in hopes that it will spur some people to read and dig it up to add to the fun.
(start bad Irish brogue/)"The Ruminator overlooks the quiet Diagon Alley as he prepares his attack of drunken despair, and hazardous hangovers! For tonight..." whispered Seamus.(/end bad Irish brogue)
"Oh shut the hell up Seamus! Just start spraying everyone down!" hissed Lavender.
The Ruminator glared at his henchgirl, The Leprechaun, as she tapped her foot impatiently. "Fine, but call me by code name!" With that he pulled down the mask covering his face, and walked up to Flourish and Blotts, the home of the boring bookworm, noise complaints, and whining about people pissing on their door. Between being an Irishman, and having these bastards share a wall, his pub had been shut down by the bigoted Ministry.
Losing his bar had pushed Seamus Finnegann over the edge. He had broken all the laws of physics and brewmastery. He had combined his leftover stock with the darkest magics to create an unholy brew. Code named "OSIB" (Oh Shit it burns), the demon liquor was an abomination. Upon impact, it would inebriate even the strongest man. They would lose all inhibition, and bugger any thing in sight.
Luckily, he had managed to pin the charge on Aberforth Dumbledore.
More importantly, the next day, you would have a hangover that would make you beg for death, and a blackout period so strong, that you could pass the Veritaserum test.
Tested first hand when he had been presented with pensieve memories of him "exciting" a goat and then taking turns buggering each other. He had actually been able to prove he had no memories of it, therefore it couldn't have been him.
This had led to several important developments.
1. He now wore a head to toe baggy red rubber jumpsuit. Combined with black rubber gloves, black galoshes, and a black hooded respirator, he was quite the imposing sight. More importantly, he was protected from both the intoxicating fumes and the liquid forms of his revenge.
2. He had obtained extremely embarassing photos of Lavender, forcing her into a willing role as a henchgirl. Although, how she forced her splendid arse into the super tight green short shorts of her Leprechaun outfit was another question. One he frequently ruminated on late at night in the basement lair of his mum's house.
And while he was in the shower, and sitting on the toilet.
Unfortunately, while he had been able to blackmail Lavender into the costume, he couldn't get her out of it.
3. Most importantly, all vengeance now took place around nubile young women, not barnyard animals.
As he kicked in the urine scented door, he began to laugh maniacally, leaning back and holding the rumsprayer over his head. It was an ingenious bastardization of an enchanted keg, a compressed air tank, and the tap from his bar.
Lavender merely facepalmed, wishing yet again, that she had never answered that damnable "Models Wanted!" ad on Merlinslist. As she huffed, she watched Seamus running around spraying rum all over the mostly deserted bookstore. Oddly, she noticed that the foamy spray merely slid off the faintly glowing books. It's only effect seemed to be leaving almost waist high piles of foam on the floor. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw the proprietor step back and touch a rune on the wall behind him. A section of the wall spun around, taking the owner, and leaving a blank wall.
Both Seamus and Lavender missed the dual pop of disapparation coming from the cozy loveseat in the study nook.
Lavender yelled "Hey drunky McGee! There's no one here! And the books are all charmed with an impervious. Can we just get the hell out of here before..."
"How dare you two try and damage these priceless books!" shouted the Librarian, her short skirt flaring, as she spread her legs, placing her fists on her hips.
Stacks stood behind her, glaring and holding a paddle with the word "QUIET PLEASE!" engraved on it.
"Shit!" muttered the Leprechaun.
The Ruminator spun around, in the process spraying all three girls down with his vile brew.
"Goddamnit! This costume is a rental you stupid mick! Do you have any idea how hard it is to get stains out of this fabric?" screamed an enraged Leprechaun. "You are paying me back for the deposit!"
Meanwhile, the Dewey Duo were looking gobsmacked at each other. Both of their costumes were soaked with the icy liquid, and almost transparent. Although both were shivering, they seemed to be getting more and more flushed. Both were starting to lightly sweat, and they licked their lips to moisten them.
"Stacks! I thought I told you to charm our outfits as water resistant!" growled the Librarian.
"Umm, well I did, but they got torn up in our last battle, so I just grabbed our old school uniforms from storage." blushed Stacks.
The Librarian smiled, "Really? Oh thank heavens! I thought I was getting fat! Now give me the Properly Paddle, you still need to be punished for not having spare costumes!"
Stacks blushed, handing over the paddle, but still muttering under her breath, "If someone would stop ripping her shirt apart, and loosing all the buttons, it wouldn't be such a problem."
"What was that Stacks?" hissed the Librarian, as she bent Stacks over, exposing her black knickers with yellow ruffles. She firmly swatted Stacks, nearly causing the squealing woman's breasts to spill out of her too tight shirt.
"Nothing Mistress, I am sorry for failing you." whimpered Stacks, as she shifted from foot to foot trying to relieve the burn in her arse.
"Holy shit! I could sell Pensieve memories of this and be rich! Oh wait! I already am! Guess I'll just keep them for Review later!" exclaimed Lightning Man.
"Glad to see you have learned the importance of studying Sparky!" laughed the Librarian, still swatting Stacks with the paddle.
"Sparky? What the bloody hell?" cursed Lightning Man, crossing his arms and arching an eyebrow at the lack of noise coming from the paddle.
The Librarian smiled, explaining, "Localized silencing charm, keeps the disturbances down for the other patrons. And it's easier to write in my journal than Lightning Man, and abbreviating the name gave me nightmares"
Stacks muttered, "I thought ol' Sparky was your name for, SMACK! OW! Damnit that hurt!"
The Librarian glared down at the bent over Stacks, who had covered her mouth with her hand.
"Giggle, sorry, think the liquor is getting to me, I get all chatty when I am drunk!" laughed Stacks.
Lightning Man laughed, "Maybe I can find a way to occupy your mouth instead Stacks." Just as he was moving towards the pair, he heard a crash of a toppling bookshelf. Noticing the other pair in the room, he struck a defensive pose. Then he realized that the girl in the Leprechaun outfit was choking the gimp in the rubber suit. "Uh, do you ladies know what's going on over there?"
The two villains were currently rolling about on the floor going from one pile of foam to the next. It seemed like with the restriction of the rubber suit, and the reduced visibility due to the goggles, the gimp was having his arse handed to him. The Leprechaun was definitely not losing any mobility due to her costume.
Maybe some circulation, and definitely any modesty, but not mobility.
"Mmmeic!" came a muffled voice from the filter of the respirator on the gimp.
"Ok you two, knock it off. Don't make me zap you two!" growled Lightning Man.
"MM! MMph mmlmmww mms mll mmp!" shouted the gimp.
"What? Take off that damn mask, no one can understand you!" shouted the Librarian.
The Leprechaun uncoiled the hose from around the Ruminator's neck, as he pulled the mask up, showing part of his sweaty face.
(start bad Irish brogue/) I said 'No, you'll blow us all up!' ya great bloody langers! We're surrounded by liquor, and you want to go firing off sparks! Eejits! You'll fry us all up like a plate a bangers and chips! (/bad Irish Brogue)
Lightning Man looked at the Librarian. "Stop smacking Stack's arse! Did you understand him?" The Librarian shook her head, and resumed fondling and smacking the squealing Stacks arse. Lightning Man shrugged, and said "Ok, I think I understood him better with the mask on, cover him back up."
The Ruminator cursed before pulling away from the Leprechaun and grabbing his weapon. He sprayed the hero with a full blast of the liquor, knowing he would be incapacitated almost instantly.
"Oi! What the hell! I smell like a lush now! What is your bloody problem?" cursed Lightning Man, as he wiped the foamy liquor off him.
"Bu...bu..but you should be hammered! You get a drop of this on you and you should be inebriated! You can't be immune!" ranted the Ruminator.
"Yeah, funny story, turns out I am immune to lots of things. Made for a lot of fun back in my school days when we would celebrate a victory." laughed Lightning Man.
"Inconceivable! Fine, give up or I'll drown your two friends there, and kill off their livers with alcohol poisoning!" ranted the irate Irishman.
"Sorry, I think not. Although, I wouldn't mind getting the recipe. A drunken Librarian looks like fun. I could use this to liven up the meetings, they get so boring sometimes. So many TPS reports" said Lightning Man. With that he apparated behind the Ruminator, and pulled his mask back down. He then pulled the hose from his weapon, and stuck it in the back of the rubber suit. As the suit started to inflate, the villain vaguely reminded Lightning Man of a bizarre starfish of some sort. Watching the villain struggle, and try and turn off the flow of alcohol he turned to the Leprechaun.
"So, how were you not affected by the liquor while the other two were so, well..." asked Lightning Man, as he pointed over his shoulder at the Dewey Duo who were currently entangled on the floor, sans clothes.
"Oh, I took some RU-21 anti inebriation potion. I learned my lesson with this bastard after the first time I met him." laughed the Leprechaun.
"Really, what do you mean?" asked the dashing hero.
"Oh, the bastard took pictures of me after he used the gun on me. I was hammered and he's been blackmailing me. Do you really think I would wear something like this of my own free will?" asked the Leprechaun.
"Well, I could always hope. Hmm, give me a second, and I think we can negate his blackmailing, and we can help each other out at the same time." smirked Lightning Man. He looked over at the drunken, stumbling villain who was trying to cast some odd wandless spell at Lightning Man, shouting "MMadoken!" and trying to push something by the looks of it. He grabbed the villain and disapparated away with him.
The Leprechaun looked over at the two passed out heroines, and rolled her eyes. Lightweights! She conjured a blanket over them and gathered up their clothes. A few minutes later, Lightning Man apparated back into the store. "That was quick, what did you do?" asked the Leprechaun.
"Oh, you'll see. I tell you what, let's grab the girls and head back to my place, and I'll let you see my copy of the Daily Prophet during breakfast tomorrow." replied Lightning Man.
"Breakfast? What makes you think I will be spending the night with you?" asked an indignant Leprechaun.
"Well, you agreed we would help each other out, remember?" asked Lightning Man.
"Well yes, but..." hedged the Leprechaun.
"Come along now, we need to get each other out of these wet clothes before we catch a cold. Besides, I make a mean mushroom omelet. And I always like to have someone to scrub my back, the cape tends to chafe." explained Lightning Man.
"Please, you expect me to fall for such a tired old line like that? All the costumes try that one! You'll have to do better than that!" huffed the Leprechaun.
"Just out of curiosity, why the Leprechaun suit?" asked Lightning Man.
"Blackmail or no, there was no way I would be caught in a rubber suit like the idiot was wearing. I have taste after all!" hissed the Leprechaun.
"Oh, I am looking forward to a first hand exploration of that!" replied Lightning Man.
The blushing Leprechaun giggled, lightly swatting Lightning Man on the chest, which she then took a long moment to admire the firmness of.
"So, you don't have any Irish in you then?" asked a smiling Lightning Man.
"No, why?" replied the Leprechaun.
"Would you like some?" asked Lightning Man with a cheeky grin.
The Leprechaun rolled her eyes, before grabbing the hero's arm as he used a portkey to return them to his secret lair.
The next morning after much blushing, the three girls gingerly made their way out of the shared bed, and followed their noses to the wonderful smells emanating from the kitchen. Harry plated their food, and handed Lavender a special single run edition of the Daily Prophet.
On the cover was the Ruminator, embracing Bane the centaur, in a magical chapel in Los Vegas. It appeared that they had gotten married in a whirlwind romance, and would be appearing in the magical version of the much rumored donkey show in one of the more risque clubs off the Vegas Strip.
Seamus woke up, feeling like something had crawled into his mouth and died. His arse felt like he had a log jammed up it, and he realized he was in a field, laying next to a horse. He groaned, wondering why he was still wearing his costume.
At the groan the horse next to him shifted, revealing it was a centaur.
"Well, I have to admit, I understand why all you humans are always begging for Horsey rides now."
A/n- ok. No more drinking while I write. I am swearing off the message boards until I get some of my own stuff caught up. Although I have this urge to go play a certain video game... Hmmm... an Engineer!Harry could be fun...
And to head off any comments about the Irish bashing- I am Irish, so :P
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