13- A War With No Conclusion
Spencer looked away, a sudden uncomfortable wave passing over the situation. “You know the answer to that Kacy.”
Another drink and it still didn’t go down as smoothly as one would think. I choked, spluttering some alcohol on to the table in front of me. It didn’t matter. If Kacy didn’t come back then nothing would matter. She would leave, and she would take Adam. Would? She already had. I was alone. I lost the two things that mattered most to me, because when I was younger I was stupid enough to lie to the one I loved. I lied to get the girl, and that lie lost me the girl. What had I been thinking?
“Damn it.” The words fell from my lips, burning me to the core. I took a look at the bottle of vodka and rolled my eyes, wondering why it was so easy to turn to alcohol when things hurt so badly. It didn’t make you forget, not really. It just made you not care, and even then it only did that if you were lucky. I still cared, and I still remembered. I couldn’t see straight, but I sure as hell still felt everything.
The bottle of alcohol didn’t make it far as my arm fell on to the counter, the crashing of the alcohol barely reaching my brain. Yeah, because throwing things would really make everything better.
”I’m leaving you.”
“No, please don’t.” I whispered the words out loud to the empty room, knowing Kacy was gone. She couldn’t hear me now. She wouldn’t listen to me anyway. She wouldn’t listen even if I screamed the words. She wouldn’t listen if I fell to my knees and begged her. She was gone because of what I’d done and nothing could change that.
My shaking fingers reached out and I grabbed on to the picture sitting upon our kitchen counter. All I could do to keep the tears from spilling out was turn the picture over so that I could no longer see it. I didn’t want to see Kacy’s smile, matched with my smile, and I definitely didn’t want to see Adam’s smile. I couldn’t bear to see what I’d probably never see again. What would Kacy tell Adam? What excuse would she use for the reason as to why mommy and daddy wouldn’t be together anymore? I couldn’t bear to hear it, or even think about it.
“Please don’t do this to me.” I whispered out loud, rocking back and forth in my chair. If it fell and I fell to the floor I wouldn’t even care. I would welcome the pain.
Unfortunately I didn’t fall.
Instead I just cried, letting the bitter tears fall freely down my cheeks.
My knuckles brushed against the hard door, as I knocked louder. It was 3AM and I had nowhere else to go, no one else I could stand turning to tonight. The more I thought of it the more I realized just how isolated I’d become from anything not involving Brendon. How did I let myself fall in to such stupidity? I was nothing without Brendon now. All I’d become was nothing.
The door opened, the familiar face peeking out with sleep fussed hair. “Holy shit, Kacy?” Spencer’s eyes widened as he took in my appearance. I was a mess.
“Spencer.” I nodded at him, wary eyes raking over his naked upper body.
“Come in.” Spencer stepped away, pushing the door open further. I stepped inside, body shocked by the warmth of the room. It wasn’t until then that I realized just how damn cold I was. “Jesus, you’re shivering.” Spencer wrapped me in to a warm hug, attempting to warm me up.
I heard the door shut behind me but I made no attempt to move as I held on to Spencer’s warmth, forcing tears away. I didn’t want to cry anymore. I didn’t even really feel sad anymore. To be completely honest… I didn’t really feel anything anymore.
The sudden desire hit me like a train and I didn’t know what to make of it. I just wanted to want someone, and to be wanted. I just wanted… not to feel so damn empty. That’s all I wanted, wasn’t that what everyone else wanted?
I backed Spencer against the wall, smashing my lips against his frantically. “K-“ He attempted to speak but I pressed my lips against his even harder, cutting off everything other than noises.
I pulled away from Spencer for just a few seconds, taking the chance to stare in to his eyes. I wanted to know that this was okay but I knew nothing about this would ever be okay. Spencer’s confused glance burned in to me but he didn’t try to speak, leaning forward to press his lips against mine again.
My fumbling fingers found the buttons to his jeans and I quickly unbuttoned them, pulling the zipper down with no resistance stopping me. Quickly, I reached down, running my fingers along his erection which pressed desperately against his boxers. “Oh fuck Kacy-“ Spencer moaned against my lips, and I once again captured his mouth with my own, devouring his moans.
“Please.” Spencer begged, as I teased him with soft touches.
I could barely control myself as my kisses became more and more desperate, the aching need portrayed quite boldly through each touch.
“I fucking want you.” Spencer spit out, pushing my fingers away. It only took seconds for him to pull down his jeans and boxers and then he was stepping out of them, making eye contact with me.
I kept contact, my eyes unwavering. “I’m ready.” I assured him, unbuttoning my own jeans.
Spencer pulled my shirt off, landing light kisses over my neck and down the curve of my breasts, while playing with the latch on my bra, until it finally fell free and he was happily cupping my breasts.
I stepped out of my jeans, running my fingers gently over Spencer’s chest. He sighed heavily and I felt the air leave his lungs, before more returning. It felt so… real. I could feel everything through him, and it felt so good.
Spencer was the one that never hurt me. He’d always been there for me. How did I not see that? Brendon was the risk; he had always been the risk. Spencer was always there, always.
My lips found Spencer’s again, as he ran his fingers along my shoulders and up, to my hair. Slowly his fingers became entangled in my hair and he pulled my head to the side, giving himself access to my neck. The light kisses drove me crazy and all I could do was press myself against him, showing him just how desperate I was. “Please.” This time it was my turn to beg.
Spencer chuckled, “Please?”
“Please Spencer.” I pushed him harder against the wall, kissing him frantically, “I just want-“ I paused, licking my lips. “I just want you.”
Spencer’s eyes lit up but he nodded, taking hold of me and quickly turning me so that my back was against the wall instead. “The pill?” He quietly murmured, and I could see that he didn’t want to ruin the moment.
“Yes, just do it. Please.” I begged, closing my eyes as he sank in to me with one swift movement.
Spencer’s ragged breathing filled my ears as if it was music, and he quickly found a pace that tore moans from both of us, and all I could think of was this moment and that’s what I wanted… That’s what I needed.
With each thrust I was pushed harder against the wall, and my fingers found Spencer’s hair, my fingers softly tugging, just so that I could hear another moan leave his lips.
“Kiss me.” Spencer demanded, staring in to my eyes with a passion equal to my own.
I didn’t even hesitate as I pressed my lips against Spencer’s.
“Kiss harder.” Spencer breathed out, slamming against me once again.
I was only too eager to reply with a rough, completely harsh kiss, which I poured all of my emotions in to. It felt good to let go and I knew Spencer could keep up, as his pace increased. I cried out, the pleasure becoming just too much.
Spencer cried out as well, as my nails slid down his back, digging in to his skin. I finally stopped just as he did, and held him against me.
Spencer pulled away so that he could look at me, a small grin appearing upon his face, which made him look younger than he really was. I liked how he could make all of my bad feelings fall away, that hadn’t changed over the years.
“You’re adorable as hell.” Spencer stated, brushing my hair from my face.
“As are you Mr. Smith.”
The boyish grin completely took over his expression, and it was all I could see, even when I closed my eyes.
“You smell like alcohol.” Spencer stated, as we walked in to his bedroom together, our clothes forgotten on the floor.
“I was drinking earlier.” I didn’t really feel drunk anymore though. Had I really felt drunk? Maybe it was just my lack of control emotionally that made me feel as if I were drunk. In reality I don’t think I’d had enough to actually get drunk. Most of it was on the bathroom floor, where I’d spilled it.
“Oh?” Spencer glanced at me, quizzically.
“You smell good, like a freshly showered Spencer.”
Spencer chuckled, “Well, now I smell like a freshly fucked Spencer.”
“That you do. Am I hearing a complaint?”
“I’m just worried about you.” Spencer murmured, stopping in place. I stopped beside him, leaning against him as his gentle fingers brushed hair away from my face once again. “Where is Adam?”
“He’s with my mother, until I can get my shit together. He doesn’t need to see me like this.” I looked away, ashamed. A mother should never have to leave her child with another person, just so that she can get her life cleaned up. I obviously wasn’t that great of a mother.
“What happened?” Spencer pulled me in to a brief hug, squeezing me tightly, and letting go too soon for my liking. “What’s wrong?”
“I left Brendon.” The words burned through my tongue, tumbling from my lips with too little emotion to mean a single thing to either of us.
Why couldn’t I say it how I meant it? Why did the words hurt so badly, unless spoken with less tragic emotion?
Spencer stared at me for several seconds before leaning down, pressing his lips against mine. “You’re always welcome here.” He finally breathed out, “You and Adam.”
I nodded, much too exhausted to discuss anything past the night. “I’m going to shower. Like you said, I smell like alcohol.”
Spencer nodded in return, “I’ll be in bed.”
Bed. Bed with Spencer. Spencer. What was I doing? I was doing what I wanted… Was I doing this to hurt Brendon? Because I knew nothing would hurt Brendon more than me getting together with Spencer. What was I thinking? This has nothing to do with Brendon.
I needed what only Spencer could give me now.
Because Brendon had taken everything else from me when he violently shattered my heart.
The warm water felt good against my body, though I wasn’t too happy about washing the scent of Spencer from me. It seemed comforting, despite how dirty it really was.
Once I stepped out I was surprised to see Spencer standing in front of the bathroom mirror, quietly brushing his teeth. “I didn’t even hear you in here. I thought you were going to bed.” I grabbed for a towel, wrapping it around my body.
“I was in bed waiting for you.” Spencer said, grinning. “But I missed you.”
How fucking incredibly sweet.
My heart melted, taking away any bitterness the night had given me. How was he able to do that to me, so fucking easily?
“Care if I use your toothbrush?” I asked, trying not to grin like a lovesick teenager.
Spencer held it under the stream of water from the sink before handing it over, “Be my guest. It’s not like my tongue hasn’t thoroughly inspected your mouth before.” Oh, how fucking true… and yet so sexy the way he said it.
I liberally applied toothpaste before vigorously brushing my teeth, stealing glances at Spencer. He still wasn’t wearing anything, and I definitely wasn’t going to complain.
“You know I meant it, right?”
“Meant what?” My words were garbled, coming out along with a mouth full of toothpaste.
“You and Adam will always be welcome here.” Spencer said, glancing at me sympathetically. “Whatever Brendon did… whatever you may have done, I don’t care… you’ll still always have a place with me.”
I sighed heavily, washing the toothbrush off as I nervously stared in to the mirror, assessing my own appearance. “I’m such a bad mother.” I finally admitted, feeling the pain wash over me.
“What?” Spencer looked at me as if I was insane, “How can you say that?”
“I can’t let Adam see me like this. I’m falling apart Spencer. I shouldn’t be falling apart when I have a child to care for but I can’t help it. I can’t stop myself. I can’t stop falling apart long enough to be a good mother, for my son who should come first no matter what… and I just can’t put him first, in front of my fucking mental breakdown.”
Spencer pulled me to his body, resting his head upon mine. “You’re not a terrible mother. A terrible mother wouldn’t make sure her son was away from her when she broke down because a terrible mother wouldn’t care. A terrible mother would let her son watch her fall apart, and she would let him feel her pain. You’re a good, wonderful mother… You care enough to make sure that Adam doesn’t see you like this.”
I pulled away from Spencer just so that I could stare in to his caring eyes, “How can you be so… so fucking caring, and so fucking compassionate?”
Spencer looked away, a sudden uncomfortable wave passing over the situation. “You know the answer to that Kacy.”
“Refresh my memory.”
Spencer smiled; something sad hiding behind his smile. “I love you Kacy.” Spencer finally spoke, straining to keep his tone even. “But you already knew that, and always have.”
I looked away as well, unsure as to what I was supposed to say to that admission. “I thought you’d gotten over me.”
“You don’t just get over love Kacy.”
I should know that. How could I be so stupid? I loved Brendon. I couldn’t just get over him, and that’s why leaving him hurt so fucking badly. So, how could I expect Spencer to have just gotten over me?
“Don’t be.” Spencer ran his hands through his hair, and shot me a small forced smile.
“I-“ I stopped, knowing that nothing I could say could possibly make up for all the pain I’d probably caused Spencer.
Spencer just shook his head. “It’s okay, really it is. We’ve got one hell of a situation ahead of us.” His smile remained; a smile that only Spencer Smith could make adorable and yet moving at the same time. “So, why not sleep while we can?”
“Sleep has never sounded better.”
“I agree.” Spencer mumbled, pulling me to his bed, a wicked grin lighting his face up once again.
Oh, that was code for not sleeping, wasn’t it? I would have to catch up on reading in between the lines evidently.