Categories > Original > Humor > A Note, life laid bare
A Note, life laid bare
a note, why i havent been on. i need to vent. strong language, sexual references, perhaps disturbing content.
?Blocked
note
Anyone who's asked me for more story-writing deserves an explanation. this shits far too in-depth but FUCK, I NEED TO VENT.
It started with an imageboard. I was 12, discovering new corners of the internet.
"hell yeah, lets take it, this site cant be that bad."
About 2 weeks later and many hours, thousands of F5's I had grown de-sensitised to all sorts of gore, porn, snuff etc, though i wouldnt say it bothered me before. my anti-racist views slipped, my eyes were opened to a free-talking world. this community laughed at everything, mental disability, poverty; it was fucking naughty stuff. it didnt change me, as it really accelerated my awakening of my true outlook on things. i soon became fascinated with the dark corners of the internet.
some background, i was struggling with my indentity, starting to have manic depression sink in and had started to dabble in stress-relief/fascination self harm. i hated 'the norm' as much as i hated the 'alternative' community.
a 'friend' (you know, the one you have to 'like' as they tag along with your 2 true friends) decided to mess around with each other at sleepovers and, as all our activities did, eventually led to becoming a show of power and a way of asserting dominance. for some reason, i let go, she had control. i was being molested and made to do things back. maybe thats why i have such viscious desires and power issues now.
ultimately, i was left with 2 mentalities, 1 that loved being dominated as it was a way of finding pleasure and would tty to encourage being dominated and the other that had a sadistic lust for revenge due to my loss of the fierce exterior i portrayed.
Age 13. I was obsessed with masturbation, or fapping, i easily managed 12 orgasms a day, it got in the way of school. i was aware of my bisexuality and tried coming out to my 3 friends. my molester was disgusted. i was obsessed with rape fantasy and loli pornography. i found a chat forum and there began my obsession with adveetising myself to sexual predators. i almost organised myself to go and live with a 28 year old man in a cage as his house cat. I loved BDSM by that point. I wanted to slaughter in order to drink blood. I was suicidal, maniac, always hyper beyond understanding only to hit deep lows. I first started talking to a character called Mikey, i saw him projected against my surroundings, felt and heard him. i grew intensely attached to him and lashed out in his defence.
A few months later, I was 14.
I WAS Mikey, a 17year old boy, cat ears and tail, i had a controlling brother who sexually abused me (to which i put up no argument, recall my love of being dominated) but i loved him. i had a strong connection to him. so strong, he nearly choked me to death.
my molester decided to lash out one day, decided she had to come out about this before me. as expected, the one who came out first was deemed the victim. in the following 4-5 weeks i lost my both childhood and only friends. once, i cut 'FU' into my hand before her eyes during school and i had made sure to spatter her work with blood. needless to say, the school sent me to a psychologist: to whom i lied Ito as i didnt want to talk to. In august of that year i ran away.... or the other way around, i cant remember if i ran away or cut myself before her first.
anyway, that resulted in me being sent to a psychiatrist. i lied to them too.
Around July, being 14, i arranged a 'rape' with an older man off of the aforementioned chat-forum as i planned to kill him and myself after. something stopped me. it might of been my only friend i had at ths time, i was just getting to know her.
to this day, i still regard her, both in radiance and mind as the most beautiful woman ive ever met. shes amazing. i dont know if youre reading this but hey, you inadvertantly saved me many times. i love you, sillycakes. i wouldnt care if i meant nothing to you, id still fight for your happiness.
age 15. i grow ever more enthused with BDSM, gore and drug abuse. still spending every day teetering between a girl and my 'Mikey' self. deep depression. i become a regular on (Lets call it- LCI) GammaGamer, a game streaming site and apparently fall in love with Grootan, a Swedish streamer who it was only acceptable for me to fawn over as i posed as a boy.
Between Gamma and my lurking of Livestream, i post,nin total, around 8 tease pictures on that imageboard. not too much became of it, but the adoration and scope for fame excited me. i wanted it. I add my first sexpredator on MSN to tease for fun. it didnt go far as i had no webcam. i delete him.
I start to lurk (LCI) FlannerysTrainer on Livestream, more games. all gamestreams i went on are filled with those from the imageboard, and it is expected that girl just flash their tits, youre pressured to, by 'tradition'. after a few days lurking, i send my first fully top naked picture to the admin. i got a thank you, nothing more.
Around October ... or earlier, i find my true gamestream home, (LCI) Shizz. I lurk as a girl and joined the group in its very earlydays, im accepted and cared for as a regular. I fall in a love obsession with Nick, the streamer. I started the whole talking ebout loving him thing. he did really like me too, we had odd ways of expressing it. he becomes very important to me, i attempt to make a skype account to keep up but cannot use it.
he slowly becomes depressed. it killed me. i know that for some reason, i fell for 'powerful' or other 'internet' people, but Nick was more. trust me, i was commited to my current relationship, i knew it wasnt like that. it was profound, sexually deviant brotherhood that i loved which these figures gave me. they fawned over me ss i did them.
Nick leaves us. many others go, a small number of us stay, heartbroken. i add one member, Joe (Dormy, to me) as i was particularly close to him. i enjoy staying up and talking to him. we sext twice, i enjoyed getting that wrong attention that he felt from talking like that to a 15 year old. i craved that attention.
November 2011. I spend yet more time on the imageboard, arrange a meetup with a confessed paedo to yet again, fuck and double death. i cant do it. i love her.
January 2012, Nick comes online for one last time. Hes so broken, I CAN HEAR THAT HE HAS LOST HIMSELF. IT TORE ME APART. we tell each other. it hurts.
I create a Skype aagain and decide to see if i can find paedos to select my final days with.
January Skype adding threads off that imageboard,
I add 20, 5, 10, then 12 all at once.
im tempted by 4 in my local area. i send pictures to more, fap on cam with about 9.
I get close to one called David. aged 26, physically hes wonderful.
i meet him in Feb, intending to give him a blowjob on our cinema date. i see hes too shy.
i mert him later and spend a day in the city with him. i want him to be the one who kidknaps me and tortures me. i love him. i end up sending him around 30 pictures.
another paedo, JC, meets me through a thread of me posting grossly exaggerated stories about myself. loys of skype fapping, pictures. hes hardstyle, surfs with TOR and takes sneaky pictures on the street. he wants to send Child porn to me, knowing i'll appreciate. i decline. i tell him my real thougghts and feelings. he becomes obsessed amd worships me. i like that.
i do camshows on tinychat. im fucking adored, i can almost see my fucked up fun life ahead of me. sevral people currently stalk me online as a result of the shows. I add Nick on skype but cant follow his new streams. i love him, but im too scared to start a conversation.
i stop it all. i dont need that false love. i have a proper, loving relationship now. i turned down my virginity-breaking threesome with David and the 12year old for this, thank you, thanks for telling me how it is.
im truly happy now, but if im ever going to kill myself, im finding David again. andbim slitting the throats of all i pass.
my violence still lingers, but im happy, really.
I'm still confused as to why I fall so easily for Internet figures, it might be the guaranteed humour match, the sense of community, the inside jokes, I don't know.
im trying to find time to write again.
Anyone who's asked me for more story-writing deserves an explanation. this shits far too in-depth but FUCK, I NEED TO VENT.
It started with an imageboard. I was 12, discovering new corners of the internet.
"hell yeah, lets take it, this site cant be that bad."
About 2 weeks later and many hours, thousands of F5's I had grown de-sensitised to all sorts of gore, porn, snuff etc, though i wouldnt say it bothered me before. my anti-racist views slipped, my eyes were opened to a free-talking world. this community laughed at everything, mental disability, poverty; it was fucking naughty stuff. it didnt change me, as it really accelerated my awakening of my true outlook on things. i soon became fascinated with the dark corners of the internet.
some background, i was struggling with my indentity, starting to have manic depression sink in and had started to dabble in stress-relief/fascination self harm. i hated 'the norm' as much as i hated the 'alternative' community.
a 'friend' (you know, the one you have to 'like' as they tag along with your 2 true friends) decided to mess around with each other at sleepovers and, as all our activities did, eventually led to becoming a show of power and a way of asserting dominance. for some reason, i let go, she had control. i was being molested and made to do things back. maybe thats why i have such viscious desires and power issues now.
ultimately, i was left with 2 mentalities, 1 that loved being dominated as it was a way of finding pleasure and would tty to encourage being dominated and the other that had a sadistic lust for revenge due to my loss of the fierce exterior i portrayed.
Age 13. I was obsessed with masturbation, or fapping, i easily managed 12 orgasms a day, it got in the way of school. i was aware of my bisexuality and tried coming out to my 3 friends. my molester was disgusted. i was obsessed with rape fantasy and loli pornography. i found a chat forum and there began my obsession with adveetising myself to sexual predators. i almost organised myself to go and live with a 28 year old man in a cage as his house cat. I loved BDSM by that point. I wanted to slaughter in order to drink blood. I was suicidal, maniac, always hyper beyond understanding only to hit deep lows. I first started talking to a character called Mikey, i saw him projected against my surroundings, felt and heard him. i grew intensely attached to him and lashed out in his defence.
A few months later, I was 14.
I WAS Mikey, a 17year old boy, cat ears and tail, i had a controlling brother who sexually abused me (to which i put up no argument, recall my love of being dominated) but i loved him. i had a strong connection to him. so strong, he nearly choked me to death.
my molester decided to lash out one day, decided she had to come out about this before me. as expected, the one who came out first was deemed the victim. in the following 4-5 weeks i lost my both childhood and only friends. once, i cut 'FU' into my hand before her eyes during school and i had made sure to spatter her work with blood. needless to say, the school sent me to a psychologist: to whom i lied Ito as i didnt want to talk to. In august of that year i ran away.... or the other way around, i cant remember if i ran away or cut myself before her first.
anyway, that resulted in me being sent to a psychiatrist. i lied to them too.
Around July, being 14, i arranged a 'rape' with an older man off of the aforementioned chat-forum as i planned to kill him and myself after. something stopped me. it might of been my only friend i had at ths time, i was just getting to know her.
to this day, i still regard her, both in radiance and mind as the most beautiful woman ive ever met. shes amazing. i dont know if youre reading this but hey, you inadvertantly saved me many times. i love you, sillycakes. i wouldnt care if i meant nothing to you, id still fight for your happiness.
age 15. i grow ever more enthused with BDSM, gore and drug abuse. still spending every day teetering between a girl and my 'Mikey' self. deep depression. i become a regular on (Lets call it- LCI) GammaGamer, a game streaming site and apparently fall in love with Grootan, a Swedish streamer who it was only acceptable for me to fawn over as i posed as a boy.
Between Gamma and my lurking of Livestream, i post,nin total, around 8 tease pictures on that imageboard. not too much became of it, but the adoration and scope for fame excited me. i wanted it. I add my first sexpredator on MSN to tease for fun. it didnt go far as i had no webcam. i delete him.
I start to lurk (LCI) FlannerysTrainer on Livestream, more games. all gamestreams i went on are filled with those from the imageboard, and it is expected that girl just flash their tits, youre pressured to, by 'tradition'. after a few days lurking, i send my first fully top naked picture to the admin. i got a thank you, nothing more.
Around October ... or earlier, i find my true gamestream home, (LCI) Shizz. I lurk as a girl and joined the group in its very earlydays, im accepted and cared for as a regular. I fall in a love obsession with Nick, the streamer. I started the whole talking ebout loving him thing. he did really like me too, we had odd ways of expressing it. he becomes very important to me, i attempt to make a skype account to keep up but cannot use it.
he slowly becomes depressed. it killed me. i know that for some reason, i fell for 'powerful' or other 'internet' people, but Nick was more. trust me, i was commited to my current relationship, i knew it wasnt like that. it was profound, sexually deviant brotherhood that i loved which these figures gave me. they fawned over me ss i did them.
Nick leaves us. many others go, a small number of us stay, heartbroken. i add one member, Joe (Dormy, to me) as i was particularly close to him. i enjoy staying up and talking to him. we sext twice, i enjoyed getting that wrong attention that he felt from talking like that to a 15 year old. i craved that attention.
November 2011. I spend yet more time on the imageboard, arrange a meetup with a confessed paedo to yet again, fuck and double death. i cant do it. i love her.
January 2012, Nick comes online for one last time. Hes so broken, I CAN HEAR THAT HE HAS LOST HIMSELF. IT TORE ME APART. we tell each other. it hurts.
I create a Skype aagain and decide to see if i can find paedos to select my final days with.
January Skype adding threads off that imageboard,
I add 20, 5, 10, then 12 all at once.
im tempted by 4 in my local area. i send pictures to more, fap on cam with about 9.
I get close to one called David. aged 26, physically hes wonderful.
i meet him in Feb, intending to give him a blowjob on our cinema date. i see hes too shy.
i mert him later and spend a day in the city with him. i want him to be the one who kidknaps me and tortures me. i love him. i end up sending him around 30 pictures.
another paedo, JC, meets me through a thread of me posting grossly exaggerated stories about myself. loys of skype fapping, pictures. hes hardstyle, surfs with TOR and takes sneaky pictures on the street. he wants to send Child porn to me, knowing i'll appreciate. i decline. i tell him my real thougghts and feelings. he becomes obsessed amd worships me. i like that.
i do camshows on tinychat. im fucking adored, i can almost see my fucked up fun life ahead of me. sevral people currently stalk me online as a result of the shows. I add Nick on skype but cant follow his new streams. i love him, but im too scared to start a conversation.
i stop it all. i dont need that false love. i have a proper, loving relationship now. i turned down my virginity-breaking threesome with David and the 12year old for this, thank you, thanks for telling me how it is.
im truly happy now, but if im ever going to kill myself, im finding David again. andbim slitting the throats of all i pass.
my violence still lingers, but im happy, really.
I'm still confused as to why I fall so easily for Internet figures, it might be the guaranteed humour match, the sense of community, the inside jokes, I don't know.
im trying to find time to write again.
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